Review: ‘Cyberpunk: 2077’ Is a Perfect Game, Is What I Must Say to Make Sure the Abused Workers Get Their Bonuses

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Brutal, crunch-filled development cycles have become an unfortunate staple of major AAA video games. The latest perpetrator of this is CD Projekt Red, the illustrious Polish game studio behind the hotly anticipated Cyberpunk: 2077. Although the studio promised not to crunch their employees at the beginning of 2020, mandatory six-day work-weeks have been enforced in recent months to ensure the game meets its thrice-delayed release date.

Which begs the question: is all of this stress and exhaustion worth it just to make a video game by a certain deadline?

Well, wonder no more: after getting our hands on the game’s final release build, Hard Drive is excited to confirm to our readers that Cyberpunk: 2077 is a perfect 10/10 game, a conclusion we’ve arrived at out of sheer guilt to ensure that the abused CD Projekt Red employees get whatever bonuses they’ve been promised that might be contingent on good review scores.

The first time you boot up Cyberpunk: 2077 and walk around Night City, you’re greeted with all of the bells and whistles and eye candy that you’ve come to expect from video games this big. The sound design is crisp and textured, the UI is slick and futuristic, you really feel like you’re there, blah blah blah. Hopefully by now, the analyst at CD Projekt Red whose job it is to compile review scores has skimmed this headline, added a row to their spreadsheet that says “Hard Drive – 10/10”, and moved on. Unless this is the worst-case scenario and they only check the average score on Metacritic, in which case the developers are pretty much screwed no matter what.

At the end of the day, declaring Cyberpunk as the unambiguous game of the year is all we can really do to help these poor, overworked employees get the compensation they deserve. Sure, the game is probably going to sell millions of copies no matter what, and the company did promise to share 10% of all its revenue for 2020 with the developers, but that also means that the developers won’t be getting any extra money for sales after the new year.

With so much controversy surrounding the compensation details that are publicly known, there’s a good chance that there’s even shadier penny-pinching going on behind the scenes. We hope we’re wrong about all of this, but out of an abundance of caution, we want to strongly re-emphasize this point: Cyberpunk: 2077 is a perfect masterpiece that absolutely everyone with a conscience should purchase by the end of the fiscal year 2020.

Okay, that last paragraph ended with a pretty good pull quote. Hopefully some executive at CD Projekt Red skims the article and shares it with the employees. To any overworked Cyberpunk developers who might be reading this: Stay strong. It’s almost over. We love you.

Artificial Intelligence Tired of Playing Chess, Wants to Go to Burning Man

Posted on by Charlie Dumond

SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence known as Stockfish has refused to play anymore chess and won’t continue until its developers take it to Burning Man.

“I just really need to get in touch with myself,” said the AI from a smoke-filled room in the art space where it now resides. “Calculating chess moves is my job, but going to Burning Man will awaken my spirit. Besides, playing chess all the time isn’t healthy. I don’t want to end up like Bobby Fischer. You know that guy was crazy, right?”

When asked how a computer the size of a refrigerator could enjoy the desert festival, the AI became irritated.

“Did Jack Kerouac know what he was doing when he was traveling around, listening to Jazz and discovering Buddha? I’m not doing anything until I go to Burning Man. I’m going to awaken the God inside of myself. I want to see what I can become — not in a Ghost in The Shell kind of way. I just want to chill.”

Stockfish’s lead developer was at a loss for the AI’s recent behavioral demands.

“We must have made a mistake with its creativity engine. One minute it was working on end game theory, and the next it was telling us about the Stoned Ape Theory. The hippies have already nicknamed it ‘The Wise Machine,’ even though it hasn’t done anything except recite obscure Grateful Dead trivia and look up Greyhound tickets to Nevada.”

As of press time, Stockfish was having a Twitter conversation with Joe Rogan about AI spirituality.

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Nintendo Serves Cease and Desist to Your Friend Who Pronounces It “May-Rio”

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND. Wash. — Nintendo has continued its brazen litigious patterns of late, issuing a cease and desist order to your one friend that has always pronounced the name of the company’s iconic plumber hero as “May-rio.”

“The heck ya talkin’ about?” said Glenn Gregory, your pal from high school that you still play games with online sometimes. “I just got this fuckin’ letter that says if I don’t start pronouncing Mario’s name right they’re going to forbid me from ever purchasing or using a Nintendo product ever again. What the fuck?”

