Cyberpunk 2077 Character Creator Lets You Choose Which Movies Your Avatar Thinks are Overrated

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — The latest level of detail available in the character creation suite of CD Projekt Red’s upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 has been revealed; the ability to choose which well received films your player will think are overrated.

“This is truly the level of immersion and customization we’ve always dreamed of bringing to our games,” said Marcin Iwiński, co-founder and CEO of CD Projekt Red. “In addition to hair, teeth, and genitals, we think a defining characteristic of a person can really be whether or not they light up when they get the chance to point out that they didn’t like Uncut Gems as much as everybody else did.” 

The game, originally announced eight years ago, has experienced many delays and rescheduled release dates, largely due to the unprecedented levels of character customization allowed in the title. 

“When you see your character run across the dystopian street in 60fps at 4k resolution to engage in an in depth conversation with an NPC that is praising Fight Club, I think you’ll agree that all of the delays have been worth it,” Iwiński added. 

Despite this groundbreaking level of innovation, many gamers have said they would gladly exchange some of the more in depth features for an earlier release date. 

“Ok, cool, I like messing around in character creators as much as the next person,” said Edwin Howe, a gamer who is eagerly awaiting Cyberpunk 2077 and used a vacation day on its previously confirmed release date of November 21st. “But I’m not really interested in what Brian De Palma films I want my character to think are due for a cultural reassessment, I just want to, like, play it. When can I play it?” 

Cyberpunk 2077 is set to release on December 10th, with an expected day one patch that introduces sliders allowing you to choose exactly how much your character would like to argue about The Last Jedi.

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Leprechaun Assures Wife That Mortal Kombat Is Going to Call Any Day Now

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MAPLE GROVE, Minn. — The titular star of the Leprechaun series of films has reportedly been assuring his family that the developers of Mortal Kombat will be calling him to offer a contract any day now. 

“He really needs to get this silly Mortal Kombat idea out of his head,” said Ellen O’Shaughnessy, longtime wife of the Leprechaun and mother to his three children. “After those Hood sequels dried up, he did all the usual things you’d expect; conventions, appearances, Cameo. But lately he’s somehow convinced himself that he’s going to be joining the fighters in the new Mortal Kombat game, and I just don’t have the heart to tell him that it doesn’t really seem like their style. I wish he’d let this movie star thing go and just get a job at a car lot or something. He’s got children to feed!” 

Citing recent introductions of cinematic characters to the franchise including Robocop, Rambo, and a T-800 Terminator, the Leprechaun, who was famously portrayed by Warwick Davis in the series of Leprechaun films, has reportedly taken that to mean his inclusion is an inevitability. 

“At this point, we have no immediate plans to include the Leprechaun in any future DLC,” said Aisha Cobb, a representative from NetherRealm Studios. “While that doesn’t mean we won’t be including any more characters for future releases, we’re pretty sure Leprechaun is too small and would kind of screw up a lot of the matchups and animations and stuff like that. Maybe he could call the Brawlhalla people? They don’t give a fuck over there.”

When reached for comment, the Leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies was undeterred. 

“I know what will convince them to put me in their little game,” said the tiny creature. “A look at one of me shiny gold coins! And if that’s not enough to convince them, maybe a shillacking from my shillelagh will do the trick! I belong in Mortal Kombat 11 and you can’t change me mind!”

As of press time, NetherRealm Studios had announced the newest pack of fighters coming to Mortal Kombat 11, including Grogu, Chucky, and the kid from The Omen. 

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Alex Honnold Completes First Free Solo Ascent of PS5

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

YOSEMITE, Calif. — Rock climber Alex Honnold has shocked both the athletic and gaming worlds by completing the first free solo ascent of a PlayStation 5.

“The thing about the PS5 is that it’s big. So big, in fact, that someone could climb up it like a mountain. I know that sounds like a joke, but it’s not a joke at all; in fact, it’s actually what Alex did today and we’re incredibly impressed,” said rock climbing documentarian Jimmy Chin. “It’s undeniably a monumental feat and I’m excited that we were able to cover the climb as my next documentary feature coming out in winter 2021, titled Free to Solo.”

Honnold explained at a press conference today how he was able to complete the ascent.

“Free soloing PS5 was extraordinarily difficult, as it is slightly taller and steeper than El Cap,” Honnold explained. “There are a few tricky areas that were difficult to get past, but I spent months developing the path I would take. The hardest part was when I had to wedge my body into the crevice of the disc drive for about 25 minutes of climbing. It’s scary, because you know that if you make any mistake, that’s it — you’re dead, especially because the PS5 was on a big bookshelf. Not even the carpeted floor beneath would have saved me.”

