The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is a masterpiece of time-suckery. It’s so easy to get lost in the game’s delicious nooks and crannies that you might forget to bathe, go to work, or feed your skinks and cobras. Breath of the Wild was similarly expansive, but TOTK is superior in terms of its enemy variety and diversity.
Here is the definitive and in no way arbitrary ranking of all basic enemy types in TOTK based on how much fun I have murdering them for nothing but their parts.
(For reference, this will exclude overworld bosses and story bosses, focusing solely on basic enemy types you’ll encounter during your wild and unhinged ramblings.)
#20 — Octoroks
I may be biased, but these little fuckers can rot in the sulfurous turd mines from whence they came. Have you ever tried to climb a surface, solve a Korok puzzle, or walk five feet in any direction without being thwacked in the face by a kidney stone spat from one of these little bastard’s lipless maws? Though they do drop the helpful Octo Balloon items, which are great for shield-fusing to give you some extra lift now that Revali’s Gale is MIA, in terms of gameplay they are annoying as fuck. The rock-type octos on Goron Mountain can suck in your weapons and repair them, which is neat, but that does require spending any small amount of time in their presence, and is therefore too disgusting to recommend. I feel no guilt killing these pieces of shit.
#19 — Little Froxes
The abandoned children of the big bad Froxes, these cute little fuckers wobble up to you on excited puppy legs. When you try to hit them, they scoot backward for what seems like 40 miles, resulting in the slowest and least exciting chase sequence of all time. Then they launch their dumb faces at you like idiot Scud missiles. Their cuteness is counterbalanced by their annoyingness, and combat with them is the gameplay equivalent of Fruit Stripe gum: seemingly sweet but immediately flavorless.
#18 — Keese
A holdover from BOTW these bat-shaped enemies are pretty ho-hum standard, aside from the added bonuses their corpses give this time around. Attaching a detached keese eyeball to an arrow will turn it into a homing missile, which is especially helpful for taking down the dreaded Gleeok dragons. Spamming keese arrows from a Lynel bow means multiple heat-seekers per arrow shot, making a previously harrowing boss battle into a quick and painless thirty-second colonoscopy. My advice: any time you see a swarm of keese, pop it with a bomb arrow and collect the eyeballs like a ravenous Japanese ghost.
#17 — Gibdos
Color me disappointed by these slow-moving creepy-ass corpse-like whatever-the-hell-they-ares. When I first encountered some in the depths it felt like a major revelation, a whole new page in my TOTK adventure. That feeling quickly jettisoned itself into space like my optimism during Rise of Skywalker. Gibdos are supposed to be tricky to kill, but all you have to do is hit them with fire or electricity, elements you’ll quickly accrue via fused materials. The moth versions are a cool concept and would likely freak out Richard Gere if he encountered them in a boring 2000s horror movie, but combat with Gibdos is so tedious that it undermines their coolness considerably, making them feel like the Wish.com version of Mass Effect’s husks.
#16 — Moblins
Call me a traditionalist who just wants Hyrule to return to the way it was in the 1950s before Rito were allowed to vote or own property, but I prefer the old school Moblin character designs. Though there’s something interesting going on here, the gaunt, elongated, Waluigi-esque Moblins always reminded of those Mario Party mini-games where you’re stretching Bowser’s face until he looks like an average Beverly Hills housewife. I do enjoy when they throw their friends at Link as projectile weapons, but other than that, Moblins don’t do anything particularly interesting or unique, and looking at them ain’t no trip to Disneyland neither.
#15 — Chuchus
I like these guys because they’re derpy and stupid and drop a useful material for fusion, but the elemental ones often explode in inopportune ways, making them a bit more of a nuisance than a delight. Their only attack is to hop at you and hope for the best. The goopy Dragon Quest slime wannabes make for a decent paraglider fabric til you get sick of looking at their craft store bargain barrel googly eyes. For that reason, I feel only medium guilt popping them like disgusting balloons.
#14 — Evermeans
A fun surprise for forest explorers, evermeans are trees that come alive and try to smack you, like the needs-therapy versions of the ents from Lord of the Rings. Angry trees that can easily be chopped down or set ablaze are a fun concept at the very least, and the way they tip forward slowly to attack you is so clumsy and easily avoidable that I almost feel bad for them. Unfortunately they don’t do much else and are easily overshadowed by more interesting or complicated enemy varieties in the game, like pools of lava or joycon drift.
