VR Enthusiast Wishes the Real World Were More Up Close, a Little Blurry

Posted on February 16, 2021 by Andy Holt

DURHAM, N.C. — Virtual reality gamer Austin Yelts reportedly lost interest in his life after buying an Oculus headset, complaining that the real world was too far from his face and not blurry enough.

“My life just can’t compete. I mean, look how far away that dumb bullshit is,” said Yelts, frowning out his window at a fresh blanket of snow, glimmering in the sun like a blank piece of paper fallen from heaven. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? It’s all the way over there.”

Yelts also criticized the graphics of the real world, claiming most of the objects were way too detailed.

“Like this shirt. If you look really close, you can see the stain from where my girlfriend spilled her drink on my shoulder, ” said Yelts, holding a wrinkled shirt from Less Than Jake’s 2002 tour. “I’m looking at this stain, and now I have to think about how she dumped me. I have to think about how she was the one, and I let her slip away.”

Yelts sobbed briefly into the shirt before picking up his VR headset.

“With my Oculus, everything is nice and blurry. I don’t have to think about what she did to me,” said Yelts, booting up Beat Saber. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s the stuff.”

Yelts’s friends claimed the visuals weren’t the only thing he complained about.

“He holds everything between two fingers, and whenever he drops something he complains that ‘the interface is all fucked up.’ He has broken, like, ten coffee mugs,” said his roommate Jenn Ansel. “What the hell is a ‘recalibrate button’ and why does he keep asking if we have one?”

Yelts was last seen balancing a five-pound weight on his head while his Oculus charged, trying to make his neck hurt the way he’s used to.

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New ‘Assassin’s Creed’ to Be Set in Ancient Era When Donald Trump Was President

Posted on February 15, 2021 by Andy Holt

MONTREAL — Following the success of Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, Ubisoft hinted that their next game would delve further into history than ever before, taking place in the distant era when Donald Trump was President of the United States.

“It’s our favorite thing about making these games, getting to explore times completely different than our own. We’ve done Ancient Egypt, Greece, the age of pirates, the Renaissance,” said a spokesperson for the developer. “But our next game will ask our biggest question yet: what was life like when Donald Trump was President?”

Pulling from their diverse team of various beliefs, sexual orientations and gender identities, Ubisoft hoped to make their depiction as accurate as possible.

“Of course we can’t know with certainty what it was like under Trump. Things are so different now,” said the spokesperson. “It was an era when racism ran deep in the American consciousness, a small group of wealthy people thrived on the backs of the poor, and a deadly pandemic spread unchecked across the nation. We’ve done our best to imagine it.”

Scholars of the era hoped Ubisoft would be diligent in their research, taking time to highlight the forgotten details that made it stand out.

“The game is gonna have Trump. It’s gonna have Steve Bannon, maybe even Sarah Huckabee Sanders,” said Carl Henderson, 35, an expert who has reviewed thousands of hours of cable news from the period. “But what about the pee tape? What about Russiagate? Do we get to meet Chris Hayes?”

Ubisoft refused to disclose any further details, promising only that the game would also include lots of present-day scenes that are boring and way too long.

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Man Convinced He’s Living ‘The Truman Show’ Gonna Masturbate Anyway

Posted on February 14, 2021 by Jake Menez

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Recently divorced movie buff Darren Thorndike has not let his increasingly paranoid suspicion that his life is being secretly recorded and broadcast on television like the plot of The Truman Show stop him from masturbating like he would anyway.

“Darren had been pretty down since his wife left him,” next door neighbor Melissa Perkins explained. “My husband thought loaning him some Jim Carrey movies would cheer him up, but ever since he returned our copy of The Truman Show he’s been very theatrical, as if he thinks there’s cameras on him like in the movie. Honestly, I preferred his Yes Man phase. I guess it’s a good thing we don’t own Bruce Almighty.”

Others on the block confirm that Thorndike has been overheard announcing his thoughts out loud to nobody in particular as he goes about his daily routine. Attempts to sit down with Thorndike were declined under the pretense that “interview segments have been played out since Modern Family ended.”

Despite the feeling that his every waking move was being shown to viewers the world over, Thorndike was recently seen reading an issue of Playboy magazine that he’d crudely attempted to hide behind a Pottery Barn catalog, despite being alone in his house.

