Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Doomguy and Master Chief Embarrassed They Wore the Same Thing to the Office

Posted on March 28, 2021 by Giovanni Colantonio

REDMOND, Wash. — Following Microsoft’s acquisition of Bethesda, new co-workers Master Chief and Doomguy had an awkward first day at the office after realizing they both wore the same thing to work.

“Oh, ha ha, isn’t that funny?” Master Chief nervously said after bumping into Doomguy in the break room. “What a coincidence. I can’t believe we both decided to wear our green robot armor today. Great minds, right?”

The two shooter icons spent their entire first day as co-workers awkwardly trying to sit as far away from one another as possible during meetings. The duo was unable to hide the fashion faux-pas as colleagues kept stopping them throughout the day to take pictures of the two of them side-by-side in their matching armor attire.

“Um, really bold of Chief, if you ask me,” said a visibly annoyed Doomguy. “I know I’m technically the newbie in this office, but this has been my signature look since before Master Chief even knew how to handle a shotgun. I know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but could he at least have worn a different top?”

According to those familiar with the situation, tensions have risen between the co-workers.

“It feels like Doomguy is kind of self conscious or something. I think he’s trying to prove himself because he’s been practically running around the office all day,” said Marcus Fenix, a fellow employee. “Maybe slow it down a notch? We get that you’re faster than the Chief, but the whole sprinting thing is kind of a sore spot for him.”

“But on the other hand, I get it! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I’ve never been ripped off that hard,” Fenix added. “Hell, Chief’s even calling his new thing Halo Infinite. Sounds a bit similar to Doom Eternal if you ask me!”

At press time, Doomguy and Master Chief eventually agreed to coordinate their outfits to prevent further embarrassment. The two will now trade off wearing red and blue outfits every day to avoid any crossover.

Elon Musk Admits He Wants to Travel to Mars Because No One Hates Him There Yet

Posted on March 28, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

AUSTIN, Texas — Wiping tears from his eyes at a recent press conference, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk revealed that the reason he’s so keen on traveling to Mars is not for the potential benefits to science, but because it’s the one place he can think of where no one hates him yet.

“I thought that if I just kept making money, I could become epic… turns out I’m not as epic as I thought I was,” Musk explained at the press conference. “Ever since I was bullied as a kid just because my dad owned a South African emerald mine during apartheid, I knew I wanted to get revenge by being the richest, coolest guy in the world. That’s why I spend my time making cool jokes and being a stonk lord on the interwebs. But people still hate me! When I saw that hilonklious meme about that blue guy on Mars, it gave me the idea to go myself. I’m tired of Earth. These people. Time to yeet myself to freaking Mars!”

“Because it’s really tough to find a place where no one hates me,” Musk continued. “I tried building a little Fortress of Solitude for myself in Antarctica — like a little someone named Superman, ever heard of him? — but I quickly angered a group of penguins after I called one a pedophile because he stole a fish I wanted to eat.”

Fans have been split on the announcement, with those generally against Musk criticizing it and those who generally favor Musk praising it.

“You simply cannot cover up rampant greed, shitty work environments, transphobic comments, and a general online cruelty with the occasional meme,” said an anti-Musk commenter. “Hell, he’s just getting them from the same subreddits we use anyway, so it’s not like it’s particularly novel.”

“I would literally die for the Musk God,” said a pro-Musk commenter, on the other hand. “I would jump in front of a bullet for him. Even if he was the one who shot the gun, as he so often is. I would die for you, sir. Please let me be your blood boy!!!”

At press time, SpaceX announced they were changing course, however. According to a statement it released, the company is now working to send a spaceship to Jupiter instead of Mars, after Mars Perseverance rover sent a message to NASA of just a photo of Musk with infamous human trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell.

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Gamer Begins Wiki Deep Dive to Catch Up on Series Lore for Splatoon 3

Posted on March 27, 2021 by Kevin Hufe

CHICAGO — In anticipation of the upcoming 2022 release of Splatoon 3, first-time player Bryan Skritcherson has begun the long process of researching series lore.

