The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on December 26, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Hard Drive’s social media scroll
Not a commenter was making Christmas jokes, not even ones that they stole
But these great comments were selected by me, with care
And I hope that they bring you mirth as you read them from there

What happened to this man, to be murdered in his own home over a PS5 box, is sickening and wrong. People who give gag gifts should be executed judicially, not by vigilantes. If we let this slip, we may as well merge Christmas with The Purge for efficiency’s sake. Actually…

First off: this did not happen to you, you did it.

And secondly, I am noticing you are not calling anyone a “friend” here, which makes me concerned that you were grabbing strangers from the darkness just to win at laser tag. At least that tells me Hard Drive fans are not fake gamers.

While you may pay the price of being called “Hard” by baristas, know that you are giving every teenager in that Starbucks a gift they will never forget. This Christmas, you should shout “I swear I’m not” to bring them some holiday cheer.

That’s clever design on Assassin’s Creed part to make quick time events more challenging by disorienting gamers with breasts. It even added replayability when he wanted to see them properly.

That Christmas present under your arm better have some fucking milk in it, dad, I’ve been eating my cereal dry for 15 years.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! If I could, I’d help every one of your grandmothers find the game you asked for. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone, and a Happy New Year! You’re all wonderful, even if you are gamers.

Kid Who Asked for Console Gets Lump of Coal With “Get a PC” Written on It

Posted on December 25, 2020 by Andy Holt

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local gamer Madison Sutton, 12, hoped to find a PS5 video game console under the Christmas tree this morning, but instead received a lump of coal in her stocking with “Get a PC” written on it.

“Most of my games are okay on the PS4, but I saw the new graphics for Miles Morales and it made me really want the PS5. Guess that’s not happening,” said Sutton, who also asked for a ring light and Razor scooter. “Oh well, I can still play it on the PS4 and have a good time.”

When reached for comment, noted PC user Kris Kringle defended his decision.

“That kid is dumb as shit. Even a mid-tier PC is going to get you better performance than one of those shitty boxes, and that’s before you even factor in the ability to mod,” said Kringle, citing the benchmark numbers on his custom rig. “Everybody who buys a console is contributing to the deterioration of video games. That puts them on the naughty list for sure.”

Kringle dismissed claims that consoles were a simpler solution for gamers who prefer them, and that their mix of value and performance was plenty for most people.

“I don’t have time to tell you why you’re wrong, so here,” Kringle said, supplying a link to a PC-building subreddit where he was a frequent poster. “Read the sticky and don’t ask any stupid questions. Also, remember: the rules on the sidebar are not suggestions.”

Kringle confirmed that gamers who ordered pre-built PCs would remain on the nice list for now, but that they were “on thin fucking ice.”

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Police Search for Body of Dad Who Put Socks in Empty PS5 Box as Gag Christmas Present

Posted on December 24, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

WHEATON, Ill. — Local and state authorities are in a desperate search for a local father who jokingly put socks in an empty PlayStation 5 box and gave it to his son as a gag Christmas present, sources close to the family confirm.

“At around approximately 7 a.m. on Christmas morning one Nicholas Ford abruptly vanished from his home and has not been heard from since,” Chief of Police Sabrina Henderson said in a press conference. “According to witnesses, Ford’s teenage son Clay opened the gag gift and became overwhelmed with joy before discovering the true contents of the gift. Clay asked to speak with his father in the kitchen and Nicholas seems to have vanished. We are hopeful but this is more of a recovery mission than a rescue.”

The family was worried about Ford’s disappearance but seemed to understand why it happened.

“Christopher got the box from one of his co-workers and thought it would be hysterical to play a little trick on Clay,” Ford’s wife Cathy said while sweeping up the ashes of the box after her son reportedly lit it on fire. “I warned him not to do it, so really whatever may have happened to him was his own fault. I just hope he made the smart decision to change his name and skip town. Clay was just getting over when his father gave him a GameStop gift card with a zero balance for his birthday and Clay punched his father in the throat.”

Experts seem to agree that gag gifts at Christmas are not always the wisest decision.

