‘Call of Duty’ Color Blind Mode Excuses You From Duty

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision has spurred a recent controversy in the gaming community with a patch for Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, which discharges any players who enable color blind mode, excusing them from the horrors of digital war.

Colorblind Call of Duty streamer Deveney Deneault commented on her confusion and outrage at the recent patch. 

“Honestly, I can’t tell if the game is saying something positive or negative about colorblind people,” Deneault said. “I’m just pissed because I paid $60 for this game at launch and now my account has been locked just because I have a hard time with shades of green.”

Upon selecting color blind mode, a notarized letter appears on the game’s home screen, thanking the player for their service. Even though the game assures players that their virtual soldier will still retain full military benefits in the world of the game, this lore detail has not seemed to appease audiences.

Jenna Leahy, an Activision programmer responsible for the change, defended the choice to clear the servers of the color blind as a realism choice.

“The players want realistic gameplay,” Leahy said. “When a teammate needs an accessibility setting to tell the futuristic robot hounds called in by killstreak are friendly or enemies, it really breaks the immersion of being on a real battlefield.”

Activision refused to comment on an upcoming brand deal with Sony, which is rumored to discharge all Xbox players from Call of Duty as well.

The Top 10 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

CAUTION: This column features comments, and commentary that joke at the expense of Elon Musk. If you are sensitive to mockery of Elon Musk, turn off your computer monitor and safely back away. Be advised, if you leave a comment defending him, it may be featured in this column and inspire more Musk-mocking.

As for the rest of you, feel free to go on ahead into this week’s top comments!

Remember to be disciplined and only give turkey as a rare treat. If you give in every time, your hard drive will be full of cold cuts and you won’t have any room for all 212 gigabytes of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

Something similar happened with Prometheus, where they offered to let him do 101% speedruns of Donkey Kong 64 for eternity, but he was reportedly worried about who would take care of the eagle that had been eating his liver for thousands of years.

BUG FIXES FOR NEW YORK CITY PATCH 2.6:

  • Fixed issue where citizens would loop “best bagels” dialogue
  • Bill De Blasio height decreased 15%
  • Celebrity aggression rates lowered to 25%
  • Police Officers now less resistant to responsibility 
  • Votes now impact national elections

Look forward to 2050’s hottest throwback releases, such as Grandpa of War, Heavy Back Pain, and The Last of Friends. With 40 years worth of new technology powering these games, we can make these dads sadder than ever before!

Finally, Elon Musk will have created something all by himself: the circumstances of the inevitable space mutiny that will reassign him to a short term position in the ship’s airlock. Redditors everywhere will feel a chill down their spine, instinctively knowing they want to protect Elon without knowing how.

Speaking as a fan, if someone I had this deep of a parasocial relationship with was doing anything shady, I think I’d know about it. I’ve been close with his content for years, and I never noticed anything.

While we don’t have an easy mode (yet), Hard Drive does support local and online co-op with your friends which might help. Taking turns reading can help with longer paragraphs, and having a friend who can do a really good Waluigi impression can go a long way in reducing the difficulty.

Yeah buddy, we’d all like our lives to be twice as long too. But then we’d just spend all that extra time watching movies that last as long as a cross nation flight.

Safety first kids, if someone offers to play a game of Magic: the Gathering with you, firmly tell them NO and report them to the nearest adult. Always remember the slogan that will save your life: I’d rather be bored than play with cardboard!

It was all worth it, just to save one life. We’re thankful too.

Thank you so much to everyone for your comments this week. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Guy Who Threw Away Box Without Looking Can’t Believe PS5 Didn’t Come With Power Cable

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Scoffing at the disappointing contents of the package he’d just paid $500 for, local man Tyler Lopresti, who just moments ago threw away the packaging his PlayStation 5 came in without taking a closer look inside first, expressed his dissatisfaction that that the PlayStation 5 did not even come with a power cable.

“Wow, I thought I’d seen the worst by a tech company when Apple stopped including wall chargers with their phones, but this really takes the cake,” said Lopresti, scolding the tech giant while the standard AC adapter they had included with his PlayStation 5 sat in the dumpster in the alleyway behind his apartment. “What’s next, am I going to have to pay extra for the power button on the console itself? Get it together, Sony!”

