Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Guy You Just Met Thinks You Would Really Love Only Game He Played This Year

Posted on June 28, 2021 by Andy Holt

GREENSBORO, N.C. — The guy talking to you at this house party thinks you’re the kind of person who would enjoy Disco Elysium, the only video game he has played since early 2020.

“It’s actually more of a novel than a video game. Or, to put it another way, it’s a video game that asks some fascinating questions about what it means to be a novel. You seem like you would understand that intersection,” said the guy, whose name you don’t know because you’ve been talking for less than two minutes. “You should definitely check it out, for sure.”

While you attempted to move the conversation forward, the unnamed man was determined to keep the focus squarely on Disco Elysium, which he played so much during the pandemic that his real life, spent quarantined in his apartment, started to fade away.

“That’s something they explore a lot in Disco Elysium,” he said, when you told him you were getting another drink. “The main character is an alcoholic detective. As a matter of fact, the first chapter starts out with him waking up in this room, and he’s hungover, and…”

Based on the data available, experts could draw some rough conclusions about the guy.

“This guy has gone 13, maybe 14 months without direct human contact, and now he’s supposed to make small talk with a stranger? Give him a break.” said Dr. Teresa Vega, a professor of sociology at Harvard University. “Plus, it could be worse. At least it’s not a Dark Souls game.”

At press time, the guy was last seen taking a quick trip to the bathroom, just to decompress for a second.

Guy Attempting to Break Guinness Record for Eating Baseballs Under False Impression That Is a Thing

Posted on June 27, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Local resident Denny Houser has attempted to enter the annals of history by achieving the world record for eating baseballs in 60 minutes, a feat that is tracked by none of the major tracking organizations, confused sources have confirmed.

“This has all gotten so out of hand,” said Fred Donaldson, a friend of Houser’s. “We were just joking around one day about how Denny gets so hungry he could eat a baseball, and then I forget exactly how the conversation went, but he stormed out saying he would show all of us, and we didn’t think much of it. I figured he just needed to cool off some steam. Then a few days later we all got Facebook invites to whatever the hell this was.”

The event he spoke of was a gathering at the park near his house, where he invited friends and family to come witness his self proclaimed world record attempt at eating 14 baseballs in an hour.

“Come to my world record attempt!” read the post that was sent to his over 400 Facebook friends. “I’ve long admired both ballplayers and competitive eaters, and I believe I have figured out a way to cement my legacy in both fields! Come to Shelby Park next Saturday at noon, and bring a baseball! (Please note, I will be eating the baseballs.)”

Doctors were concerned with the possible digestive issues posed by consuming as many baseballs as possible in a short amount of time.

“I can’t imagine anything good would happen if you slowly ate a baseball over the course of a day,” said Dr. Maria Garcia. “Nevermind upwards of a dozen in an hour. Look, I know it sounds crazy when we hear someone ate 100 chicken wings in 5 minutes or something, but the important thing to remember is that it is still food we are talking about in those instances. Of course I’m here to root him on, but I am afraid of what might happen. If this man achieves what he is setting out to do, he will most likely die.”

As of press time, Houser had successfully eaten 14 baseballs and died.

Man Who’s Read 200 Books This Year Counts Graphic Novels

Posted on June 27, 2021 by Ian Yamamoto

NEW YORK — Steven Lloyd, a man who has allegedly read 200 books this year, includes graphic novels in his loose definition of what constitutes a book, according to sources.

“A couple hundred books a year isn’t even that much — anyone who’s impressed by that isn’t a real reader if you ask me,” said Lloyd, lovingly arranging his collection of Suicide Squad trade paperbacks next to a stack of Love Hina mangas. “Reading is like breathing for me. I’m just a naturally curious person who loves experiencing different lives through the eyes of others. I honestly pity people who don’t read as much as I do. If you aren’t reading, you aren’t growing.”

Goodreads creator Otis Chandler said his website made book measuring contests much more common, giving readers a reason to stretch their numbers.

“People walk up to me at parties and brag about how much they’ve read this year, but they forget that I can look up their reading lists,” said Chandler. “The guy who reads 300 books a year has a few Grishams in there along with a Thor: Dark World movie tie-in comic and a 1991 Archie Double Digest as well as a horizontal rectangle book of Garfield comic strips with a green plastic cover. And, of course, none of the 300 books is non-fiction.”

Lloyd’s girlfriend Nancy Williams claimed she had never seen him read an actual book.

