Bloons Tower Defense 4 World Cup Held in Quiet Corner of Middle School Library

Posted on July 19, 2021 by Ben Doyle

TOMS RIVER, N.J. — Palpable excitement is building in the quiet corner of the Manchester Township Middle School library as four promising eleven-year-olds prepare for the final rounds of the Bloons Tower Defense 4 World Cup.

“Wait, am I in trouble?” said competitor Brian Fisher, in a recent post-game interview. “I was just trying to, uh, learn about monkeys? And this freaking thing popped up. This freaking game, I think. I think it’s a virus or something. But actually I’m learning a lot, like, about how monkeys are. Like how monkeys have to use a sniper rifle to defend their habitat sometimes. So it’s cool, actually. You don’t even need to tell Ms. Leiberman about this.”

Hannah Brice, one of the three fans in attendance, insisted that this year’s event would be bigger than ever.

“Fisher and Gilligan have really changed up the meta this year,” said Brice, taking a swig from her juice box. “I’ve never seen someone use the Monkey Buccaneer to neutralize lead balloons like that. It’s a revelation. And in tandem with Fisher’s signature Glue Monkey Gambit? I mean, the game is just never going to be played the same way again. When he introduced that strat back in ‘19, I was like, ‘wow, I think I like-like him!’ But he’s a whole grade above me, so I guess I’ll keep on dreaming.”

Saul di Nappoli, one of the event’s key organizers, expressed his excitement for the eSport’s growing popularity.

“It’s a real game of skill, like chess or… I don’t know, bedding a woman,” said di Nappoli, ruffling one of the players’ hair. “Not that any of these stinkers would know anything about that! Yeah, they probably don’t even know what sex is. But they sure do love that balloon game, I’ll tell ya’ that much. And you know who else loves that balloon game? A whole bunch of people on the internet, apparently. Or maybe they just like watching the kids. I don’t know. It’s all technically above-board, though, so there’s no need to involve Ms. Leiberman.”

Debra Leiberman, the Vice-Principal of Manchester Township Middle School, seemed concerned about the event’s logistics.

“Oh, is that horrible man in our library again?” said Leiberman. “Oh dear. Oh, goodness. Excuse me.”

The Bloons Tower Defense 4 Finals is scheduled to take place during 4th period, assuming Justin Gilligan can be excused from chorus this week.

The Top 5 Funniest Netflix Screenshots of All Time

Posted on July 18, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

There are some insanely funny television shows and movies on Netflix that simply cannot be explained with just words. That’s why we’ve collected the top five funniest Netflix screenshots of all time and listed them out for your viewing pleasure.

#5 – When THIS happened

Oh my god. I’m crying looking at this again. I genuinely cannot believe they got away with saying this on the show after so many years. It’s honestly a wonder this show wasn’t canceled after they pulled this off. I mean look at his FACE in this picture!! Holy shit, I’m losing it so freaking hard right now LOL

#4 – Open the door and…. UH OH!

This is probably one of the most iconic moments in any comedy, so you know we had to include it on this list. Honestly thank god this is streaming on Netflix because if you haven’t seen this before, you need to drop whatever you’re doing, murder whoever you’re with, and plop down onto your couch to watch this classic INSTANTLY. Words cannot do this joke justice, so just… look at it. Look at it in all its glory.

#3 – akshgkla;shgklahs

I am genuinely jealous of the editor who gets to pull these screenshots later, because I’m going off just memory right now and even from that alone, I’m freaking crying. Tears are streaming down my face, I am laughing so hard. Yeah, you’re gonna wanna leave this one up for a little while to soak in all the little details. Zoom in on the bottom right if you’ve never seen it because WOW. HOLY SHIT. Netflix screenshots are my fucking LIFE

#2 – Sometimes the hardest truths are the ones we have to look inward to find

This is probably one of the most touching pieces of art to come out in the last 10 years. Is it technically a comedy? I don’t know. I didn’t laugh a single time while watching it, but it’s billed as a comedy and talked about like it’s a comedy, so I think it counts as a comedy. Watching this was basically therapy for me. As soon as it finished, I reevaluated my entire life. Everything that came after this — the divorce, leaving my job, shaving my head, moving to another country, releasing my pet lizards back into the forest — is a result of what I learned about myself from watching this. So yeah, maybe it’s not the “funniest” screenshot on Netflix, but it definitely has earned its spot on this list, because it’s probably the most important screenshot on Netflix. Everything leading up to this… and then this. It’s just indescribable, to be honest. When I look at the other screenshots on this list, I think, “oh my god I’m crying 🤣” but when I look at this screenshot, I think “oh my god I’m crying 😔.”

