It’s Time to Admit That All TV Remotes Should Be Controllers

Posted on December 19, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

As our technology gets better and better, people become attached to the familiar. Old interfaces become the preferred, retro designs come back into play, and the obsolete retain their status far longer than they should. Well, it’s time the tech world give itself a cold, long look in the mirror and come to the obvious conclusion that we all know deep down in our hearts: it is time to replace all television remotes with controllers.

Gaming is no longer just a hobby or a joke for people to “cringe” at. Gaming is a billion dollar industry with trillions of people worldwide spending quadrillions of dollars on quintillion video game devices each year. As we push into the future of technology, you are just lying to yourself if you ignore the sound of the march of sextillion gamers pushing our culture forward.

And yet, the device that allows us to view our games and entertainment, the television, is controlled by a relic of a past most of us never even lived through. Why? We need to admit it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward. It’s time to heal.

Too many times we have heard the harrowing stories of gamers going home for the holidays, trying to watch some streaming TV on their parents’ devices, and being forced to deal with cumbersome, awkward remotes. Pushing awful and stiff arrow buttons to navigate around virtual keyboards that were clearly designed for control sticks. Our nation has the money and ability to solve this problem. We are capable of putting this behind us.

Together, we can eradicate the mistakes of those who came before us. It’s going to be difficult. Hell, it’s going to be downright frightening at times. But we need to be brave enough to join together and say enough is enough. We have a moral obligation, as a society, to replace TV remotes with controllers.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on December 19, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

It’s the holiday season, everyone! And you know what that means: more of the same, except it’s colder, and there’s more pressure to act like you’re having a good time. It’s that time of year where gamers engage in annual rituals such as crashing the Steam store, growing their game libraries by three times in a single day and roasting EA for all of their failures over the year. And because I’m feeling the holiday cheer, I thought I’d give you guys an early present of five great comments from this week!

Those Cyberpunk 2077 delays took everything from me. I can’t drive because of the yellow lines on the road, I froth at the mouth whenever I see bananas, and I kicked my TV screen in when an episode of The Simpsons came on. They may fix the game, but I don’t know if they’ll ever be able to fix me.

Here’s Hard Drive’s official guide to make Cyberpunk 2077 run well on modern hardware:

Step 1: Unionize CD Projekt Red’s development team. Mismanagement is one of the biggest bottlenecks for all video games, and crunch often results in underperformance.

Step 2: Allow the developers sufficient time to polish. While making them work faster may seem like it will make the game run faster, this is actually a myth.

Step 3: Include free RAM upgrades with every purchase of Cyberpunk 2077. It worked for Donkey Kong 64!

Much like how Warhammer is an excuse to explain away collecting toy figurines, Dungeons and Dragons as a game is a mere rationalization for collecting the same 7 geometric shapes over and over again. I know people who are so extreme in their dice spending that they nearly have enough to play pen and paper Shadowrun.

Joseph, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that your blood pressure is high enough for you to shoot blood as a projectile to defend yourself. That bad news is that you’ll probably only be able to pull it off once.

It’s important to remember that art is subjective, and that no one can truly be “right” about what a piece of writing means. Objectively, though, we know that no one has read the Dragon Ball manga, so I’m afraid that Odie Etsy is wrong.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Twitch Bans All Mentions of Virgin Mary and Incel Joseph

Posted on December 18, 2020 by Twitch Plays Hard Drive

SAN FRANCISCO — Just before Christmas, video streaming platform Twitch has banned users from making any mention of the Virgin Mary, the Incel Joseph or any of the Three Wise Simps.

“There’s a War on Christmas, and we just shot out our first blast,” said Twitch CEO Emmett Shear. “At the end of the day, we would love for our viewers to discuss these important religious figures as much as they would like. But it is ultimately impossible to have even the friendliest of conversations without using these derogatory ideas. Mary is a virgin, ugh, Joseph is an incel, boo, and the Three Wise Men are all awful simps, no thanks. It upsets me deeply.”

The news quickly went viral, garnering criticism from various religion-based streamers.

“I play Santa’s Big Adventure 3 every single day on Twitch. How the fuck am I supposed to play to my audience without mentioning that incel fuck Joseph?” said popular streamer JezusFreek94. “I’m a raging angry Christian streamer and I am being grabbed by the fucking balls here, Bezos.”

