Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Aunt Beru Pretty Sure Anakin in Some Kind of Cult

Posted on July 29, 2021 by Collin Preciado

TATOOINE — Upon meeting him for the first time, Beru Whitesun started to suspect that her fiancé Owen Lars’ step brother Anakin Skywalker was deeply involved in a religious cult.

The revelation occurred over dinner when Skywalker made several references to an ancient invisible power called the Force, while complaining about several members of his congregation called the Jedi Order including Mace Windu and Coleman Trebor.

“I’ve seen a lot of strange stuff, but I’ve never seen anything to make me believe there’s one all-powerful force controlling everything,” said Beru. “Even if there was, why would it make me live on a sandy monster-filled planet ruled by giant space slugs? I know a cult when I hear one, and that dude’s in one.”

Anakin Skywalker was originally a slave on the planet Tatooine until a middle-aged man named Qui-Gon Jinn won him in a podracing bet and took him to Coruscant to join his religious group. Sources say that it had been over a decade since Skywalker had been on the planet and many expressed shock at how much he has changed.

“His mom said he was sweet and kind, but he’s been nothing but a giant raging asshole since he’s been here,” said Cliegg Lars, Anakin’s stepfather.

“I don’t want to pile on the dude since his mom just died in insinuatingly disturbing circumstances,” began Beru looking over her shoulder in hushed tones, “but I overheard him talking to his uppity rich girlfriend that he was going to be the most powerful member of his cult someday. Oh, and then he told her he killed an entire village of sand people, and not just the men if you get what I’m saying. And then they started making out! Freaks.”

“It’d kill me if those two ever had kids,” Beru added.

Activision Blizzard CEO Mad That Employees Keep Releasing Same Complaints Over and Over

Posted on July 28, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Following a tumultuous week of abuse and harassment claims at the offices of Activision Blizzard, CEO Bobby Kotick released a statement slamming his own employees for reissuing essentially the same allegations over and over, with not enough variation to warrant their own press releases.

“Enough already, we get it,” he said today, regarding the most recent wave of allegations to come forth from employees and journalists alike. “This is like 95 percent the same as the last complaints, they just threw a Bill Cosby hotel room photo in there and expect this to stand as its own story. It’s very insulting to me, an executive. I spend my hard earned money on those hotel suites!”

Gamers did not share Kotick’s frustration with recent events.

“No man, I love this shit,” said Gary Pickford, an avid gamer . “Watching powerful men pay the piper after years of misogynistic bullshit never gets old to me. I’ll open this article every fucking time you put it out, to be honest. I don’t necessarily want to revel in the pain and suffering of others, but the routine public mortification of these assholes is pretty comforting to me. I don’t mind that they’re all mostly the same, it’s just what I like!”

Employees of the company have stated that they don’t anticipate an end to the long-running series of complaints anytime soon.

“Frankly, we’re learning that there will always be an audience for finding out what absolute pieces of shit made some of your favorite games,” said Gwen Statler, a former employee of Activision Blizzard. “Between the positive response we’ve seen from the gaming community, not to mention the horrifying backlog of stories we haven’t even gotten into yet, we anticipate this series of grievances will continue for years and years to come.”

As of press time, it is rumored that the next allegations from employees of Activision Blizzard will feature something called the Kevin Spacey Gulag.

Activision Blizzard Accountant Prefers Inverted Y-Axis

Posted on July 28, 2021 by Joe Tilleli

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Following recent allegations against the embattled publishing giant, an accountant on staff at the video game holding company Activision Blizzard spoke out regarding their preference for an inverted Y-axis when viewing financial performance.

“It just feels better to me for some reason,” said the Activision Blizzard accountant who requested anonymity. “When a company is being talked about a lot in the press, their stock value should go up automatically. It’s exactly like when you pull down on your co-worker’s ponytail to get her attention and she lifts her head up in your direction. But no, instead, every time I go to check our stock prices, everything’s going the complete wrong way.”

“This used to be the default, you know. But now it’s so annoying,” the accountant continued. “I need to go through all of these annoying menus and click all these different buttons to manually flip the graph’s y-axis the way I like it. When will this industry be held accountable for the pain it’s inflicting on poor people like me?”

At press time, the accounting department signed an open letter to the NYSE demanding the stock exchange implement some sort of “bumper jumper” system that lets accountants jump their numbers more easily.

HBO Funds New Cult to Film Documentary Miniseries About

Posted on July 28, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Cable television network HBO funded a new cult called The People’s Messiah in order to film a 10-episode documentary miniseries The Messiah Tapes, to come out this fall. HBO hired character actor Lyle Mcleod to play the head of the abusive religious cult, which ended in the death of Mcleod and 73 different members in April.

“True crime miniseries are our cheapest and most popular shows to produce by far. But what do you do when you run out of true crimes to document? You start making your own true crimes,” said HBO Richard Plepler. “We’re really proud of the work that Lyle was able to do with The People’s Messiah cult and what the directors of The Messiah Tapes were able to do with the audio of his religious rambling in order to tell a fascinating narrative that taps into the modern American zeitgeist. We’re also really proud of the exclusivity contract we signed with the cult to make sure those fuckers at Netflix can’t make absolute shit about it. Suck our dicks, Netflix.”