A representative from Sony says that the excitement surrounding the PS5’s launch has led to many cases of prematurely throwing away parts of the console.

“We understand everyone’s excited to get their hands on the PS5, but please take your time unpackaging the console and don’t throw anything away by mistake. And, even if you do think something is missing, please just retrace your steps and double check rather than call our support line to start ranting about artificial scarcity and the free market.”

At press time, Lopresti had finally realized his mistake after watching a PS5 unboxing video.

Here Are All the Porns Coming To Pornhub This Weekend

Posted on by Jolie Darrow and Zack Pearlman

Well, it looks like we’ll be jackin our knobs and flicking our vaginas once again this weekend! Here’s everything you need to know about what’s cumming (lol) and what’s finished (also lol) for PornHub this weekend.

Here’s all the new titles coming to PornHub:

  • Big Booty Blonde Cum Addict Begs for More
  • Sassy Stephanie Sparkles Takes Two Cocks at Once
  • Straight guy tries Gay Stuff 
  • Big Cocks that Cum (REAL)
  • King Dong vs DongZilla (No Nudity)
  • Cute Teen Fucks Homeschool teachers
  • BANGBROS – we’re being sued 🙁 
  • Amateur Teens make Crab Rangoons
  • Stepsister thinks Cock Log is Hot Dog
  • Old people Fucking (new!)
  • Big titties DESTROY giant asshole
  • Guy fucks FULLY LOADED potato
  • 重機の操作方法を選ぶ女子学生.mp4 (2019)
  • Alien Slut Gargles Human cock
  • My Hero Academia hentai (Please don’t get mad, we couldn’t get any Asian People)
  • Man Smothers Himself To Peaceful Lasting Sleep
  • Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
  • DIY JOI
  • Sub Tied up and Left to their own Thoughts
  • Mario fucks Luigi–Impregnation fantasy (Boo watches!!!)
  • Перестань переводить дерьмо ботаника и начни дрочить
  • Gangbang Turns into crazy weed smoking sesh
  • Tits
  • Top Ten Hottest Female Sonic Characters
  • Humiliation Compilation: Falling in Public (Boise, Idaho 1998)
  • Nude Yoga (No nudity)

Make sure you watch these porns ASAP because they’ll be leaving the website this weekend:

  • Pickle Rick is Back Forever 
  • Step father teaches step daughter a little something about custody battles
  • Birds try anal for first time
  • This game will make you cum blood
  • Bitch squirts ketchup
  • BBC DESTROYS other BBC
  • Balls [Editor’s Note: This will be returning in May]
  • Barely legal Teen Signs up for US Army b/c he has no other options (VR!)
  • Pissing on New Boots (trailer)
  • My Creepy Roomate FUCK
  • Husband lost his wallet so he let the pizza delivery boy fuck his big booty Alabama wife
  • Young Amateur Babe Gets Upgraded to First Class
  • Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Porn Parody (but with Jews)
  • Wife Has a headache so husband fucks Advil Bottle
  • The McRib.
  • Caught my Wife Cheating so I got out the good dinner plates
  • US Curling Team Gangbang (no Nudity)
  • Stepsister distracts me from D O T A 2, Loses $25  M i l l i on Dollar Championship Match
  • Fisting Compilation– Muppets
  • Casting Couch– Girl Can Fuck, but can she Act?
  • Deep Throating my Exorcist Priest
  • Rim Job, Blow Job, Hand Job, No Job
  • Filling My Car Up with Cum
  • Using my Dildo as a Hair Brush 
  • Masseuse never gets Horny (Nudity)

RUMOR: Applebee’s Set to Unveil New Presto Pro Tableside Tablet With Nvidia DLSS and Raytracing

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

GLENDALE Calif. — According to a massive leak from within Applebee’s, the company is preparing to roll out a new “Pro” model of their popular Presto tableside tablets equipped with top-of-the-line Nvidia RTX GPUs, a custom AMD Ryzen-based processor, high resolution Samsung display panels, and a specialized version of the Nvidia RTX 3070 GPU.

