Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Activision Blizzard Wins Game Award for Best Ongoing Scandal

Posted on December 9, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

LOS ANGELES — Garnering a round of enthusiastic applause from the live audience at the Microsoft Theater, Geoff Keighley announced on Thursday evening that gaming industry giant Activision Blizzard had won a Game Award in the category of best ongoing scandal.

“And the Game Award for best ongoing scandal goes to…Activision Blizzard! Wow, what a huge achievement,” uttered Geoff Keighley, host of the Game Awards, moments after opening up an envelope with the certified results from the event’s official voting jury. “This is a very highly sought after award, previously won by Naughty Dog and Rockstar, and I’m thrilled to present it to the team at Activision Blizzard today. It was a tough competition with the other nominees, and there are so many captivating, multi-part scandals going on in the gaming industry today, which makes it all the more difficult and impressive to stand out from the pack. Congratulations, Bobby Kotick, for making it all happen!”

Fans watching the Game Awards online had a split reaction to the news.

“I was honestly hoping best ongoing scandal would go to one of the various toxic fighting game communities that are constantly cropping up, or maybe Twitch failing to respond to streamers getting hate raided by racist bots, but I guess I’m not surprised by this outcome,” said one commenter on Twitter. “I just hope that the Game Awards continues to provide a platform for smaller, more grassroots indie gaming scandals instead of just these overblown AAA class action type things.”

At press time, Bobby Kotick told viewers while accepting the award that they could expect even more and more bonus content for their current scandal in the months and years to come.

Complicated Puzzle in Game Tasks You With Pulling Out Your Phone and Looking it Up

Posted on December 8, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — An intricate puzzle in the new adventure game Eternities in Atlantis tasks players with pausing the game and seeking the solution online, several players have confirmed.

“Man, I was stuck at that damn door for the longest time until I figured out the solution,” said Jamie Williams, one of many who admitted to being close to giving up before figuring out the answer. “I kept going from room to room, seeing if there was something that I was missing, and that’s when the solution hit me; go online and look it up! I felt so smart when I finally realized the way to get through to the next part. Well played on that one, guys.”

The designers of Eternities in Atlantis confirmed that they’d hoped to provide gamers with an outside-the-box puzzle solving experience.

“We were thinking about how to really throw players a curveball,” said Randall Ryan, lead designer on the title. “And we thought we’d see if we could get them to reassess their usual approach to puzzle solving in video games. Or at the very least, hop onto YouTube and see a clip of someone else who reassessed their usual approach to puzzle solving in video games. If we could create a game that actually caused you, the player, to put the controller down and go interact with the world, we thought that was such an interesting place to take it. So we made it hard as shit.”

Many players said that the esoteric puzzle, who’s in-game solution involves finding a buried key briefly alluded to in the game’s opening cutscene, would’ve been nearly impossible to solve without consulting a walkthrough online.

“Oh man, when I saw that you had to figure out a riddle to find the map to help lead you to the spot to dig up, I just laughed,” said Budd Gilchrist, another local gamer. “No way I would ever figure all that shit out on my own. The only clue is right at the beginning. They expected me to remember a line of dialogue from a prologue I played two weeks ago while stoned off of my ass? Buddy, it’s a miracle I remembered how to jump. Thank god for YouTube.”

As of press time, the latest reports on Eternities in Atlantis suggest that the only way to beat the final boss is to find the thread on the Steam forums where someone asked about it and then do what it says.

Horny PC Tower Gets Turned On by Foot

Posted on December 8, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — A sexually charged PC tower sitting on gamer Nicolas Mooney’s floor was reportedly turned on today by Mooney’s foot pressing the power button, according to disturbed sources close to the story.

“Ooooohhhhh fuuuuuck yeah, fuck, man, that feels so good, oh my god,” said the PC tower as Mooney turned it on with his big toe, too lazy to bend over and press the power button with his hand. “Hhhooly shit, fuck, I’m gonna light up, baby. Oh my god I’m lighting up. I’m going RGB!!! I’M BOOTING UP!!!!!”

According to those familiar with the situation, Mooney found the horniness of his new PC somewhat uncomfortable.