“So many choices for ottomans,” he loudly announced to the empty room as he opened the centerfold. He appeared to pause as if expecting a laugh after musing how relaxed the Ottoman Empire must have been before standing up and grabbing a tissue box from a nearby table.

“Oh man, these allergies are killing me,” Thorndike continued in a stage whisper as he made his way down the hall with the tissues and now-uncovered Playboy. “Maybe I should lay down under the covers in case I have a cold coming on or something. And my hands are so dry lately! Where’s that lotion?”

At press time, network executives for The Thorndike Chronicles were so impressed by ratings following the incident, they announced the late night companion program Darren After Dark in hopes of recapturing that moment’s virality.

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Hayao Miyazaki Hospitalized After Son Announces New 4D Smell-O-Vision Film

Posted on February 13, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — Legendary filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki has been hospitalized as a result of his son Gorō Miyazaki announcing that his next film will be created with CGI and require theaters with access to smell-o-vision technology.

“A film that forces its audience to smell is a dire act against the laws of humanity. As soon as Gorō told me about his new project, a feature film titled The Stinky Fish Girl, I became overwhelmed with dread,” explained Hayao Miyazaki from a hospital bed, who is expected to make a full recovery so long as his son does not announce any new details about his upcoming film. “To know that this film exists, feels like a knife through my stomach… but the fact that it is my own flesh and blood who dares to curse the name of animation by making people smell it… there are no words to accurately describe the pain I feel, and there certainly aren’t any smells.”

The matter became further complicated when many Studio Ghibli fans online confused Gorō Miyazaki for his father Hayao Miyazaki in their discussions of The Stinky Fish Girl.

“I’ve loved everything that Miyazaki has made so far; I’ve thought that they were all incredibly charming and sweet… but this new smelly film sounds really gross. I can’t believe Miyazaki is taking such a hard turn,” said 45-year-old Ohio mother Margaret Jenkins in a comment on Facebook that Hayao Miyazaki reportedly had his staff print out for him to read. “I guess I’ll watch it on an airplane one day or something.”

When reached for comment, Gorō Miyazaki explained that he just wanted to make movies that he wanted to see.

“It’s tough being the son of a great filmmaker and I definitely find myself trying to emulate him in my own films. That’s why I chose to work on The Stinky Fish Girl — which I think is a pretty clear homage to Ponyo,” Gorō Miyazaki said. “But it has also been really cool to advance the form that my father has pushed so far with his own career. It’s like taking the baton and running with animation to make it a little bit cooler. Where my father was able to innovate on setting and theme, I’m able to take what he did and introduce a little bit of awesome and heck-yea. I think ultimately, if he sticks around for the whole movie this time around, he’s gonna really dig it.”

At press time, animators at Studio Ghibli were reportedly terrified to tell Hayao Miyazaki that The Stinky Fish Girl is to be about the idea that “hard work is for suckers” out of fear that they may lose him.

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Mass Effect Devs Compromise With Angry Gamers by Giving Commander Shepard Gigantic, Juicy Balls

Posted on February 12, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

EDMONTON — BioWare has announced a compromise for Mass Effect fans upset about the removal of various butt shots in the Legendary Editions, giving Commander Shepard incredibly large and “juicy” testicles.

“We really felt like we dropped the ball on the whole butt thing and we knew that our fans were angry, but we didn’t want to just give in and make a game that we couldn’t stand by. That’s why we decided to give them the eye candy they wanted, without caving to their butt-based demands,” explained BioWare in a blog post. “We think that, while big bouncy balls often look and feel very butt-like, they represent a new frontier for gaming that few video games have explored. It’s the perfect compromise and we expect no one to be upset about it.”

Although fans have been supportive of the decision, there have been some road bumps in the development of the gigantic balls.

“As a result of the butts controversy taking place late in the development cycle for Mass Effects Legendary, we were unfortunately unable to make these big ole balls optional. They will appear on Commander Shepard no matter what players do to customize their characters, even across genders,” BioWare continued. “That being said, we have found that this has only made fans happier with the new direction. It seems that everyone is pleased with the large ballsack we have given Commander Shepard.”

At press time, BioWare quelled fears about potential crunch culture surrounding the enormous balls, explaining that every developer at the company is “desperate” to work on them and that the company will have to enact a lottery system to make sure everyone has an equal chance to develop the sack.