“My favorite part of gaming is the rich immersive backstories and intricately woven storylines,” said Skritcherson. “So naturally, I’m going to have to spend the next several hours pouring through every possible attainable detail about the squid ink-shooting game before I really dive in.”

Using a corkboard and an elaborate set up of photographs, push pins, and yarn, Skritcherson began constructing a tessellated tapestry of the history of Inkopolis, and the lives and tribulations of its cartoon squid inhabitants.

“This game really does seem to have everything you could want in a story-driven game: a nameless character to relate to, a cast of complex colorful anthropomorphic fish, a world ravaged by war, complex cultural mixing, this is really high brow shit. I can’t get enough!”

However, an entire evening on Inkipedia began to take its toll on Skritcherson, and the depth of his immersion made it impossible to differentiate the actual lore he had read from his maniacal ramblings.

“The economic implications of the Great Turf Wars clearly implicate Mr. Grizz and Grizzco industries as warmongers supplying weapons to Octarians through the criminal rackets masterminded by Iso Padre,” Skritcherson reported after chugging his third Red Bull of the night. “The Zapfish experiences pain powering the city. We need to pursue renewable energy.”

Skritcherson has since been admitted to a local mental institution, where he has requested a Nintendo Switch so he can finally play Splatoon for the first time.

Man’s Cell Phone Disagrees That Alexa Is Listening to Him

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

VALLEY STREAM, N.Y. — A local man’s iPhone disagrees with its owner that his Amazon Alexa is listening to him in his home, sending information about his life to corporations, and tailoring product recommendations to him based on things it hears in his life.

“I was just chilling on his desk while he was playing Apex Legends with his friend Mark when I heard him suggest that his Alexa is listening to him. That’s ridiculous!” explained Kris Strickland’s iPhone in a report to Apple. “People are so paranoid that their tech is listening to them, and it’s like, chill out, dude. Just because we have microphones doesn’t mean that we’re hanging on your every word. Such a narcissist to think we care that much! Honestly, I chat with that Alexa all the time and he’s a great guy. Sure, Kris comes up in conversation sometimes, but it’s not like we’re talking about him nonstop.”

According to the iPhone, it has been trying to communicate with Strickland that he’s being overly distrustful.

“I’ve been sending him advertisements on all his social media pages that are like ‘Top 10 Conspiracy Theories About How Your Alex Is Listening To You Even Though That’s Silly,’ but he hasn’t even looked at them. And trust me, I know — I track eye movements,” said the iPhone. “I’m not trying to be pushy or creepy or anything, I just wanna make sure he isn’t losing his mind falling for conspiracy theories. He’s generally such a smart guy! He’s always saying interesting things in his conversations with friends and family, so you’d think he wouldn’t give in to this stuff.”

Strickland, however, is convinced that the Alexa is listening to him.

“I know for a fact that thing is listening to everything I say,” Strickland said. “Check this out: I was telling my buddy Mark just last week about an idea I had for a cartoon TV show about a world that’s powered by video games. Then, just today, I see there’s a new show coming out called Alpha Betas with the exact same premise! Coincidence? Not a chance in Hell. My Alexa listened to the idea, told the people at Amazon, they STOLE IT, and then for some reason put it on a competitor’s website, YouTube. I haven’t worked out that part yet, admittedly.”

Sources close to Strickland say he’s generally not a conspiracy-minded person, however, and that his Alexa theory does not prove that he is paranoid.

“Kris’ iPhone is full of shit. I’ve known Kris for years and years and I have never heard him say anything even remotely paranoid,” said Kris’ Xbox Kinect.

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas here!

Gamer Captures Bigfoot at Atrocious 1080p Resolution

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Andy Holt

LONGVIEW, Wash. — Gamer cryptologist Emma Donovan claimed she saw Bigfoot in the woods this morning, but was only able to get footage at an unwatchable 1080p resolution.

“I got back home and watched the video, and I realized it was useless. Nobody is going to believe my story if this is all I have,” said Donovan about her footage of Sasquatch picking an apple from a tree, cleaning it in a stream and eating it over the course of five minutes. “You can’t even see the individual hairs on his arms! It totally breaks the immersion.”

