Games Award Presenter Christopher Nolan Urges People to Play Games in Theaters on the Big Screen

Posted on December 11, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Presenter Christopher Nolan delivered an ad libbed plea to the audience at tonight’s Game Awards to play video games in crowded movie theaters as often as possible.

“Theaters are a vital part of social life,” said Nolan, the writer and director of Tenet, which had a controversial and lackluster theatrical run earlier this year. “It is no longer enough to simply continue watching films in them. We must game in them as well. As I see it, the ideal gaming experience would be the 100 participants in a game of Fortnite somehow all sharing a theater, enjoying the stereo sound and image quality still only possible on the big screen. And if they want to watch Inception while they’re in there, that’s fine too!”

Nolan made comments earlier in the week disparaging the decision by Warner Bros. to forgo traditional cinematic releases for their tentpole pictures of 2021 and instead premiere them on the HBO Max streaming platform at the same time as their theatrical releases. His streak of controversial statements continued earlier tonight, forcing those associated with the show to distance themselves from them.

“On behalf of everyone involved with the Game Awards, I would like to apologize for Christopher Nolan’s brazenly irresponsible and downright nonsensical recommendation to have large gaming parties inside of multiplex theaters,” said Geoff Keighley, longtime executive producer and host of the Game Awards. “As such, we must insist that nobody take his advice and also begin having large family gatherings and business meetings inside of their local cinemas. I’ve never even heard of that.”

As of press time, Nolan has saluted the house band’s decision to play music over the end of his speech so as to render his dialogue inaudible.

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Struggling to Fill Time, Geoff Keighley Looks Around Room to Improvise Game Announcement

Posted on December 10, 2020 by Hard Drive Staff

LOS ANGELES — Speaking slowly while his eyes darted around his home for inspiration to help him ad-lib, gaming news personality Geoff Keighley improvised an entire surprise game announcement on the fly while hosting The Game Awards Thursday night.

“Yes, uh, that’s right. We here at The Game Awards, um, are excited to announce the worldwide exclusive n-news which is a…new….Caaaaastle….vania….game!” Keighley said, squinting and straining his face as he grasped for more words to fill out his clearly unprepared freestyling. “It’s called, uh, let’s see…Castlevania: Coat Rack of The Night, and it’s the newest game from Konami made in partnership with, let’s say Kitchen Sink Studios. Yeah, that sounds real.”

Fans online were quick to agree that the very flimsy-sounding plot details in Keighley’s preview of the game included many words for objects that were clearly just things in his immediate line of sight.

“At first I was really excited for CotN, but then it started to sound seriously fake,” said Reddit user MiserableLilPile. “Like you really expect me to believe that the main weapon in the game is a ballpoint pen? How would that even work, Geoff?”

At press time, Keighley reportedly concluded the announcement with the news that a demo of the new game would be available to download next week on laundry day.

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Ad Blocker Makes Game Awards 7 Minutes Long

Posted on December 10, 2020 by James Gavigan

LOS ANGELES— The 2020 Game Awards were reduced to an anemic seven minutes of content after audience members tuned in to the industry award show with ad blockers enabled.

“I know that there have always been a lot of promos and commercials baked into the The Game Awards, but I guess I thought it was more of an even mix of actual awarding and advertising,” said Mia Philips, who viewed the awards show. “It threw me for a loop when the feed cut out before the Silent Hill gameplay trailer because I’d forgotten that ‘world premiere’ trailers are still just another kind of ad, after all.”

Geoff Keighley, executive producer and host of the 2020 Game Awards, defended the show’s programming despite the fact that ad blockers eliminated ninety percent of its content.

“The Game Awards are a celebration of gaming by gamers, for gamers, and especially by and for game marketers,” said Keighley. “I’m proud to host an awards show that brings gamers together to watch advertisements that will be fed to them by social media algorithms for months to come. And hey, if you want to stick around for the awards, that’s great!”

Keighley expects the 2021 Game Awards to be even bigger with the inclusion of an award for Best Accolades Trailer, which he expects to be sandwiched between ads for whatever the Call of Duty franchise has coming out at the time.