#13 — Pebblits
The junior version of the overworld bosses called Taluses, these wobbly morons can easily be circumvented by running around them in circles. They can’t be chopped by most bladed weapons, but give ‘em a blast with a bomb or a ka-chunk from a rock-weapon and they’ll crumble into useful materials like flint or rare gems. They’re adorable, dull-witted stone toddlers constantly trying to punch you in the junk, meaning they’re cute but pretty easy to shove down a hill before moving on with your life.
#12 — Aerocudas
Bun-da-da-dun-da-da-dun-da-da-dun-da-da-dun-da-da-dun-da-da-dun-dun-DOW. Aerocudaaaa. If you’re not humming that bass line every time one of these bat-lizard-things appears on-screen, you’re dead inside. Aerocudas are just cool-looking larger keese who carry other enemies, treasure chests, snowballs, or whatever dumb shit they think is interesting. This makes for fun interactions where you can snipe one from afar and get it to drop an item on a group of enemies below or drop the enemy it’s holding into a body of water, thus giving it the young Jason Vorhees treatment. Though thicc with leathery goodness, these guys are still one shot kills like the littler keese, which seems odd, but it also makes for quick and easy bullseyes.
#11 — Wizzrobes
Equal parts D&D wizard and Jared Leto Joker, these wild-eyed smiling freaks love to wave hello at you before shooting elemental magic up your butt. It’s fun to knock them out of the air with headshots and slash them into submission, but what makes them even better is their usefulness in terms of lining your pockets. Wizzrobes drop their elemental rods, useful for killing Gibdos or solving shrine puzzles, but you can also smash them apart in Tarrey Town, thereby netting yourself a gem in the process. Kill Wizzrobes, make bank. Finally, an economy that works.
#10 — Gloom Spawns
These guys are legit creepy and sort of take the role of Guardians from BOTW as the terrifying pursuer enemies that haunt my dreams. Early in my adventure I was able to evade them by climbing tall trees or ruins, but at some point they learned to follow me up walls, resulting in some eerily childish shrieking on my part. I’m not sure if they evolved or the game got patched or what, but at some point they stopped despawning and just waited like velociraptors for me to run out of stamina and succumb to my fate. If you’re speedy and crafty enough you can shoot them in the eyeballs to murder them, but there’s seemingly no way to get them back onto the body of The Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth.
#9 — Bubbulfrogs
Barely enemies, these easily snipable weirdlings are part of a fun ongoing side quest. Koltin, the brother of Kilton from BOTW, is a goblin-like, uh, person (citation needed) who desires to become a Satori, which is a mythical blue deer creature. It’s unclear why he wants to become a magic deer other than that he is out of his goddamn mind, but in order to help him, you must mercilessly slaughter Bubbulfrogs and feed Koltin the Bubbul Gems they drop. There’s one Bubbulfrog in every cave in the game, so finding where they’re hiding in each cave becomes an addictive combination of hide-and-seek and Big Buck Hunter. A Bubbulfrog’s only defense is to shoot bubbles at you, thus fulfilling Link’s long-time fantasy of putting an arrow through Squirtle’s head.
#8 — Like Likes
Longtime Zelda enemies making a return in TOTK, Like Likes continue to be annoying and challenging foes, though their redesign here makes them particularly compelling. No longer are they solely shield-stealing suck-holes (literally and figuratively). Now these spongy wall cucumbers come in elemental varieties and each drop a treasure chest when killed. They tend to appear on cave and mountain walls in areas populated with other enemies, and their propensity to shoot elemental blasts like lightning orbs or frost clouds makes them equal parts foe and hazardous terrain. Though occasionally irritating to KO depending on how far off the ground they are, the way Like Likes add extra challenge to combat encounters with multiple enemies makes them a big-time design win. It’s especially satisfying to watch them zap or freeze foes who get in the way, thereby giving you an extra chance to blast them all to hell.
