Anime Character Brings a Knifegun to a Gunknife Fight

Posted on June 24, 2021 by Camden Brazile

NEO-TOKYO, Japan — Local anime hero Katsu Ichiro suffered a brutal defeat in a showdown with his nemesis Count Nakamura after he foolishly brought a knifegun to a gunknife fight.

Ichiro defended his mistake, citing some confusion among the weapons used for his profession. “Everything is either a Gunblade or a SoulBow or something, how am I supposed to keep all of that straight,” Ichiro said. “I would put labels on all my weapons, but my label maker is possessed by the soul of my dead brother.”

Ichiro’s infamous nemesis, Count Nakamura, claimed to be disappointed about his recent bouts against the protagonist.

“He should know his knifegun stood no chance against my gunknife,” Nakamura said. “I mean, a knife that shoots bullets versus a gun that shoots knives? That’s just plain unprofessional. Honestly, it makes me embarrassed to be known as his nemesis because that usually implies we are of similar stature and power. So does that mean I’m the same as this asshole? I hope people don’t see it that way.”

Count Nakamura went on to explain the implications of Ichiro’s forgetfulness.

“Just because he’s the Chosen One doesn’t mean he doesn’t need a filing system,” Nakamura said. “I shall easily destroy him and all of Neo-Tokyo, especially if he can’t learn how to color code.”

Old Man Jiro, the town weaponsmith, elaborated on the inspiration behind his weapons.

“What am I supposed to make a regular sword or a normal staff? Bo-ring!” Jiro said. “I’m currently working on my newest design, which is sort of a mix between a dagger and a flamethrower. If you can’t figure out how to wield that, it’s entirely on you, bucko. Old Man Jiro doesn’t make mistakes.”

At press time, Ichiro said he was just thankful that he wasn’t in an anime with “spells and powers and all that shit.”

Arby’s New Gamer Sandwich Uses N64 Cartridges as Buns

Posted on June 24, 2021 by Camden Brazile

ATLANTA — Popular fast food chain Arby’s has debuted a new “Gamer Sandwich” menu item consisting of a quarter pound of their signature roast beef sandwiched between two video game cartridges from the Nintendo 64 console. The sandwich is meant to be marketed towards video game players nostalgic for the days of retro Nintendo and warm, juicy Arby’s roast beef.

“We have found gamers will buy almost anything retro Nintendo,” said Arby’s Chief of Marketing, Dan Whitney. “I think people have been waiting for this combination for a long time, and we finally gave the people what they wanted.”

Twitch streamer and avid Arby’s fan Kyle Montgomery commented on the taste and flavor profile the Gamer Sandwich offers.

“It’s truly a match made in heaven,” Montgomery said. “The gooey, hot roast beef and the cold, crunchy plastic compliment each other. I actually got a rare Japanese Smash Bros. cartridge once, but instead of playing it, I slathered it in barbecue sauce.”

Arby’s Regional Manager Rachel Bergman spoke about the potential future expansion of the Arby’s menu to include even more gamer themed sandwiches.

“If things go well with this promotion, we plan on building upon the gamer sandwich down the line,” Bergman said. “For instance, we are currently focus-grouping a vegetarian alternative that also replaces the roast beef with a third N64 cartridge.”

In competition with Arby’s, this week McDonald’s unveiled their new seasonal ‘Gamer McRib,’ which upgrades the classic sandwich with a rumble pak.

Kotaku Headline Trying a Little Too Hard to Be Your Friend

Posted on June 24, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — A new headline on the video game website Kotaku about an upcoming video game delay is reportedly trying a little too hard to be friendly with its reader, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I saw people on Twitter saying that Flight Night 3 got delayed, so I googled it and got this Kotaku headline about it: ‘Uh Oh, Big Yikes Alert, It’s Lookin Like the Flight Night Devs Did an Oopsie and Delayed Their Game’ and it’s like… I’m sorry, do I know you?” said video game fan Cassidy Vickers. “I just feel like this Kotaku headline has a level of familiarity with me that I don’t understand. It would have been cool if it just told me the news without trying to act like we’re buddies.”

“And it’s extra weird because I know that Kotaku had some unfair shit go down with that whole GamerGate controversy back in the day, so I’m not trying to shit-talk it too much, but just because you have past trauma doesn’t mean that I have to be your friend,” Vickers added. “I already have a bunch of friends. Polygon and I have been tight since college, so if their Flight Night delay headline wants to call me ‘amigo’ or some shit, that’s because there’s an established relationship there. But you can’t do that if we just met each other.”

