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Streamer Buys $1,000 in Audio Equipment so He Can Speak More Clearly Into Yawning Void of Nobody

TOLEDO, Ohio — Twitch streamer Sam Dolan has reportedly acquired over $1,000 in professional audiovisual gear, ensuring a clear connection with the gaping vacuum of absolutely nobody who watches his streams.

“I went with a $400 Shure SM7B microphone through a $650 Focusrite ISA preamp, because it’s the perfect combination of warmth and sensitivity, resulting in a crisp response,” said Dolan, who streams nightly into an emptiness colder than the deepest reaches of outer space. “You just can’t get that kind of quality with a USB mic.”

Dolan considered using cheaper gear and digital effects, but he worried latency issues would arise between himself and not a single Twitch viewer, ever.

“You might think a fraction of a millisecond won’t make a difference, but an audio delay can totally ruin the immersion for the audience. When there’s a big in-game moment, they want to hear your immediate reaction,” said Dolan, who did not clarify what “audience” he meant, as he has never reached anyone but the nameless void that lies beyond all things. “Last week, I saw a guy streaming to thousands of people with a Bluetooth headset. Embarrassing.”

For the local music store, Dolan was a new kind of customer.

“We get most of our business from guitarists who have never played a show, pianists who are going to quit in a month, that kind of thing,” said Dave Truman, owner of Truman Pro Music. “It’s exciting to know we’re accessing a new group: streamers who are pretty much just playing games on their own, with a camera and mic pointed at them.”

When reached for comment, Dolan’s Twitch chat responded with a silence so deep it gathered all sound and light into itself, shrinking endlessly into oblivion.