The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on February 23, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

While it seems like many people were underwhelmed by the most recent Nintendo Direct, I would like to personally thank Nintendo for finally giving me the Mario Golf that I’ve been craving for years. I have no interest in 9 irons, but if you put one into Wario’s hands, you have my attention (and 60 dollars). Honestly, you could have the Mario cast doing anything, and I’d buy it. Mario Deck Building? I’ll preorder it. Mario Tax Filing? I’ll speedrun that shit, and have Peach filing by February 12th. But until I can tee off with Yoshi on that beautiful green, I’ll be reading your comments to keep myself entertained…

It’s embarrassing to admit, but this actually happened to me. I only realized when literally everyone moved out of my town, and one of the actors sent me a text asking when they’d get their last paycheck. I should’ve expected this all would happen when I agreed to give away my branding rights while signing up for Disney+. You really gotta read those terms and conditions!

The true fantasy story is a Dungeon Master actually writing the book they’ve been talking about for years. You keep saying it’s “Game of Thrones” meets “Discworld,” but it seems like that meeting keeps getting pushed back.

Listen, we know everyone jokes around about it, but we didn’t actually write this article about you, Richard. Hard Drive would like to officially apologize to Richard’s players for giving him ideas.

Well, you know what they say: men will literally buy loaded sanity dice instead of going to therapy. The temporary buff from buying a new game may seem nice, but you’re going to have to address those base stats eventually.

That’s a great point. Bill Burr will probably be the next actor to be fired from the series, of course, for being Irish.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember: if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

NASA Sends Probe to Jupiter to Get More Stupider

Posted on February 23, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Following the successful landing of the rover Perseverance onto the surface of Mars, NASA has launched a probe called Insistence that will land on Jupiter in order to get more stupider, sources confirm.

“Our top engineers and scientists have explored the halls of college in order to receive knowledge, but we need to go further. That’s why we’re sending Insistence to the surface of Jupiter. It’s not just about NASA or the United States. It’s about getting more stupider for the entire human race,” explained Acting Administrator of NASA, Steve Jurczyk. “Things have been pretty stupid the last few years, I’m sure we can all agree — but we can push further into the unknown. There’s just no bounds to how much stupider our society can get. What was once considered an impossible level of stupidity is now just a few years away. We can get there. Hell, we will.”

In a video uploaded to NASA’s social media pages this morning, engineer Robert Barker explained how Insistence’s mission will function.

“As soon as Insistence lands on the surface of Jupiter, it will immediately start collecting stupid particles to bring back to Earth,” said Barker. “Obviously, we don’t know for sure that we can get more stupider by going to Jupiter. It’s going to take years of exploration, as well as studying samples back here at the NASA base in Florida. But we’re fairly confident that there are signs of stupid on Jupiter, or at least signs of the materials needed to create stupid. In a few decades, we could be sending manned missions to get more stupider in person.”

According to social media reactions, Americans were mostly supportive of the announcement.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. I remember hearing that phrase ‘girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider,’ as a kid, but it’s not actually TRUE,” said Facebook user Maria Stone. “Everyone in their right mind knows that Jupiter isn’t a real place! NASA is a front for a Satanic cult!!! Open your minds, people!!!”

At press time, NASA confirmed that they had received all of the stupider they needed when Insistence exploded minutes after leaving Earth’s atmosphere.

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Fast & Furious Franchise Announces Partnership With Olive Garden

Posted on February 22, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Restaurant chain Olive Garden has teamed up with the Fast & Furious franchise to promote the importance of “family” as a concept.

“When yew here, ya family,” Vin Diesel says in one of the several promotional videos, walking into frame holding a bottle of Corona beer in one hand and a bunch of loose fettuccine alfredo in the other. “There’s nothin more important than sittin ‘round the table and breakin bread with your crew, your family. That’s why me and my drivurs always come to Olive Garden after we save the world… because when yew’re family? Yaw’re family. And that’s what a family does. They be one.”

The series of advertisements was a colossal hit with fans of the restaurant chain and film franchise.

“What’s interesting about the Olive Garden Fast & Furious ads is that they don’t seem to actually advertise either the restaurant or the movies. I think that’s perfect,” explained Twitter user @TokyoGrift. “It’s just like they say: ‘when you’re family, you’re family. And when you’re at Olive Garden you’re family. And also when you’re in a crew, you’re family.’ That’s a direct quote from the video that I agree with.”

“As someone who thinks that the Fast 9 trailer should win Best Short Film at the 2020 Oscars, I’m more than willing to watch the Fast cast just kinda mill about in an Olive Garden,” said @2Frank2Furious. “I want to know what these guys are up to in their spare time. I want a Truman Show style television show about the life of Dominic Torreto and his friends. The message of these films is so important to me, because I’ve never had a family of my own. Dom, Brian, Letty, Roman, etc… they’re my chosen family. I was brought to tears seeing Han, safe and alive, wolf down a bowl of shrimp scampi.”

