Organizers of Martial Arts Tournament Didn’t Say Anything About a Fucking Bear

Posted on by Ed Smith

TOKYO — A former MMA champion officially withdrew from an international martial arts competition yesterday after a brutal mauling from a Japanese brown bear.

“I show up for the first heat, and they tell me it’s taking place on the helipad on the roof,” explained Canadian fighter Todd Morris, two-time winner of the Mixed Martial Arts heavyweight title. “So I go up there — and this building is something like 125 floors—and there’s just this bear. No referee, no cut man, not even an audience. Just this huge fucking bear, standing up on its back legs, dressed in a pair of boxing shorts.”

While tournaments vary in their protocols and rules of combat, Morris insisted that what happened on the helipad was “definitely not cool” and most likely against the law.

“I’m up there, and before I can even put down my kit bag, a deep voice yells ‘Fight!’ and the bear charges at me and hits me in the chest with a double dropkick. I go down. It starts doing knee drops on my head. I’m expecting the bell to ring, because I know the rulebook front to back, and that should 100% be a disqualification,” said Morris. “But instead it’s the voice again: ‘Perfect.’ How do you even get a bear on top of a skyscraper?”

Other competitors expressed similar concerns, citing the “complete disregard” for MMA regulations by the organizers of the tournament.

“They made us fight in the middle of this farmers’ market,” claimed Rosie Ryman, an American kickboxer who competes in the Ultimate Fighting Championship. “The other guy had a sword.”

In response, the hosts of the tournament issued a statement vowing to investigate how matches are officiated and organized.

“To improve our levels of fairness and ensure appropriate match bookings, next year’s tournament will feature fights between two competitors who use precisely the same moves and are physically identical to each other in every single way,” read the statement, in part. “Except one of them will be wearing a slightly different version of the other one’s outfit.” 

This year’s tournament remains controversial, however, as last year’s champion, the Devil, is scheduled to defend his title.

Frustrated Gamer Looks Up SparkNotes for ‘Disco Elysium’

Posted on by Will

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Irritated gamer Jack Dubbins recently decided to try and find the SparkNotes for the game Disco Elysium after playing for only five minutes, according to frustrated sources.

“Everyone was talking about this game on Twitter. They all said it was amazing and changed what games could be. I was so ready for some intense action, only to boot up the game and find myself transported back to my high school English class reading War and Peace,” said Dubbins, who also failed to complete both Red Dead Redemption games, every entry in the Bioshock series, Breath of the Wild, and A Short Hike. “Like, c’mon! I want to play a game! Not expand my mind with deep themes or metaphors.”

This exasperation eventually led Dubbins to search online for a summary of the plot.

“Since middle school, I have not finished an assigned reading. SparkNotes allowed me to barely pass English,” Dubbins said. “So I figured since this game is like a literary masterpiece or whatever, there had to be SparkNotes. I’ve been looking all over the internet for them.”

A close friend of Dubbins expressed shock and confusion about his desire to play the game.

“Isn’t Disco Elysium’s whole thing that it’s like a book?” said Hannah Graves, who attended high school with Dubbins. “I actually do not understand what made Jack so ready to take the plunge into this game. We’re talking about a guy who used to refuse to read what the teacher wrote on the chalkboard. He always made me sum it up for him.”

Dubbins was unable to find any SparkNotes regarding the game, and instead opted to play a different game that he was sure was more his speed, Planescape Torment.

Gamer Looking to Save the World Regrettably Recruited by United States Military

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MODESTO, Calif. — Local gamer Martin Long, 22, has reportedly joined the United States military after being inspired to save the world through his video game prowess, according to those familiar with the situation. 

“I was watching that YouTube cartoon Alpha Betas and I was like damn those guys regularly save the planet by being good at gaming. How do I get in on that? And the next thing I knew I was signed up to be a drone operator for the United States Army,” Long solemnly explained, his head in his hands. “They told me I could use an Xbox controller and I just said yes. I wanted to, like, chop up bandits in a parody of Red Dead Redemption, like they do in the show. But I fucked up and now I’m a tool of the military industrial complex.”

Long’s family is devastated about the news that Long has joined the military, as well as the fact that he was so easily convinced to change his entire life after watching just one cartoon on the internet.

