Report: PS3 Box Okay to Throw Out

Posted on March 5, 2021 by Danny Taverner

YOUR HOUSE — A new report commissioned by Sony states that the PS3 box you’ve been keeping in your closet since 2007, right next to that hoodie you no longer wear, is okay to throw out.

“The PS3 console, as well as the box it came in, was not intended to last more than three years before being traded in or thrown out,” stated Sony CEO, Kenichiro Yoshida. “Now we have more PS3 boxes on the streets than ever before. In the coming months we will begin rolling out our buyback program to ensure every PS3 box is destroyed. There’s no reason to hold onto the past like that. The fans need to move on.”

Gamers worldwide have preserved their PS3 boxes for a myriad of reasons including maintaining potential resale value, collecting user manuals and wires, propping open doors, squishing bugs, or having something to give your weird cousin when you forget his birthday.

“This box is a piece of history,” reported one gamer, Cedric Holmes, who refuses to throw away his PS3 box. “This box has been such a big part of my life for over a decade. It has been a constant reminder of better times. Times when you could play Tony Hawk’s Project 8 all night long and when my parents were still married.”

The current resale value of a working PS3 hovers around $100. With the original packaging, two controllers, and half a dozen games, that amount skyrockets to $110.

“The true value of a video game console lies not in the original packaging, but in the product’s working condition,” stated Regina Nash, an Antiques Roadshow appraiser, who specializes in electronics. “I can promise any gamer out there who might be hesitant about throwing away their PS3 box; in no way will the resale value be diminished.”

Nash, who is also a gamer, revealed that she too has kept her PS3 box in temperature-regulated storage all these years, “I didn’t spend $600 on this box to just throw it away 14 years later.”

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Photo via Michel Ngilen.

Man Who Spent 270 Hours Playing Xenoblade Series Relieved it Meant Something

Posted on March 4, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

WANTAGH, N.Y. — Local gamer Lawrence Olson has reportedly breathed a sigh of relief following the announcement that the next Super Smash Bros. Ultimate DLC characters will be Pyra and Mythra from Xenoblade Chronicles 2, meaning the 270 hours he spent on the series meant something.

“These past few years have been really stressful for me,” Olson said. “I know a lot of people aren’t too thrilled about these fighters, but I spent about 6 months grinding blade affinity charts instead of getting my master’s degree. I really needed a win.”

Those close to the situation have said that Olson’s friends used to ignore him anytime he mentioned the game, but are now starting to show interest due to the Smash Bros. DLC announcement.

“I asked him why they went with such weird-looking characters. Surely there must have been non-waifus they could have chosen from,” Jared Knoble said. “Then he spent an hour telling me how they’re actually suicidal computer AIs guilted over the genocide they indirectly caused and that they glow when using ether energy. I just kept nodding. Still not sure what ether energy is or why one of them wears booty shorts, but I guess it’s hot.”

The most exciting thing about the reveal, according to Olsen, is the potential it holds for the series’ future.

“I was exposed to Xenoblade when Shulk was added in Smash 4,” Olsen said. “The more Xenoblade characters are added, the more people will keep wandering into this awful British spiderweb Nintendo’s weaved. Eventually, everyone will convince themselves that the characters are wearing the appropriate number of belts. That’s when my expertise makes me a valuable asset to a friend group instead of just the annoying guy who everyone wants to shut up. Fingers crossed we get there soon.”

“I think a lot of Xenoblade fans — myself included — are worried that Nintendo will abandon the series as they have with so many of their other franchises.” Olsen added. “But now like me, they’ve invested too many hours into this series and soon they’ll just keep making entries because they’re too afraid to admit they don’t actually know the plot either.”

As of press time, Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai made a lengthy blog post to explicitly say that he will not be bailing out fans of the Bravely Default franchise.

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Man Receives Emails From Taco Bell

Posted on March 3, 2021 by Collin Preciado

OLMSTED FALLS, Ohio — Local man Eric Anderle has reportedly received hundreds of promotional emails from Mexican-inspired fast food chain Taco Bell over the course of several years, according to sources close to him.

“We don’t understand why a healthy, well-rounded guy like Eric would do this to himself, but apparently he receives all of these Taco Bell emails on purpose,” said Anderle’s father, Brian, with tears streaming from his eyes. “It’s just hard to believe you could watch your own flesh and blood grow from infancy to adulthood only to recklessly give all of his personal information away to a taco corporation.

