SARASOTA, Fla. — Local aunt Debra Langham credits her new mechanical keyboard for a 0.18-second reduction in how long it takes her to reply “Beautiful family!!” on Facebook.
“That might not seem like a lot, but when you’re using Facebook at an elite level, every frame counts,” said Langham, aunt of five. “You have to remember — I’m speedrunning the site to 100% completion, every single day. If someone I know posts a photo of themselves, and any of their family members are in that photo, I’m going to reply with ‘Beautiful family!!’ or ‘Wonderful family, Love Aunt Debby’ or something like that. And I’m going to do it weirdly fast. Because that’s just how I roll. I’m the top dog. Nobody does it like me.”
Langham, also known as Proud1stAunt, began searching for new gear after a recent dip in performance that left her vulnerable to rival aunts.
“I didn’t realize how far I’d slipped until I got washed by this casual on Halloween. My nephew’s friend’s sister posted a photo with her kids in their costumes. Easy pickings. But before I could get my reply off, some rando posted ‘love it’ and logged off,” said Langham, climbing into her battlestation complete with a 270-degree screen and surround sound. “She was probably cheating somehow, but still, it was a wake up call. I had gotten complacent. Never again.”
Friends and family confirmed Langham’s performance had improved.
“She’s more overbearing than ever,” said Breanna Wilson, Langham’s eldest niece. “The other day I posted a photo of my outfit, and you could see my kid’s hand at the very edge of the frame. I hadn’t even put my phone back in my pocket before Aunt Debby replied ‘Is that my grand nephew I see??’ and shared the photo to her #proud1stgang fan page. It’s just so exhausting.”
At press time, Langham was thinking about returning the new keyboard for a different model after reading a single negative review on Reddit.