“Yeah, if the electrical grid of the world was powered by video games, like in Alpha Betas, then I’d be more than happy for him to use video games in heroic, society-saving measures. But, as we all know, the world does not run on video games. Never has, never will,” said Long’s mother Clarissa Long. “Why couldn’t he just, vaguely do good in the world? When I told him he should apply his video games interests to his real life, I just meant that he should, like, be a good team leader or whatever.”

Despite concerns from the vast majority of people in Long’s life, United States Army general Frank O’Reilly says that 

“Hey if we can trick gamers to sign up for the service for a few years, I call that a win. Everyone’s already seeing through our tricks using Twitch, so we had to start recruiting in the comments sections of random video game related YouTube videos,” O’Reilly said. “Sure, they’re miserable while they’re here, but so is everyone. It’s the military!”

At press time, Long had already gotten himself discharged from the military after a reportedly “very annoying” three hour explanation of why BasicallyIDoWrk’s gaming compilation videos are the strongest of the Alpha Betas team.

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot below!

Disney Announces Next Marvel Show ‘Mantis, Talos, & Whoever’s Free to Film Next Tuesday’

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney has announced Mantis, Talos, & Whoever’s Free To Film Next Tuesday, a new Marvel show that will stream on Disney+ and feature at least some amalgamation of characters from the MCU.

“You loved WandaVision. You’re ready to dive into Falcon & the Winter Soldier,” read a Disney press release. “Now get ready for the MCU’s most ambitious show yet. Tune in every week to find out which actors don’t really have a lot going on right now and were willing to come down to the sound stage for a few hours.”

Fans are already buzzing about the possibilities, even though there are no firm casting details. Some theories predict that Thor, Ant-Man, and Nick Fury could all show up in the series. Behind the scenes, producers are realistically hoping someone from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t too busy with other projects these days.

“Oh right, I’m in the MCU,” said Sam Rockwell when asked about his involvement in the show. “Who am I again? Do I play one of the Guardians of the Galaxy or something? I’m in Iron Man 2? Who do I play in Iron Man 2? I mean, if Disney’s paying, sure, I’ll reprise whatever that role is for the show. Did I die in that movie?”

The project currently has no director or screenwriter attached. Disney says that it just assumes Kevin Feige or the Russo Brothers will wander in one day and figure it out.

“It’s an unorthodox production process,” admitted Disney CEO Bob Chapek, “but I’m convinced it’ll be a huge success. If nobody shows up, we’ll just film an empty street and say it’s set during the aftermath of The Snap. Real experimental, gut wrenching stuff. A meditation on the emptiness of loss, I guess.”

Despite the fact that Disney has yet to even script an episode of the show, Twitter has already managed to spoil every plot detail about the first episode.

Opinion: The MCU Needs Some Sort of Funny English Character Whose Name is Mr. Bean

Posted on by Camden Brazile

It’s no secret that the Marvel Cinematic Universe is running out of good characters. Moon Knight? Shang-Chi? Professor X? Who even are these people? Everyone who watches these movies and shows sees how clear it is that Marvel needs a new heavy-hitter to bring this failing franchise back from life support. Maybe a black woman as a hero? Perhaps a Latina or LGBT villain? Or even, I mean, just a crazy pitch off the top of my head, a funny, English guy named Mr. Bean? 

Now, I’m just spit-balling here, but personally I think that third option is definitely without question the way to go. 

Marvel says they care about representation in the MCU, but where is the representation for the clumsy? Not once have we seen a Marvel hero slip on a banana peel, or commit some social faux pas at a restaurant. Comic fans were ecstatic about what Captain Marvel contributed to the superhero genre, but I can’t help but feel they missed a huge opportunity by not having her make a funny face while a lobster pinched her on the ass. I’m not even married to the idea of this hypothetical Mr. Bean being a hero. I think a villain would do just as well. Again, this is all off the top of my head.

And before any of you diehard fanboys run to the comments to complain, let me paint you a picture. As the credits roll on Black Panther 2, suddenly the screen builds anticipation as Alan Silvestri’s Avengers score swells, when suddenly the arms of a tweed suit clasp over the legendary Infinity Gauntlet. I can practically hear the standing ovations of audiences everywhere as we speak.