“Look, we’ve all been tempted to eat at Taco Bell after a night of intense, purposeful drinking, but what would drive someone to subject himself to those bland, repetitive promotional emails on a daily basis? Does he really need up-to-the-minute updates about the promotions and menu items available at his local Taco Bell franchise? You see a lot of things in this world, but this… well, it really makes me question everything.”

Despite widespread concern from the people in his life, Anderle’s decision to subscribe to the emails has reportedly received widespread praise throughout the Taco Bell corporate offices.

“This guy is putting my daughters through college. I’m not sure where my family would be without him,” said Taco Bell CEO Mark King.

At press time, a marketing copywriter at Taco Bell had reportedly begun hard-coding Anderle’s name into all of the promo email templates since he’s the only one subscribed to them anyway.

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Cash-Strapped Dave & Buster’s to Auction Off Dave

Posted on March 2, 2021 by Jordan Breeding

DALLAS — Amidst growing uncertainty and financial stress due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the cash-strapped restaurant and video arcade establishment Dave & Buster’s announced their decision Wednesday to auction off Dave.

“Look, I love Dave, and believe me we are doing everything we can to make sure he ends up in a loving home,” said co-CEO Buster. “If you know anybody, we’re really looking for non-smokers who are willing to let him out at least three times a day. You know, somewhere nice. Not like a fucking Applebee’s. We can pay in cash or a ton of Buster’s tickets. The company’s just called Buster’s now.”

Despite full cooperation from the Dave & Buster’s board, one of the largest hindrances to the upcoming auction could be Dave himself. Investors worry he won’t willingly leave the only home he’s ever known.

“You can’t just get rid of me! Look at everything I’ve built,” explained co-CEO Dave. “Like, every morning, our chef let’s me eat whatever leftovers I want from the day before. How the hell am I supposed to live out there on my own? It’s just ridiculous. I’m the guy who invented Skee Ball, for Christ’s sake! OK I didn’t actually invent it, but it was my idea to put it into the arcades. Actually, now that I think of it, it was Buster’s idea. But it was my idea to also include the balls!”

According to those familiar with the situation, even if Buster manages to coax Dave into the large van he has parked outside with the promise of more ham, long-time customers worry it may dampen the appeal of the iconic company who once sponsored a Bowling For Soup national tour.

“Things have been really rough recently. My local DnB has been closed since March, and Bowling For Soup hasn’t had a new album since 2016!” said Dave & Buster’s patron and self-proclaimed Soup-Brain, Gary Sondenheim. “But even still, Dave and Buster’s is an institution. Seriously, name a more iconic duo than Dave & Buster. I mean, other than Chris Burney and Jaret Reddick — the guitarist and lead singer of Bowling For Soup, respectively.”

As of press time, Dave was flat on his back in a sunny spot over by the Injustice arcade machine, as two men with large butterfly nets snuck towards him hoping to take advantage of the distraction.

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Nintendo Celebrates Metroid’s 35th Anniversary With 30-Minute Moment of Silence

Posted on March 1, 2021 by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo acknowledged the 35th anniversary of its beloved Metroid franchise with a new Direct presentation that featured just 30 minutes of silence.

“Join us Monday at 7 a.m. PT/10 a.m. ET as we celebrate Metroid’s 35th birthday,” Nintendo tweeted before the showcase. “The Direct will feature no indication of how Metroid Prime 4’s development is coming along or hints as to whether or not the franchise is even considered active in 2021. Please enjoy.”

Despite the explicit warning from Nintendo, Metroid fans were still outraged by the live stream, which featured no new announcements or audio whatsoever. Thousands of fans live tweeted throughout the presentation, despite the fact that the video only featured a static black screen for a full half-hour.

“I know Nintendo said it wasn’t showing anything, but I still expected more,” posted angry Metroid fan Peter Tarrant. “I figured we’d at least see a full 3D remake of Super Metroid, a Metroid Prime 4 shadow drop that would be available as soon as the stream was over, or Mario Kart 9 at bare minimum. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.”

Despite showing nothing, the stream left fans of other Nintendo franchises hopeful that the company would finally acknowledge some of their favorite series. The Golden Sun community is cautiously optimistic that the series could at least get a Mii costume in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for its 20th birthday, while F-Zero fans hope that the game at least comes up in a board meeting once this year.

“Advance Wars?” Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa said when asked about the game’s 20th anniversary this year. “Never heard of it. Did you just make that one up?”