Before his death, Mcleod spoke candidly about the process of being casted to grow and run the HBO-funded cult for three years before the release of their docuseries.

“The auditions were pretty rigorous, but holy shit am I glad to have gotten this role! It’s the performance of a lifetime and the perks are pretty sweet. I’ve had a pretty unremarkable career and no one has ever said I was good looking, but all of the sudden all these people are acting like I’m a beautiful genius! I know I have to kill myself at the end, but boy oh boy was it worth it,” Mcleod said. “And the coolest part? None of the other people involved in the project are actors. Well, of course, I mean they are actors in the sense that we’re all actors in God’s plan to destroy the universe, as explained in the song ‘Harvester Of Sorrow’ by Metallica, unless we all sacrifice our mortal bodies by drinking from the forbidden chalices of death. But they aren’t SAG or anything.”

Following the announcement that the cult was funded by HBO, however, there has been some pushback from other groups.

“These guys are HBO?! Are you kidding me? We’ve had a monopoly on funding cults for decades and these fuckers think they can just waltz right in and steal our whole shit for some docuseries? Fuck!” said CIA agent Clive Murphy after hearing the news. “Those fucking hacks probably didn’t even use it as a pretense to advance their own political agenda!”

At press time, HBO was reportedly looking into how they could resurrect Mcleod to allow for a season two of The Messiah Tapes.

Dominatrix Anime Available Exclusively With Subs

Posted on July 28, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — A new Japanese anime show titled Whip It: The Dominatrix Tale has ended it’s first season and will be available in the United States with subtitles, also known as subs, and no option for dubs.

“Like the characters dominated by our hero Yua Kurokawa in Whip It: The Dominatrix Tale, our show will cater exclusively to the sub community,” explained showrunner Asuka Takahashi. “The weak little viewers that want to watch our show in English will be forced to read every bit of dialogue, just like mommy wants. And by the way, the free version is just in Japanese. If you want English subtitles, you’re going to have to subscribe to our channel for $5 a month. Subs who want subs will have to sub.”

The decision to not include any dubs of the popular anime has been met with horny, positive disdain from fans of the series.

“Oooooohhh I wish I could watch this anime in the background while I watch dishes, but now it needs my full attention if I want to know what’s going on, oh god, yes,” said American anime fan Gabriel Kearns. “Oh fuck, I want to hear Americans try to match the dialogue of the show with the mouth movements of the characters speaking Japanese, but I’ve been so bad, so I can’t. I’ve been a very bad boy, oh yessss. Oooh goddd my naughty eyes are going to miss so much of the action trying to follow along with the words at the bottom of the screen. Fuck!”

When asked about the English subtitle release date, Takahashi said that the anime would come only when she said it was allowed to come.

Rare Pokémon Cartridge Surfaces Featuring Alternate Art

Posted on July 28, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

HADDONFIELD, Ill. — Avid eBay reseller Camden Porter received quite a surprise this past weekend when he discovered what he believes to be an extremely rare version of Pokémon Yellow at a local neighborhood yard sale.

“The minute I laid eyes on it, I knew it had to be something special,” said an ecstatic Porter over the phone as he drove home with his prize. “Some loser is definitely gonna pay through the nose for this chunk of plastic. It’s crazy what grown men will cough up for kid’s toys these days!”

Porter claims that this purchase is just one of many investments he’s made in an effort to exploit current trends.

“See, the Pocket Monsters are hot right now. Nephew can’t stop talking about it,” Porter said smugly. “And he was all over that GameSpot, Rocket Hood thing or whatever. Even made 50 bucks, not bad for 28 years old. He knows what’s up.”

Porter was even kind enough to share his secrets to success.

“Listen, you see anything Pokémon related? You scoop it. Hell, anything that’s even Pokémon adjacent,” the balding e-commerce pioneer explained. “Last month I pulled a rainbow Charizard and almost made a quarter of my rent! What’s some kid gonna do with that, play with it? Tough cookies, pal. Uncle Cammy’s got most of a hydro bill to cover.”

For all of Porter’s excitement, yard sale host Gabe Brazile didn’t seem thrilled with, or even remotely interested in, his recent sale.

“Yeah that guy paid like 300 for it, didn’t even try to barter. I don’t even know if it’s Pokémon, the cartridge is just yellow,” Brazile lethargically recounted. “My kid’s dyslexic and has an oral fixation with adhesive, so this was just kind of an eventuality with all my old shit. He finds, he chews, he draws. Rinse, repeat.”

Bobby Kotick Announces New Apology Letters Will Be Written by Alternating Teams at Treyarch and Infinity Ward Each Year for Foreseeable Future

Posted on July 28, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Following a massive employee strike at Activision Blizzard due to years of harsh treatment and sexual harassment, Bobby Kotick has written a letter to employees to apologize for the company’s actions and announce that a new apology letter will be released each year, written in alternating years by Treyarch and Infinity Ward.