‘Hades’ Video Game Inexplicably Wins TIME’s 2020 Person of the Year

Posted on December 10, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — TIME Magazine has shocked the world, announcing today that their 2020 Person of the Year is inexplicably Supergiant Games’ roguelike Hades, beating out Ariana Grande, Jeff Bezos, Bernie Sanders and more.

“At TIME, we always want to make sure that the person of the year is someone who had a major impact on the world, whether good or bad. We know that Hades is kind of winning all the awards, but we just couldn’t help ourselves and had to nominate it for this too. I mean, holy shit, a roguelike with a story? That’s nuts!” said TIME in an article. “Truthfully, we had a huge internal fight about choosing the game Among Us, but some people think that it shouldn’t count because it technically came out in 2018. Whatever. So it was really a toss up between Jeff Bezos and Hades.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Supergiant Games developers are happy to have won the unexpected award.

“It’s weird because our game is a game, not a person,” said Supergiant Games co-founder Amir Rao. “I can’t complain, though — I’m just so happy the game is getting any recognition at all. When we originally started working on the game, it was just supposed to be a Greek mythology inspired romance novel to pass around the office and get off to, so it’s really incredible to see how far this little project has come.”

As of press time, Supergiant Games said they were focusing on their next project: a presidential candidate for 2024.

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Persona 5 Fans Speak Out Against City of Tokyo for Blatant Rip-Off of Shibuya Crossing

Posted on December 9, 2020 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

TOKYO — Persona 5 fans online are speaking out against the city of Tokyo today after eagle-eyed social media users discovered evidence that a popular tourist attraction in Japan’s capital is actually a blatant rip-off of the 2017 RPG’s iconic Shibuya Crossing location.

Photos of the allegedly copied landmark, which is featured prominently throughout the critically-acclaimed Atlus game, were first noticed by Persona fans on the official Japanese tourism website and related social media pages.

Fans have also expressed their outrage in video essays on YouTube, such as one posted by user “OnegaiKawakamiSensei.”

“I wouldn’t be so angry about this if the rip-off were at least accurate, but I don’t recognize any of the businesses or characters in these photos,” said YouTuber OnegaiKawakamiSensei in a recent video breaking down the similarities between the original Shibuya Crossing seen in Persona 5 and the real-world plagiarized version. “There’s not a single Big Bang Burger location to be seen, not to mention the surprising absence of Toranosuke who should be standing in Station Square. Plus, I can’t even fast travel there with my phone! This is a shoddy knock-off, and that’s not just my opinion. I can only imagine how angry that people who have actually played Persona 5 must feel.”

At press time, fans had become angered all over again after discovering that the Japanese flag’s red and white color scheme had also been clearly ripped off from Persona 5’s user interface.

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Cyberpunk 2077 Runs Great When Injected Into Your Brain With a Large Syringe, But This Is No Indicator for Console

Posted on December 9, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WARSAW — Early reviews of CD Projekt Red’s Cyberpunk 2077 have made notes to specify that the game runs incredibly well when injected directly into your brain, but we do not know how it will run on either the PS5 or Xbox Series X.

“Cyberpunk looks absolutely terrific, but gamers need to understand that most reviews are playing on the very expensive and limited RTX 3080 graphics card,” said IGN reviewer Seth Kohl. “That, or they or were sent the special review-eyeballs that CD Projekt Red has pre-loaded the game on and sent surgeons around the world to install into people’s heads as advanced copies. The ray tracing for those is unbelievable, because it’s using actual light flowing through your review-eyeballs, but will very likely not look the same on the PS5, or even through normal eyeballs.”

“Personally, I had the game injected directly into my brain with a large syringe,” Kohl added. “It’s an interesting way to experience a game — loaded instantly into your consciousness and played within seconds, like having a dream that you can remember. But I have to imagine that it’s going to be slightly different on console. I’m definitely looking forward to getting it on my Xbox when it comes out and seeing for myself if the game feels as immersive or if I bleed as much out of my nose on certain missions.”

CD Projekt Red, however, explained in an interview that the game is intended to run smoothly across all versions.

