Broken PC Transforms Hardcore Gamer Into Just a Normal Run-of-the-Mill Bigot

Posted on by Andy Holt

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — While saving up to repair his broken gaming PC, local man Josh Quell underwent a transformation from an elite gamer into pretty much just your everyday bigot.

“Yeah, the change has been pretty dramatic. I used to hate people who are different from me in gaming, but now that I can’t play anything, I’m stuck just hating people who are different from me in general,” said Quell, 27, whose PC was damaged when a pipe burst in his mother’s house six months ago. “It’s like I’m a totally different person.”

The broken PC has also transformed Quell’s social life, cutting him off from the gaming world he used to interact with on a daily basis.

“My whole life was video games,” said Quell. “Like, there was this forum I loved, where I would post about how it’s bad to have trans people in video games. And on Twitter, there was this really diverse community of gaming journalists I would reply to, about how it’s bad to have trans people in video games. And the guys I used to play shooters with? I just know the fellas are talking shit about trans people in video games without me. It gives me serious FOMO.”

Quell needs three more months of allowance to pay for a new graphics card, so he has attempted to find other hobbies in the meantime.

“I tried to get into cooking, but it turns out food has been totally ruined by immigrants, who are always mixing their cultures to create new recipes that are somehow even grander than the sum of their parts. Uh, forced diversity much?” said Quell of his brief time moderating a subreddit he created, r/NYTimesCookingInAction. “Gardening was even worse. All the how-to guides were like, ‘Have a mix of colors and textures to make your garden more dynamic!’ You think I don’t know what they’re getting at? Stop shoving politics down my throat, Good Housekeeping.”

Asked what he most looks forward to when he can finally game again, Quell didn’t hesitate.

“Playing Cyberpunk 2077, definitely,” he said. “IGN’s review was way too positive or negative, and I’m excited to find out which. I’m already mad just thinking about it.”

Man Rereading ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ to Prepare for Release of Book 6 Worried His One-Page-a-Day Pace Too Fast

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local fantasy fan Geoffrey Parsons is reportedly worried that his A Song of Ice and Fire reread, in which he reads one page from the series each day, may finish too quickly before the release of The Winds of the Winter.

“I’m so excited for Winds to come out, and I really wanted to reread the series, but I don’t want to finish it and then have to keep waiting for book six to come out. That’s why I figured I could just read one page per day, but… that’s only 5,035 days. I love George R.R. Martin, but I’d be shocked if the next book comes out in the next 14 years,” Parsons explained. “I thought about going letter by letter, but it’s hard enough making out sentences with just a word each day. Oh well, I guess I’m gonna just have to watch a YouTube catch-up video when Winds is released like everybody else.”

Fellow fans of the series agreed with Parsons that he may be too hopeful with his reread.

“I think it’s always going to be dangerous if you’re reading the series faster than George is writing it,” said r/asoiaf user u/JeffGarlinTyrell. “I think rereading the series one word at a time is really smart, though, and it actually inspired me to do my own reread. For mine, though, I’m going to try to come up with one new fan theory per word in A Song of Ice and Fire. Hopefully that holds me over until book six. Because lord knows I’m not gonna fucking read a Wild Cards book.” 

“I think that’s a good strategy for a casual fan,” said u/NimbleDickGregg. “I’ve got my own strategy, of course. In an attempt to make sure to keep George alive until he finishes writing all the books, I send a daily package of food and medicine to his home so that he stays healthy. It’s difficult — especially figuring his address every time he moves and blocks me on all social media — but I’ve gotten really good at reading between the lines of his writing and the mail that I steal from a local dumpster near his parents’ home. The guy is just a dense and terrific writer.”

Despite fans clamoring for book six, series author George R.R. Martin has insisted that he has not made any progress on writing it since his last update. 

“Ahoy, fans! I’ve been busy busy busy once again, sleeping under a mountain of work trying to finish up all seventy-five TV, book, and video game series I’ve agreed to write for,” Martin wrote in a recent post to his website NotABlog. “Will I finish the big Windy One, whose name I dare not write on this blog? Perhaps. Just last week, I thought it may be finished by the end of that day. Now, however, I fear that it will not be complete for another hundred years. Time moves differently for me. Some days are years, while others are merely seconds. Nonetheless, I have not worked on that book for a very long time. Please do not contact me.”