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Innovative Star Wars Actress Becomes Hated for Something Other Than Being a Woman

Posted on February 11, 2021 by Jimmy Beliakoff

LOS ANGELES — The Mandalorian’s Gina Carano has broken new ground for Star Wars by becoming the first actress in the franchise to be hated for something other than existing while being a woman.

“I was really inspired by the work of those who came before me: Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, Felicity Jones, Kelly Marie Tran, and so many, but actually just a handful, of others,” Carano explained on various podcasts for victims of cancel culture. “So many great actors in this franchise generated fan backlash just for being women and it just didn’t sit right with me. That’s why I decided to be hated for comparing conservative celebrities to Jews in the Holocaust.”

“It feels good to have the Star Wars fanbase hate me for something I actually did, as opposed to just my existence,” Carano continued. “It really feels like I’m taking a step forward for women everywhere, as well as a few simultaneous steps back for social issues in general.”

Despite receiving near universal disgust for her comments on trans people and the treatment of Jews, Carano has also gained some praise for her statements.

“The fact that Gina got fired proves exactly what she was saying in the first place,” said Twitter user @KillTheLeft666. “Conservatives in America are being rounded up, put into concentration camps, and systematically murdered. You know, through being told that their posts online are bad. The persecution of the Jews is almost literally the exact same thing as when all of your coworkers are uncomfortable around you constantly. And I would know, I post about the Jews constantly.”

As of press time. Disney+ had announced a lucrative spin off series for The Mandalorian characters portrayed by Ming-Na Wen, Katee Sackhoff, and Mercedes Varnado.

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Mobile Gamer Discovers 16-Digit Cheat Code

Posted on February 11, 2021 by John Dixon

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local mobile gamer Jeremy Jackson has drastically improved his performance in gacha game Legend of the Bravest Heroes by discovering a very powerful 16-digit cheat code.

“I can’t sit around on my phone all day and rack up experience points, so I kept falling behind all the other players. That’s when I stumbled on this menu screen I’d never seen before,” Jackson said. “Then all I had to do to get some of these sweet rainbow diamonds was punch in a 16-digit cheat code I found on a plastic card in my wallet. Just like Metal Gear Solid’s codec frequency hidden on the back of the jewel case! So innovative!”

One of Jackson’s friends and fellow mobile gamer Jess Greer recalled her reaction upon receiving a flurry of excited messages from Jackson regarding the code.

“I tried to explain to him the card was his credit card, which he’s always had, but he was just so excited that he wouldn’t listen,” Greer said. “I tried to point out to him that premium currency isn’t free and that he’s getting charged for literally every transaction he makes in that app, but he just kept saying that I was jealous of all of his LR characters. So I gave up.”

An executive from the app’s developer, CryoGames, attempted to dispel any notion that the game is at all pay-to-win, backing up Jackson’s assertions.

“Success in our game is not at all predicated on how much money our players spend, but rather on pure skill when it comes to pulling ten random characters with tall odds. The diamond system is there to help level the playing field between players with varying levels of blind luck,” said CryoGames chief financial officer Brad Stewart. “Any resemblance between diamond balances in our app and individual players’ credit card statements is purely coincidental.”

At press time, Jackson was heard praising the new augmented reality aspect to the game as he fought creditors who had come to repossess all of his worldly goods.

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Roguelike Genre Purist Hopes Someone Will Develop a Roguelike Someday

Posted on February 10, 2021 by Hunter R. Thompson

SPOKANE, Wash. — Gamer and self-proclaimed roguelike genre purist Noreen Ramirez, hot off the heels of her tenth no-hit run of the acclaimed roguelite Hades, has reportedly grown despondent over the fact that no roguelike games have actually been made yet.

“Listen, I don’t care what genre tags are on these games, but non-grid-based movement and a lack of a standard inventory system is clearly in violation of High-Value Factors IV and VII of the Berlin Interpretation,” Ramirez wrote, in the first tweet of a several-hundred tweet thread explaining the history of roguelike design principles. “As someone who truly cares about the future of this genre, I can only sit here, bide my time, and hope a true roguelike will eventually get made. Until then, I wallow.”

Ramirez went on to deride Spelunky 2’s lack of traditional RPG elements, SYNTHETIK’s inclusion of friendly units, and Enter the Gungeon’s multiple playable characters, after apparently having enough free time to play and 100% all three games in one afternoon.

