REDWOOD, Wash. — Local gamer Artur Underwood reportedly has an uncle who works at Nintendo who probably can’t give him any secrets about upcoming video games, but can get him a job at Nintendo after he graduates from high school.
“OK yeah so I don’t know when Breath of the Wild comes out. You get me there. But I will know that I’ll just get an internship whenever I want just because my uncle works there,” Underwood said. “Maybe that’s not worth any clout on the ResetEra, but I think I’m always gonna have to go with nepotism in the end. One day, I’ll look back on my Nintendo empire, and I’m pretty sure I won’t think, ‘damn, I wish I knew more about the next Pokémon game so I could brag to Tyler in 10th grade Social Studies class.’ But who knows?”
Despite Underwood’s confidence, his friend Tyler Beck disagrees with his assessment of the coolness of the situation.
“Bro, how does your uncle LITERALLY work at Nintendo and you don’t know shit?!” Beck reportedly asked Underwood at lunch. “You don’t even know what your uncle does at Nintendo! His job is basically just Guy Who Will Get You A Job When You Graduate. What the fuck? Who gives a shit about your career or whatever, don’t you want to know who’s gonna be in the next Smash Bros? Don’t you want to dig through Nintendo’s stash of fan games they confiscated from developers? Don’t you think they have, like, secret sexy fanart of Zero Suit Samus and shit? Honestly, I’m embarrassed you’re so focused on your career. You could have been a man of the people. You could have spilled all the secrets for the world to see. Instead, you’re just gonna ‘get a job,’ whatever that means. Grow up.”
At press time, Underwood had already secured an interview for an internship at Nintendo, having been told that when he gets the job, he will join the other interns in charge of making Nintendo Online run better.