“When he’s not reading comics, Steven mostly plays computer games, but he tells me they’re ‘visual novels’. He says he’s reading Telltale’s Batman right now. After that, he says he’s going to read Apex Legends,” said Williams. “One time I caught him playing a dirty Japanese game and when I confronted him, he wasn’t embarrassed at all. He said he was reading an erotic tale and that it was his 103rd book of the year.”

At press time, Lloyd was seen bragging about his stock portfolio after putting all his money into GameStop.

Asshole D&D Player Can’t Make Session Because ‘Their Parents Died’

Posted on June 27, 2021 by Naomi Krause

MIDDLETON, Wis. — Local dipshit and occasional tabletop gamer Christian Taylor has cancelled on his supposedly regular Dungeons and Dragons group yet again with the flimsy excuse of “my parents died.”

“I mean, if you don’t want to play D&D, you don’t have to. It should be a fun thing we do because we like it, not an obligation,” said group dungeon master Amber Cruise. “But come on dude, you can’t keep missing sessions like this with tired excuses like ‘My parents were in a car accident’ and ‘My dad is fine but my mom’s in critical condition’ and ‘Nevermind they’re both dead.’ It’s obvious you’re just too much of a bitch to drop out.”

The rest of the party shared Amber’s frustration with Taylor’s erratic schedule.

“We’re just sick of our party being so small,” said fellow player Connor Schmidt. “He’s super fun to play with when he’s actually around, but it’s just not worth it lately. Oooh your baby sister was in the car too, wow so heartbreaking. The party hasn’t had a cleric in a month, you dick. Our action economy is fucked.”

When reached for comment, Taylor brushed off the group’s concerns and was kind of a dickhead about it.

“What? I don’t have time for this shit I’m planning a quadruple funeral and I just found out that I might have Parkinsons,” said Taylor, crying. “Just make an NPC healbot or something if it’s that big of a deal, Jesus.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Cruise claimed she had heard it all before and wasn’t buying it.

“It’s just so disrespectful to everyone else’s time,” said Cruise. “I’d be more understanding if we were still playing in person, but we switched online on Roll20 last year when Covid started. Even if I bought his crap, hospitals have Wi-Fi. Keep your commitments.”

When reached for comment, neither of Taylor’s so-called “parents” responded, not wanting to be dragged into their son’s poorly constructed web of lies.

Opinion: You Could Never Make ‘Friends’ Today Because I Would Stop You

Posted on June 27, 2021 by Camden Brazile

As culture progresses, it is no surprise that some media products fail to stand the test of time. Things that may have been acceptable to poke fun at in the moment have become actual societal issues that we address with sincerity. The hit television sitcom Friends is one of those infamous shows that, looking back, had some serious problems with homophobia, misogyny, and even fatphobia — and that’s not even the biggest reason you couldn’t make Friends today. The biggest reason is that I, alone, would stop you.

I simply refuse to allow Friends to return. The show was inconsiderate of its audience in many characters and plotlines, especially during the stretch from the first scene of season one to the season finale, when they made the controversial choice to be an incredibly shitty TV show.

Did you really think iCarly, Roseanne, and Will & Grace were the first-choice sitcoms to be rebooted? Of course not. They tried to bring back Friends multiple times, but I put a stop to it immediately. In fact, in the early 2000s, when I feared a reboot most, I kept Matt LeBlanc chained up in my basement as a fail-safe.

If you, a television executive, are reading this, know that I will stop at nothing to put the final nail in the coffin of this atrocious show, before setting the coffin on fire and pushing it into a ravine. The moment I hear those four claps in the theme song, rest assured I will be on the next plane to stop your sinning via legal injunction or physical harm.

While you may be sad that this show will never be made today, it’s actually a positive. The fact that we as a society have progressed and changed and become more tolerant is a good thing, and as we look back on the past, we can appreciate how far we’ve come as people since then. What’s more important than any reboot is that we have grown to be more accepting of each other, and also that Friends sucks fucking balls and I will unleash a world of hurt on anyone who tries to reboot it for even a single episode.

Review: 20 Years Later, Majora’s Mask Is Still a Revolutionary Game I Haven’t Played

Posted on June 26, 2021 by Camden Brazile

According to Wikipedia, The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask is “A Video Game Released in 2000.” But if you ask me, it’s also much more than that. Some more Googling has convinced me that Majora’s Mask is a timeless classic, and just because I have never played it in my life doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate its value.

Majora’s Mask is a cornerstone of nostalgia for gamers everywhere, except me of course. While I have not experienced the gameplay or the atmosphere, I understand it was groundbreaking for the time. The game marked a pivotal point in gaming culture, I’m pretty sure, and I bet the mask mechanic was an inventive way of unlocking new paths and side quests. (Right? This is the “mask” game, isn’t it?)