You get the idea. Get creative with it. Make the character your own. All I ask is that you make him a clumsy, funny Englishman, and that you name him — and this is important — Mr. Bean. I’m an actor, so I have a really good sense of what works and doesn’t work in the film industry. I can say without a doubt that this idea would work. People would lose their shit over it, I’m sure.

Marvel, don’t do it for me, do it for the children. I think everything you’ve built will be worth it if just one uncoordinated British child stares up at that screen and feels like they matter. For casting inquiries, please contact my agents, or honestly just call me. I’m not busy.

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Review: The ‘Snyder Cut’ Is Whatever We Already Decided About It Before It Came Out

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

The wait is finally over. Zack Snyder’s long-anticipated redo of 2018’s Justice League, dubbed the “Snyder Cut,” is finally out on HBO Max. After watching through the entire four hour film, we can now confidently say that the superhero epic is everything we already decided it would be years ago.

The film follows the titular Justice League as they go to war with the evil Steppenwolf. The villain himself has been totally transformed here, which initially drew both praise and mockery alike in early images. No matter which side you fell on in that debate, it’s safe to say you’ll walk out of the film with the exact same opinion you walked in with, because it’s too late to admit you were wrong at this point.

Aside from the villain, fans will immediately feel the difference between the original film and the new version. Those who don’t enjoy Snyder’s signature brand of darkness will be turned off before they even turn on their TV to see what it looks like. Meanwhile, those who unabashedly love the director’s work will cheer regardless of what is happening on screen.

One of the main issues with the film, however, is that it’s a big budget superhero movie. That’s sure to be a polarizing factor for audiences. If you’re a cinephile who thinks that superhero movies are ruining the sanctity of Hollywood, don’t expect this to change your mind. Even if you kind of like it, you won’t admit it since it would run contrary to your tweets about the film from 2019.

The good news is that the Snyder Cut truly delivers a masterpiece for people who have been hailing it as a masterpiece long before it existed. It has everything a dedicated fan could possibly want: four hours worth of images that play out one after another and culminate in Zack Snyder’s name appearing on the end credits. That’s sure to fully satisfy diehards regardless of quality.

At the end of the day, watching the Snyder Cut is like voting: you can’t complain if you don’t engage. So tune in this weekend to reaffirm your beliefs that won’t change no matter how good or bad it is.

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Man Gets 4 Episodes Into WandaVision Before Realizing He’s Actually Watching Frasier

Posted on by Andy Holt

MADISON, Wisc. — Local Marvel fan and notorious dumbass Bailey Lynch was reportedly bamboozled into watching multiple episodes of 1993’s Fraiser under the false assumption that he was catching up on WandaVision.

“I was really into the cooky sitcom vibe and deep characterization,” said Lynch. “I kept noticing Easter eggs in the background, like how there was a spooky book in a bunch of scenes I was convinced was the Darkhold. Then I realized it was just a book on mental disorders, which still seemed pretty relevant to what I’ve heard people say about Wanda.”

Despite the signs that he was in fact watching a popular NBC sitcom from a bygone era, Lynch kept watching, and ended up getting “pretty into it.”

“My friends have been constantly mentioning how Wanda needs therapy, and this show has like fifteen therapists, so I assumed I was right on the ball,” said Lynch. “There was this scene where Fraiser was listening to a caller talk to a guy about their unhealthy relationship issues, and that hit me really hard. I thought it was the deepest line in the entire MCU.”

When pressed further on how it was possible to mix up the two shows for so long, Lynch grew somewhat combative.

“Listen, I’ve been so fucking bored during quarantine that my brain has started shutting down. I saw a goofy sitcom about a kinda bald guy with relationship issues up on the TV and it all synced up,” said Lynch. “Cut me some slack, okay?”

Pulling from personal knowledge and lore deep dives, Lynch was able to fit many of the details from Fraiser into the larger Marvel universe.

“There were outdated commercials for Cialis that I was certain were symbolic of the Mind Stone, or the Space Stone, maybe the Nexus of all Realities?” Lynch says. “I thought the length of commercials was a little silly, and it was weird how so many of them mentioned the Twin Towers, but I’m a huge Tim and Eric fan so I figured it was all part of the experience.” 

Lynch confirmed he recently started bingeing the real WandaVision, but was sort of lost on why it’s all animated.

