Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

PS5 Feature Confirmed: Fall Damage

Posted on July 22, 2021 by DiMaggio Orozco

Great news! We finally got our hands on the PlayStation 5 and were able to play around with it, confirming once and for all that Sony’s newest video game console does, in fact, have fall damage.

After playing around with some of the main features of the console, namely running Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart and Netflix, we decided to test out some of the features that other websites have seemingly left go unreported. Well, after walking up to the roof of a 15 story Brooklyn apartment, and letting it fall onto the pavement below, we can say for sure that the PS5 has fall damage for sure. Utilizing next-generation procession power, the console immediately burst into hundreds of small pieces and spread across the ground in just a matter of seconds.

Unfortunately, however, this rendered nearly all other features included with the PS5 relatively useless. We couldn’t get the system to start up when we plugged it back into our televisions, there was no disc drive to put discs in, and we couldn’t even get the controllers to connect. Even the fall damage itself seemed to have some limiting effect, because after repeatedly dropping the console, we found it to have less and less damage with each attempt.

This is fairly consistent with previous Sony consoles, however. Fall damage is an incredibly important part of video game history, having been a mainstay feature on literally every single console (excluding, of course, the mobile console: the Nokia 6110, which played just one game — Snake). The Nintendo GameCube even famously built its entire hardware around the feature, including a handle on the back for gamers to more easily carry the device up their stairs and drop it onto the ground below from their rooftops.

That being said, we are happy to report that the new DualSense controllers that come with the PS5 have a similarly responsive fall damage feature. This is a majorly important feature for consoles, because gamers love the immersion they feel when they throw a controller onto the ground after losing a fighting game against bullshit tactics, or even dying once again to a tricky boss.

For gamers looking for a console with excellent fall damage, the PS5 is a perfectly good decision. For more information on which console to purchase, look out for our article about how the Xbox Series X responds to being repeatedly smashed with a hammer.

Worried College Student Calls University Health Services After Roommate Returns With Multiple JRPGs

Posted on July 20, 2021 by David Sitrick

COLUMBIA, Miss. — Noah Marquez, a sophomore at Missouri University, reportedly called the university health center after discovering that his roommate Leon Collier had come home from GameStop with a bag full of new and old Japanese role-playing video games, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I love Leon so much, I really just want to make sure that he’s OK. We had to watch all those videos freshman year about what to do if you’re worried your friend is becoming addicted to JRPGs, so I followed the first step and asked for help. Hopefully it’s not too late,” Marquez said. “I hope that I somehow wasn’t missing the warning signs. I did notice him talking about Chrono Trigger a lot more recently, but I figured he was just messing around here and there. There’s not really such a thing as a gateway video game, right?”

Despite Marquez’ fears, some of his peers believe that he was taking things too seriously.

“College is when you’re supposed to mess around and experiment with stuff. So yeah, maybe you stay up all night every weekend jamming out to JRPG after JRPG. When you’re young, your body can handle it, so now’s the time when you should be doing crazy shit like that,” said Marquez’s friend, Caitlin Horne. “Plus, I heard you get a free A if your roommate ODs on video games.”

For Collier, however, the trip to the school’s medical center has been a wakeup call.

“I made it all through freshman year without so much as an issue. Maybe I’d play a little Final Fantasy on weekends, but nothing major. But once summer classes started up, I fell apart,” Collier said. “JRPG addiction runs in my family, but for some reason, I thought I could just play in moderation. Well it turns out that I can’t. I think from now on, I probably need to just avoid any sort of JRPG in general.”

“I just hope people aren’t weird when I show up to parties,” Collier added. “Just because I’m JRPG-sober, doesn’t mean I wanna play some fucking American RPG or whatever. I’m fine with Mario, thank you.”

Werewolf Hunter Keeps Forgetting Silver Bullets Kill Regular People Too

Posted on July 20, 2021 by Camden Brazile

CEDAR CITY, Utah — Werewolf hunter Mattias Grimm has been under fire recently for a series of botched werewolf hunts while patrolling the city at night. Grimm’s reasoning has been called into question and he claims that he keeps forgetting that his specialized silver coated bullets kill regular people too.

“It’s so easy when you’re out there to forget,” Grimm said. “Sometimes I’ll unload a whole clip into a suspicious guy and then it hits me. I feel so embarrassed! For a while, I retired the silver bullets and started just hitting them with my car, which turns out kills humans too. Suffice to say I am in a lot of legal trouble. But I think everyone in town knows I’m a good guy at heart!”