Majora’s Mask was also one of the stranger entries in Nintendo’s iconic series, ditching the more straightforward storyline of Ocarina of Time and leaning into the weirdness of its lore, according to what I’ve heard. Some of the more surreal sections of the game remind me a lot of David Lynch’s masterpiece television show, Twin Peaks, based on one of the clips of an episode I saw floating around in a meme on Twitter a few months ago.

But don’t just take my word for it. Reliable sources like my older brother Tyler and his best friend Kevin have gushed about the game’s innovative storyline, which I understand is something about the moon. And while the game had a recent HD remake for the Nintendo DS, I still feel the storyline is best experienced in its original glory for the Nintendo 64, because that’s another thing Tyler and Kevin always say.

The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask has left a permanent stamp on gaming culture as a whole, so don’t let whether or not you have actually played the game stop you from lecturing people on its place in history. If you want to experience Link, his funny robot sidekick, and his trusty battle tank, I suggest you pick up The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask today. Or just skim the reviews on Youtube. Same thing.

Disney+ Announces ‘Young Baby Yoda’ Spin-Off

Posted on June 26, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Following the recent successes of sitcoms like Young Sheldon and Young Rock, the Disney Plus streaming service has officially announced its newest Star Wars spinoff, a Mandalorian prequel called Young Baby Yoda.

“Yeah, he’s a child, but he’s also 50 fucking years old,” said Executive Chairman of Disney Bob Iger. “You know what that means, right? More stories, baby! We here at Disney don’t believe in letting one fucking year of a fictional character’s life go to waste, so it’s time to answer the questions fans never had. Like did Young Baby Yoda shit in a diaper? And uh, did Young Baby Yoda, uh, eat … stuff? I don’t know, we’ll figure it out later!”

Fans were overjoyed to hear that they would be getting some insights into the beloved character whose backstory in no way requires further clarification.

“This show is going to be amazing,” said Lucas Benton, a lifelong Star Wars fan. “Sometimes I’m watching the classic movies and I can’t even concentrate, because I find myself wondering what most of these characters were like as children. Like yeah, okay, you’re thwarting evil in an intergalactic war, but I think most of us are really interested in what kind of grade school student Princess Leia was, you know? Glad they’re finally getting around to filling in giant gaps that that awful Mandalorian show left open.”

The show will be executive produced by Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni, the same team behind the smash hit series that preceded it.

“If all goes to plan, we’ll be prepping Newborn Young Baby Yoda by the winter,” said Favreau. “And then we’ll probably do something on a cellular level, get into Midochlorians and all of that. What was it like when Baby Yoda was conceived? We have to go younger. We simply must.”

Young Baby Yoda joins an already announced slate of upcoming Star Wars spinoffs which also includes Tiny Jabba, Lil’ Ackbar, and Baby Mace Windu.

Universal Confirms ‘COVID-19’ Will Join the Family in Fast & Furious 10 After Being Villain of F9

Posted on June 26, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif. — Universal Pictures has confirmed that the 10th film in the “Fast Saga” will prominently feature the COVID-19 pandemic as part of the “family” after being the villain of Fast & Furious 9 and 2020 in general.

“We have a long-standing tradition here with the Fast & Furious movies where the villain of one movie gets to become one of the good guys in the next. We’ve done it with The Rock, we’ve done it with Jason Statham, and we’ve done with a handful of other villains that I don’t remember, I’m sure,” explained Universal Pictures CEO Peter Cramer. “This year, we can all agree that the villain of F9 was the COVID-19 pandemic. It delayed our favorite movie, it killed millions, and worst of all, it separated families. Thankfully, we can all agree to put that aside when a new baddie is looking for a powerful MacGuffin and we need to turn to COVID-19 to help us stop them, knowing that the virus is willing to sit behind the wheel of a sportscar and shut that baddie down.”

Longtime fans of the series are reportedly excited to see how COVID-19’s character evolves over the course of the next two Fast movies.

“As long as it’s not revealed that COVID-19 killed Han, I don’t care what it does. I’m more than happy to welcome it to the family by the next movie,” said longtime fan Said Hamer. “Has COVID-19 practically ruined my life? Sure. But I’m fine with it being a good guy in the next movie so long as it drives a cool car, drinks Corona Extras, and isn’t an obvious replacement for Paul Walker’s character.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Fast & Furious star Vin Diesel has also praised the work of COVID-19.