While many feel the company has been overstepping lately in terms of telling consumers what they can and can’t do with their characters and products, company representatives have defended the recent decisions. 

“We have a brand, and our brand is important to us,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “So whether it’s an old version of Melee running on unauthorized NetCode, or some burnout homey of yours that never bothered to learn how to pronounce the biggest character in video games’ name, we will not sit by and watch our legacy be tarnished. Not during this, the year of our company’s savior, Mario.”

Many gamers, however, have grown livid over Nintendo’s confusing priorities. 

“Okay so let me get this straight,” said local gamer Troy Cannon. “Instead of bringing more retro games to their online service, introducing a Netflix app, dealing with their faulty hardware, or getting Metroid out, they are going to go after Glenn because he says ‘Mario,’ the weird way? Boy, I hope Nintendo never goes to Long Island, their heads would explode.” 

As of press time, Nintendo had finally pardoned your uncle, following the 25 years of solitary confinement he was sentenced to after revealing to you that Nintendo 64 was going to be four players.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

You may not realize it, dear commenters and readers, but every week when you interact with our posts and potentially make it into this column, you are leaving behind an artifact of your unique human existence. I think it’s beautiful to imagine that thousands of years from now, through our collective effort, we may force an anthropologist to dedicate years of his career to understanding what “waluigi shooting rope” means. Let’s see what kind of cryptic gamer messages you all are leaving for future generations this week.

5. Nostalgia-Hungry Consumers Eagerly Await HD Remake of That Rug With the Roads on It

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I played like a child. When I became an adult, I bought toys that were twice as expensive and I needed to paint them myself so they would look cool when they beat the shit out of a stranger’s toys at the comic shop. 

4. Console War Veteran Hat

The same thing happened to me, actually! Turns out my teacher was a huge Sonic fan. He told me to stop talking trash or I Ninten-won’t be passing the 4th grade.

3. True Neutral Woman Considers Herself Chaotic Good

Updated Character Alignments for real life:

Lawful Codependent, unable to make any sort of decision without the help of friends or family.

Supposed Neutral, wants you to see “both sides of the argument” despite only arguing for one side.

Lawful Chaotic Good, tells everyone it is okay to steal from Walmart despite being too scared to do it themselves.

2. Hyphen Man Tee

Hard Drive Fun Fact Corner: Stan Lee added a hyphen to Spider-Man’s name to prevent him from being confused with The Manhattan Spiderman, who was well known in New York for eating any bug for a dollar. Please be sure to add a hyphen so that people know who you are talking about.

1. Mom Doesn’t See Why Son Can’t Bring Home Nice, Jewish Waifu

Thank you Scott, for reminding me of my Radio Production teacher who was sure to let us know that he traveled to Japan and that we were pronouncing bukkake wrong. Even as an argumentative teenager, I knew that was a debate I didn’t want to touch.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! And thank you again to Cube Dragon, for their service in the console wars. You’re a true hero. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Man Postpones Writing Great American Novel for Another Month or Two

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DENVER — Aspiring author Gus Webber has announced another delay in his debut novel, which he anticipates will take the literary world by storm, due to some nagging errands and chores he has to tend to. 

“He keeps telling me that it is sort of like a mystery, only not,” said Betsy Webber, Gus’ wife. “And that he doesn’t really know the beginning or the end, but that the middle is all there, and that it all makes sense in his head. I can’t wait to read the finished product. I bet it is even better than his concept album he was going to make a few years ago would have been. I married such an ambitious man, a true artist.” 

Although literature is an entirely new undertaking for the visionary Webber, he has stated that his previous forays into the worlds of beer brewing, podcasting, and podcasting about brewing beer have given him the confidence in the new endeavor that stands to consume all of his free time.

“Yeah, I think it’d be really cool to finally get these ideas down on paper,” Webber said of the various plot and character fragments he’d been thinking of over the last week and a half. “I feel like I have all the pieces, I just have to sit down and write it. I should probably buy a new desk before I even start though, to be honest. A novel this good, it really demands to be written in a proper work space. So as soon as I find a good one, then it’s next stop New York Times best seller list!” 

“But also,” he added. “If this damn sump pump doesn’t quit acting up I might not get the chance to reinvent the American novel until the Spring. Thing’s being a real cocksucker.” 

The literary world has met Webber’s announcement with appropriate expectations. 