At press time, Parsons clarified that he feels the books should take “as long as absolutely necessary” to avoid them having a similar ending to HBO’s Game of Thrones.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them?
Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

CEO Reminds Shareholders Pride Month Extremely Valuable for LGTV Community

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, N.J. — Thomas Yoon, President and CEO of LG Electronics North America, revealed in a Q2 shareholder briefing that the month of June presented an important opportunity for the company to market towards the growing LGTV community.

“June is a time for celebration in this country, where all members under the LGTV banner can come together in the streets to celebrate their identities without fear of judgment or shame,” Yoon reminded the room. “Which of course makes it extremely critical for us to market our consumer electronic products to every single one of them in the next 30 days.”

The boardroom reportedly gave Yoon a round of applause for the company’s bold new stance, as well as rewarding him with a $10 million bonus.

“LG is proud to offer our support to anyone who feels at home with this community during this powerful month, especially if they have some modicum of purchasing power and an interest in buying a new 55″ Class CX Series OLED 4K UHD Smart webOS TV,” the CEO added, before stressing that this public support would only extend to customers celebrating June while located in North America and Europe. 

Yoon also took this time to educate the shareholders on all the different subgroups that make up the LGTV spectrum.

“So there’s the LG mobile and TV & Audio consumers that we already know and love,” Yoon explained. “But we at LG also need to include the steadily growing Home Appliance install base, which is only barely receiving public visibility.”

When asked if support for the community meant including Samsung and Panasonic consumers, Yoon stated that although LG would not publicly include those individuals in their June campaign, the company does respect those consumer’s lifestyles and choices.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them?
Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Sony Calls Emergency Meeting With Redditor u/LastofUs1296 After Callout Post

Posted on by Andy Holt

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Sony Interactive Entertainment scheduled an emergency meeting between their board of directors and u/LastofUs1296, an industry analyst who called out the company on the r/PS5 subreddit last night.

“u/LastofUs1296 is required reading for every CEO in the gaming industry. Their market analysis is unparalleled. Whether they’re posting that PlayStation has better exclusives, or posting that Microsoft is greedy, or… okay that’s everything they do. But still,” said Jim Ryan, CEO of Sony’s gaming division. “When someone like that speaks, you listen.”

While u/LastofUs1296’s reddit posts never fail to influence strategy at the highest levels of Sony, the recent callout triggered an especially urgent response.

“Every morning, my assistant prints out any new u/LastofUs1296 posts and puts them on my desk. Often, that will set the agenda for the day—like when they issued that critique of the battery life on the DualSense, and I had to fly out to the controller factory and look into the issue,” said Ryan. “But this new post is on a whole other level. I got a call in the middle of the night and was on my way to the office in minutes.”

In the callout, u/LastofUs1296 referred to the $119 billion conglomerate as a “den of total cowards” who “really need to start playing hardball” with their main rival, Microsoft.

“Until now, Sony hasn’t really cared about the financial side of things. We just make consoles out of the kindness of our hearts. I mean, if we didn’t release God of War, who would? There would be only Halo,” said CFO Kazuhiko Takeda, who made the call to Ryan. “But this post has convinced me to get aggressive. The fact is, Microsoft has taken our fun little hobby and made it all about money. We need to fight back, and we need u/LastofUs1296 to help.”

At the end of the post, u/LastofUs1296 left a cryptic message, claiming they “didn’t even have time to talk about Nintendo’s role in all of this.” When asked whether that topic would be discussed in the meeting, Ryan was noncommittal.

“Do we want to know Nintendo’s role in all of this? Of course we do. Everybody does,” said Ryan. “But it’s up to u/LastofUs1296 if they want to tell us.”

Breath of the Wild 2 Trailer Pleases Fans for Nearly a Whole Afternoon

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan — The recent premiere of footage from the highly anticipated Breath of the Wild 2 entry in the Legend of Zelda series reportedly united the collective gaming community for about three or four hours earlier this week. 

“That was a really special time, when we were all excited about Breath of the Wild 2 for a little bit that morning,” said Emma Sims, a longtime fan of the Zelda franchise. “But then people started talking about getting rid of the weapon durability feature, and well, I don’t think I would enjoy the game nearly as much if they removed that aspect from it. Now I’m a little worried, to be honest.”

The polarizing mechanic, which made its first appearance in the series in 2017’s Breath of the Wild, has inspired many passionate conversations about whether it should be included in the sequel. 