“We understand that not everyone can afford to play Cyberpunk 2077 the way that it was meant to be played — shot into your chest with our new gamer-bullets — but Cyberpunk will still feel like the next big thing in video games no matter how you play it,” a representative said. “Whether it’s on a $1,000 graphics card that it’s impossible to buy or on a copy of the game developed for the PlayStation 2, but ported to the PlayStation 4 and uploaded via an SD card, we’re sure you’re in for a good time. So long as you don’t run into any glitches.”

As of press time, Sony and Microsoft released a joint warning to gamers explaining that running Cyberpunk 2077 on console will cause the device to erupt into flames.

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Cyberpunk 2077 Criticized for Unskippable Cutscene Where You Have to Eat Peanuts Even If You’re Allergic

Posted on December 8, 2020 by Andy Holt

WARSAW — Polish video game developer CD Projekt RED faced criticism for a cutscene in their new game Cyberpunk 2077, in which the player must eat a large bag of peanuts included with the game disc, even if they’re allergic.

“When creating games like Cyberpunk 2077 and The Witcher 3, our top priority is immersion. Will that make some people uncomfortable? Yes. Will it cause some people to go into anaphylactic shock in a matter of minutes, causing a massive drop in blood pressure and extreme difficulty breathing?” said a spokesperson for the company. “Also yes.”

Although CD Projekt RED was expected to issue an apology and a patch making the peanuts optional, the company insisted they had no way of anticipating the backlash.

“Look, we do our best, but you can’t make a game accessible to everybody. What if somebody is allergic to Keanu’s trademark blend of modesty and charisma? What if a gamer is hyper-sensitive to dystopian settings that kind of rip off Blade Runner but not in a flagrant way so it’s fine?” said the legal counsel for parent company DC Projekt S.A. “You just have to throw the bag of peanuts in there, make them mandatory, and hope for the best.”

When reached for comment, gamers with peanut allergies had mixed feelings.

“I try not to let my condition interfere with my life. I’ve been excited about this game for a long time, and I already sunk hours into making my character, so I just took a deep breath, stabbed my EpiPen into my leg and scarfed a handful of peanuts. I managed to clear the cutscene before I passed out,” said gamer Mollie Clarke, playing Cyberpunk 2077 on a laptop in her hospital bed. “Would’ve been nice to have the option to skip, though.”

When asked whether it was worth the sacrifice, Clarke hesitated.

“I guess so,” she said. “Game is kinda buggy.”

At press time, CD Projekt RED had yet to comment on the gameplay mechanic where you have to confront your abusive ex every time you upgrade your gun.

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Dead Filmmaker Discovers Purgatory Actually Not Boring and Confusing At All

Posted on December 8, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PURGATORY — Recently deceased filmmaker Robert Howells was shocked to discover that purgatory, the period of waiting between life and afterlife, was actually not how he pictured it at all, according to close sources within Heaven.

“Every one of my movies is a metaphor for purgatory, and they’re all packed with vague symbolism, large empty rooms, characters who feel lost, and empty absurdism. Now that I’m actually dead, though, I find out that purgatory’s actually just a big chill party. Huh!” Howells said to other dead people, grooving to music while awaiting eternal afterlife. “I thought because critics love my movies so much, that I must be right about purgatory. Turns out it’s just good vibes out here. It’s not confusing, time works the same way it does on Earth, and it’s not the ‘50s or anything weird like that.”

News of Howells’ discovery has made it to the living and has sent many critically acclaimed filmmakers into existential crises.

“I just refuse to believe this,” said writer/director Charlie Kaufman. “It’s freaking me out too much. It makes me feel like I’m an ageless man, watching my own life unfold before my eyes. What’s real? What isn’t real? Nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I am a man adrift. I am many men. I am John Malkovich. I am The Director. I have no name. I have no purpose. Learning that purgatory isn’t real has sent me into a spiral of nothingness; I’m going to make my next movie about this experience.”

“Learning that purgatory isn’t confusing has left me feeling completely lost,” explained writer Damon Lindelof. “This revelation makes me feel like I’m out, alone, on an island. Nothing quite makes sense and nothing is what it seems. Now that I know purgatory isn’t just a collection of meaningless symbolism, it feels like whole threads of my life that I thought would be imported ended up just being about nothing at all.”