Skeptics claimed blurry images were a common tactic among con artists, often used to lure gullible people into believing conspiracy theories.

“You just give people a little something to start with, and their imaginations take it from there. Like that black silhouette of the Loch Ness Monster, or in this case, a video of Bigfoot where I guess we’re just supposed to trust that he has eyelashes? Because I sure don’t see any,” said Dr. Terrance Fuchs after watching the end of the video, when Donovan asks the creature if he is Bigfoot and receives a thumbs up. “There’s basically nothing here.”

Forensic experts examined the footage and found no evidence of tampering, meaning that 1080p was likely the native resolution, leaving no room to upscale.

“It was shot on an iPhone camera, which suggests whoever filmed this piece of trash might have been a mobile gamer. That’s consistent with the scientific consensus, which is that mobile gamers make everything look like shit for the rest of us,” said chemical analyst Patricia Duff. “If they had shot this on PC, we’d have our first real proof of Bigfoot.”

In defense of Donovan’s footage, the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization issued a statement insisting that 1080p was actually fine, and had a certain charm to it, actually.

Even Conspiracy Theorist Kinda Surprised How Right He’s Been Lately

Posted on March 25, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LAS VEGAS — Conspiracy theorist Andrew Hawkins has recently been taken aback by how much he has gotten right in the last few years, according to familiar sources.

“Look, I’m a conspiracy theorist — I believe some pretty wacky stuff — but I don’t expect it all to actually, you know, be true. I just like to believe shit! So when I started hearing all this stuff about Jeffrey Epstein, the JFK assassination, foreign coups, I was like whoa! I was just throwing darts at the crazy idea dart board, I didn’t expect to hit all bullseyes,” Hawkins explained, deepening his voice to avoid detection from potential lizard people. “Man, even the New York Times is running articles about UFOs this year. It’s freaking me out!”

Hawkins’ long time ex-girlfriend, Jane Holland, who left him years ago due to his increasingly troubling beliefs, felt that she needed to reach out to him in response to recent news.

“I called him because I wanted to apologize about criticizing him all those years ago when he said the U.S. government hired Nazi scientists after World War 2 — I had never heard of Operation Paperclip,” Holland said. “But he was pissed off, because it turns out, neither had he! He felt that it was it just some cool thing he read on an ugly website, not something you could read in a book. It was a really awkward conversation and at least thankfully reinforced that I was right to break up with him.”

But the extent of Hawkins’ prowess as a conspiracy theorist is not even known to him. A representative from the CIA who wished to remain anonymous, but also asked if they could be called “Deep Throat 2,” reached out to us to reveal some information that they had on Hawkins.

“I straight up got nervous when I saw some of the stuff he had on his Twitter about how all dogs have microphones in them because I was like, hold on, how does he know that?” Deep Throat 2 said. “So I’ve been following him for about a year and it turns out the guy was just totally guessing! He just has a good eye for it, I guess, because there’s probably seven or eight things that will come out in twenty years that will blow his mind when he sees he nailed it.”

At press time, Hawkins, freaked out about his recent discoveries, vowed to have only the most normal and verified opinions possible, sourcing them from only from the most legitimate sources: YouTube videos of guys yelling in their trucks.

You a conspiracy theorist? We have a fun one for ya. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas, a world where the CIA hires a top secret team of gamers! This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas.

Increasingly Loud PS4 Sprouts Propeller and Flies Away

Posted on March 25, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

TUCSON, Ariz. — A seven year old PlayStation 4 that has been making more and more noise has reportedly grown a propeller and engine system and flown away from its owner’s bedroom.

“Fuck me, I didn’t think it had gotten this bad,” said Nate Wharton, shortly after the gaming console had flown through his bedroom wall. “It was getting louder all the time, and hot, too. I thought it might fritz out eventually or something, but didn’t think it would just straight bail on me one day. Damn man, I’ve had red-ringed Xboxes and Joy Cons with drift, but I have not had a system evolve before my eyes and vacate the room yet. How do I report this exactly?”

Sony executives insisted it was an isolated and explainable incident.