“I was just about to host my speedrun event of King of Kings: The Early Years, an actual NES game about, I guess, a prequel to Jesus,” said Twitch user kingofkingofkings. “I don’t think it’s possible to have this event without constantly talking about the Three Kings being just big ole simps for Mary. I mean they were just giving her gifts and shit, crossing a whole desert. And it’s like… first of all there’s three of you. Second of all, she’s dating GOD. Like actual GOD. How are you gonna sling better dick than the big G?”

At press time, an internal memo from within the Twitch offices leaked, revealing that the ban was actually a result of Bill Gates calling Twitch owner Jeff Bezos a “little virgin incel simp.”

J.J. Abrams-Directed Episode of Mandalorian Reveals Wait No His Name Actually Is Baby Yoda

Posted on December 18, 2020 by Collin Preciado

SAN FRANCISCO — The J.J. Abrams helmed season finale of The Mandaorian has revealed that the name of the adorable creature that viewers are fixated on isn’t Grogu at all, but actually Baby Yoda.

“I was so excited to bring my trademark blend of empty storytelling and dumb ass twists back to the Star Wars universe,” said Abrams. “Some have said revealing Baby Yoda’s name to be Baby Yoda was a slap in the face to how they literally gave him a different name a few episodes ago, but I think I have delivered what fans truly want — a nice snappy name for the character!”

Continuing with a trend that began with last year’s Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker, Lucasfilm walked back the initial Grogu reveal of a few weeks ago after mixed reactions and landed back on the fan favorite name of Baby Yoda as the true given moniker of the series’ breakout inanimate star.

“It was not an easy choice to make,” said Lucasfilm CEO Katheen Kennedy over a Zoom call with reporters. “But at Lucasfilm we owe it to the fans to always sacrifice artistic integrity for whatever makes us more money and just generally make bonehead decisions about the future of this giant messy franchise.”

Rian Johnson, director of Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi, spoke of his similar experiences after working on an installment of the franchise.

“They undid everything from my movie, they reneged on my three picture deal, and sent some guy dressed as Mickey Mouse to come to my house and spit in my face,” he said. “My phone rang at that very moment and the voice on the other end said ‘That never happened either,’ and then hung up. I make my pictures with Lionsgate now. ”

As of press time, mixed reactions to the Abrams directed episode has caused Disney to cancel the 10 upcoming Star Wars television series they’d recently announced.

Written by Collin Preciado and the Hard Drive staff.

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No, No, Game Developer Actually Loves Watching Speedrunner Exploit Hundreds of Bugs He Missed

Posted on December 17, 2020 by Just Lunning

SAN FRANCISCO — Despite the sweat dripping from his forehead while watching his video game be absolutely decimated live on Twitch, game developer Sean McKittrick assured the participants and viewers of speedrunning marathon Blazin’ Fast Games that he actually loves watching speedrunners point out hundreds of bugs that he missed.

“It’s really not a problem at all. I actually love how enthusiastic these people are about picking apart my hard work,” said McKittrick as the runner twirled his controller’s analog stick and pressed three buttons rendering the main character topless. “Haha, wow, that last trick he just pulled off was pretty unexpected!”

Sources say that McKittrick continued to provide strained laughter over the phone while runners completed his game’s 30-hour campaign in just over an hour. Sources say that despite his unbothered exterior, the feeling of embarrassment was palpable throughout the event.

“At first I thought it was cool to see that guy being a good sport, but eventually I just started to feel bad for him,” said one viewer of the stream who asked to remain anonymous. “You can tell they really blindsided him with just how many glitches they had discovered. You could really start to hear the pain in his voice near the end. At least it was over quickly, they could have dragged it out a lot longer.”

At press time, McKittrick was holding back tears after a bonus donation goal allowed the runners to show off an exploit in the game that could cause the console to catch fire.

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Dad’s Insurance Only Covers Mad Catz Pacemaker

Posted on December 17, 2020 by Naomi Krause

ARENA, Wis. — Local father Andrew Nikket has become the first ever recipient of a Mad Catz pacemaker this week, the best he could afford with his job’s health benefit plan.