“Every year there are a handful of injuries as a result of a parent messing with their children at Christmas,” retail expert Dora Gardner explained. “Keys to a car that doesn’t exist, a book in a laptop case, batteries to nothing. Small gifts in oversized boxes, misleading wrapping paper, or pun gifts; these are all bad ideas and we recommend against it unless you want to wake up naked in the desert.”

As of press time, authorities have considered charging Nicholas Ford with a hate crime for his action, if and when he is found alive.

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Door to Entry-Level Job Barred From Other Side

Posted on December 23, 2020 by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Local graphic designer Max Norman attempted to access an entry-level job this week, only to find that it was barred from the other side, and therefore inaccessible.

“I loaded up the job site and saw this position listed right in front of me, pretty much begging me to apply. But then I clicked it, and it turned out it was impossible to get in there,” said Norman, who had taken several courses in Photoshop but lacked work experience. “I threw everything I had at the thing—resume, cover letter, lots of samples—but it wouldn’t budge.”

Eventually, Norman realized he would need to find another way to access the job.

“I think I probably have to go around,” he said, changing the search from ‘entry-level’ to ‘unpaid’ and taking a deep breath. “I can already tell this is gonna be a grind.”

Managers at the company defended their hiring practices, claiming it was the best way for applicants to improve themselves.

“We can’t just let a newbie into an entry-level job. We need to make them jump through some hoops first, maybe fail a few times, take some damage to their health, before we give them even the slightest amount of compensation for it,” said senior marketing analyst Ted Reese. “Then we give them a tiny reward, and they do it all again, hoping we’ll eventually give them more.”

At press time, Norman had been rejected from a few internships, and was considering shelling out some money to boost his stats in grad school.

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COVID Surge Pushes Local Medical Center Over Maximum Capacity of Six

Posted on December 22, 2020 by Andy Holt

KANTO — Recent surges of coronavirus have taxed local medical centers, pushing one facility to the edge of overflow by filling all six slots at once.

“It’s shocking because we built this facility to handle the worst of the worst. We calculated the maximum number of incapacitated patients this town could possibly produce, which is obviously six,” said Nurse Joy, a longtime medical professional in Lavender Town. “When that seventh patient came in, we could hardly believe our eyes. These are truly end times.”

Medical staff across the region reported similar issues with capacity, many claiming it was the worst they’d ever seen.

“Once, about twenty years back, a small child came in with six patients at the same time, all of them completely unconscious, many of them burned, others mangled beyond recognition. We were barely able to save them. I figured that would be the worst day of my career,” said Nurse Joy from Cerulean City, looking over a waiting room with eight people in it. “Until today.”

Some patients have even traveled to nearby towns looking for treatment.

“When you have a family member who’s sick, you’d do anything to help them, even venture through a dark forest packed with killer insects and strangers trying to fight you,” said a resident of Viridian City, whose longtime companion was running a fever. “But hey, I did find a flute on the ground, so that’s cool, I guess.”

To slow the spread of the virus, residents have been asked to stay inside their houses, sitting in a chair or standing, or maybe pacing back and forth over and over.

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New Wall Street Journal Opinion Piece Calls Out Dr Disrespect for Not Being Medical Doctor

Posted on December 21, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Following a controversial opinion piece wherein columnist Joseph Epstein beseeched Jill Biden to drop the “doctor” title from her name due to a lack of proper medical credentials, the Wall Street Journal has now published an article bringing the qualifications of popular streamer Dr Disrespect into question.

“Mister Disrespect, Mister Beahm, Guy, dude,” began Epstein’s latest article, published today. “A bit of advice on what may seem like a small but important matter. Any chance you might drop the ‘Dr.’ before your name? ‘DrDisrespect,’ sounds and feels fraudulent, not to say a touch comic. Your schtick is, I believe, playing multiplayer games and a confrontational, braggadocious attitude that you broadcast to your fans with ridiculous catch phrases like ‘I’m on top of the mountain, and I’m only halfway up!’ A wise man once said that no one should call himself ‘Dr.’ unless he has delivered a child. Think about it, DrDisrespect, and forthwith drop the ‘doc.’”