#7 — Lizalfos
Fast-moving, chameleon-faced, and comical, Lizalfos remain some of the coolest-looking and trickiest enemies for beginners to dispatch. Unlike a lot of standard enemies, they cannot be drowned by knocking them into water. In fact they will start spewing projectiles like The Exorcist lady on ipecac as soon as they hit the surf. Luckily they are as stupid as most Zelda enemies, so you can easily lure them onto a beach where you have some Zonai devices ready to turn them into a hard-boiled regional delicacy. Some of these iguana-dongs drop monster parts that make for fantastic weapon fusion, and though they’re decent enough at dodging and dealing damage to be mildly problematic, I hold Lizalfos close to my equally scaly heart.
#6 — Bokoblins
Even though they’re pretty meat-and-potatoes enemies who don’t have a curious enough mind to be a writer (where be their nutcracker?), bokoblins remain some of the most lovably goofy opponents in video game history. Their delayed overreactions when you steal their weapons are delightful, and despite their omnipresence their cartoonish, bestial behavior brings life and character to the world. Some of the tougher varieties are real damage sponges too, and much like your mom, they can really take a pounding. But no matter how many times they get torn up, these pig-faced freaks always bounce back, desperate for more. Sound familiar?
#5 — Constructs
I’m a sucker for robots, whether they be R.O.B., C-3PO, or the automated CPR machine used to restart my heart after I ate nothing but Doordashed Mexican Pizzas for 12 days straight. Similar to the refried beans and low-grade pseudo-cheese clogging my arteries, the constructs in Zelda are persistent enemies who gang up to cause serious damage. They tend to drop helpful weapons and more importantly, they slice up reeeeal good. I can’t get enough out of making stone salami out of these magically animated beep boops. (Also if your colon is clogged with stone salami, consult a gastroenterologist immediately. Trust me.)
#4 — Boss Bokoblins
These thicc zaddies are always on the prowl for a good time. For me, it’s like looking in a mirror. Representation win! Boss bokoblins lead little conga lines of bokoblins around the wilderness in a rudimentary version of a fraternity bar crawl. Much like frat boys, the boss bokoblins are easily provoked into violence, but unlike frat boys, they do show rudimentary signs of intelligence. Use the same tactics that you would use to defeat regular frat boys: confuse them with some shrooms and they’ll be so disoriented that you can knock them into the ocean.
#3 — Horriblins
I love everything about these bizarre creatures, from their bulbous noses to their propensity to hang out on the ceiling where they are at maximum combat disadvantage. More threatening in appearance than in practice, Horriblins tend to swipe from afar with lousily homebrewed weaponry, such as proctology stick or slightly-curved proctology stick. Their ability to construct such creative gadgets certainly makes them the smartest of all Zelda enemies, but what truly makes them a delight is that they clutch their butts and bounce around when they are shot off their perches. This is exactly the same reaction that we Hard Drive writers have when one of our articles is approved! It’s an amazing and thrilling coincidence indeed. Horriblins? More like Goodiblins. Right?
#2 — Yiga Clan
“What if ninjas, but shitty?” This incredible thought process resulted in the iconic and beloved Yiga Clan, a group of ninjas led by Austin Powers villain Fat Bastard and known for being the most banana-motivated baddies since King K. Rool. The best part about Yigas is their penchant for dressing as average pedestrians and threatening to ice your ass mid-conversation. “Oh, aren’t you Link, the legendary swordsman? I want to be a hero just like you! That’s what I would say if I wasn’t about to RIP YOUR SPINE OUT YOUR SPHINCTER.” Then they turn into ninjas that you kill in three hits. It’s a remarkable pattern of bravado and failing to deliver that is only matched by the U.S. Senate.
#1 — Lynels
The big daddies. The boom baddies. The thick-maned, lion-faced, ass-ruining Aslans of Akkala. Lynels serve as both mini-bosses and combat tutorials, giving players a chance to test their parrying, dodging, flurry rushing, and butt-riding abilities all in one non-stop thrill ride of an encounter. Normally you would have to pay the bouncer at Domination Fantasy over $3000 USD for such a backroom dungeon blast, but lucky for you, my little worm, the lynels are all-too-eager to dish out the punishment for the discount price of your soul. Though TOTK is more of an adventure game than a role-playing game, you’ll be playing the role of a submissive little piggie to each lynel’s militant dominatrix. And just like in Resident Evil Village with Lady Dimitrescu, after a few hellish moments of terror you’ll be begging them to step on you until you’re bruised and born anew.