“My favorite part of the Olive Garden videos was seeing the mean restaurant manager who wouldn’t let Dom bring in his own burgers that he cooked at home,” said @FastAndFuriousPresentsChris. “I’m pretty sure he was supposed to be a cousin of the Shaws or something. And if I know anything about the Fast & Furious franchise, he’ll end up being in the crew by the 10th movie.”

At press time, due to disagreements with the cast, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson announced he was working on a series of videos himself, titled Olive Garden Presents: Hobbes and Bread Stick.

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Vlogger Parents Looking Forward to Streaming Child Unboxing

Posted on February 21, 2021 by Kevin Grant

LOS ANGELES — Kayleigh Jones, 23, better known by her YouTube alias M0therKnowsBest, has publicly announced her decision to livestream the unboxing of her first child.

“It was a difficult decision,” said Jones in an interview, “but I believe this is a fantastic opportunity for community-building among my subscribers. It’s not every day that I get my hands on such a dynamic product, so I want to use it to build engagement with my audience and demonstrate empathy for and with my viewers.”

Jones started with an ASMR channel in 2017 to mild success. Sick of eating celery seven days a week, she made the pivot to unboxing various tech products, toys, shoes, and soon, a human being. She saw rapid channel growth since the announcement eight months ago.

Her husband Dan Jones, 38, plans to man the camera during the stream.

“We’ve got a top-of-the-line camera,” said her husband. “Like, we paid nearly three hundred dollars for this guy on eBay. I bought a boom mic, too, and we’re just gonna, y’know, get this bad boy up in there. Delilah’s planning to get a tattoo right across her thighs with her OnlyFans on it, and we want to make sure to get that in 4k.”

Kayleigh rejected claims that her actions were “exploitative” and “cynical.”

“I’m a proud soon-to-be parent,” Jones said in her defense. “This is the most important moment of my life. It’s all I’ve ever dreamt of. I’ve been waiting for years for a moment like this—the highlight reel alone is absolutely going to get us that gold play button.”

When asked about their plans for their future child, Kayleigh said she was hoping to break into the Trending tab by the baby’s first birthday.

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Sony Advises Gamers Against Cracking Apart PS5 Like Delicious Pistachio

Posted on February 20, 2021 by Steven Porfiri

TOKYO — In an effort to prevent damage to their products, the game publisher and console manufacturer Sony urged customers not to pull apart the new PlayStation 5 as if it were a delicious pistachio in an urgent video posted to their social media channels this morning.

“Please understand that it may have indeed been a design flaw to make the outer shell of the new PlayStation 5 appear similar to a pistachio,” said Sony mechanical engineer Akira Oda, noting that the console is unfortunately completely inedible despite its appetizing nut-like appearance. “But alas, you will not find the delicious, salted center of a pistachio nut within. Instead you’ll only discover our Ultra-HD Blu-Ray drive unit, as well as a double-sided air intake fan, and the fact that your warranty has been voided.”

The video specifies that, should players have a need to get into the casing of their PS5 for maintenance, the proper way to do so is by lifting the panel from the back corner of the console, a technique which Oda also clarifies would be ineffective at opening an actual pistachio.

“We at Sony know that enjoying games is hungry work, so we recommend that instead of trying to pry open and consume your new PS5, that you prepare to have a preferred snack on hand during play,” continues Oda in the video. ”We recommend something rich in protein as well as unsaturated fats, such as the humble pistachio itself – as long as you can tell the difference, of course.”

Throughout the remainder of the video, Oda can be seen putting on a pair of white latex gloves before narrating a thorough hands-on teardown of dozens of pistachios while eating them one by one.

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Mars Rover Immediately Fills All Inventory Slots With Ferrite Dust

Posted on February 19, 2021 by Andy Holt

PASADENA, Calif. — Mars rover Perseverance has already been filled to the brim with ferrite dust, engineers announced this morning.

“We kinda just aimed the thing in a random direction and started going to town. Was it a bit hasty? Sure,” said Dr. Mort Jacobson, a physicist at the Jet Propulsion Lab. “To be fair, the interface is confusing.”

While the ferrite dust has not proven useful, engineers were quick to defend themselves and the rover.

“You hear all this hype about Mars. You hear about how it’s getting better, and how there’s cool new stuff, like evidence of saltwater oceans,” said Jacobson. “Can you blame us for getting a little overexcited?”

Mission officials were cautious about next steps.

“It’s not clear how much we should drop. This ferrite crap is all over the place, so it’s probably important. What if we need a boatload of it later on, and we dropped most of ours?” said mission director Gina Helms. “We’d look like real jackasses then.”

At press time, the engineers were trying to figure out if they could stack the ferrite dust or something.

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Director of Upcoming Game ‘Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head’ Insists It Won’t Be Political in Nature

Posted on February 19, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — The director of an upcoming first person shooter set in Dallas during the 1960s, Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head, has insisted that the game contains no political overtones whatsoever.

