CANNES, France — A source from within the inner circle at the Festival de Cannes has revealed that the reviewers give so many standing ovations to new films not because they think the films are good, but because the seats make their butts hurt.
“I really shouldn’t even be telling you this — it’s one of the festival’s best kept secrets. But did you really think we give that much of a crap about all these indie movies?” the source explained. “A Wes Anderson anthology movie? Come on. People get this weird stereotype that we’re all stuffy pretentious critics, but the truth is that these seats are just insanely uncomfortable on our asses. We gotta stand up at the end of the movie or else we’re not gonna be able to walk for the next week.”
Despite the source, various Cannes viewers were quick to dismiss the rumor.
“Only giving standing ovations because our butts hurt? Uh…no! Definitely not true at all,” said one critic, hunching over as he spoke. “Remember that movie The Sea of Trees starring Matthew McConaughey that came out in 2015? I gave that a standing ovation at Cannes and everyone called me crazy. But I gave it an A+ review on my website, I defended it in the comments for years, and I spent years facing criticism on podcasts for saying this movie was a masterpiece. So if it came out that I only stood up and applauded it because my ass was killing me after its 110 minute runtime, well, that would ruin me. So what I’m saying is that it’s not true.”
At press time, Festival de Cannes officials quietly replaced all movie theater seats with big red cushioned adjustable chairs and the slate of movies for 2022 with the biggest budget blockbusters they could find.