“There’s no way this is a good thing, right?” asked Nikket’s daughter, Naomi, upon receiving word that her father would be using a third party device to help his heart beat at a normal rate. “I mean I knew his insurance wasn’t great, but the thing was all bulky and covered in stickers. Why would you want something that shitty pumping your blood?”

Nikket’s family has questioned his decision multiple times, but Andrew has insisted that his new peripheral is nothing to worry about.

“When I was a kid, I had to ride my off brand bike eight miles to school each morning with a helmet that said ‘SONAC THE HEDGEHEG” Nikket explained. “I don’t need any name brand coddling. All pacemakers have bits of plastic rattling around inside all day. That’s just how pacemakers work.”

While public perception of Mad Catz and their products has not been traditionally been positive, the company maintains that they only manufacture quality products.

“What, you want some pussy ass pacemaker that doesn’t have Turbo Mode?” said Brady Mckenzie, a spokesman for Mad Catz. “If you wanna be a little bitch that’s fine, but our customers are looking for next level products. Most hospitals won’t even set up pumping macros, we’ve got that shit built in.”

It remains to be seen whether or not Mad Catz artificial organs are safe or still work after a month, but for now Nikket has stated that he is fine with a pointless red light blinking randomly in his sternum five to seven hundred times a day.

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Development Hell: 12 Years After Trailer, Still No Word When IGN’s ‘Legend of Zelda’ Live Action Movie Will Release

Posted on December 16, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

SAN FRANCISCO — After years of mis-management and a revolving door of directors and producers, IGN’s much-anticipated live-action film adaptation of The Legend of Zelda is reportedly still stuck in development hell a full twelve years after its initial trailer was released on YouTube in 2008.

“Oh yeah, that’s still in the works,” snickering IGN representatives disclosed of the gaming journalism website’s first big-budget feature film. “It’s, hmm, in post-production, but we have to do re-shoots on the Ganon fight sequences again, and, hah, we’ve re-cast Saria, so all her scenes are taking a while… But don’t worry, we promise we’ll have updates soon!”

Promised updates from IGN have been virtually non-existent in the years since the trailer. Some disaffected fans have even started to believe the film has been scrapped completely, and that IGN is instead participating in a massive campaign to deceive its readership and defraud investors.

“The minute I saw IGN’s announcement, I tried to pre-order tickets, but couldn’t find any. I assume they were sold out,” said Remmy Davies, 29, who was still in high school when the first trailer dropped. “Now I have children of my own I can look forward to bringing with me once tickets are back on sale, which I’ve heard rumored could be months away!”

For now, all we can do is continue to wait, although there are some rumors that IGN and Nintendo are unofficially targeting a release date for April Fool’s Day 2021.

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Donald Trump Retracts Lawsuit Barring Pokémon Company From Using Likeness in Muk Cards

Posted on December 16, 2020 by Zoe Grobman

WASHINGTON — Following a string of other legal concessions in the waning days of his term, President Donald Trump announced this morning that he would be withdrawing a decades-old lawsuit against the Pokémon Company which had previously prohibited them from printing cards featuring the toxic sludge Pokémon, Muk, due to its blatant similarity to his likeness.

“A long time ago this Pokeman [sic] Company made a HUGE mistake trying to steal my image for their Mook [sic] card,” Trump tweeted. “I rightfully stopped that 20 years ago, but as a gift to all of my Pokeman [sic] loving supporters, I have decided to allow what everyone agrees is the best Pokeman [sic] to be printed again. Enjoy the Mook [sic] cards, everyone! Big wins!”

However, when reached for comment, Pokémon Company President Tsunekazu Ishihara reported that no such lawsuit had ever been filed and that they had actually never been prevented from producing cards featuring the character Muk.

“As everyone is well aware, the Pokémon Muk is based on Henry Kissinger, not Mr. Trump,” said Mr. Ishihara, pointing to an elaborate cork board-and-yarn diagram outlining every Pokémon based on a person from popular culture. “See, there’s Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Uri Geller…many of these references were done out of admiration, and then some were done out of contempt. Mr. Trump is actually the basis for Garbodor, the trash bag Pokémon.”