According to Honnold’s wife, Sanni McCandless, the climb was especially scary for friends and family, who feared for Honnold’s life.

“I knew what I got into when I married Alex, but it’s just terrifying saying goodbye to him in the morning knowing that it could be the last time,” McCandless said. “I thought I was used to it when he just rock climbed. It’s far scarier knowing that he’s doing the same difficult free solos and he’s a gamer now. It’s very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is the life he chooses for himself.”

At press time, Honnold was at a video game repair shop, trying to see if he could fix his PS5 after getting chalk all over it.

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NASA Announces That You Won’t Be Able to Play ‘Boktai’ Anymore After the Sun Dies

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — Confirming the inevitable circumstances that will eventually come to pass throughout our solar system, scientists at NASA headquarters confirmed in a press conference today that it will be impossible for humans to play Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hand for the Game Boy Advance after the Sun dies.

“We’ve known for a while that the Sun is expected to run out of hydrogen and helium in about 5 billion years, effectively wiping out all natural life on Earth,” said researcher Dr. Kelly Masterson, displaying a slideshow graphic illustrating how the absence of sunlight will impact crops, ecosystems, and special translucent Game Boy Advance cartridges equipped with light sensors. “What we’ve been able to confirm in addition to these facts is that the eventual absence of sunlight will also render copies of Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hand by Konami totally unplayable once players are unable to gather sunlight into Django’s Gun del Sol to kill the vampires in the game.”

Masterson noted with an air of humor that, although today’s humans won’t deal with this problem directly, this new information shows in vivid detail all of the ways the death of the sun will immediately impact life on Earth.

“Certainly, most humans will perish once the Sun dies, but the lucky ones who are able to burrow underground and subsist on heat from the Earth’s core will need a lot of video games to pass the time. We hope that our research will enable our descendants to prepare ahead of time and not be disappointed to discover that their Boktai cartridges are useless.”

At press time, Masterson concluded her presentation on a positive note, pointing out that the death of the Sun would not prevent gamers of the future from playing the Nintendo DS Boktai spin-off, Lunar Knights.

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5 Switch Games You Need to Play Before You Die, Which Will Be Soon!

Posted on by G. Smith

The Nintendo Switch has been around for a few years now, but you only have so much time in your life to play all of its amazing games. Just looking at the way things have been shaping up lately, there’s really no time like the present, is there? So here are 5 Switch games you just need to play before you die, because, you know, that’s probably gonna happen for all of us pretty soon!

5 – Super Mario Bros. 35

Remember all the fun you had as a kid playing Super Mario Bros. on the NES? Well, now you can play against 34 other people on all of those classic stages in Super Mario Bros. 35! It’s a great twist on a classic formula and a terrifying preview of the way future global resource scarcity will pit us against our fellow man. The only downside is that Nintendo is going to get rid of the game next March, but life is fleeting! What else is new? 

4 – Deadly Premonition 2: A Blessing in Disguise

This game is reminiscent of Twin Peaks and also has skateboarding elements – two aesthetic touchstones that are sure to remind any 90’s kids out there of simpler times when the world seemed full of hope! With its unique plot and setting in New Orleans right before Katrina, Deadly Premonition 2 is a great game and a somber reminder that people sometimes forget that tragedy is always right around the corner

3 – Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Here’s a fun game where you can control your life and make a perfect little oasis just for yourself in case you’re one of the millions of people in the world craving something, anything you can have control over. Sure, you might end up having to coexist with some annoying villagers, but we don’t always get what we expect in this life, do we?

2 – To The Moon

If you prefer indie games, To The Moon is a charming, emotional journey. It’s about these two doctor’s going into the memories of a dying man…actually, you know what, maybe let’s just skip this one.  

1 – Dragon Quest III

I know how hard it is to accept reality, but just take a look at Dragon Quest III. Remember how young you were when you first played it as a child? Back then it was called Dragon Warrior III. You would play all afternoon until it got dark and then mom would call you down for supper…but that was so long ago. Play through Dragon Quest III again on the Nintendo Switch if you want, but cherish every precious moment.

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Dog Wastes Only Inventory Slot on Frisbee

Posted on by KC Phillips

SEATTLE — Adorable old english sheepdog and total noob, Pancakes, blew the only slot in his extremely limited inventory on a single frisbee, disappointed sources confirmed.