#1 – THE POOP FOUNTAIN

HOW DID THEY EVEN CLEAN ALL THAT POOP OFF??? THERE’S SO MUCH POOP!!!!!

Konami Confirms Next Silent Hill Will Be Exclusive to Your Imagination

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Gabe Porter

TOKYO — Konami has confirmed they are partnering with Bloober Team to create a new installment in the long-dormant Silent Hill series, which will be coming out exclusively within your head.

“We are excited to finally give you assholes what you’ve always wanted. A new fully next-generation Silent Hill experience that will exist only in your horrible minds. No longer will you whine and complain under our tweets. Instead, you can just simply shut your eyes and enjoy whatever you weirdos like about this series,” Konami President Takuya Kozuki said. “With the help of Bloober Team, this new piece of Silent Hill will be exactly what you’ve dreamed of, since it will consist entirely of your actual dreams. Please do not worry, however, this will not slow down the development of our various Pachinko machines.”

Bloober Team was excited to work with a world-renowned publisher and a historic video game franchise.

“Well, I’ve always been a fan of Silent Hill and Konami in general,” said Todd Gunther, a Bloober Team member. “It is daunting to try and make every fan happy, especially with how divisive the last games had been. Luckily with our new Imagination Engine™, we can create something that will please everyone. I mean, if we want to get into the brass tacks we are simply selling you an empty box with a Silent Hill logo on it, but just imagine what kind of game could be inside!”

Fans were ecstatic to take another walk through the foggy streets of Silent Hill.

“With it being only inside my mind, I can create whatever I want,” Silent Hill fan Harry Sutherland said. “I can finally remove everything I’ve hated about the latest installments. The overuse of Pyramid Head, gone! The lack of engaging stories, gone! Now I can use my imagination to relive Silent Hill 2 over and over again.”

Reports from insiders also claim that Hideo Kojima and Guillermo del Toro will be returning to work on the new installment, if that’s what your imagination cooks up.

George Jetson Quietly Sings Own Theme Song to Remember If Wife’s Name Is Jane or Judy

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Jake Menez

ORBIT CITY — George Jetson, a longtime employee of Spacely’s Sprockets, was overheard by colleagues earlier today as he quietly tried to remember the words to his own theme song before heading home to greet his family.

“It was right about closing time and I heard George muttering to himself,” said Jetson’s colleague and sentient computer, R.U.D.I. “It sounded like he was singing a little song about himself, naming all the members of his family in turn. But every time he got to the part about his wife he stopped and looked confused. I offered to Google the lyrics for him but he got really defensive and threatened to unplug me”

When asked directly about the matter, Jetson only became more agitated.

“I’m a good guy, okay? I love my family and I work hard to provide for them. It’s just the damn alliteration that gets me mixed up when it comes to my wife and daughter. That’s all it is. I know everything else about the people I love,” said Jetson on a phone call from the privacy of his flying automobile. “Our robot maid is an XB-500 model we got on the cheap. My son Elroy’s favorite food is spaceloaf. Hell, I even remember that little springy alien who lived with us for a bit was named Orbitty! But I’ve been addressing my wife and daughter as ‘hey, you’ for the past eight months. I’m in too deep to admit I forgot who’s who.”

Jetson’s boss, Cosmo Spacely, claimed he expected this sort of behavior from his employee.

“I fire that space case Jetson on an almost weekly basis,” he admitted, “but being the nice guy I am, I always hire him back to keep the status quo. He always seems to have some sort of issue. Last week he told me he had a bowling tournament the same day as his wife’s birthday party and he was going to try to attend both. Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about old Jetson too much. He usually resolves his issues in thirty minutes or less before things go back to normal.”