“If what my source says is true, this is going to make Applebee’s the clear frontrunner for the next release cycle of fast casual restaurant experiences,” said casual dining expert Jeffery Schrader, who first reported the rumor via Twitter. “Rendering that menu in buttery 4K at 144 FPS with full raytraced global illumination… it’s going to be incredibly effective at enticing children to accidentally spend $1.99 by touching the tablet a single time.”

Nvidia did not respond when reached for comment, but sources within the company have confirmed that a large portion of RTX 3070 chips are being reserved for an unspecified neighborhood bar and grill.

“Something I think we’re not talking about enough is the cryptocurrency integration,” Schrader continued. “I have it on good authority that these tablets are going to be mining ApplebeeCoins during your whole meal. Those coins can be used to earn half price appetizers, $1 Bahama Mamas, and as a bonus feature the heat generated by the tablet can be used to keep your riblets at the perfect temperature: lukewarm.”

Applebee’s neither confirmed nor denied the rumor, but assured customers that the Presto tablet they know and love wouldn’t be going anywhere any time soon.

“We are always looking to provide the best family restaurant experience we can offer, and the Presto tableside tablet has been a vital part of that experience since 2014,” wrote the Applebee’s PR team. “While we don’t have anything to announce at this time, rest assured that we hear you. To our fans who are dreaming of being upsold on a Sizzlin’ Caramel Apple Blondie or a Triple Chocolate Meltdown in ultra-HD… Stay tuned!”

At press time, it was rumored that TGI Friday’s was close to finalizing a deal to acquire Belgian RPG developer Larian Studios, in order to develop an immersive and expansive Endless Apps experience. TGI Fridays and Larian Studios both declined to comment.

Pope Francis to Hold 2021 Easter Vigil in Fortnite

Posted on by Michael Pacholik

VATICAN CITY — A spokesman from the Vatican announced today that Pope Francis would be holding this today’s Easter Vigil Mass exclusively in the video game Fortnite. 

“The decision was made by His Holiness in an effort to allow people all over the world to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It’s also a chance to reach a much younger, largely unsupervised generation,” said Cardinal Saveria Corsetti, briefly stopping the press conference to consult with advisors. “I’m being told some of the children may, in fact, be supervised by parents and relatives. Good to know, good to know.”

The announcement was only the latest in a series of major events, hosting everyone from Thanos and the Mandalorian to Travis Scott and Neymar Jr.

“Drop into Fortnite today to see the big guy himself — that’s right, the Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, you know him, you love him, the Pope, y’all,” said a media representative for Epic Games. “We’re also changing health kits and shield potions into bread and wine, and of course, making the King of Nazareth himself available as a skin for purchase as well as other cosmetic upgrades such a crucifix glider, a Dark Judas skin, and a Spear of Destiny pickaxe. Plus some surprises, of course.”

Epic also revealed that Travis Scott will make an appearance as a musical guest during the Easter Vigil. Due to some rules, it is rumored that Scott will be ordained as a bishop in order to appear on stage with the Pope. When pressed for comment, the Vatican did not deny it.

“Look, when you sign an exclusivity deal, you’re always going to hand over some concessions. You do what you have to do. It’s the nature of the business,” said Cardinal Corsetti. “Plus, you have to hope his inclusion will bring in more viewers.”

In a later statement, Epic promised that people of all denominations would be welcome to the event, “except of course for Apple users.”

20 Things in WandaVision That Could’ve Been Mephisto

Posted on by Dustin Meadows

One of the most popular theories about WandaVision was that it was all being controlled by Mephisto, an extra-dimensional being who basically serves as Marvel’s version of Satan. Even though the series has concluded without revealing Mephisto’s involvement, that’s not gonna stop us from pontificating about who or what in the show could still actually be him. Mephisto could still be in there somewhere! There’s at least, like, 20 things that could be him!

 

  1. “Ralph Bohner”—Uh, nice try, Marvel, but if this dude isn’t actually Quicksilver then he clearly has to be Mephisto! This is a classic misdirect that’ll probably pay off once we finally get to Doctor Strange And The Multiverse Of Madness, which might as well be called The Multiverse of Mephisto, if you ask us.