One of Grimm’s surviving victims, Mark Leibowitz, commented on Grimm’s mistakes

“He saw me digging through my trash can at night, so he shot me in the kidney, pancreas, and then the spine and the knee,” Leibowitz said. “Even though he insists they were special werewolf bullets, they seem to hurt like regular old bullets. Don’t even get me started on that silver tire iron he uses!”

Another local citizen Margaret Sims expressed her concerns about the werewolf hunters methods.

“He doesn’t even hunt at night,” Sims said. “So if anyone he shot even was a werewolf, we would never know. How do you forget that shooting someone with a bullet kills them? It’s literally a bullet with more metal around it. Furthermore, I’d wager a regular bullet kills a werewolf too. It’s a fucking bullet.”

This is not the first blemish on Grimm’s track record, however, as most townspeople remember when Grimm drove a stake through the heart of the town minister who he believed to be a vampire, a tactic that, again, would kill pretty much anyone.

Jackass 4 to Feature ‘Abolutely Fucking Twisted’ Footage of Steve-O Continuing to Improve His Life

Posted on July 20, 2021 by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — A new trailer promises Jackass Forever will depict Steve-O doing “all kinds of sick shit” to further his personal journey toward health and wellbeing.

“You’ve seen Steve-O get twisted, but this time we really kicked it up a notch,” said Johnny Knoxville in the trailer, which includes shots of Steve-O eating a healthy snack of yogurt and berries, keeping in touch with loved ones, and staying vigilant about his sobriety. “I’ve always said I never throw up, but there were a few times I couldn’t hold it in.”

Paramount hyped the movie as the most extreme Jackass ever made.

“Steve-O wouldn’t come back if we didn’t let him push the envelope,” said a representative from the studio. “Audiences are going to laugh, scream, and gasp when they see their favorite goofball do bonkers stunts, like taking life one day at a time, maintaining a positive outlook, and setting concrete goals that enrich himself and those close to him.”

Steve-O seemed to confirm this sentiment, promising this next installment would show an “even more radical side” of his personality.

“When I look back now, my old stunts feel super tame. You know what’s really extreme? Loving yourself,” said the actor, who revealed the title of his favorite new stunt, Steve-O Takes a Short Break in the Afternoon to Meditate. “It’s like getting hit in the balls, but better.”

Details remained murky about Bam Margera’s firing from the project, and whether it had anything to do with him harshing Steve-O’s general vibe.

Breaking: Jeff Bezos Has Been Murdered by Galaga Ships

Posted on July 20, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

VAN HORN, Texas — Reports have been confirmed that Jeff Bezos’ inaugural voyage into space ended abruptly this morning after he was completely blown apart in every way by what NASA have confirmed are Galaga ships.

“It’s really funny, we were just getting ready to tell everyone that Galaga was real,” said Bill Nelson, administrator of NASA on the iconic 1981 Namco shooter. “We had a report coming out in the next month or so and everything. I just can’t believe the timing of all this. Anyway, yeah, from what I saw on the broadcast, he encountered a pretty big formation of them up there, and he did his best, but the firepower on the New Shepard capsule was minimal, to say the least. So he fucking got blown up and is dead now.”

The ship that delivered the fatal shot, reportedly one of those green and yellow bastards, quickly led its fleet away from the battle zone. Many have speculated that knowledge of the Galaga squadron’s legitimacy may become an important factor in the ongoing space race between American billionaires.

“Oh shit, Branson and Musk better fuse their shit together and make a double ship!” said Rodney Manch, a local loiterer. “That is crazy, but when you think about it, we’re learning more about UFOs and stuff all the time. So I guess there’s Galaga up there. Wow man, that’s fucking crazy! Hey do you know if it is true that space turned him inside out and he was nothing but an asshole when they found him?”

Andy Jassy, who took over as Amazon’s CEO just two weeks ago, paid tribute to his former boss, who was reportedly worth over 2 billion dollars.

“We here at Amazon will greatly miss our leader and friend, Jeff Bezos,” began a statement issued by Jassy shortly after this morning’s events. “All employees will receive an additional five minutes of unpaid grieving time this afternoon, should they wish to mourn Mr. Bezos. We will never know if he felt the excruciating pain of being turned inside out, nor if he reflected in his final moments on how the residents of the blue Earth below might celebrate his grisly demise, but we do know that he finally got to space. He must have been really happy in the moments right before he realized his hubris would be what got him just completely ripped to shit. Rest in peace, sir.”