At press time, George Jetson was trapped spinning endlessly on his outdoor treadmill after a mishap while walking the dog, still unsure which name to yell so his wife could stop the crazy thing.

Psychiatrist Asks Streamer If Chat Is in the Room Right Now

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Steven Porfiri

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — During a session with a Twitch streamer, psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Gibbons asked the patient if this nebulous “Chat” was present in the room at that very moment.

“Chat’s actually poppin’ off right now,” said the anonymous patient, according to a transcript from Dr. Gibbons’ research. “They want to know what settings you’re running.”

The transcript shows that the doctor, apparently confused, began to describe the recording device he was using to log the session.

“Oof!” replied the patient. “Major oof! Major Oof reporting for duty! Bigbaddad420 says ‘broooo just get a Shure,’ man I hear that! Fs in the Chat for [Dr. Gibbons’] busted-ass mic.”

Through sessions with dozens of patients, Dr. Gibbons has uncovered a complex relationship between streamers and the Chat. This mysterious entity can be either helpful, harassing, or even “dead.” The streamer often believes its state is tied to their current actions.

“Chat gets LIT AF when I’m on a solid Apex killstreak,” one patient explained, “but sometimes they can get really harsh if I fumble an easy kill. Or if I forget to thank one of them for subscribing. Or if I talk about my boyfriend. Or, like, mention he exists.”

In his research, Dr. Gibbons concluded that many patients felt compelled to satisfy Chat by “streaming” more often and for longer hours, and in extreme cases, they could even feel a compulsive urge to make purchases based on Chat’s whims.

“I had one patient explain that if Chat finds out that they don’t have something called a ‘Battle Pass,’ sometimes known as a ‘Season Pass,’ the Chat will move on to someone that does,” wrote Dr. Gibbons in his notes. “While it would seem that being passed over by Chat would save them quite a bit of grief and misery, patients remain eager to win Chat’s affection.”

In addition to published research, Dr. Gibbons also reported his findings to the public daily through Instagram stories, Fleets, exclusive Patreon posts and other outlets.

“Man, listen to this guy,” he said in a recent TikTok post, which showed a patient crying about their divorce. “This shit is so wild.”

Top 10 Games We Felt Like Listing, Fuck It

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

Video game lists are what keep the lights on at important gaming websites like Hard Drive. But did you know it’s not enough to just list the games? No, you must also include a superfluous introduction paragraph, one that restates the very simple premise of the article that you already perfectly understood. With that said, here are the ten games I just thought of because we’ve been trying to post more lists. I dunno.

10 — Portal 2 (2011, PC)

It’s fucking Portal 2 guys, you think it wasn’t going to be on this list? Suck my dick.

9 — Fortnite/Warzone/Roblox/Minecraft (Various)

Boss said these had to be on there.

8 — Bigfoot (1990, NES)

This was one of the best monster truck games for the NES, which clearly puts it in the running for best monster truck games of all time. Just save your turbos and use them at the end of the race you guys, it works every time. Also, could someone email me if they have figured out how to get past the hill climb? Almost put this one higher.

7 — Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (2006, Nintendo DS)

Never played this one. What do you want me to say? I thought the movie was pretty cute, though. It has definitely been a while since I’ve seen it, so maybe it doesn’t hold up.

6 — Blast Corps (1997, N64)

There’s actually quite a few reasons this 1997 Rare release made the list. It’s an absolute blast to play (pun intended lol), but yet it is somewhat overlooked in today’s retro gaming landscape. Additionally, its timed missions were an absolutely original blend of puzzle solving, driving, and destruction, unlike very many games we’ve seen since, and certainly bearing little resemblance to anything else released around that time. Also, Craig borrowed this and never gave it back so I think about it a lot.

5 — Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions (2014, Various Platforms)

Really fought to get this one on the list. Pew pew!

4 — The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (2009, Nintendo DS)

Lot of people aren’t going to believe this one is so high, and that’s fine with me, as long as you quote tweet this article and tag me in your response to it. And then follow me (and Hard Drive). Then we can argue about Zelda.