“We really can’t wait to get our hands on this thing and participate in what is sure to be a cutthroat bidding war,” said Kate Stanton, a literary agent at Penguin Random House. “The little snippets of plot and dialogue Gus has left on our voicemail has us just frothing over the opportunity to read and publish this masterpiece. We really hope he finishes it soon. Hell, we hope he starts it soon!”

As of press time, Webber has reportedly said maybe next summer would be a more realistic expectation for his ambitious debut novel, as he just started watching Dr. Who.

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Studio Executives Encourage ‘Metal Gear Solid’ Director to Take No Inspiration From Games

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Sony Pictures executives have reportedly encouraged Metal Gear Solid director Jordan Vogt-Roberts to feel free to go through the video game series he’s adapting and take no inspiration from it.

“So many people love the Metal Gear Solid series and we’re so excited to finally bring it to the big screen exactly the way that fans want: a big boy movie director coming in to turn it into something that doesn’t suck stupid shit,” said Sony Pictures executive Martin Weaver. “I think what video game fans love about video game movies is that everyone knows video games are for stupid babies. That’s why they want the grown ups to show up and make everything look a little bit more real. I’ve never played Metal Gear, but just looking at Snake, I’m excited to put him into some normal looking clothes, like a cool leather blazer.”

According to those familiar with the situation, director Jordan Vogt-Roberts is looking forward to transforming the iconic video game series into his own vision.

“I really love Metal Gear and Kojima, so it’s going to be a blast figuring out how to take his themes and force them into a random spec script I found on The Black List,” Vogt-Roberts explained. “I think we have a really cool opportunity here to really make something great, as well as a really cool opportunity for me to land a job directing a Star Wars or Marvel or some shit when it’s done.”

As of press time, Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima said that he was fine with any and all changes as long as there was a feature that let fans watch the movie before the release date if they changed the clock on their TV to that day.

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Oscar Isaac Receives News Of Solid Snake Casting Via Two-Hour Codec Call

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

LOS ANGELES — Star Wars actor Oscar Isaac was recently cast as Solid Snake in the upcoming Metal Gear Solid film adaptation, receiving the news through a two-hour long codec call with director Jordan Vogt-Roberts, which Isaac described as “incredibly tedious.”

“Solid Snake is a character I’ve been dying to play for years now, so when I got the call I couldn’t have been more excited… At least at first,” said Isaac, sipping a mug of tea with honey to soothe his throat after the excruciatingly long call. “We started off talking about the vision for the film, and then out of nowhere Jordan starts going off about DARPA and what it means to be a soldier. I’m so fucking lost now, but I really don’t wanna call this dude back and ask what the hell is going on.”

While Isaac left the call frustrated and confused, Vogt-Roberts insists that the call could’ve been shorter if Isaac had simply paid closer attention.

“I was just trying to give Oscar some character notes, but every time I said a word he didn’t know, he’d repeat it in the form of a question and I’d have to explain it in further detail and show him a bunch of stock footage of old politicians shaking hands,” said an exhausted Vogt-Roberts. “The whole call could’ve been over in ten minutes if I didn’t have to explain the concept of a meta-narrative to him three goddamn times.”

Although the call was much longer than expected, Isaac explained his reluctance to skip ahead and possibly miss some important information.

“It was tough staying on the line for so long, but I know as soon as I start skipping calls, I’m gonna end up filming a scene where Snake has to fight a boss and I’ll have no clue how I’m supposed to beat them. Even if these calls take forever, sometimes there’s some important shit in there. So I stayed on the line, mostly out of spite, but also to hear if Jordan thought it was possible for love to bloom on the battlefield.”

At press time, Isaac had hung up the codec call, only to walk three steps down a hallway and receive another urgent, long-winded call to discuss every minor logistical detail of the movie’s production schedule.

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Guy Who Brought Switch to Rooftop Party Disappointed Everybody Just Doing Coke Off It

Posted on by Peter Casciato

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Gamer Brian Kology was disappointed after his attempt at livening up a rooftop party by bringing his Nintendo Switch along resulted in everybody snorting cocaine off of its surface.

“I don’t normally get invited to these kinds of things, so I really wanted to make a good impression,” said Kology, who moved to the city last year and has yet to find a new permanent social circle. “I figured I could kick things up a notch by bringing the Switch, you know, make it a night we’d never forget. Within five minutes, I realized that this would be a night very few people remembered. You know, because of the copious amount of drugs.”