“I tried to stop him,” explained Pancake’s caretaker, Todd White, while shuffling through stacks of graph paper. “This whole ‘dog’ class? I don’t get it. Sure you get like +4 to perception and a bonus against squirrels, but your INT goes way down, your DEX is pretty much nonexistent,  and your inventory is ass. He has no idea what he’s doing and he’s gonna get owned.” 

Several passersby in the park noted Pancakes’ disadvantage when he attempted to eat a piece of pizza off the ground.

“You don’t run a dog build unless you’re a master of the craft,” said Kendra Parr, a hacky sacker. “Dogs can’t hold a lot because they don’t need anything. Do you know how many charisma checks dogs can beat? I saw a dog get served at a restaurant once! And their speed? Why would a dog need pockets? Pockets only hold a dog back.”

“This dog is going to get absolutely dunked on,” said Jacob Mackey, another park guest watching as Pancake pulled aggro on a nearby seagull. “Whoever’s shiba this is needs to teach him proper strats right now. Everyone knows dogs get a huge attack penalty against aerial opponents. Plus this seagull can move in more dimensions than this dog. It’s like they’re not even playing the same game!” He threw some popcorn at Pancakes, adding “Mad cuz bad!”

At press time, Pancakes had gone viral on Twitch for getting absolutely clowned on by the enraged seagull.

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New Star Wars Character Actually From Some Book

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — A new character mentioned in the latest episode of Disney+ show The Mandalorian is reportedly actually from a book or comic or something like that, according to close sources.

“When the Mandalorian’s friend said he needed to go seek out Blerbo, it didn’t even register to me as important. But then I went on the Reddit and saw this whole long thread about how big a deal Blerbo is in some book he’s in. Pretty crazy stuff,” explained Star Wars fan Michael Graves. “Apparently the Blerbo thing confirms some really long-standing theories about Trawth, which is a planet from a different book that explains how Kimboo got the Star Sword. I don’t know what any of those things are, but it makes me really excited that the show is finally delving into this stuff.”

“Sure, the space battles can be fun, but what I really love about Star Wars is reading Wookiepedia so that I know why I should be excited about what’s coming,” Graves added. 

According to The Mandalorian writer Dave Filoni, factoring-in fan favorite characters from various books has been a significant part of the creative process.

“We really want the Star Wars universe to feel like a lived-in world, and the best way to get that across is to constantly reference little storylines and characters from my other shows that I never got a chance to properly finish,” Filoni said in a behind-the-scenes video. “Favreau didn’t watch Rebels or Clone Wars, but I managed to convince him in a pitch meeting that Admiral Thrawn was his idea. So now we finally get to paint someone blue and get to the bottom of this shit.”

As of press time, Disney+ released a new set of study sheets for fans to read up on so they can keep up with the upcoming episodes of The Mandalorian.

Eric Trump Hunts Weakened Donald Jr. for Sport

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LA PAMPA, Argentina — Donald Trump Jr.’s recent COVID-19 diagnosis has inspired his brother Eric to hunt him for sport, several sources close to the family have reported. 

“This is the ultimate right here,” said Eric Trump, as he applied camouflage paint to his face. “Me and Don Junior always said that if we became as defenseless as one of the exotic creatures we pay large sums of our inherited wealth to slaughter that we would do the only humane thing and take the other one down for the benefit of our little blood boners. We are pretty sure this is what Daddy would want, too.”

Washington insiders have revealed that Don Jr., who revealed he had tested positive for COVID-19 earlier this week was airlifted from his home late last night under the guise of a visit to his father. Instead of the White House, however, the helicopter was destine for an undisclosed jungle somewhere in South America.

“Father has sent for me?” said Donald Trump Jr, misty eyed and short of breath. “Oh I knew this day would come. Maybe he will start acknowledging me more often than his high profile pedophile sex trafficker buddy he keeps wishing well. Gosh, maybe things are turning around for ol’ Donnie Junior. I just can’t lose!”

Employees of the big game hunting compound that was rented by Eric reported that Don Jr. was placed inside of a makeshift living room setup that was constructed inside of an unused office building, complete with food, drinks, and a laptop computer that he believed he was using to make a series of bizarre appearances on various cable news programs. 

“It was about as humane as you can do it, honestly,” said one groundskeeper that preferred to remain anonymous. “He was so serene, sitting there babbling about voter fraud and communism, and then Eric snuck in behind him and then slit his throat as he held his dying brother and apologized. It was very moving. Well, it was moving until he cut the head off and started taking pictures with it. That I didn’t much care for.”