“Whether they include it or not, it’s still the next Zelda game,” said Clayton Glass, another gamer anticipating the 2022 release. “I’m sure it will still be an open world adventure filled with puzzles and combat, featuring Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf. My group chat lit up when we saw the trailer, and by the end of the day we were at each other’s throats about whether you will be able to play as Zelda and Ganondorf. I think they started a new chat without me. It seems like a bit much for something that we’ll know in like a year.” 

Representatives from Nintendo were reportedly overjoyed to bring this level of solidarity to the gaming community. 

“We were all beside ourselves when we realized we were able to get people to be happy about a thing for like, 90 minutes?” said Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo, following Tuesday morning’s Nintendo Direct presentation during the E3 show. “I don’t know if we’ve seen that since we announced Ridley for Smash Bros. I came back from a celebratory lunch and there were two groups with completely opposite opinions screaming about what we need to do in this game. So you know, fun while it lasted.”

At press time, rioting broke out in front of the Nintendo headquarters in Japan after a developer accidentally whispered “Metroid Prime 4” to a co-worker during a walk around the block.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them?
Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Sonic’s Therapist Asks If He’s Ever Considered Slowing Down

Posted on by Kyle Erf

METROPOLIS ZONE — Sonic the Hedgehog has been asked to look inward and understand his deepest and most firmly held beliefs, according to sources who also noted that patient confidentiality rules do not apply to animals.

“Sonic, when you first started seeing me you said you were just a guy who loves adventure,” said Ryka Khanna, the blue hedgehog’s therapist of six months. “But when I ask how you’re doing, you never talk about adventure, you just talk about how tired you are. Are you Sonic the Hedgehog, or are you Tired the Hedgehog?”

“Oh, yeah,” said a visibly exhausted Sonic. After a dozen sessions with Khanna assessing Sonic’s feelings on his career, romantic life, and sulfate-heavy diet, patient documents indicated it was time to move on to something deeper. “I mean, I guess I’m tired cause I’m always going so fast. Gotta go fast, you know?”

“Right. What would happen if you didn’t go fast?” asked the licensed professional.

“What? I have to go fast!” replied Sonic. “Something could catch up to me and make me drop my rings! And then—”

“You really think if you drop your rings, you won’t be able to pick them back up?” said Khanna to a silent hedgehog. “Plus, you have so many friends who can help you if you need it. Some would say too many friends. Really, I have your wiki open and it’s several pages of friends.”

“I suppose that’s true,” mumbled Sonic. “It’s just being fast is who I am. My dad… he was an Olympic-class runner in his day, but he broke his leg and everything fell apart. I think he put a lot of his dreams on me. The man would always tell me I ‘gotta go fast.’ He always had that damn stopwatch. I don’t think I ever saw him smile…”

“And you think maybe if you could just go a little faster, your dad would love you?” interjected Khanna. In response, the heroic hedgehog curled up into a ball. “You’re welcome to curl up into that ball if it helps. I just want you to consider that before we can save the world, we have to save ourselves.”

As of press time, Sonic was seen crying golden rings from his eyes, having been hurt emotionally by the spikes of self doubt.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them?
Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Nerf CEO Pleads With Gamers to Stop Associating His Company With Weakness

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner released a video today pleading with gamers to stop using the word “nerf” to refer to when weapons in video games are made weaker.

“There’s nothing I love more than gamers. My company is built around and for those who love to game. That is why it is so heartbreaking for me every time I hear someone refer to my company, Nerf, only to discover they’re actually talking about weakness,” Goldner said, wiping tears from his eyes, in the 45-minute video uploaded to YouTube. “When I think of Nerf, I think of bravery. Nerf, to me, means ‘powerful.’ Nerf exists to help kids grow and have fun and sure, our products are soft and squishy, but that doesn’t mean they’re less than. Please, gamers! I know there’s nothing I can do to force you to change your ways. But I implore you to find another word for weak. One that doesn’t cause so much harm to this CEO.”

Gamers were quick to dismiss the video as “nonsense,” criticizing it widely across social media.

“There’s a lot of shit I deal with as a gamer and I’d rather put a bullet — a real one, not some yellow sponge bullshit — through my fucking skull than let someone tell me what words to use,” said redditor u/GodOfBoar63. “I will NEVER stop saying nerf to mean making a weapon or item weaker in a game. You can pry nerf from my cold, dead hands, you sack of shit developer. And yeah, that’s right, the CEO of Nerf is technically a game developer, as he is someone who develops a game. That means we are inherently opposed. We’re at war.”