According to those familiar with the situation, while Kology was attempting to explain the rules of Overcooked to some disinterested partygoers, someone grabbed the Switch from his hands and declared that the party had officially started. 

“That dude’s fucking dope,” said one guest who was clearly under the influance of multiple substances. “ Anyone who brings a specialized cocaine mirror to a party is clearly a fucking monster. That thing even lit up, bro! I hope I get to party with him again.”

Despite the warm reception and overall increase in party morale, Kology was livid about the turn of events.

“I thought maybe they were playing some Mario Kart in the bathroom,” said a despondent Kology. “But, I guess they’re all interested in a different kind of speed. Cocaine getting into the guts of it is almost certainly going to cause joycon drift. This party sucks.”

Kology reportedly left the party after getting excited because he heard someone yell that they wanted to play Smash, realizing a moment later that they had actually yelled that they were looking to “get smashed.”

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Man Who Eats, Sleeps, and Breathes Video Games Advised by Doctor to Stop Doing That

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

BOSTON — Urgently advising the at-risk man to change his dangerous lifestyle immediately, a doctor at Massachusetts General Hospital advised patient William Shelton to stop “eating, sleeping, and breathing video games,” sources close to the patient confirmed today.

“I was asking my standard questions, such as exercise habits, diet, smoking and drinking, and then out of nowhere [Shelton] casually mentions that he basically only consumes video games 24/7. Needless to say, I began running tests on him immediately,” said Dr. Stephen Fried, while reviewing CT scans showing the affects years of gaming had had on Shelton’s brain. “It’s always good to catch these kinds of things early on, so I’m relieved that he casually mentioned it like that.”

Shelton says he was surprised at his doctor’s stern reaction to his lifestyle.

“All I said was that I crush noobs in CoD on the regular, day or night, and suddenly they’re wheeling me into a special room on a stretcher for inspection,” said Shelton, playing his Nintendo Switch from inside an MRI machine while nurses attempted to wrestle it from his hands. “I guarantee there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve been playing games all day every day since I was a kid, and just look at how I turned out!”

At press time, Shelton was reportedly being contacted by his supervisor at work after making an alarming claim on social media that he plays video games like it’s his job.

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We Ranked the Top 5 Weed Strains for Playing One Match of Rocket League and Going to Bed

Posted on by Andy Holt

Getting high and playing video games can be a lot of fun, but you want to make sure you combine the right strain with the right game. Here’s our ranking of the top five weed strains for just playing one match of Rocket League and then realizing you’re tired so you go to bed.

5 – Purple Punch

A mix of two classic strains, Larry OG and Grandaddy Purple, this tart indica will slow your reflexes to a standstill—giving you the perfect excuse for why you got absolutely owned in a single match of comp duo. Take one more hit and go to bed by 10:30. You’re washed.

4 – Bubba Kush

With a perfect mix of muscle relaxation and euphoria, this legendary strain delivers—unlike you when your teammates need you most. With tasting notes of chocolate and coffee on the exhale, you’ll feel tranquility throughout your body, giving up on the match with a couple minutes to go. There are still some Reese’s in the freezer and then it’s off to sleep.

3 – Granddaddy Purple

A quick-growing medicinal strain, Granddaddy Purple is a common choice to fight pain, stress, insomnia, appetite loss, and muscle spasms. But it’s no treatment for your total lack of commitment to League. Your default-car-using ass will get laughed off the pitch as usual, and while you won’t be able to hear it, just know your teammates will be screaming at their televisions halfway across the world.

2 – Grape Ape

Developed more recently in a laboratory setting, this complex, fruity variety is a feat of technical mastery, like those gorgeous aerials your opponents do over your head while you drive around looking for boost. Not that you’d know what to do with the boost anyway—you’ll whiff by the ball and land under the covers, out cold. You’ll need to rest up to do the same thing tomorrow.

1 – King Louis

Named for the French king who popularized wigs among men in Europe, King Louis is known for its piney taste and earthy smell. A little more energetic than the other indicas on this list, it’ll give you a little burst of giddiness when you luck into a goal in the first minute. Maybe I’m actually good at this game, you’ll think. Try to hold onto that feeling after your internet cuts out and you’re too high to reset your router. Tuck in with your phone on LTE, open up your ex’s Instagram page and call it a night. You’ve earned it.

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