FALLS CHURCH, Va. — Humanoid robot Mega Man expressed dismay at having no idea what the ideal order is for asking his numerous bosses for a salary raise, several Robot Masters reported.
“I assumed I would get a cost-of-living raise after Dr. Light’s Lab got bought up by Northrop Grumman and relocated to Virginia, but nope — I’m barely making rent,” said Mega Man, who started a GoFundMe for surgery to repair Rush’s coil spring. “There are so many layers of red tape here, I don’t know where to start. I asked my team’s HR liaison who refused to answer any questions until I complete my yearly self-evaluation. Why am I evaluating myself? I defeated Dr. Wily more times than I can count, but corporate bureaucracy may be the death of me.”
Longtime employees offered tips and tricks that may help Mega Man navigate the complex array of executives.
“I told Mega Man that he should try scheduling a one-on-one with Team Leader Man through his assistant to get a recommendation, which is very effective against Department Manager Man,” explained Seth Trummel, a Northrop Grumman database engineer and cubicle neighbor to Mega Man. “But the problem is, Team Leader Man has little incentive to use up more budget. So maybe an introductory email to the VP of New Tech Man is the way to go? To play it safe, HR Rep Woman is also an option. I don’t know.”
One of Mega Man’s bosses, Department Manager Man of the Emerging Defense Tech Department, has several specialized moves for deflecting requests for more compensation.
“Mega Man is an excellent new hire, but he seems stressed—perhaps he needs to take advantage of our employee wellness program where we offer a 3-month free trial to a meditation app,” stated Department Manager Man, who was key in the merger with Dr. Light’s Lab. “But maybe a raise is in order, since we do need Mega Man to stay with us long enough to help with the CIA’s planned overthrow of — oh whoops, that’s confidential.”
Matters worsened for Mega Man when he learned that he would have to challenge his bosses all over again to ask for vacation time at the end of the year.