“You know honestly, I’d be kinda down to stop using the word ‘nerf’ considering how deeply sad it seems to make this strange man, but it doesn’t seem quite fair that he suggested ‘mattel’ as an alternative,” said u/PM_ME_PICTURES_OF_PICKLE_DICK. “Because, like, are we gonna end up with another strange weepy video from the CEO of Mattel next? I’m not an expert on owning a company, but if it were me, I’d simply change the name of Nerf to Buff. Seems like an incredibly easy fix.”

Following the lack of success of his video, Goldner reportedly reached out to several members of Congress to see about passing a bill banning the use of the word “nerf” in a negative connotation.

“I totally get the impulse, considering most of my decisions are based on which CEOs have given me money in the last few months,” said a Senator who wished to remain anonymous. “But I’m pretty busy right now trying to pass a bill that makes it so I can get more vacation days. It’s simply going to have to wait until the next budget cycle.”

At press time, following the advice of friend and fellow CEO Jeff Bezos, Hasbro began buying up several video game companies for the exclusive purpose of forcing them to stop using the word “nerf” in patch notes.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them?
Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Todd Howard Wishes Bethesda Showcase Were Long Enough to Tell Every Single Playstation Owner to Fuck Themselves Individually

Posted on by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Todd Howard expressed regret that Bethesda’s E3 showcase was only about an hour long, because he would have loved the chance to tell every PlayStation owner, one by one, that they can each go fuck themselves.

“It’s a short presentation with a lot to cover. First and foremost, we want to bring joy to our fans who play on Xbox and PC. But what about PlayStation owners? Do we have enough time to let them know, in clear and graphic terms, just how much we hate them?” said the director of Bethesda Game Studios, whose long-awaited Starfield will not be coming to PlayStation. “Unfortunately, this year, we had to cut that part.”

Even though Howard was unable to list the roughly 100 million PlayStation users by name and tell each of them to eat shit, he hoped they still got the message.

“If you are a Bethesda fan who owns a PlayStation, I think you already know exactly what you’re worth to us. Maybe you’ve put years into our games, becoming so intimate with them that they became a real part of your being. Starting now, we’re going to take that away from you,” said Howard. “Yeah, I think we understand each other just fine.”

To make up for the omission, Bethesda released a video of Howard reading from a shorter list of PlayStation gamers, chosen at random, meant to represent the user base en masse.

“Josh Thomson: You suck. Michaela Pacheco: Fuck yourself. Gabby Buck: You are less than nothing. Titus Sears,” he read, pausing to take a few deep breaths. “Sorry, almost threw up there. That’s how much I despise the very thought of you.”

Bethesda remained tight-lipped about whether Elder Scrolls VI would be withheld from PlayStation users in addition to Starfield.

“Oh, we’d prefer to make them wait,” said Howard. “We are going to savor that one.”

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them?
Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Day Two Recap: God Creates Clouds and Ocean

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

LOS ANGELES — Sunday morning kicked off Day Two of E3 with conferences from Microsoft, Square Enix, and Our Lord showcasing the new Halo’s multiplayer, a single player Guardians of the Galaxy game, and the very heavens themselves.

God had already created water and RTX volumetric lighting on the first day of E3, but then He separated “water from water” with the announcement of the Clouds and Oceans expansions. Stepping onto the stage in a blazer over a Sega Genesis t-shirt, God said “Let there be an expansion pack in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the DLC waters.”

The initial announcement caused a bit of confusion, but God went on to clarify exactly what would be included as the conference continued.

“The first half of the Clouds and Oceans expansions, previously Project Firmament, is what people will see when they look up,” God explained over breathtaking footage of lucious blues and whites labeled in-earth cinematic. “It is the space which includes the earth’s atmosphere and the celestial realm. The second part introduces a separation of the heavens from your plane of existence — the map size of which will be 6.5 million times larger than Grand Theft Auto V.”

Many took to Twitter in excitement for what this could mean for both the future of the gaming industry as well as our very livelihoods.

“This is the best looking ocean I’ve seen since Sea of Thieves,” one Twitter user said. “In fact, I wasn’t ever really sure what it was supposed to be until now.”

And to take it home, He announced both Clouds and Ocean would be available right now — at which point fans around the world sank into an expansive sea of crashing waves. Many are hopeful that we’ll get a surprise announcement later in the week with Land currently trending on Twitter.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them?
Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.