“What’s all this extravagance, anyway?” Ramirez tweeted, along with a screenshot of the particle physics of the acclaimed game Noita. “When you use the term ‘roguelike’ I start expecting authentic ASCII art. But no one cares about true fans like me. There’s probably three or four hundred colors on screen right now, it’s obscene.”

In an inexplicable drive to satisfy fans like Ramirez, several roguelike developers have shifted the direction of their game design to account for the impossibly high bar of genre purity that no game in history has yet cleared.

“The shopkeeper’s interface was probably five months of work, but roguelikes apparently don’t have multiple modes of interacting, so that had to go,” said Kenta Yamada, the sole indie developer of the upcoming roguelike and/or roguelite Atomic Seat on Steam Early Access. “I had to cut the entire volunteer art team loose because they couldn’t hard-code an ASCII grid into Unreal 4. Oh, and she said the tribute to my childhood dog was against design principle, for reasons I still don’t really understand. B-but at least I’ll get the sale, right? And that means I’ll make the first true roguelike, right?”

At press time, Ramirez had published another hundred-tweet thread reasoning that a consistent story and the predictable pre-generated rooms in the second half technically make Rogue a roguelite.

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CD Projekt Red Pleads With Hackers for Three More Weeks to Meet Demands

Posted on February 9, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — Following a data breach that reportedly involved internal documents and sensitive personal information, game developers CD Projekt Red have released a public statement begging the hackers for a three week extension on their original 48-hour deadline.

“We know that earlier today we said we were ready to meet your demands,” said Marcin Iwiński, founder and CEO of CD Projekt Red, “but at this time we are imploring you to give us a three week extension on the demands you have imposed on us. We’re aware it might seem unrealistic when someone says that 21 days can make any difference in such a massive and complex blackmail scheme, but they really do. Also, can you please ignore when we hit you up six hours ago and said we’d be ready to roll?”

While many gamers claimed to not feel bad for the situation CD Projekt Red finds themselves in, with some even worried that their personal information might have been compromised by way of CDPR owning the GoG gaming retail platform, others found themselves sympathetic to the company’s dilemma.

“Oh man, that’s really rough,” said avid gamer William Mooney. “They just can’t catch a break this year, huh? I read that this hacker is threatening to put out some unreleased version of The Witcher 3. That’s fucked up, man. There’s really no telling how much damage an unfinished game getting out in the world could do to Projekt Red’s credibility. I hope they get the three weeks they need.”

As of press time, CD Projekt Red had dispatched Keanu Reeves to meet the hackers and try to woo them.

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Hades Player Horny for Every Character Might Just Be Horny

Posted on February 9, 2021November 18, 2025 by Giovanni Colantonio

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A new study released by researchers at St. Joseph’s College has revealed that Hades players who are horny for all of the indie game’s various Gods may just be “regular horny.”

“Is it just me or is everyone in Hades kinda hot?” said player Robin Celestino, one of hundreds of similarly affected players who participated in the groundbreaking study. “I don’t know, maybe it’s just the fact that I haven’t so much as hugged another human being in a full year, but I would definitely hook up with Zagreus. Or Ares. Or really anyone at this point.”

Celestino was part of a group of 500 Hades players that were studied by researchers as part of the groundbreaking study. Subjects were shown different photos of Hades characters and asked whether or not they experienced sexual feelings for them. The majority of participants answered “yes” to each character, including Dusa, Skelly and Sisyphus’ boulder.

“We actually slipped in some pictures of other characters as a variable,” said lead researcher Dr. Jermaine Holland. “Every three or four images we’d just drop a picture of Halo’s Cortana or the Doomguy and subjects wouldn’t even flinch before saying yes. It’s like they weren’t even registering any of the pictures we showed them. They were just there to confirm that they would like to have sex at all.”

Dr. Holland also noted that the participants had positive reactions whether the pictures being shown were official graphics or fanart portrayals. In some cases, fanart had an even stronger effect. Some participants in an experiment group were exclusively shown DeviantArt uploads of Resident Evil Village’s Lady Dimitrescu, which caused some to pass out immediately.

“I would fuck Sly Cooper,” said test subject Jules Meza, completely unprompted.

Despite being universally horny for just about every video game character shown to them, 100% of participants said they would not have sex with Lesuire Suit Larry. Test subjects agreed that the character was too desperate for sex, which they largely considered a real turn off.

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