Joe Biden, current American President-elect, quickly rose to the defense of the controversial streaming personality.

“The attack on DrDisrespect and his credentials are unfathomable,” said Biden, who will be sworn into office next month. “Dr Disrespect got to where he is today the old fashioned way, by talking tough and not backing down when people told him what he could or couldn’t say or which bathrooms he could or couldn’t broadcast out of. The Wall Street Journal ought to be ashamed of this ridiculous display towards my favorite streamer in the game.”

Dr Disrespect, who’s real name is Herschel Beahm IV, stated that this was merely the latest in a series of headaches his title has caused this year.

“This shit has got to stop,” he said, when informed of the Wall Street Journal piece. “Twitch shut me down for two months this summer all while they investigated the ‘irregularities’ with my purported medical background, and now this. If someone would have just asked me, I would’ve told the dumb asshole that it’s merely a screenname and probably not worth throwing a fit about.”

As of press time, the Wall Street Journal had published another opinion piece, this one imploring Dr. Pepper to change its name to “Mr. Soda Man.”

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Cyberpunk 2077 QA Team Horrified to Learn Game Has Already Released

Posted on December 21, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

WARSAW — After emerging from their offices for the first time in months following long hours crunching on Cyberpunk 2077, Quality Assurance team members of acclaimed Polish game developer CD Projekt Red were utterly horrified to learn that the game had already been released to the public nearly two weeks ago.

“They fucking did WHAT!?” exclaimed a QA tester who wished to remain anonymous. “There’s no way it’s ready for launch yet, my team and I still haven’t heard back on hundreds of potentially game-breaking bugs we’ve reported. The penises still clip through the pants! We can’t ship a game where the penises are clipping through the pants, right?! Nothing could possibly tarnish CDPR’s reputation more than that!”

According to those familiar with the situation, there were reportedly no signs at the CD Projekt Red office that anything had changed after the release of the game.

“I was honestly surprised I even had the energy to be surprised. I’m fucking exhausted, but it feels good to feel something, I guess,” the anonymous QA tester continued. “We had no idea the game had shipped because everyone just kept working like it hadn’t. It feels like the game is really coming out in February or something. Hell, if I hadn’t walked into that newspaper stand trying to order a coffee out of exhaustion, I wouldn’t even have found out the game had been released!”

At press time, the QA tester said he was hopefully going to get the greenlight from management to start work on the PlayStation 4 version of the game to see how it runs.

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PS4 With ‘Cyberpunk’ Downloaded Listed on eBay Just In Case Anyone’s Stupid Enough to Go for That

Posted on December 19, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

DALLAS — Local gamer Carter Evans has reportedly listed his PS4 console containing a digital download of the now-delisted Cyberpunk 2077 on eBay just in case anyone’s stupid enough to go for that, sources confirmed earlier today.

“Every time a game gets taken off of the PlayStation store, people go nuts trying to get a hold of it,” said Evans, taking pictures of the console running the now-unattainable digital download of CD Projekt Red’s game off of its 500 gigabyte hard drive. “It happened with P.T., and it happened with Scott Pilgrim. I never downloaded either of those so I missed my chance to make some money back then, but this time I got lucky, and right now there’s gold in the streets. At least, I assume. There’s gotta be some idiots out there who don’t know there are Blu-ray copies of Cyberpunk you can still play.”

Evans says that he isn’t in a rush to make a profit right away, considering the circumstances of the game’s removal from the PlayStation store.

“Sure, there’s a chance I might not find a buyer for this for a couple of months, especially because I’m selling it at a massive markup, but it’s not like CD Projekt Red is going to be able to get the game recertified anytime soon. I mean, have you seen the bugs on this thing? Yeesh. I feel really bad for whatever sucker decides to buy this from me.”

At press time, Evans was answering questions submitted on his eBay listing to assure potential buyers that the game’s bugs had not destroyed his console or made it catch fire.

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Long-Lost Father Coming to Fortnite

Posted on December 19, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CARY, N.C. — Epic Games has announced that the new DLC character coming to their hit battle royale video game Fortnite is Kevin Schumacher, the long-lost father of Chris Schumacher, who walked out on his family seventeen years ago.