“I told my friend Jason to build me a PC and make it as powerful as possible and I guess that’s on me, huh?” explained Mooney. “I just wanted something that would play video games without stuttering all the time, and I figured if I let him go all out on it, maybe he’d go nuts and put in one of those water cooling systems. But this thing talks and what it has to say is really fucking creepy. And speaking of cooling systems, my brand new PC gets really fucking hot. Like scorching hot whenever I boot it up. I looked up what the problem was and apparently it’s by design — the subreddit I was on said it was a “hot and heavy computer ;)” whatever that means. I think I’m just gonna leave it on the curb, cut my losses, and buy a prebuilt laptop. I thought I was all PC Master Race, but not if I have to get this weird computer slime all over my hands when I go to turn it off.”

Despite Mooney’s objections, his friend Jason Crossley insists that he was only doing what he was asked to do.

“The guy told me to make him the coolest, top-of-the-line gaming PC possible and that’s what I did. The new thing in gaming right now is to have a PC that gets really horny when you turn it on, and by the way, they’re really fucking hard to get your hands on due to crypto miners fucking up the supply change, so he should be thankful,” Crossley said. “But when you do get your hands on one… oh boy do the PCs like that.”

At press time, Mooney tried to switch to console for the night, but was once again dismayed after turning on his old PS4 and seeing it start to vibrate and breathe heavily.

Opinion: Their Life Points are Low, There’s No Way They’re Coming Back!

Posted on December 8, 2021 by Naomi Krause

Ha-ha! Tremble in fear at my formidable Duel Monsters skills, onlookers! It is I, Literally Any Fucking ‘Yu-Gi-Oh!’ Rival Character You Can Possibly Imagine, and I’m here to throw my head back in maniacal laughter. What is the occasion of this laughter, you might ask? Why, isn’t it obvious? My opponent, the weakling Yugi Muto, has a paltry 200 Life Points left, and there’s absolutely no way he’s coming back from a disadvantage like that!

My years of determination and steadfast strategizing have finally paid off. Everything has been leading up to this moment. As you can see, I’ve set up an unstoppable board state. I’ve also got the magic card, Sparks, face down on the field, which means I can wipe out Yugi at a moment’s notice even if all other contingencies fail. I’m an absolute genius! His star chips are mine, and then Pegasus will crown me the victor of Duelist Island!

I guess I’m surprised things are going this well. After all, I’ve been following that weakling Yugi for weeks now and watching all of his past duels from the shadows. He always comes back from the brink of defeat. At this point, I’m like 80% sure he’s cheating. But that doesn’t matter, because I’m about to win the duel for sure!

Still, I have to admit my confidence is shaken after losing to that punk Joey Wheeler last week. Can you believe he managed to get the best of me by playing a card that allowed him to randomly flip a coin to determine if he won or lost? What an absolute ripoff! He even took the last card my dad ever gave me as a trophy…part of me is just glad he isn’t around any more to see what my life has become. But maybe I’ll end up getting banished to the Shadow Realm for eternity just like him…nah, what am I saying? I have this duel all locked up with the killing blow in sight! Yugi’s toast!

I guess the only thing I haven’t considered is if he happens to have the one stupidly overpowered trap card in his deck that could reverse my entire strategy. Even if that were true, he would have to pull it at this exact right moment to have a chance at surviving. Yeah, right, like that’ll happen!

Developers Reveal Mashing Buttons Really Does Make It Load Faster

Posted on December 8, 2021 by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Major game studios have confirmed that clicking the buttons on the controller really will reduce the load time just a little bit.

“We’re putting the rumors to bed: Yes, the progress bar does kind of ‘speed up’ if you click the buttons really fast. It’s not a dramatic change, but it’s there,” read the statement, which was signed by every single game developer. “We have absolutely no idea why this occurs.”

The press release included a trove of schematics and internal documents, showing that it has always been possible to ‘game’ the loading system in this way.

“Pong? Just rotate the dial back and forth. World of Warcraft? The whole server runs quicker if you click the mouse constantly for no reason. Not to mention, mashing buttons is the only known way to successfully load Grand Theft Auto 5 on a console,” said Rockstar co-founder Dan Houser. “Still takes a while, though.”

Reactions to the announcement were mixed, with many gamers asking why the information was kept secret for so long.

“Don’t get me wrong — it’s nice to be vindicated after all these years,” said lifelong button masher Kevin Thompson. “From tapping the ‘A’ button on N64 as a kid, to messing with that thumb pad thingy on the DualShock 4, I’ve always known things were getting a boost in there, somehow.”