At press time, officials confirmed that the event thankfully did not end in tragedy, having discovered that everyone besides Bezos on the ship was totally okay.

Lemming Who Made It Through Level Can’t Shake Survivor’s Guilt

Posted on July 20, 2021 by Ashley Naftule

UNDERGROUND CAVE — A local lemming who survived crossing a narrow bridge over a large cavernous hole after watching many of his friends fall to their deaths reportedly feels guilt about making it out alive.

“Oh god, oh no! Oh my god they’re all dead. They’re all dead,” said the nameless lemming. “Why me?! What did I do to deserve life while so many others fell to their death? All I did was walk. I just walked straight ahead like I was supposed to. We all made it through so much together and now they’re all gone. How am I supposed to go to my friend’s wife and say that he died?! No… we all look the same… I have a moral obligation to stand in for him. Take on his life and his place in society. It’s what he would have wanted. It’s the only way I can live with myself.”

Despite the lemming’s concerns, other lemmings seemed to be less phased by the event.

“Who gives a shit?” said another nameless lemming who we’re pretty sure was different from the first one, taking a long drag from a cigarette. “You walk in a straight line, sometimes to your death and sometimes not. If you’re lucky, you get to be a blocker for a little bit. Most of the people you know will die. Eventually you die. That’s the fucking job, man. And if you aren’t up for it, then maybe you shouldn’t have signed up for this shit.”

According to those familiar with the situation, however, a group of lemmings are working to unionize in order to argue for better working conditions.

“We lemmings need to stick together and demand a better workplace!” said one of the lemmings, speaking anonymously out for fear of retribution, despite the fact that no one could possibly tell which lemming said what. “We want to decide, from now on, which way we get to walk. If there’s a big hole or a fire or spikes, we should be allowed to not walk right into them! This is the dawn of a new era for lemmings.”

At press time, everyone interviewed in this article fell into yet another large cavernous pit.

Overpowered Child Destroys Balance of Tag

Posted on July 20, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

GREENVILLE, S.C. — A new addition to the student roster at Franklin Elementary School has completely destroyed the competitive meta of playground tag, according to several sources at the school.

Brayden Samuels, 7, recently enrolled in Ms. Grey’s first grade class after his family relocated to the area. While many students were initially excited about an unexpected mid-season addition to the roster, most now feel that Brayden is too strong in his current state.

“He’s just so big for his age, how is my little Aiden supposed to compete with this?” said Kelly Taylor, local mother. “He has better stats, longer reach, and no obvious weaknesses or counterplay. I can’t believe the teachers let such an overpowered child participate in playground games.”

School administrators claim their hands are tied, as school policy for transfer students is very clear. Dislocated children, also known as “DLC,” are allowed and encouraged to participate in all school activities without a waiting period. However, some students are considering quitting the game if Brayden is allowed to play un-restricted.

“I finally tagged him and he said ‘nuh-uh I have a counter so actually you tagged yourself!’” said a teary-eyed Jaiden Sanders, 6. “And then I said ‘that’s against the rules!’ and he said ‘where in the rules does it specifically say I can’t have a counter?’ and then I said ‘that’s not fair!’ and then he said ‘my dad says life’s not fair,’ and then I called the teacher and the teacher said ‘they don’t pay me enough for this,’ and walked away.”

Brayden’s parents insist that the school should wait and let the meta develop before taking any drastic action, though they acknowledge that he may be a bit overturned.

“My son? Yeah he’s busted,” said Elaine Samuels, Brayden’s mother. “Top 1 kid in the school, free. Not one losing matchup, we’re so proud. It’s not bullying, the other kids need to get good. Just adapt!”

At press time, Brayden was unavailable to be interviewed as he claimed he was invisible as long as he kept his eyes shut.

Useless Bartender Doesn’t Know Jack Shit About Town Goings On

Posted on July 20, 2021 by Andy Holt

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Fitzpatrick’s Beer & Wings has faced a wave of complaints about their pointless bartender, Noah Burke, who doesn’t know jack shit about what’s happening in town.

“You expect a bartender to have working knowledge of basic stuff, like job openings, unsolved murders, criminal organizations, political scandals, generational feuds between families, ghosts haunting the schoolhouse — all the cool shit, basically,” wrote Yelp reviewer Trish Finnegan. “But this guy couldn’t tell me diddly squat. I don’t understand why they even put him there.”