According to new Kotaku editor in chief Patricia Hernandez, the headline style is part of an effort to draw in more readers.

“There are so many places where you can get identical video game news these days, that it’s hard to stand out. Hell, if you’re looking to see if Flight Night 3 got delayed, you’re most likely to find out from a screenshot of an article in a tweet, which was then screenshotted and posted to Reddit,” Hernandez explained. “So in an attempt to stand out, we’ve been trying to make our headlines a little bit friendlier. Instead of simply saying ‘this new game is coming out tomorrow,’ we try to make our headlines a little more ‘hey dawg did ya know this new game is coming out… wait for it… tomorrow?!’”

“We want people to read our headlines and be reminded of their funny friend who took two improv classes before realizing he wasn’t that good at it. We want people to read our video game news and think about how it might ask them to crash on their couch for just a few weeks while it’s in town for a concert,” Hernandez added. “Is it ultimately the exact same story? Sure. But is it a little more fun? Not really, it’s still just video game news. But is it going to drive more clicks? Who knows! The internet is dead.”

As of press time, Kotaku, IGN, Polygon, Escapist, TechRaptor, Niche Gamer, Destructoid, PC Gamer, GameSpot, Rock, Paper, Shotgun, Game Informer, Fanbyte, Digital Trends, Waypoint, 1up, Joystiq, Screw Attack, and many other websites were all vying for your ad view on identical stories stating the new Flight Night 3 release date.

Earth Successfully Uninstalls McAfee

Posted on June 23, 2021 by Joe Tilleli

MADRID —The perpetually sunburned founder of McAfee Antivirus Software, John McAfee, was found uninstalled from planet Earth in a Spanish prison on Wednesday around 1 p.m. ET, authorities confirmed.

“Yeah I used to see notifications pop up about that guy all the time and would always ignore them, but I finally decided ‘fuck it’ and uninstalled him. Truly one of the most annoying people on the entire planet,” explained our heavenly father God. “I know he made an antivirus program, but I swear to Me that guy was often more of a virus on my planet than any of the shit he stopped. I know humans think that they’re the most important species on Earth, but that’s never been how I saw it. You know who’s number 1? That’s right: whales. Big beautiful whales.”

At press time, God was reportedly looking into how He could also brutally murder fellow antivirus programmer Peter Norton.

UPDATE: As of this morning, John McAfee appears to be alive and well despite the uninstallation steps God googled being followed to a tee.

EA Honors Pride Month by Announcing One of the Crowd Members in FIFA Is Gay

Posted on June 23, 2021 by Tyler Simpson

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — In honor of pride month, EA has announced that one of the crowd members in their long running FIFA franchise is gay.

“For too long, our sports games have featured absolutely zero representation of the LGBTQ community. FIFA is a global sport. A sport that transcends nation, race, and sexuality. Today, we’ve taken a massive step toward showing that in our game by featuring our first openly gay FIFA character: one of the crowd members seen in the background of some FIFA games,” EA CEO Andrew Wilson explained in an announcement.

Wilson then proceeded to go into replay mode during a game of FIFA, panned the camera into the crowd until stopping on an innocuous, particularly low-res man standing alone in the upper stands of the stadium.

“I would like to introduce you to Ted Burleson. He’s 47 years old and he loves two things: soccer and his gay husband George,” Wilson excitedly said over a static image of a low poly man in a white shirt, jeans, and holding a beer. “Ted has a story that will resound with many in the gay community. Although now a out and proud homosexual, it wasn’t always that way for Ted.”

“Ted had to overcome his heteronormative Christian upbringing and the expectations that came with it. In fact, Ted was actually married to a woman, with which he had two beautiful children. Despite loving his wife Tonya, things never felt totally right,” Wilson continued. “At the age of 32, Ted was done fighting and decided to live his truth. He came out to his wife, who was sad but supportive. Despite their marriage ending, they remain close friends. In fact, you can see Tonya standing with her new husband Gary.”

“They’re in an open relationship, which is also a huge first for the FIFA franchise,” Wilson said at the end of the announcement. “We put a lot of thought into Ted and his backstory. That’s how you know it’s really important.”

Longtime fans of the FIFA franchise praised the decision by EA to include Ted as the first gay character.