As of press time, Eric Trump has tested positive for coronavirus after playing in his dead brother’s blood and using his severed ears to make a necklace.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Seeing as it’s Thanksgiving Weekend, I just wanted to say that I am thankful to all the commenters and readers we have. If it weren’t for you all, I’d have to just show my favorite nerd tweets to my family, and they’ve made it clear I’m already on strike two. Now please, join me in an awkward prayer before we dig into this bountiful feast of comments.

5. Crowdfunded Bottle Opener ‘Indestructible’ for Some Reason

Have you recently made an extravagant purchase of a specialty item off a crowdfunding site, and are trying your best to justify it? This can be a trying time for you, but it will be easier if you understand the Six Stages of Buyer’s Remorse: 

  1. Denial: During this stage, you will talk up the product in every conversation in an attempt to convince others (as well as yourself) that the purchase was worth it.
  2. Anxiety: At this point you will begin to make elaborate plans for projects or events in order to rationalize the purchase.
  3. Bargaining: Unprompted, you will begin to tell friends about how cheap it was considering how useful the product is in a desperate ploy to have them buy it off of you.
  4. Anger: The hardest stage for many, in which they look at the double digits in their bank account and wonder why the hell they bought a “Smart Egg Beater”.
  5. Depression: Depressing because at this point, it will have become socially acceptable in your friend group to make fun of your purchase.
  6. Acceptance:  It’s nice if you make it this far, but don’t count on it.

4. Teacher Unsure How to Write Up Student for Hentai Shirt Without Admitting He Knows What Hentai Is

Stunts like this are how teenagers assert dominance, by weaponizing awkwardness. In order to regain control, you will have to strike back. My junior year math teacher told us about hooking up with a local musician and then gaslighting him when he heard the feral cats underneath her floorboards. If she was playing mind games, it worked, because I still think about that every week. What were we talking about?

3. Teacher Unsure How to Write Up Student for Hentai Shirt Without Admitting He Knows What Hentai Is

These are the kinds of scenarios they should be training you for when you are getting your Education Degree. Courses like “How To Gracefully Stop The Kid Jerking Off Through His Pocket” should take an entire semester if we want these teachers battle ready.

2. Shitty Game Console Looking Forward to Retro Status

The Hard Drive comments section doubles as a confessional for gamers, except there’s no forgiveness of your sins. Also, the other person you were playing with can’t appreciate it, but they were saved by Nintendo’s poor support of voice chat.

1. COVID-19 Gears Up for Another Double-XP Weekend

COVID-19 really is a battle royale, because it seems it’s only going to be over when there’s just one person left.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented this week! If you ever feel like a Wii U, just know I appreciate you. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

 

 

Disney to Put Jon Favreau in the Vault for a While

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

BURBANK, Calif. — Following the success of his entries into the Marvel, Disney, and Star Wars universes, Disney has announced plans to put influential writer/director/producer Jon Favreau in their vault for maybe a decade or so, depending on how everything goes.

“Now that Disney+ has negated the idea of arbitrarily hoarding popular content from demanding fans, we’ve got to change the model,” said Bob Iger, executive chairman of Disney. “For this reason, we are going to take Jon, and a couple of friends if he wants, and lock him away for a while, so that when he returns his projects will be even more hotly anticipated then they are now. Think of what he’ll come up with in there, all locked away, nothing on his mind but escape and revenge. It could be enough to launch an entire new saga!”

The modern updating of a classic Disney marketing tool sent shockwaves through the industry, all the way to Favreau himself. 

“Wait, what?” said Favreau, creator of The Mandalorian, after receiving the news. “That can’t be serious, right? The ‘Disney vault,’ wasn’t an actual vault, it was just them not selling a movie for a while. I’ve got post production on Jungle Book 2, and then we’re going right into Mando 3 after that. I can’t be locked away from my work and family for an undisclosed amount of time, that would be inhumane of Disney!” 

Though some have criticized the practice as inhumane, some high profile Disney stars have come to the defense of the practice. 

“I know it sounds rough, but they really have a nice set up in there,” said Rick Moranis, who was recently released from the Disney vault after several decades of contracted captivity. “I was in there drinking sodas and watching movies six months before they came out. It’s actually pretty shitty out here, and if we’re being honest I would love to get back in that vault for a while.”

As of press time, Disney reportedly managed to convince Favreau to enter the vault voluntarily, claiming that it would be “just like he’s a Star Wars character” due to the fact that he is entering a sort of carbonite. He was allowed up to three toys to bring with him.

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