“I definitely butted heads with COVID a lot, but it was never as annoying as The Rock,” Diesel explained. “I just sat down COVID and looked it in its little red squiggles and said, ‘Remember, this is my movie. You don’t get to do a spin-off.’ And I think it got the deal. You may have been a big shot when you were running rampant, infecting people all over Italy and the world and shit, but you’re in Vin’s world now. Put that in the contract.”

At press time, COVID-19 apologized for saying that it had ravaged people in the “country” of Taiwan.

Opinion: I Think Batman Does Eat Pussy and He’s Really Fucking Good At It

Posted on June 26, 2021 by Cathy Herbert

I’m not normally vocal about the public affairs of Gotham. My place is the private sector and I’m just a random businessman. While I don’t condone the actions of the vigilante who stalks our streets at night, of one thing I am certain: Batman gobbles puss, and he rules at it.

It doesn’t take the world’s greatest detective to figure out that Batman loves scarfing snatch. And when you consider how meticulous and thorough he is in all his other endeavors, it’s a short stretch to say he licks circles around any other professed pussy paramour in town. I, of course, have no dog in this fight, as I don’t know the guy at all, but I just felt like this was something that absolutely needed to be said. Someone — anyone — needed to defend Batman’s honor, so why not a random person he has never even met?

Let’s break this down. The shape of his mask is a sure sign of Batman’s intent to dance the Batpusi every chance he gets. It’s not a guard for his secret identity, that thing is a splash guard. But it’s not just the refreshing taste of Butterfly-Stroke-O-Cola that Batman craves. He wants to service the people of Gotham. Fully service them.

Batman will not just go down on you, as far as I can tell, as an observer from afar; he will go down on you with no desire for reciprocation. He doesn’t need his bat pole slicked in return for slurping your hot chai latte. He’ll be happy for the opportunity, and he’ll be sure to spend all night showing you how much he bat-preciates it. Can the Flash take it slow? Doubtful. Can Superman do anything with subtlety? No. But any cave can be the Bat Cave under the expert touch of Gotham’s number one sardine can fan.

Maybe you’re asking: “Bruce, why do you care about Batman’s twat teasing reputation?” I don’t. I care about the vagina owners of Gotham. People who for too long have had to put up with mediocre muff dives from pinchy penguins, two-faced tongue twiddlers, and police commissioners who don’t know how to properly use their spectacular mustaches. Gotham needs a head hero, and I can tell just by looking at the guy, that hero is Batman. Rest assured, whenever a coochie is dry or a vulva is in need, the Caped Cunnelinger will be there to answer the call. No complicated gadgets on this mission, just one focused, flicking, bat tongue that will take you to Frotham City every time.

So to the women of this city, cat and otherwise, I say patch a call through to the bat phone next time you need a lick me up. Just don’t expect to hook up with him at one of my parties, he never comes. I guess he’s too busy making sure you do.

Jedi Apologizes and Agrees to Attend Counseling After Explaining He Thought Red Lightsaber ‘Just Looked Cooler’

Posted on June 25, 2021 by John Sartori

CORUSCANT — Local Jedi Knight Randor Holobon says he regrets showing up to a routine peace-keeping mission wielding a red lightsaber, in what many have called a distasteful and offensive display of ignorance.

“I always wondered why so many Jedi used the same green sabers, so I thought I’d spice things up with a customized red one,” said Holobon, nervously thumbing through a saber-sensitivity hologram he received from the Jedi Council human resources department for his upcoming counseling sessions. “I really didn’t know that could be considered offensive. I just want everyone to know I’m not that kind of Twi’lek.”

“I didn’t even really need to turn the saber on that day,” Holobon explained, tears welling up in his seven eyes. “It was just a routine trade dispute, but I was so excited to show it to everyone.”

Other Jedi close to Holobon seemed to echo the public sentiment that the debacle is a huge blow to the Order’s already shaky reputation.

“The damn thing is red, for Force’s sake. These young Knights just don’t know their history,” said Kitt Fisto, a Jedi Master from Coruscant with tentacle-dreads. “He’s lucky no one tried to duel him. We tend to get a little jump after a dramatic red lightsaber reveal.”

As with many issues throughout the galaxy, however, there are differing opinions on both sides of the fence-made-out-of-energy-beams.

“I can feel his embarrassment and shame. They make him stronger, weirdly,” said a hooded figure who chose to remain anonymous under threat of death, while steepling their fingers. “Everything goes according to plan.”

At press time, Holobon said that after finishing his Jedi Order-mandated counseling he hopes to spread awareness through the Force about the color red.

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