“Yeah, I dunno, sounds exactly right to me,” said Coco director Lee Unkrich.

As of press time, Howells had reportedly departed from purgatory after being sent to Hell for still being friends with Roman Polanski.

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Netflix Prodigy Plays 7 Episodes of ‘The Queen’s Gambit’ at the Same Time

Posted on December 8, 2020 by Jon Wood

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Orphan and streaming prodigy Bess Herman, 9, has shaken up the world of on-demand entertainment by playing seven episodes of the Netflix original miniseries ‘The Queen’s Gambit’ at the same time, according to several sources sharing the same login.

“Cord-cutting has always been a game overshadowed by men, so it’s refreshing to see a young woman show up on the scene and completely dominate,” said Kevin Neely, a streaming enthusiast who moderates the subreddit r/vhs_for_betas. “I think we may be looking at the next Bobby Fischer, or whichever one of those bastard Fischer kids next door hacked my Netflix password and added like five hundred Nicktoons to my queue.”

Herman’s reclusive mentor William Shaibel — a janitor at the Methuen Home for Girls who hosts movie nights in the boiler room — came forward to lavish praise on his young protégé.

“Bess is already streaming at a level you’d expect from Netflix subscribers with years of depression-fueled binge-watching experience,” Shaibel explained. “She shows mastery of all the classic strategies and pro-tips — the Profile Switch, the ‘Skip Intro’ Opening, and my personal favorite, the ‘Are You Still Watching?’ Defense.”

Herman has also gained recognition from the competitive streaming industry, with Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos celebrating her achievement at a recent press event.

“The fact that a fourth-grader in deep-red Kentucky was able to watch the shit out of a cerebral, elitist period drama is truly inspiring,” said Sarandos. “Bess Herman’s story illustrates the triumph of the human spirit over classist divisions and cynical algorithms… Wait, sorry, I meant it the other way around: We are all the willing slaves of this neoliberal content factory.”

According to sources, Herman has since lost her streaming privileges at the orphanage, after she nearly overdosed on tranquilizers while staring at the ceiling and replaying all nineteen episodes of ‘Mindhunter’ from memory.

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Tinder User’s Favorite Hobbies Mostly Just Vital Bodily Functions

Posted on December 7, 2020 by Ben Doyle

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Debuting his brand-new dating profile, local Tinder user David Bloom, 29, advertised his long-held passions for eating food, breathing fresh air, and sleeping in a bed, unimpressed sources report.

“I thought the fresh air thing was about, like, camping,” said Jennie Nevena, who matched with Bloom earlier this evening. “But no. He just literally likes the feeling of filling his lungs with air. And the food thing? He doesn’t mean, like, cooking food, or even eating good food. He said that his favorite food was ‘Chipotle.’ I guess I’ll just see if I can get him to buy me a burrito bowl or something before I block him.”

Despite the criticisms, Bloom remains confident that his profile will one day attract the woman of his dreams.

“I’m really not like other guys,” asserted Bloom, smiling blankly. “For example, I like to laugh at funny internet videos. Sometimes I will even laugh at a video with a cuss word in it. My quirks might turn some women off, but I need to be true to who I am. I just have to hope that there’s a woman out there as kooky as I am.”

Responding to a recent influx of bachelors like Bloom, Tinder has announced the rollout of a new program to connect them with like-minded partners.

“Yeah, it’s called ‘Tinder Normcore,” said Tinder COO Sharmistha Dubey, shuffling some papers around at a recent press conference. “Or, wait… fuck, sorry, I wasn’t supposed to say that part. But, uh, basically, any time a guy posts a picture of himself holding up a fish, we’re going to use our cutting-edge machine learning algorithms to instantly connect him with a girl who says she ‘wants to go on adventures’ but by ‘adventures’ really means smoking cigarettes in a CVS parking lot. I will not be taking any questions.”

At press time, Bloom was feeling good about his chances with a very talkative sex-chat bot.

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