The explanation by the Pokémon Company has not swayed the minds of Donald Trump’s most ardent supporters in the Q-Anon community, who quickly jumped to link this announcement to the rest of their sprawling worldview.

“God Emperor Trump has done it again with this false swipe at the elite Democratic Conspiracy,” noted 8chan user MoleChild1488 wrote. “Everyone knows that Pokémon is a ploy by Bill Gates to lure 10-year-olds to travel alone so that he can kidnap them and harvest them for adrenochrome, and this move will be super-effective in luring him out of hiding so that he can be caught and left in a box where he belongs. Gotta catch ‘em all! By which I mean the deep state pedophiles, of course.”

At press time, Trump had reportedly also granted forgiveness to Bandai and Toei Animation for stealing his likeness for the talking yellow turd Digimon called Sukamon.

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CD Projekt Red Hires Elon Musk to Oversee All Future Failed Launches

Posted on December 15, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — Following the tumultuous release of their long anticipated RPG CyberPunk 2077, CD Projekt Red has appointed entrepreneur and SpaceX Founder and CEO Elon Musk to oversee all of their disastrous launches for the immediate future.

“Not only is Elon a passionate gamer with a history of managing large, highly anticipated projects,” said Marcin Iwiński, co-founder and CEO of CD Projekt Red. “But his absolute commitment to carrying himself confidently after taking a massive public embarrassment is the exact sort of project coordination we could use around here, like, right away, ideally.”

Musk, who’s unmanned rocket code named SN8 crashed and burned upon landing during a test flight last week, has verified that he feels he is the perfect candidate to manage future science fiction inspired projects that are destined to underdeliver on expectations.

“The CDPR guys get a lot of things right, there’s no doubt about it,” said Musk, after news broke that he’d been hired for a front facing role in the Polish company. “But, one mistake they just made is apologize and admit defeat, like when they admitted that they shipped CyberPunk out at an unacceptable level. You gotta spin that for your people. My recent test flight made it all the way up in the air before it came down and exploded. The old ones were disintegrating right away. That sounds like a win to me!”

Gamers and tech fans alike have met the news with mixed reactions, although most seem to agree on Musk’s aptitude for the role.

“Oh yeah, that makes sense,” said Lacey Gordon, who’d been in attendance for another of Musk’s defining gaffes last year. “I was at the Tesla Design Studio presentation when he chucked that fucking ball through the supposedly unbreakable window on the Cyber Truck. Not only did he not get laughed off of the stage, he finished the presentation in front of the broken window! Seems like the kind of guy that could brag about review scores while also having to apologize for the state of the game.”

As of press time, following Musk’s first day as a CD Projekt Red employee, the company’s Warsaw office inexplicably exploded.

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Elon Musk Announces He’s Raising His Son Without Pronouns or Friends

Posted on December 15, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Tesla, Inc. CEO Elon Musk announced today that he will be raising his son X Æ A-Xii without pronouns or friends in order to “own libs” online.

“People online get mad heated whenever I post memes about pronouns, it’s super cringe 100,” said the 49-year-old billionaire. “That’s why I’m going to epically own them all by raising X Æ A-Xii entirely without any pronouns at all! Whenever I want to refer to X Æ A-Xii, I’ll just say X Æ A-Xii in full. The cringe Twitter nerds are gonna flip and it’s gonna be hilarious! And they’re like ‘oh but then X Æ A-Xii won’t have any friends because X Æ A-Xii’s dad will be insufferable to be around.’ Yeah well that’s just a double own because all friends do is hold you back from being an entrepreneur. I’ve never had them my whole life and look how I turned out.”

Despite having a massive online following, the response to Musk’s announcement has been mixed.

“Oh my GOD, Elon Musk is the absolute meme lord!!!!” said one Twitter user. “I wish Elon was MY dad because my parents fricking SUCK”

“the amount of time you have made the most bottom of the barrel jokes about using someone’s pronouns, you could have just said they/them a thousand times,” said another Twitter user.

“Elon please answer your phone,” said a third Twitter user. “This is John from the Tesla Board of Directors. Every time you post something, our stock shoots down. We cannot get a hold of you!!!”

At press time, Musk could not be reached to comment because he was busy responding to every picture of him with Ghislaine Maxwell to call the poster a pedophile.

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