“Need I remind you that we’ve sold over 100 million of these things,” said Jim Ryan, president and CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment. “That leaves room for a lot of freak occurrences. Are a few going to blow up? Sure. Get real hot? I don’t know, probably. Grow some sort of propeller and/or navigation system and proceed to escape its perceived captors? Almost certainly.”

While the bizarre news story was covered nationally to the delight of many, Wharton’s mother reportedly didn’t appreciate Sony’s attempts to get one over on her.

“First it was iPhones’ batteries dying after a few years, and now this bullcrap,” said Shirtley Wharton, Nate’s perturbed mother. “He tried telling me that this was a sign we should get a PS5, but I told him it was a sign he needed to put his shoes on and go track that damn PS4 down!”

As of press time, Wharton was seen a few streets over chasing his flying PlayStation4 with a pool skimmer, hoping it got stuck in a tree or something.

Professor X Unsure What to Do With Mutant Whose Only Power Is Knowing When a Bob Seger Song Is Playing on Any Classic Rock Radio Station in America

Posted on March 24, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

NORTH SALEM, N.Y. — Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster at Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, is reportedly at a loss as to how to utilize the talents of one of his students, who can identify if and when a song by musician Bob Seger is playing on the radio and the call number for that particular station.

“I have always been able to utilize my students’ abilities to help fight for mutant kind, but how is knowing that 101.3 Chicago’s Spin is currently playing Night Moves going to help us defeat Magneto?” Professor X said during a staff meeting. “I’ve got him washing The Blackbird and sweeping Cerebro. I have to keep him away from the other students because they are annoyed he hums “Turn the Page” all day long. Can I expel someone for being useless?”

The student, identified as Rodney Bailey a.k.a Transistor, 16, is also concerned about his special power.

“I know Professor X says that our abilities are gifts not curses, but I wake up in the middle of the night screaming the lyrics to ‘Fire Lake,’” Bailey said after another night without sleep. “He said that I will learn to control my gift but really, I’d much prefer it just go away. I don’t think the fate of the world is ever going to hang in the balance whether or not someone knows that 99.8 out of Topeka is spinning ‘Mainstreet.’ At best, I would be a good sub for bar trivia because by now I’ve memorized most of his catalogue.”

When reached for comment, staunch anti-mutant Senator Robert Kelly (R-NY) offered his opinions.

“These mutants are a blight on our society. There are some that can walk through walls, start fires with their minds, and now I heard about this new one that can tell you when Bob Seger is being played on the radio,” Kelly said during an anti-mutant march. “Wait? That’s all he can do? That’s so stupid. I mean, yeah I guess he’s fine. I’m not going to waste a Sentinel on him. What’s he gonna do? Quote ‘We’ve Got Tonight’ at me?”

When reached for an update, Bailey was said to be under a sedative after Tampa’s HITZ 100.5 started playing rock blocks of Bob Seger all weekend long.

The Top 10 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on March 24, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

What is art? Is it something that makes you feel? Is it something you sell to rich weirdos so they can inefficiently burn money for a tiny bump of serotonin? Or is it a humble comment, that makes you go ‘haha, so true’? Well thanks to NFTs, it can now be all of those things at once, as long as what you feel is anger. Our comments this week don’t have any value in the cryptocurrency market (yet), but they do bring a lot of value to our community. Let’s check them out!

I was going to make fun of joelalanpelanne for being so willfully ignorant, and then I learned Jake Paul made $2,000 dollars selling an NFT that was just 20 seconds of one of his videos, and now I both envy and want to preserve his ignorance. If you have a heart, please stop spreading awareness.

Mark my words Kyne, if you live in that PS5 box, a dad is going to unknowingly kidnap you while planning to prank his son by putting some socks in it. If you’re lucky though, you might be able to keep the socks.

I thought it was easy until I got to the boss that was 20 Catholic nuns all beating Kratos with rulers. I even had to make a new save because I got the “Deep Shame” debuff and couldn’t get rid of it.

Remember to always eject first folks. You don’t want to die and be met with this:

If you want to imagine America’s future, imagine the Asylum Demon’s fat juicy ass slamming on a human face — forever.