 

  1. Señor Scratchy—Agatha “Also Might Be Mephisto” Harkness has a rabbit who is introduced near the end of the series, and this rabbit has a surname similar to Nicholas Scratch, who is Agatha’s son in the comics, and Scratch is an alias of the Devil, aka MEPHISTO.

 

  1. That Dude With The Mustache—Remember that guy who has a couple funny lines in the black-and-white episodes and then doesn’t really do much for the rest of the series? Well, it’s probably because he’s busy manipulating everything behind the scenes since he’s Mephisto.

 

  1. Dottie—The stuck-up neighbor, remember her? Well, it’s the same actress that played Anya in a couple seasons of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and that show was all about vampires and werewolves and demons, so duh, easily could be Mephisto.

 

  1. The Guy Who Plays The Corrupt Government Official That Looks Like Danny Huston But Isn’t Actually Danny Huston—Admit it. You thought it was Danny. Classic trick, definitely the kind of thing Mephisto would pull.

 

  1. Jimmy Woo-Hey—Remember when he does that card trick the first time we see him? That’s magic, which is something that Mephisto also can do!

 

  1. Sparky—The dog that Agatha “kills.” Being dead seems like the perfect cover for Mephisto!

 

  1. The Aerospace Engineer—Monica Rambeau mentions this character and we all expected it to be Reed Richards aka Mr. Fantastic, but it turns out to just be some army lady? Nice disguise, Mephisto!

 

  1. The Piece Of Steak That Mr. Hart Chokes On in Episode One—Look, Mephisto is pretty powerful. He can do all kinds of crazy stuff so maybe he can be foodl.

 

  1. The Cartoon Shark From The “Yo Magic” Commercial—Sharks have teeth. So does Mephisto.

 

  1. The Concrete Wall That The Neighbor Cuts Through—Okay, this could be a long shot but imagine how smart we’ll look if it turns out to be true.

 

  1. Kat Dennings’ Black Parade Costume From the Modern Family Episode—Devil/Mephisto vibes from that outfit. You know it’s true. Don’t pretend.

 

  1. Paul Bettany’s ‘70s Wig—That thing for sure came from a Hell-type place, right? There’s absolutely no way that thing isn’t a direct reference to Mephisto. Please, I really need this.

 

  1. The Necronomicon In Agatha’s Basement—Darkhold, my ass. That’s the Book of The Dead. Which is also actually Mephisto.

 

  1. That Evil-Looking Stork—I don’t know, man.

 

  1. No Way That Beekeeper Ain’t Mephisto, Come On!

 

  1. Uh, Elizabeth Olsen’s Mom Jeans From the ‘80s Episode

 

  1. There Was A Skrull At The End, Right? Yeah, Probably Also Mephisto

 

  1. The Live Studio Audience From the First Few Episodes

 

  1. Kit Fisto—That’s right. Cthulhu-face Jedi dude from the Star Wars prequels. Disney owns that and MCU, so it looks like we’re finally setting up the Marvel/Star Wars shared universe, and how are we doing it? Mephisto, that’s how, nerd!

Embarrassed Ridley Assures Smash Player He’s Much Bigger Canonically

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Dragon-like space pirate and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate fighter Ridley assured a teary-eyed man controlling his moves at a local tournament today that his appearance is not normally like this.

“I feel completely cheated,” said an emotional Ben Bransfield soon after losing in the preliminaries. “He looked absolutely nothing like the photos I saw online — his wingspan was easily three inches shorter; I was dead in the water. My friends tried to console me after the fight, but I dunno… these fan-service characters are all the same! I think I’m just going to main my Mii for a while.” 

Ridley, however, was not particularly sympathetic, although he clearly had his spiny, nightmarish tail between his legs.

“Look, I tried to explain to this kid that the jump from 16 bit to 3D can be a little deceiving, it ain’t my fault,” said the notorious space pirate as he sat stageside, nervously chain-smoking. “It’s not always about size, y’know? It’s the technique. Jesus, I’m the one that should be offended — that little prick couldn’t even handle me!”