“We’re so excited that Chris Schumacher’s long-lost father, Kevin, who claimed he was going out for some smokes in 2003 and never returned due to the pressure of work and sudden family life, will be fighting for the victory royales alongside Master Chief, the Mandalorian, and the whole Marvel cast!” explained Fortnite design lead Eric Williamson. “When Masahiro Sakurai said that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate would have ‘everyone’ in it, we took that as a personal threat! So we made sure to gather each and every major pop culture character to put into our game, and now we’re reaching right into the very lives of our actual players. Get ready to play as Kevin this week for just 900 v-bucks!”

According to those close to the situation, Chris Schumacher has reportedly been catching up on time with his dad, playing Fortnite with his virtual avatar all across the chapter 2 season 5 map.

“As an avid Fortnite player, it was definitely weird to see my actual real-life father show up in the game as a playable skin, especially because they aged him up so he looks how he would if he were around in 2020. I guess that’s what my dad would look like if he was back in my life… and shooting Wolverine with a pump shotgun,” said Schumacher. “You get my dad for free as part of the battle pass and I’ve already leveled him to the point where I get the cigarettes he went out for in 2003 as a back bling. I guess in a way it made me feel better to see him actually pick up those smokes… just not enough to make up for the emotional trauma of him leaving in the first place.”

At press time, Chris Schumacher had gotten emotional after winning a solo round of Fortnite playing as his father, hitting the emote that makes him turn to the camera and say, “good job, son” and then the emote to make him floss.

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If You Think All TV Remotes Should Be Controllers, You’re a Fucking Idiot

Posted on December 19, 2020 by Andy Holt

There’s an article going around today, making the ridiculous argument that all TV remotes should actually be gaming controllers. I haven’t read the article—I don’t want to validate these kinds of ideas—but it should go without saying that this is wildly off base. If you think all TV remotes should be controllers, you are an absolute fucking idiot.

Remotes and controllers are two different things. Arguing otherwise is harmful to television watchers, and more importantly, it threatens the very existence of gaming. Let me explain.

Remotes are designed to send short messages to the television. They’re for navigating menus, pausing, skipping ahead, that kind of thing. Most of the time, you’re just pushing a few buttons. Once you get to the thing you want to watch, the remote goes away—onto the coffee table, or (probably) between the couch cushions. Television and film are passive mediums. The remote is a crude tool for a crude task, designed to get the job done and get out of the way.

Controllers are designed to forge a fluid connection between Gamer and game. They pick up on every twitch, every click, every little change in pressure, continuously, until the device disappears and the player becomes one with the game. Gaming is an active medium. The controller is a highly sensitive instrument, designed to complete an extremely complex task, perhaps the most holy task an object can perform: playing video games.

You wouldn’t use a rake to dig a hole. Why is this case any different? The qualities that make a TV remote feel “clunky”—rubber buttons, slim shape, lightweight—are the very things that make it good at its job. They’re why the remote can slide between the couch cushions without pausing The Sopranos. They’re why you can bump it when you reach for your drink, and you won’t accidentally exit to the main menu, just when the movie was getting good. Try doing the same with a controller, which is purpose built to pick up every single movement. It’s simply the wrong tool.

More than that, this is a matter of honor. To equate the remote with the controller is to slap the gamer in the face. Gamers are active. Gamers win. Gamers get owned. Gamers argue with the squad about who fucked up, rage quit, log on and do it all again. Our controller is our weapon. It’s razor sharp. Dodge, parry, strafe, attack. It has no place in the tepid world of streaming apps, where simple remotes spit out dull commands. Up, down, select, cancel.

If every TV remote becomes a controller, the consequences will be dire. Manufacturers will inevitably make controllers work better as remotes, which is the very opposite of making them better controllers. They will dull our weapon, so the novices don’t hurt themselves. In the process, Gamers will lose track of what makes us special.

Gamers and non-Gamers are two different things. More is at stake than just a couple pieces of hardware — this is a battle for our souls. Which side are you on?

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