3 — WWF No Mercy (2000, N64)

I was just thinking about No Mercy. Do you remember that shit?? No Mercy, baby!

2 — Portal 2 (2011, PC)

Oh fuck I forgot to mention the co-op. Seriously go play Portal 2 right now, it’s so good, dude. If you need a co-op partner, feel free to DM me. This article was really quick for me to write, so I have a ton of free time right now.

1 — Castlevania: Sympathy of the Night (1997, PS1)

This is sort of an obvious choice to top the list, but come on, it’s the only choice. This prequel to Castlevania One tells the story of Simon Dracula and his attempts to destroy everything he sees inside of his stepdad’s house. Would go on to influence classics such as Metroidvania and Super Metroidvania. A must play for true gamers.

Kid Whose Uncle Works at Nintendo Doesn’t Have Any Secrets But Will Have Job at Nintendo

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

REDWOOD, Wash. — Local gamer Artur Underwood reportedly has an uncle who works at Nintendo who probably can’t give him any secrets about upcoming video games, but can get him a job at Nintendo after he graduates from high school.

“OK yeah so I don’t know when Breath of the Wild comes out. You get me there. But I will know that I’ll just get an internship whenever I want just because my uncle works there,” Underwood said. “Maybe that’s not worth any clout on the ResetEra, but I think I’m always gonna have to go with nepotism in the end. One day, I’ll look back on my Nintendo empire, and I’m pretty sure I won’t think, ‘damn, I wish I knew more about the next Pokémon game so I could brag to Tyler in 10th grade Social Studies class.’ But who knows?”

Despite Underwood’s confidence, his friend Tyler Beck disagrees with his assessment of the coolness of the situation.

“Bro, how does your uncle LITERALLY work at Nintendo and you don’t know shit?!” Beck reportedly asked Underwood at lunch. “You don’t even know what your uncle does at Nintendo! His job is basically just Guy Who Will Get You A Job When You Graduate. What the fuck? Who gives a shit about your career or whatever, don’t you want to know who’s gonna be in the next Smash Bros? Don’t you want to dig through Nintendo’s stash of fan games they confiscated from developers? Don’t you think they have, like, secret sexy fanart of Zero Suit Samus and shit? Honestly, I’m embarrassed you’re so focused on your career. You could have been a man of the people. You could have spilled all the secrets for the world to see. Instead, you’re just gonna ‘get a job,’ whatever that means. Grow up.”

At press time, Underwood had already secured an interview for an internship at Nintendo, having been told that when he gets the job, he will join the other interns in charge of making Nintendo Online run better.

Peacock Debuts New ‘We Give You Three Bucks a Month’ Plan

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

PHILADELPHIA — Facing an increasingly competitive streaming marketplace, Comcast has announced its newest subscription tier for its struggling Peacock platform, one wherein users will receive three dollars a month to keep using the service.

“We really thought we’d have a bigger market share by now,” said Matt Strauss, Chairman of Comcast. “It’s bad. Like, we’re not competing with Netflix or Hulu, which okay, fine, but we’re losing to Tubi and PlutoTV and shit. I thought some of those were just joke names! We have got to start getting competitive if we want to cement ourselves as the fifth or sixth best streaming platform available to consumers right now. That’s why we’re gonna give you three bucks a month to keep Peacock around.”

Although the newest subscription tier is very competitively priced, many still weren’t sure if it was worth it.

“Hmm, I definitely like free money and 30 Rock reruns,” said avid TV fan Jessica Mitchell. “But I’m not sure it’s even worth the hassle. Three bucks isn’t that much, and now it’s just one more password to remember and app to log into on all my devices. Nah, I think I’ll just keep watching stuff on HBO Max, Amazon Prime, Crunchyroll, Shudder, Apple TV, and Disney Plus. I’m also thinking about getting Paramount.”

The move was prompted by the failings of Peacock’s previous cheapest model and recent reports that it only has around 11 million active users.