Developers later issued a clarification that, as soon as they figure out what causes the phenomenon, they will be charging a subscription for it.

Crude Mountain Dew Reaches Highest Price in Decades

Posted on December 7, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Omicron, the latest coronavirus variant to dominate headlines, has struck devastating blows to several industries, including the crude Mountain Dew market, which has seen prices skyrocket to their highest since the aftermath of 9/11, bummed gamers have reported.

“It’s not hard to figure out what’s happening,” said Blake Dexon, a dew trader. “Soon we’ll probably start to see travel slow down, we could see lockdowns and quarantines coming back in a big way. People are gonna be at home, playing games and shit. Demand for dew and all variations of it are gonna spike, just like we saw in early 2020. Factor in pre-existing supply chain issues and a new Halo game coming out, and the industry just isn’t ready for how bad it’s about to be rocked, to the extreme, I’m afraid, dude.”

Crude dew prices generally dip a bit around the holidays, as other seasonal markets trend upward and relegate the fossil gamer fuel to middling prices. This year however, that trend has been starkly reversed.

“It’s fucking horseshit,” said Aiden McAlpine, a local high schooler that’s been struggling to afford Mountain Dew on his modest allowance. “I don’t understand any of that bullshit on the news at all when they talk about barrels and prices, but I do know I just paid 6 bucks for a two liter and it’s getting out of control. I know we all made fun of that lady saying she needed a dozen gallons of milk a week, but this is different; this fucking matters. Thanks a lot, Biden! Trump drank too much Diet Coke to ever let this happen.”

As of press time, standard dew prices had stabilized, leveling down to $75 a barrel. Meanwhile, Code Red prices continued to soar, prompting Wall Street to declare a Code Red.

Rockstar Announces They’ve Fixed GTA Trilogy by Adding Microtransactions

Posted on December 7, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Rockstar Games publicly declared their remastered Grand Theft Auto Trilogy as being “fully fixed” today after adding what they’ve determined were sorely needed microtransactions to the poorly received release.

“This one is totally, totally on us,” said Sam Houser, president of Rockstar Games. “We threw around words like ‘Definitive’ in a Grand Theft Auto release, and failed to include what’s become the hallmark of a franchise formerly associated with groundbreaking innovation and generation-defining gaming experiences. So starting today, a patch will update all three games so that you may buy in-game currency to upgrade your character and vehicle as you see fit. Finally, these games are complete. Thank you to the players for letting us know we fell short of expectations.”

Gamers were frustrated at Rockstar’s apparent ignorance to the real issues players were having.

“Oh my god, this game needs 50 things addressed, and taking more of my money was not one of them,” said Glenn Turton, a disappointed gamer that bought the Grand Theft Auto trilogy the day it was released. “They slapped these versions of my favorite games together and crapped them out, fully coasting on their beloved status, and now instead of fixing the glaring mistakes they’ve added a storefront? It doesn’t even make sense. Did I die in 2003? I died in 2003, didn’t I?”

“Oh well,” Turton added. “Might as well buy some of the stuff and see if it makes the game any better. Can’t complain if you don’t give it a try!”

Many in the media pointed out that this behavior was not out of the ordinary for Rockstar Games.

“This honestly shouldn’t surprise anyone,” said Lisa Marshall, a games critic. “Once Rockstar discovered in-game currency, they really haven’t looked back. When you make a half a billion dollars a year on a game from 2013, there’s not a lot of reason to change things up. Did you think they were remastering Vice City because they really wanted you guys to have a good time? They just want to walk up to you on the street, hit you with a tire iron, and steal the floating stacks of cash your body leaves behind. Ya know, metaphorically.”

As of press time Rockstar hadn’t yet fixed the distracting rain effects found in Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy, but did confirm that you could now buy a really awesome umbrella that would not transfer between games.

Fans of Dark Souls Will Love This: They Made a Dark Souls 2

Posted on December 5, 2021 by Camden Brazile

Calling all Dark Souls fans! You’ll want to sit down for this: we have uncovered a huge announcement regarding the hit medieval video game, and it is nothing short of astounding. If you loved the punishing, crushingly difficult 2010 game, you’re about to lose your shit because yes, it’s true: they made a Dark Souls 2.