Unprovoked, Ridley was also quick to remind us of his reputation. “Shit, back home? I’m a goddamn legend. You ever play Super Metroid? I was a fucking monster back then, bro. A beast!”

At press time, neither Bransfield nor Ridley could be reached for comment, but tournament winner Taylor Goss had sparing words on the matter. “You want a fighter you can depend on? That’s King Dedede every time. Go for girth. You know what they say about guys with big hammers.” After pausing for a moment, he added, “big dicks.”

Unhinged Zack Snyder Releases Four Hour Cut of Tenet

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Following the long awaited release of his highly anticipated extended cut of Justice League, a hubristic Zack Snyder has now released an extended cut of Tenet, last year’s Christopher Nolan film that Snyder had no involvement with.

“Really glad to finally get this out there, after those dicks at Warner Brothers, not to mention Chris, wouldn’t let me in the editing bay,” said Snyder in a video uploaded to HBO Max that precedes the new cut of the film. “With the wind at my back after this whole Justice League thing, I marched into HBO’s offices one day and said ‘Here it is, here’s the Snyder Cut of Tenet. Sit on this one and it all starts up again.’”

Snyder’s famously outspoken fans were surprised to learn of the previously unannounced version of the film, and eagerly await the film’s premiere later this week.

“I didn’t realize he had been working on a cut of Tenet, but if he was, hell yeah, I wanna see that fucker,” said Kyle Roth, a devoted fan of Snyder’s. “When I watched the movie the first time around, I was thinking, ‘they definitely could have made way more of this shit go backwards.’ I was sort of hoping Nolan would pull the trigger on that, but he’s too much of a ‘sensitive artist’ to make the movie as awesome as it could be. Man, I hope Snyder put Joker back in Tenet.”

Christopher Nolan, the celebrated filmmaker behind such hits as Inception, The Dark Knight, and Interstellar, was vocally concerned about how Snyder may have distorted his creative vision with his new version of Tenet. 

“Bloody hell, tell me he kept it in a rectangular format at least,” said Nolan. “I’m worried about what that nut did to it. My films are designed to be at their most entertaining in front of as big of a screen as possible, exactly as I photographed them, and ideally with me loudly remarking upon the high caliber of filmmaking from the back of the theater over some kind of loudspeaker system. Now that’s cinema.”

Zack Snyder’s Tenet will premiere tomorrow on HBO Max and remain available on the platform for 21 days. As of press time, despite being involved in the project in no way, Joss Whedon has apologized for his actions during Tenet just to cover his ass. 

Report: Guy You’ve Never Heard of Is Creep

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Following accusations from several women, some supposedly famous guy you’re just learning about for the first time is a creep, a breaking news report currently trending worldwide has confirmed.

The man, who you assume is probably famous for being a YouTuber or actor or maybe even a podcaster or Twitch streamer, has engaged in immoral behavior towards his impressionable fans according to screenshots from social media apps, especially Discord.

“I’m glad people are spreading the word about this. There’s been evidence of this loser being a creep for years,” said one tweet about the mysterious public figure, who you guess might just be another professional Smash Bros player. “There is absolutely no reason to let someone like this back into the community for any reason at all.”

Fans of the alleged creep have rallied against the report, discussing ideas to show support with the speed and efficiency of a thriving community that you could not have imagined until you discovered its existence earlier today.

“I mean, for fuck’s sake, this guy is a multi-millionaire at this point,” said a follow-up tweet confirming, somehow, that this fandom has existed long enough to net someone multiple millions of dollars without you so much as ever hearing about it.

In effort to promote positivity around the thing the man is known for, fans began circulating the names of several other supposedly popular men that people should support instead, bringing each of their existences to your attention for the first time as well, which will at least make it easier for you to recognize them in the coming weeks as they too inevitably are outed as horrible perverts who consistently took advantage of young women.

At press time, the disgraced… television writer? wrote a lengthy, sobby response to the situation in an embarrassing attempt to diffuse the situation via Twitlonger, a website you have never heard of before in your life but is apparently often used for this type of situation.

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