“FIFA? Oh yea that shit’s super gay,” said our 15-year-old cousin Joey when reached for comment.

As of press time, EA says they are adding a Ultimate Team card that unlocks a skin for Ted that makes him a lesbian named Tina for $14.99.

6 Must-Have Gaming Accessories That Just Happen to All Be Sold by Our Parent Company

Posted on June 23, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Playing video games with the top-of-the-line technology can be really expensive, but it’s 100% worth every penny of your hard earned cash to buy the best of the best. That’s why we’ve put together a list of just the absolute essential gaming accessories, and links to where you can buy them right now, coincidentally, using the store attached to the company that owns our website.

6 – Razer Blackshark V2 Headphones

The wired Razer Blackshark V2 gaming headset is a must-have for anyone who wants to be able to hear what’s going on around them in a video game. Getting killed too often in Warzone? It’s probably because you can’t hear all the footsteps! But don’t fret: you’ll be winning in the gulag in no time, thanks to this handy link that just happens to also put a few bucks in the pocket of our company’s boss-company’s boss.

5 – Corsair Ironclaw RGB Mouse

Playing video games on PC with a shitty mouse is like driving a car with square-shaped wheels: it’s really dumb. If you’re not scrolling through the timeline on desktop with the Corsair Ironclaw RGB mouse, then you might as well be playing with a damn wiimote. Luckily, though, you can limp your cursor across your screen with the shitty little mouse you have right now, click the link above, and buy a better mouse in just a few seconds. You could also highlight the name, google it, and buy it elsewhere, but then we wouldn’t get any money from it. Which is fine by us, of course. We’re not including the mouse here because it’s in our parent company’s store. It just happens to be the best one.

4 – Roccat Vulkan TKL Pro Keyboard

Am I typing on a Roccat Vulkan TKL Pro keyboard right now? No, unfortunately, I am not. But the keyboard I’m typing on is a piece of flaming shit. I hate its guts. So how do I know that the Vulkan is the top-of-the-line keyboard that every gamer has, even though I’ve never touched one before? Well, it’s the only keyboard that’s being sold in our parent company’s store as of right now, and I really trust the surrounding gaming accessories on the website! That doesn’t make the fact that I’m including it on this list any less coincidental. Hell, maybe it’s even more coisncidental now! Wanna know why? Oh wait, oops, did you see I put a typo on the word “coincidental”? That’s because my non-Roccat keyboard sucks so much. Anyway, what was I talking about?

3 – Dell S3220DGF Gaming Monitor

If you don’t buy a Dell S3220DGF gaming monitor from our store right now, I will be fired from my job, and I will fucking starve to death. I will fucking die. So yea, there’s that I guess. High contrast and brightness, color-accurate, 165Hz refresh rate, whatever who fucking cares. I’ll be dead in the ground if you’re not gaming on a Dell S3220dontgiveafuck in the next two weeks (we don’t do express shipping). Your move, I guess. Worms will be eating my eyeballs, but sure your monitor is “fine.”

2 – Logitech StreamCam

Any streamers reading this? If so, you’re gonna LOVE the Logitech StreamCam, which is far and away the number one webcam for streamers. With 1080p resolution, 60 fps recording resolution, and a 73 degree field of view, the $199 price tag for this camera in our parent company’s online store (which may or may not be more money than other websites) is a steal. Personally, when looking for which one to link to, we just googled it, closed our eyes, swung our finger around, and landed on this one. Could have been any store, but we happened to pick this one. So that’s the one we linked to. I’m still pissed off about the monitor thing, BTW.

1 – Neon Genesis Evangelion Big Titty Waifu Mousepad

OK this one you actually cannot buy in our parent company’s store, and I swear I’m not a pervert or anything, but this is actually an incredibly comfortable mousepad. I’ve tried a ton of different ones, anime and non-anime, and this one just makes my wrist feel really good. Whatever. You can buy it on Amazon.

Vampire Requests Invite to Open Xbox Live Party

Posted on June 23, 2021 by Dan Tomascik

FORKS, Wash. — Local vampiric gamer FaNg DaNKula was seen requesting an invite to an open Xbox Live Party in order to join it, as per the tradition that a vampire must be invited into a home to enter it.