Nintendo, however, hyped up fans again when the company announced it would be hosting another much anticipated birthday Direct later this week. After hours of intense speculation, Nintendo unveiled its Mario 36th anniversary presentation featuring three hours of new game reveals, re-releases, and global celebrations.

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Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome

Posted on February 28, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

ROME — After reconstructing an ancient piece of pottery featuring various Roman gladiators categorized by their perceived strength, ability, and matchup spread, a team of archaeologists in Italy determined that they had unearthed the earliest example of a recorded tier list.

“It’s generally accepted that gladiator fights existed mostly to distract and placate the Roman citizens,” said lead archaeologist David Bradford. “Our discoveries this week suggest this distraction extended far beyond the coliseum, with some Romans wasting hours upon days debating whether such-and-such fighter was top 5 or just top 10. It’s incredible how much energy these ancient Romans wasted on these debates when they could have been working on improving their skills instead.”

Bradford’s team also discovered a series of broken tablets etched with the discussions and debates that lead to the creation of this tier list, which they have come to refer to as “the Smashed Boards.” Thanks to modern reconstruction techniques, many of these comments were able to be translated and preserved in a digital archive.

“There is no way Pollentius is A tier,” read one Smashed Board comment. “His spear’s range gives him the edge against heavy fighters, but he has a losing matchup against faster gladiators like Audacius, or Mordax the Swift. He’s B tier at best.”

“Markus is overpowered and uninteresting to watch, easily top 3,” read another translated comment. “Caesar should command his right hamstring be cut in the name of justice and fairness.” It appears Caesar may have agreed, as later depictions of the gladiator Markus portray him with a bandage on his right thigh, an accessory of the time commonly known as a “balance patch.”

At press time, Bradford’s team had just announced that they discovered yet another discussion tablet, this one suggesting the existence of a surprisingly large sub-community that insisted on following an older, outlawed version of the gladiatorial rules which only permitted melee combat.

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Dungeons & Dragons Film Stalled After Chris Pine Chooses Charisma as Dump Stat

Posted on February 27, 2021 by Neil Floyd

LOS ANGELES — Paramount’s troubled Dungeons & Dragons adaptation hit yet another roadblock today after lead Chris Pine chose Charisma as his dump stat during the character creation process, sources confirm.

“This is the most shift-fucked project I’ve ever worked on, and I produced that live action Dora the Explorer movie last year,” said a studio executive who requested to remain anonymous. “We cast Chris because of his roguish charm and quick wit, but the character he created yesterday has a negative Charisma modifier! His character won’t even be able to intimidate the captain of the Waterdeep City Watch in scene 13, let alone seduce the dragon in the midpoint set piece we’ve already spent 2,500 man hours building.”

“The production is losing literally hundreds of thousands of dollars a day because Chris wants to play a fucking tiefling barbarian with -2 Charisma, one of the most trash combos in Fifth Edition,” the executive added. “Tieflings even get a racial bonus to their Charisma score! What the hell is Chris doing?”

The anonymous executive went on to describe the mass resignations studio leadership is facing after Pine revealed his character is named “Lil’ Satan.”

“The beauty of D&D is player freedom,” said Pine in a virtual press conference. ‘What’s the point of making a D&D movie if I’m gonna be forced to roll another ruggedly handsome yet debonair Rogue with a swashbuckling sense of adventure? I’ve already played Steve fucking Trevor in two Wonder Woman movies, for Christ’s sakes. I thought you could become anyone you wanted in D&D! Well, I want to become a tiefling named after Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, who gave up social graces for a gnarly Constitution modifier. Yeah, my character will be boring to watch on screen, but he’ll have a very good probability of resisting poison. So, uh, there’s that.”

At press time, Pine was revising his character to be a Kenku Wizard who grew up next to a brothel and can only mimic sex noises.

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Mortal Kombat Fan Pissed Robocop Isn’t in the Movie

Posted on February 26, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

APACHE JUNCTION, Ariz. — A self proclaimed superfan of the Mortal Kombat video game series was reportedly livid after discovering that the upcoming film adaptation will not contain Robocop, a character introduced in 2019’s smash hit Mortal Kombat 11.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe they fucked it up this bad,” said Davey Cantrell, after viewing the trailer for the film that debuted online last week. “Don’t get me wrong, it is a lot of cool looking shit in it. The effects, the blood, the fatalities, it looks like the best Mortal Kombat movie by a mile. I just can’t believe they don’t have Robocop in there. He’s my favorite character from the games and now I don’t think I even care about this movie.”