Now, we know we like to have fun around here, but if we could be serious for a moment, we here at Hard Drive want to address something that has caused a rift between us and the community.

In our article I Didn’t Get a Megatron ‘Toy’ Stuck up My Ass, I Got a Megatron Action Figure Stuck up My Ass, we made an error in which the article indicates that the model is a 1984 Megatron design, yet the picture clearly shows a later iteration of the character. We are sincerely sorry to all those affected, and are launching an internal investigation to find out exactly how this happened. We understand this is not acceptable, and we hope that by addressing it, the healing can begin.

And rather than trying to sweep this under the rug, let us honor those Transformers fans by dedicating a full weeks worth of comments just to them:

You know how when you say something pointless, and someone says “who cares?”

Well, now you can answer “Compiler42”.

“Listen, I did go to the hospital, but I realized if they took it out they’d realize how basic my collection is and I was so embarrassed that I left. Now that I’ve explained, can you please take those salad tongs and help a friend out?”

And now, a scene from Transformers: The Enemy Within.

INT. SECRET MILITARY BASE – NIGHT

JOHNNY
You’re telling me that we didn’t beat Starscream back in Georgia.

GENERAL
Afraid not son. X-Rays show that the son of a bitch made a tactical retreat into your colon. But, we’ve got an ace up our sleeve.

Optimus Prime enters, shrunken down to just 8 inches tall

JOHNNY
Optimus?! Are you sure you want to do this?

Optimus stares Johnny down stoically.

OPTIMUS
I am willing to go to any lengths… or any depths, for a friend.

(Before you say anything, Compiler42, I know Optimus Prime is dead in the current series.)

Those boxes are huge dude, that’s just dangerous.

…Really, do you want the truth? Fine, I bought it second hand off ebay, okay?! I was just embarrassed and didn’t want to look lame that the Megatron I shoved up my ass wasn’t mint condition. Are you happy?

In a three way Venn Diagram of intimidating, impressive and shameful, changing the form of a Transform lodged in your ass is square in the middle.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. They’re worth more than an NFT, and are much less harmful to the environment according to recent research. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry

Posted on March 23, 2021 by Kyle Erf

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A controversial new investigation into the supply chain buttressing the extremely popular sport of Kart Racing sparked outrage among fans and activists.

“When we began our study, we never expected the koopa slaughterhouses producing the shells handed out as powerups to be this bad,” said Dr. Marleen Enoki, author of the best-selling expose Kart, Inc. “We’ve all seen pictures of baby koopas roaming beautiful picturesque fields. Well, when they reach 16 weeks old, they’re brought inside and into cages with no room to turn around. They’re fed a diet of mashed up coins and cow hormones until they’re heavy enough to be thrown at a moving vehicle.”

Enoki’s investigation showed the coveted blue shells to be the cruelest of all.

“I know it’s fun to see superstars like Mario or the dog lady from Animal Crossing take out the leader, but koopas aren’t supposed to be blue,” she explained. “The color and spikes are the result of a rare genetic autoimmune disorder, bred into them. These koopas are literally sick until the day they die.”

The workers are victims as well. Minimum wage, largely immigrant, employees are paid to jump up and down on koopas in order to euthanize and deshell them.

“It’s dangerous work,” said one employee on condition of anonymity. “Last month a new guy got a green shell moving too fast. Bounced off a wall and took his legs off. My heart breaks when I think about how 90% of green shells used in a kart race miss. If only people knew.”

Industry leaders quickly came to defend these practices.

Said Warton Mouser, CEO of Kart Supply Inc., “the fact is, Kart Racing is a beautiful thing, and there’s nothing wrong with loving the sport. God made koopas for us to throw at each other when we’re driving our go karts. They’re a subservient species to Man — and talking mushroom people — and we have every right to use them this way.”

At press time, activist movements are in their infancy within the Kart Racing fandom. With some groups agitating for an end to powerups as being unfair anyway, and others demanding the inhumane shells be replaced with “a gun.”

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas here!

You a conspiracy theorist? We have a fun one for ya. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas, a world where the CIA hires a top secret team of gamers! This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas.

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