“We made it free with ads and we literally cannot give this thing away,” continued Strauss. “I just don’t understand it. That’s why we ripped up our ‘People Will Pay Ten Bucks A Month Just Because We Have The Office’ plan and are back to the drawing board. We’re even looking at offering several different users on the same profile three bucks a month. It sounds crazy, but we could do this for a few years and still lose less money than Quibi did.”

As of press time, Peacock revealed that Kevin Hart would stop by and watch his new Peacock talk show with anyone that thought that sounded fun.

Man Arrested at Niagara Falls Just Wanted to See If There’s a Cool Cave or Something Back There

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Camden Brazile

NIAGARA FALLS, N.Y.— Local gamer Bryce Townsend was arrested by police at Niagara Falls today on grounds of felony, trespassing, and reckless endangerment. According to Townsend, he was only climbing down the falls to check if there was a cool cave or something back there, with “maybe a little bit of treasure.”

“The fact that I was arrested only reinforces my belief that there’s something cool back there,” Townsend said. “It could be gold, weapons, or even a secret boss fight. I’ll find it. I guess the Easter egg I did technically find is that if you try to go behind the Niagara Falls, you will be tased by four cops simultaneously. But the dialogue wasn’t even that interesting and I didn’t get a single special item, unless I get to keep this jumpsuit or these handcuffs.”

Police Captain Winston Parsons commented about Townsends attempt to scale the waterfalls.

“It’s just rock back there, honest,” Parsons said. “It’s certainly not a large treasure chest containing an amulet that will grant you an extra life. Why would you even suggest that? It’s definitely not that. This interview is over.”

The mayor of Niagara Falls, Robert Restaino, also denied any sort of secret areas or treasures in the city.

“Just another crazy man trying to imitate his precious video games, huh?” Restaino said. “What does he think he would even find? Like a large, ornate chest that contains a mythical amulet that would grant the wearer and extra life? Ridiculous! There’s only one treasure in the city of Niagara Falls: our wonderful and kind community. And if anyone tells you about an ancient sword that grants its wielder a +15 attack bonus, they’re a fucking liar, alright?!”

At press time, Townsend tragically died trying to attack a prison guard without quicksaving right before.

‘Skip Ad’ Button Appears on Screen for Entirety of Space Jam 2

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Tyler Simpson

LOS ANGELES — The Federal Trade Commission has legally required Space Jam: A New Legacy to feature a “skip ad” button on the bottom right-hand corner of the screen during the entirety of the film’s run time.

“The FTC is saying that Space Jam actually has more in common with an advertisement than a film, but those dumb idiots don’t know jack shit about movies!” said Warner Brothers CEO Ann Sarnoff. “Firstly, ads are like a minute, tops. Space Jam has a run time of two hours! That’s way longer. Secondly, ads are usually just trying to sell you some bullshit product that you don’t need. But we’re trying to sell you a bunch of really awesome products! You really do need them!”

When questioned about the toy line, shoe collection, and other various merchandising tied with the new Space Jam, Sarnoff pushed back.

“Harry Potter has been hawking junk for over 20 years, but the government didn’t feel the need to step in for them. And, by the way, we are so excited to finally join the Wizarding World and Space Jam world together,” Sarnoff said. “We’ve got a really great denim jacket with Sylvester the Cat riding a broom chasing after Tweety Bird, who is made to look like a golden snitch and it says ‘I tawt I taw a sorting tat!’. It’s gonna sell like gangbusters!”

“But most importantly, Space Jam: A New Legacy is an opportunity to make an artistic statement through the medium of film,” Sarnoff continued. “It’s a monocultural event with heartwarming messages that will appeal to everyone around the globe like, ‘Believe in yourself. Anything can be achieved through the power of friendship. Never give up on your dreams. Nike is a great shoe. Rewatch Game of Thrones. Remember The Matrix? McDonalds is super yummy! Denim jackets are making a comeback.’”

Despite the “skip ad” button, fans have seemingly not noticed anything odd about the movie at all.

“I liked that Daffy Duck was in it,” said one fan on Reddit. “He was funny.”

As of press time, Warner Bros is reportedly hard at work on a sequel that will feature Zion Williamson and the Tune Squad teaming up with the sniper from American Sniper to stop terrorists from stealing all the world’s LEGO bricks.