The filmmakers defended their decision to exclude Robocop, a slain police officer that was brought back to life as a robotic law enforcement machine to participate in the Mortal Kombat tournament.

“Look, we tried to get as much in there for the fans as we could,” said Simon McQuoid, director of the upcoming film. “But there’s eleven games worth of story and characters there. If we’d put everything in that we wanted, I’m afraid the film would be a bit of a mess. So we had to make the tough calls: Friendships, The Pit, Robocop and The Terminator, all gone. Who knows, maybe in the sequel!”

Friends of the Cantrell’s questioned not only the validity of his complaints, but his credentials as a fan as well.

“Davey sent me this long text thread about how outrageous it was that they would leave one of the most iconic Mortal Kombat characters out of the movie,” said Keith Watt, Cantrell’s roomate. “And when I assumed he was talking about Johnny Cage he told me he was pretty sure I was thinking of a character from Killer Instinct. He’s so annoying. I should have never shown him Mortal Kombat last year.”

The film will premiere on HBO Max and theaters on April 16th. As of press time, Jared Leto was frantically lobbying to be included in the film as the Joker, or any sick and twisted character that had not yet been cast.

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‘I Hunger for More Movies’ Bellows Minotaur Living Beneath Netflix Headquarters

Posted on February 25, 2021 by Andy Holt

LOS GATOS, Calif. — The grotesque monster living under Netflix cried out in hunger this morning, desperate for more mid-budget features from the streaming platform.

“Is the minotaur ideal? Of course not. In a perfect world we would not have the minotaur. But we’ve tried to make it a fun office activity. I even put together this colorful feeding schedule,” said HR director Ronnie Ford, who slaughters a goat and drops it into the labyrinth every third Friday. “It’s the beast’s appetite for content we’re having a hard time keeping up with. The thing just loves movies.”

Netflix struggled in the early days, trying to sate the minotaur’s cravings while maintaining a base level of quality. Things only began to stabilize in the last few years, when the company figured out a way to keep up.

“One day we accidentally showed him Home Alone 3, the one where they recast everybody and replaced Chris Columbus with a cheap director. The monster absolutely loved it. That’s when we realized the movies didn’t have to be good,” said creative executive Kai Armstrong. “Ever since, we’ve used Home Alone 3 as a model: not great, not even okay, but technically a movie.”

Industry experts were hesitant to criticize Netflix for their output, stressing that every streaming service had strengths and weaknesses.

“HBO makes decent movies, but they have to contend with corporate overlords at AT&T, so they move slowly. Disney is doing great, but won’t people get tired of the MCU and Star Wars? And then you have Netflix, cursed with a ravenous beast that stalks the basement, plotting his escape to the surface, where he will devour every living soul in the building,” said investment banker Bart Norman. “So, you know. It’s pluses and minuses.”

At press time, Netflix executives had written “more comedy specials??? yes or no” on a piece of paper and were lowering it down into the labyrinth.

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Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine

Posted on February 24, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LAS VEGAS — Tragedy struck at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino today, as the squished and dismembered carcass of beloved cultural icon Sonic the Hedgehog was discovered in the inner workings of a slot machine.

“Oh my god, I told him not to crawl in there anymore,” said an associate of the hedgehog, a flying squirrel that wished to remain anonymous. “He kept scurrying up inside and I would be so afraid but fuck me if he didn’t hit once in a while. I knew it felt dangerous, but he kept telling me it was fine and asked what the worst was that could happen. I guess we know now.”

Casino employees were disturbed by the incident, but reported that it was not an isolated one.

“We knew this was going to happen eventually,” said Vinny Bowen, a pit boss at the infamous resort. “These rodents crawl up into these machines, and I don’t know what the hell they’re doing exactly, but they’re robbing us blind. This business has changed a lot. Used to be you get a rat or a hedgehog in the machine, worst case scenario it fritzes out and you have to replace it. Nowadays, you could lose your whole ass in a wrongful death suit.”

The news of Sonic’s untimely demise was met with mixed emotions by Doctor Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik, a long time professional rival of Sonic’s.

“He’s really dead?” asked the mad scientist who has long aimed to take over the world. “I mean, I guess that’s pretty exciting, but still, sort of depressing to find out that some Grey’s Anatomy themed slot machine managed to do what I couldn’t for decades. Ah well, now that that pesky hedgehog is out of my way I may finally take over the world!”

As of press time, Sega was scrambling to find a replacement for Sonic in next year’s Winter Olympics in Beijing.

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