CHICAGO — In anticipation of the upcoming 2022 release of Splatoon 3, first-time player Bryan Skritcherson has begun the long process of researching series lore.
“My favorite part of gaming is the rich immersive backstories and intricately woven storylines,” said Skritcherson. “So naturally, I’m going to have to spend the next several hours pouring through every possible attainable detail about the squid ink-shooting game before I really dive in.”
Using a corkboard and an elaborate set up of photographs, push pins, and yarn, Skritcherson began constructing a tessellated tapestry of the history of Inkopolis, and the lives and tribulations of its cartoon squid inhabitants.
“This game really does seem to have everything you could want in a story-driven game: a nameless character to relate to, a cast of complex colorful anthropomorphic fish, a world ravaged by war, complex cultural mixing, this is really high brow shit. I can’t get enough!”
However, an entire evening on Inkipedia began to take its toll on Skritcherson, and the depth of his immersion made it impossible to differentiate the actual lore he had read from his maniacal ramblings.
“The economic implications of the Great Turf Wars clearly implicate Mr. Grizz and Grizzco industries as warmongers supplying weapons to Octarians through the criminal rackets masterminded by Iso Padre,” Skritcherson reported after chugging his third Red Bull of the night. “The Zapfish experiences pain powering the city. We need to pursue renewable energy.”
Skritcherson has since been admitted to a local mental institution, where he has requested a Nintendo Switch so he can finally play Splatoon for the first time.