“We’re very excited to bring Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head to PC and consoles this November,” said Daniel Penn, creative director at Pecunia Games. “However, we’d just like to clarify that there is nothing at all political about this title, wherein you assassinate the 35th American president, reenacting a traumatic moment shared by the entire country. I mean really, if they can do Call of Duty: Cold War and Six Days in Fallujah, why can’t we make our game?”

The surprise video announcement of the game was met with mixed reception from gamers and critics alike. Some saw it as an outrageously tone deaf exploitation of one of American history’s darker moments, while others were able to separate the politics from the act of shooting the sitting president in the head and marvel at the game’s HD graphics and period accurate 1960s setting.

“I’m not really sure what everybody is mad about,” said Max Alton, a self proclaimed avid gamer. “People are saying this is political, but it’s a first person shooter, you can’t even tell if you’re supposed to be a girl or not. This just looks to me like a historically accurate game that doesn’t interject bullshit SJW talking points. Plus, did you see that footage of the grassy knoll on a Series X? Get the fuck out of here.”

Some in the games media have spoken about the precedent set by previous games inspired by true events, claiming that Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head is receiving disproportionate criticism .

“Look, a lot of art is inspired by real events, games are no different” said Dalton Biel, a gaming journalist. “There’s bound to be some historic stuff in there, whether you’re searching for The Black Dahlia in L.A. Noire, participating in the Boston Tea Party in Assassin’s Creed III, or shooting JFK in the fucking head. That doesn’t make it political by definition. If this game does have a critical flaw, I’m afraid it’s the criminally short run time.”

As of press time, Pecunia Games found themselves in hot water after fans discovered that the Stab Lee Harvey Oswald in the Fucking Abdomen Repeatedly DLC would cost $10.

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Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4

Posted on February 18, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — NASA’s Perseverance rover has landed on Mars and reportedly discovered no new information about Nintendo’s upcoming video game, Metroid Prime 4.

“Oh man, what a disappointment,” said Bryce Walter, who watched today’s landing hoping for some time of glimpse at the long awaited sequel. “I mean, I guess landing something on Mars is cool, but I was really hoping this was all somehow tied into a promotional campaign for Metroid Prime 4. It’s been years dude, what the fuck is going on there?”

NASA employees were reportedly confused about the mixed reception the landing got.

“I’m just not sure why these gamers would’ve expected something about Metroid Prime 4 today,” said Acting Administrator of NASA, Steve Jurczyk. “We’re just trying to explore the galaxy and learn more about the universe. We’re up there looking for signs of life and recording some sounds, not looking for news about a video game. Plus, they announced that they started over on that game in like 2019, and then Covid hit. Use your heads, people. I mean, it’s not even a localized Mother 3, so calm down.”

At press time, fans were further dismayed when NASA teed up a big announcement, only to discover that all they had found was some shitty water.

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Fans Rage After Learning Post Malone’s Pokémon Concert Won’t Contain All His Songs

Posted on February 17, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

REDMOND, Wash. — The Pokémon Company has stirred controversy after revealing the upcoming concert celebrating the franchise’s 25th Anniversary will not contain every song Post Malone has ever recorded.

“We’re extremely excited to have Post Malone join us in celebrating 25 years of Pokémon with this event,” said a statement from The Pokémon Company. “However his music catalog has grown significantly over the years and it’d be too hard to try and fit them all into this one 2 hour product. We hope our fans will understand. Hopefully, through various DLC add-ons, we can eventually get more of Post Malone’s songs into the Pokémon world in months to come.”

This announcement angered many longtime fans who were already slighted by what they feel is a lack of effort from the company.

“This is such a scam!!! Pokémon is the biggest media franchise in the world, so what gives?!” Twitter user @SergeantStellar said. “It’s ridiculous that Gamefreak thinks they can get away with anything less than all of his old songs re-recorded live, an album’s worth of new stuff, and the Battle Frontier returning!”

“They can claim this is for quality purposes all they like, but Post Malone looks like shit. If you zoom all the way in on his tattoos, they look like they belong in a PS2 game.” YouTuber ConfusedCrocanaw said in a video reacting to the announcement. “I hadn’t heard of Post Malone before all of this nonsense, but I’ve looked him up, and I’ll be boycotting the event if it doesn’t include Sugar Wraith, Ball For Me, or Sandshrew.”

When asked to comment on the issue, series producer Junichi Masuda said he was unfazed by the response.

“I get more death threats than actual dictators because I decided our developers seeing their kids was more important than making an HD model for Tynamo. Could you even tell me what that one is without looking it up? It’s some fucking eel we came up with in 10 minutes,” Masuda said. “Everyone ends up listening to the same six Post Malone songs anyway. It’s not like we’re cutting Sunflower or Circles.”

At press time, The Pokémon Company made an effort to appease longtime fans of the franchise by closing their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and pretending the complaints would just go away.

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