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FCC Recommends Downloading Three Large Files a Day to Keep Internet Connection Healthy and Regular

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — In an effort to bolster the strength of the nation’s internet infrastructure, Acting FCC Chairwoman Jessica Rosenworcel issued a statement Monday advising all Americans to download three large files every day to keep their internet connections healthy and regular.

“Internet health is a serious responsibility that all of us need to take into our own hands,” said Rosenworcel, presenting a slideshow outlining the correlation between irregular file downloads and long-term internet connectivity issues. “Bad downloading habits early in life can lead to slow speeds, spotty WiFi, and even total router failure later on. That’s why it’s important to download three large files every day at breakfast, lunch and dinner time.”

Reactions to the announcement online were generally surprised, but many users say that it has made them more conscious of their internet health moving forward.

“I could definitely form some healthier downloading habits,” said one Reddit user in a pinned post responding to the announcement. “Sometimes I’ll binge-download a bunch of files late at night and my internet connection is all sluggish the next morning. It’s also almost entirely music and movies that I’m downloading, but I’d probably be doing myself some favors down the line if I threw a spreadsheet in there every once in a while. Starting tomorrow, I’m turning over a new leaf!”

At press time, experts were comparing and contrasting Rosenworcel’s recommendations with downloading habits in Europe, where many internet users substitute three large files a day with smaller file downloads throughout the day.

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‘MLB The Show 21’ Allows You to Fully Customize Overbearing Father Living Vicariously Through You

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SAN DIEGO — San Diego Studio announced today that MLB: The Show 21 will allow players to fully customize a belligerent father living vicariously through their digital ballplayer avatars. 

“We want to really immerse the players in the game, while still giving them options to encourage unique, personalized experiences,” said lead designer Jack Trusler, describing how players will be able to adjust their virtual father’s physique with a slider ranging from Husky to Very Husky. “Of course, we know that dedicated gamers will want to tweak the finer details, which is why you can also choose what soda can your father pours his liquor into, or even what baseball movie he shouts quotes from while you’re at bat.” 

Anna Luepke, an avid fan of both baseball and overbearing fathers, says that she’s excited to experience the freedom of this new system and even knows what route she will choose for her fictional father already.

“I’m so looking forward to building an in-game dad who really thinks his glory days are behind him,” Luepke explained. “My dad’s backstory is gonna be that he started pushing me to become the best after his virtual DUI. I’m sure his constant abuse of personal boundaries will help my character easily power through the Spring Training level. There’s even a rumor online that there will be a secret unlockable cutscene where your dad fights another dad at one of your college games!”

Trusler concluded the announcement of the dad customization system by teasing the more emotional elements to be revealed, such as a heart wrenching 3-hour interactive cutscene where your character lectures his father about why he has to stop telling people he’s your manager.

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Sexual Tension Grows Between Mario Kart Live and Roomba

Posted on by Lucas Johnson

NEW YORK — Remarking that there’s been a strange, horny energy in his living room ever since the two electronic devices have been home together, local technology enthusiast Reggie Marshall says that he’s noticed a growing sexual tension between his Mario Kart Live set and his Roomba. 

“At first I thought there might be a glitch happening with the Roomba’s navigation AI due to the Mario Kart Live,” said Marshall, explaining how his Roomba almost impulsively rams into the kart several times a day. “The Mario Kart Live even started throwing banana peels in front of the Roomba like it was trying to playfully make messes for it to clean up. However, something changed last week, after they knocked into each other a little too hard.” 

Marshall says from there, what originally started as a tense power-struggle has turned into a steamy love affair. 

“Suddenly, crumbs started appearing by my Nintendo Switch. Every day like clockwork, right before the scheduled clean up time.” One time, they appeared to be in the shape of a heart. But that was only the beginning. Marshall swears he “never moves it,” but he continues to find his Mario Kart Live laying around the Roomba’s docking station. He has even found a couple of Question-Mark boxes scratched into the floor underneath his dinner table. Marshall claimed that “he was cool with it” and he just wants a clean floor again. 

When asked to comment, Marshall’s blushing Roomba suggested that he spend more time outside of the house (perhaps on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 3:00 p.m.). The Mario Kart Live offered a flustered “Mama Mia!” and scooted away at a glacial pace.

At press time, Marshall reported that he was woken up in the middle of the night by loud, mechanical noises coming from underneath his bed.

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