“We already have these guys on an alternating schedule producing new Call of Duty games each year, so why not have them also work on our new yearly apology letters to employees?” Kotick asked in his letter. “It’s a very similar process to making Call of Duty, really. You don’t need to recreate the entire letter each time, you just need to work from the base created in the previous letter, updating some language to fit modern events and trends. They just have to make sure that they stick to the core theme of the apology letter series: that we’re very sorry, we investigated this ourselves and found no wrongdoing, and that we’re committed to some vague change in the future.”

In order to make sure that the apology letters stay true to the standards of Activision Blizzard, Kotick has given himself the role of Final Proofreader, a job that comes with a $50 million yearly salary.

Cannes Source Reveals Critics Only Give Standing Ovations So Often Because the Seats Make Their Butts Hurt

Posted on July 27, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CANNES, France — A source from within the inner circle at the Festival de Cannes has revealed that the reviewers give so many standing ovations to new films not because they think the films are good, but because the seats make their butts hurt.

“I really shouldn’t even be telling you this — it’s one of the festival’s best kept secrets. But did you really think we give that much of a crap about all these indie movies?” the source explained. “A Wes Anderson anthology movie? Come on. People get this weird stereotype that we’re all stuffy pretentious critics, but the truth is that these seats are just insanely uncomfortable on our asses. We gotta stand up at the end of the movie or else we’re not gonna be able to walk for the next week.”

Despite the source, various Cannes viewers were quick to dismiss the rumor.

“Only giving standing ovations because our butts hurt? Uh…no! Definitely not true at all,” said one critic, hunching over as he spoke. “Remember that movie The Sea of Trees starring Matthew McConaughey that came out in 2015? I gave that a standing ovation at Cannes and everyone called me crazy. But I gave it an A+ review on my website, I defended it in the comments for years, and I spent years facing criticism on podcasts for saying this movie was a masterpiece. So if it came out that I only stood up and applauded it because my ass was killing me after its 110 minute runtime, well, that would ruin me. So what I’m saying is that it’s not true.”

At press time, Festival de Cannes officials quietly replaced all movie theater seats with big red cushioned adjustable chairs and the slate of movies for 2022 with the biggest budget blockbusters they could find.

Presumptuous Game Has “With Friends” in Title

Posted on July 27, 2021 by Ryan Simmons

SAN FRANCISCO — Video game publisher Zynga has come under increased scrutiny due to their long-running series of games that all presumptuously have the phrase “With Friends” in their titles.

“I think the whole thing is offensive and outrageous,” said Eric Amato, a corporate data analyst and die-hard Zynga fan who has not fostered a relationship with someone he could truly call a “friend” in seven years. “Not every single person on the planet has friends, and it’s important to remember that. I’m fucking sick of this. I just wish there was someone I could tell.”

Internet forums and subreddits lit up over the past few weeks as criticism of the publisher has grown into an uproar, with many accusing Zynga of fostering a bias toward players with “higher tier social skills.”

“I can’t believe they would just assume we all have pals, like we’re all just running around in our own group of Little Rascals or whatever, and then rub it in our faces every time we open the game,” wrote user MisanthropeGurlie on one message board. “Maybe if they had some friends who don’t have friends, they’d be a little more sensitive. The social skip gap for these games is way too high!”

Zynga issued a statement, addressing accusations that it actively ignores gamers who are, and always have been, completely alone.

“We stand and will always stand with the friendless community,” the company said via a spokesperson. “We deeply regret speculating that all of our fans were friended people, and should not have done that. We pledge to be better moving forward.”

At press time, Zynga had concluded their statement by announcing plans for their newest game specifically designed for friendless gamers called Farming With Your Lonesome.

Even Priest Has to Admit Goku Could Beat Jesus

Posted on July 27, 2021 by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Local priest Father Johnathan Samson admitted in his homily Sunday that anime character Goku could beat up Jesus, the son of God, if the two were to ever fight.

“I’m reluctant to admit it, but it’s true. I wanted to believe that Jesus was more powerful than all things and beings, but after I watched some of the show, I had some doubts,” Father Samson said. “At one point this Goku character turns into a giant powerful ape. Never seen Jesus do that.”

Local Dragon Ball Z Fan Club President Adam Wayland weighed in on the matchup.

“I’ve been saying this for years,” Wayland said. “The guy’s big thing was coming back from the dead, but Goku’s done that like three times. I’ve read all the manga and the Gospel, and never once does Jesus train with a fabled master or increase his power level. Jesus couldn’t even handle the Romans, but you’re telling me he could go one on one with Frieza? In your dreams.”

Despite some backlash within the congregation, Father Samson defended his comments.

“Goku is fictional of course, so there is no need to worry,” Samson said. “However — although I am a man of the cloth, not a betting man — if they ever did fight I’m picking the Saiyan Warrior Prince over the poor Israelite. Maybe if Jesus and the Holy Ghost did a fusion dance, it would maybe be a different story, but if Goku goes Mastered Ultra Instinct, then it’s just a total wash. Just have to be honest here.”

When news reached the Vatican, Pope Francis announced that he is starkly against the comments Father Samson made, completely believing the messiah would triumph over Goku. A few hours later, however, he did reveal that Vegeta would absolutely thrash Jesus without a second thought.

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