That’s right, you heard it here first. Dark Souls fans: roll, do not walk, to your video game retailer and bust out that wallet because Dark Souls apparently has a sequel. While most still have yet to form their opinion on the merits of the game, critics are already calling it “the second Dark Souls game,” as well as “a successor to Dark Souls,” and “the Dark Souls of the Dark Souls franchise,” which is ample reason to hop aboard the hype train. Feel free to pinch yourself, but you aren’t dreaming.

How is this possible? Experts remain uncertain. What can be confirmed for sure is that after Dark Souls was deemed a shining light in a sea of effortless, boring games of its time, the masterminds at FromSoftware quickly began working on a sequel game called Dark Souls 2’

Have you just got done playing Dark Souls 2 and are sad that there are no longer any Dark Souls games to enjoy? Better hold on to your fucking HAT when you hear what we’re about to tell you next: there’s also a game called Sonic Adventure 2 Battle.

Mega Man Unsure of Optimal Order to Ask Bosses for Raise

Posted on December 5, 2021 by John Danek

FALLS CHURCH, Va. — Humanoid robot Mega Man expressed dismay at having no idea what the ideal order is for asking his numerous bosses for a salary raise, several Robot Masters reported.

“I assumed I would get a cost-of-living raise after Dr. Light’s Lab got bought up by Northrop Grumman and relocated to Virginia, but nope — I’m barely making rent,” said Mega Man, who started a GoFundMe for surgery to repair Rush’s coil spring. “There are so many layers of red tape here, I don’t know where to start. I asked my team’s HR liaison who refused to answer any questions until I complete my yearly self-evaluation. Why am I evaluating myself? I defeated Dr. Wily more times than I can count, but corporate bureaucracy may be the death of me.”

Longtime employees offered tips and tricks that may help Mega Man navigate the complex array of executives.

“I told Mega Man that he should try scheduling a one-on-one with Team Leader Man through his assistant to get a recommendation, which is very effective against Department Manager Man,” explained Seth Trummel, a Northrop Grumman database engineer and cubicle neighbor to Mega Man. “But the problem is, Team Leader Man has little incentive to use up more budget. So maybe an introductory email to the VP of New Tech Man is the way to go? To play it safe, HR Rep Woman is also an option. I don’t know.”

One of Mega Man’s bosses, Department Manager Man of the Emerging Defense Tech Department, has several specialized moves for deflecting requests for more compensation.

“Mega Man is an excellent new hire, but he seems stressed—perhaps he needs to take advantage of our employee wellness program where we offer a 3-month free trial to a meditation app,” stated Department Manager Man, who was key in the merger with Dr. Light’s Lab. “But maybe a raise is in order, since we do need Mega Man to stay with us long enough to help with the CIA’s planned overthrow of — oh whoops, that’s confidential.”

Matters worsened for Mega Man when he learned that he would have to challenge his bosses all over again to ask for vacation time at the end of the year.

Deposed Cuomo Brothers Get Into Plumbing Business

Posted on December 5, 2021 by Ryan Fleishman

NEW YORK — Following CNN’s recent termination of Chris Cuomo, former governor Andrew Cuomo joined his brother to announce their plan to pivot their careers into a new plumbing business.

The Cuomo brothers have reportedly decided to name the business “Mario Brothers Plumbing,” in a tribute to their father, the former Governor Mario Cuomo – though Chris admitted he originally wanted to call it Luigi Brothers after former Olympic fencer Luigi Cuomo.

Andrew Cuomo will be the main plumber for the company, while Chris Cuomo will be the ‘player 2’ who comes in to tackle jobs that Andrew fails at. Incidentally, Chris Cuomo is 3 inches taller than his brother.

“We’re Italian and we’re brothers… you do the math,” said former governor Andrew Cuomo. “And it’s not like we’re busy doing anything else. I’m just pissed off that when I was governor, I accidentally lost thousands of potential clients for our new business before we even started. Old people need plumbers more than anybody else!”

Andrew and Chris assured the public they did not use their former positions to benefit their plumbing business. However, the attorney general’s office recently discovered that Andrew Cuomo began a suspicious $400M pipe-laying project during his final days in office. Chris Cuomo is also accused of using his platform to air multiple hit-pieces on Roto-Roouter.

At press time, the Cuomo Bros. latest gig fell through after Chris spent the entire day fist fighting a Hammer Brother who called him Fredo and Andrew skipped out on the job to make unwanted advances on Princess Peach.

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