Other visitors were able to get information from Burke, but later complained that his leads took them to “dead ends” that were “totally devoid of loot.”

“I told the barkeep I’m looking for points of interest. Places where there’s a lot of coin changing hands, if you catch my drift,” said Cornelius Noir, a freelance assassin and thief who watched soccer at Fitzpatrick’s last Thursday. “He sent me to the mall. You believe that? What am I going to rob, Maggiano’s Little Italy?”

Burke, 23, requested patience while he learned the finer points of the job.

“I thought bartending would be mostly pouring drinks. Boy, was I wrong,” said Burke, who now dedicates all his free time to memorizing classified ads, watching streams of city council sessions, and developing a network of child spies who infiltrate every community and report their findings to Burke before his afternoon shift. “But I’m getting the hang of it, I swear.”

Further questions were cut short when Burke had to wipe a spot on the counter, which he does every 15 seconds, eight hours per day.

Brave: This 25-Year Old Man Is Not Afraid to Admit That Minecraft Is a Little Scary Sometimes

Posted on July 19, 2021 by Christoph von Münchow

NESQUEHONING, Pa. — Local man Gavin Trujillo has inspired friends and family after publicly admitting that Minecraft can be “a little scary sometimes.”

“I’m not afraid to say it,” Trujillo confirmed, insisting his statement go on public record. “Minecraft can get a little spooky. I mean, there’s all these mobs that wanna hurt you when you’re mining in the caves or at nighttime, like zombies, spiders, and skeletons. What’s not to be afraid of? And when you’re playing alone and you hear one of them behind you? No thank you!”

Trujillo’s stance has resonated with his friends, who hold regular group sessions to be less scared of the monsters together as a group.

“Gavin’s a hero for saying what we were all thinking,” said Reese Malcolm, Trujillo’s roommate. “Now a bunch of us, all in our mid-to-late 30s with full-time jobs and committed relationships, play on a server so we can all go exploring together. We all spend the in-game day doing the exact same task so that way no one is on their own, and as soon as the sun goes down, we go to bed and skip to the next day so then we don’t have to deal with any bad guys like… like the Enderman,” Malcolm said, shivering.

But while some have found solace in Trujillo’s bravery, others have expressed disapproval.

“hes a lil bitch lol” said Trujillo’s 10-year-old cousin Shawn in a statement via Instagram DM. When asked for a follow-up comment, Shawn declined.

Trujillo was undaunted by the criticism, insisting that he actually enjoyed “lots of pretty twisted stuff” outside of Minecraft and was not, in fact, a lil bitch.

“I’m a big movie buff, especially when it comes to horror flicks,” he said. “Slasher flicks, grindhouse, even torture porn: I love all that stuff. But those creepers? That’s just too much!”

At press time, Gavin Trujillo announced that he and his Discord channel had no intentions of ever exploring the Nether for fear of those “freaky ghasts.”

Cool Dude Tells Everyone in Match Good Luck and Have Fun

Posted on July 19, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Local cool dude and gamer Kirk Snyder wrote “good luck, have fun!” to massive praise at the beginning of a match of Chivalry 2 today, according to those familiar with the situation.

“‘Good luck, have fun.’ Four words that completely changed the rest of my day,” said Buster Yoder, one of the players in the game. “When this awesome guy showed up and told me to have fun… I don’t know, something changed for me right then and there. I had the most goddamn fun I’ve ever had playing a video game in my life. Right after, I called my boss and quit my shitty job. This is a new Buster! It’s all different now!”

Other players in the match agreed that Snyder’s message changed their outlook.

“I main archer in Chivalry, so I’m used to people just calling me ‘gay’ all day. Hell, even the characters in the game yell at me for being shameful,” said another player, Alejandro Brock. “But this guy ksnyder69 put everything in a whole new perspective for me just by saying ‘good luck, have fun’ at the beginning of the match. And you know what? I actually am gay. I DMed my best friend right after the game to tell him and it turns out he had the exact same realization! He came over and we made out a bunch and now we’re dating. All thanks to ksnyder69!!”

Snyder, however, says that he was simply doing the right thing.

“I say ‘good luck, have fun’ because I want people to have good luck and I want them to have fun. Simple as that,” Snyder said, flashing a sexy grin beneath his cool sunglasses. “And at the end of every game? I say GG. Because every game is good to me. That’s just how I roll.”

At press time, Snyder tragically died of a brain aneurysm.

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