“It’s never just a simple ‘invite pls,’ it’s always ‘it is not by my hand that I am unable to join thine party. I was trapped here by humans who didn’t even ask if I was finished with dinner’ or some garbage like that,” explained Damon Cullen-Helsing, who was playing Mortal Kombat when he received the request.. “I’m starting to think he just doesn’t want to play mirror matches with me. Or Dead by Daylight, which he says has an ‘offensive’ title. What a dick.”

This is not the first time that Cullen-Helsing has been called upon by FaNg DaNKula’s request for an invite. Cullen-Helsing, a member of the Mystic Falls Technical College’s Smash Bros. group, says DaNKula regularly trash-talks the group about their abilities in an attempt to receive an invite, but has yet to make an appearance to their open-to-the-public sessions.

“He’ll send me a Facebook message at like 3:00am, saying shit like ‘what is man, but a miserable pile of SDs lol,’ but then he’s never bothered to show up at the Stoker Center to actually compete,” Cullen-Helsing, a Simon main, added. “The only room that’s ever available to play in though is the solarium at like 2:00pm. Maybe that’s why.”

At press time, FaNg DaNKula was reportedly stressing out over not being able to game after his roommate got garlic all over his good Xbox elite controller.

Streamer Buys $1,000 in Audio Equipment so He Can Speak More Clearly Into Yawning Void of Nobody

Posted on June 23, 2021 by Andy Holt

TOLEDO, Ohio — Twitch streamer Sam Dolan has reportedly acquired over $1,000 in professional audiovisual gear, ensuring a clear connection with the gaping vacuum of absolutely nobody who watches his streams.

“I went with a $400 Shure SM7B microphone through a $650 Focusrite ISA preamp, because it’s the perfect combination of warmth and sensitivity, resulting in a crisp response,” said Dolan, who streams nightly into an emptiness colder than the deepest reaches of outer space. “You just can’t get that kind of quality with a USB mic.”

Dolan considered using cheaper gear and digital effects, but he worried latency issues would arise between himself and not a single Twitch viewer, ever.

“You might think a fraction of a millisecond won’t make a difference, but an audio delay can totally ruin the immersion for the audience. When there’s a big in-game moment, they want to hear your immediate reaction,” said Dolan, who did not clarify what “audience” he meant, as he has never reached anyone but the nameless void that lies beyond all things. “Last week, I saw a guy streaming to thousands of people with a Bluetooth headset. Embarrassing.”

For the local music store, Dolan was a new kind of customer.

“We get most of our business from guitarists who have never played a show, pianists who are going to quit in a month, that kind of thing,” said Dave Truman, owner of Truman Pro Music. “It’s exciting to know we’re accessing a new group: streamers who are pretty much just playing games on their own, with a camera and mic pointed at them.”

When reached for comment, Dolan’s Twitch chat responded with a silence so deep it gathered all sound and light into itself, shrinking endlessly into oblivion.

Rich People Greenlight 14 New Shows About Poor People

Posted on June 23, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — The wealthy owners of the most popular television networks and streaming services have previewed their fall slate of new shows, and among them are a record breaking 14 programs about what it means to be poor in America.

“We realize here at Netflix that the gap between the haves and have-nots is widening every day,” said Chief Executive Officer of Netflix Ted Sarandos earlier today on a conference call with investors. “That is why we have dedicated ourselves to offering as many tone deaf portrayals of poverty as best we can, all the while constantly increasing what we charge for people to watch these shows.”

One of the new series previewed was Minimum Rage, a new comedy about struggling millennials who hilariously have to take on a series of ridiculous side jobs in order to pay their bills. The series stars born billionaire and all around goofball Nick Kroll.

“This is a real passion project for me,” said Kroll, who has never once in his life put a garbage bag into a dumpster. “A lot of people have said that it is unfair to let the privileged and wealthy control the representation of the poor and working class, and I don’t know what to tell them. Sorry that I chose comedy over working at a coffee shop for the entirety of my twenties, I guess some of us just wanted it a little more.”

The new slate of shows has excited many of the nation’s destitute, who are reportedly in no way sick of dramatizations of their plight being a springboard for corporate executives to make profits.

“I absolutely cannot wait for some of these new shows to drop,” said Cindy Richmond, a New York City resident and avid television watcher. “Ever since I lost my job during Covid I haven’t really been able to afford much in the way of recreation aside from my Netflix subscription. Lord knows I could use a laugh. Maybe I will invite my diverse group of friends to come over to my large apartment to watch them after we meet up at a bar for the fourth time that week!”

As of press time, the people that came up with Quibi still have more money than all of us combined.