Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Activision Blizzard Confirms Nobody in HR Department Sober Enough to Read Open Letter

Posted on July 26, 2021 by Andy Holt

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision Blizzard admitted that their entire Human Resources department was “too fucking shithoused” to read an open letter from over 800 employees, regarding an abusive “frat boy” workplace culture.

“Dude, it’s fucking like, it’s like, fucking Monday, my dude,” said senior HR representative Brock Wiggins, pausing to throw up in a trash can. “It’s like, what, you want me to read a letter? You want me to fucking, who are you? Is this about that fucking lawsuit?”

The open letter criticized Activision Blizzard’s response to a DFEH lawsuit alleging harassment, discrimination and substance abuse in the workplace.

“Maybe my boss knows what’s up with that. Let me see where he’s at, one sec,” said Wiggins, before finding his manager passed out under a cubicle with a penis drawn on his face. “Oh shit, I forgot I did that. He used to do it to me all the time back in college.”

After regaining consciousness, manager Joel Fitz went on an unprompted tirade about the many difficulties of his job, which pays six figures with a large annual bonus.

“My job sucks. I have to get up before noon, and then when I get to work, people are always saying shit like, ‘I can’t work with guys hitting on me all day,’ or ‘I can’t believe you gave my promotion to your idiot friend who didn’t even work here.’ But nobody ever asks how I’m feeling,” said Fitz, who went on to describe a recent breakup, cry deeply, and fall asleep.

Activision Blizzard directed all further questions to their lead counsel, who could not be reached after misplacing his phone at the strip club this morning.

Man Settles In to Watch Last 20 Minutes of Avatar on the Big TV at Best Buy

Posted on July 25, 2021 by Seth Finkelstein

IRVINE, Calif. — Local customer Michael Reeves has reportedly taken a break from shopping for printer ink after noticing the third act of the 2009 feature film Avatar had just started on the big TV at Best Buy.

“This was supposed to be just a quick errand, but once I saw Jake Sully and the gang in crystal clear 4K image quality and stunning 5.1 surround sound, I just couldn’t help myself,” said Reeves, standing directly in the middle of the aisle still holding two boxes of printer ink in his hands. “It really feels like I’ve been transported from the sparsely stocked shelves of the digital camera department to the mysterious alien planet of Pandora.”

The big-box retailer’s home theater set-ups have long been heralded as one of the best places to watch fight scenes from 10-year-old blockbuster movies that are constantly playing on loop.

“Whether you’re looking to upgrade your at-home viewing experience or just waste 15 minutes while your spouse or mom finishes up at The Gap, our Magnolia Home Theater specialists can’t wait to help you,” said Patricia Thompson, Director of Communications at Best Buy. “Come take a seat in one of our slightly sticky leather recliners and experience the majesty of Avatar, paired with a slow-mo 8K video of a tree frog that’s always visible on three other TV screens out of the corner of your eye.”

Avatar director James Cameron was excited to hear about Reeves’ recent spontaneous viewing experience.

“When I dreamed up Neytiiri, Tsu’tey, Mo’at, and, of course, Dr. Grace Augustine, I knew that my vision could only truly come to life on a $399 Roku TV with motion smoothing turned on,” said Cameron on a recorded transmission from his submarine base. “Kudos, Michael! And, as the Na’vi say, ‘I see you.’”

At press time, Reeves had reportedly taken a break to stretch his legs after Avatar’s big third act fight sequence to take a quick stroll through the Amiibo aisle.

Ranking the Final Fantasy Games Just to Piss You Off

Posted on July 24, 2021 by Gabe Porter

Square Enix’s iconic RPG series Final Fantasy has enthralled gamers for over three decades. With such a broad and devoted fanbase, ranking these beloved titles would certainly be a fool’s errand. Each installment has a lot to offer, both in terms of enjoyment and influence on game design and gaming culture as a whole.

That being said, there’s nothing you can do to stop me from ranking them anyway just for the hell of it. So without further ado, here are the best Final Fantasy games, just to piss you off.

#6: Final Fantasy VIII – With its convoluted story, whiny, adolescent main characters, and half-baked battle mechanics, Final Fantasy VIII is a picture-perfect start to this list, which, again, only exists to evoke a feeling of rage deep inside of you.

#5: Final Fantasy III – Have you ever played Final Fantasy III? Probably not, unless you were a gullible sap with a Nintendo DS and 30 bucks to blow on the game’s 3D remake. You’ve most likely had it on your backlog for a while just because it’s another Final Fantasy, but face it. You’re never gonna actually play this thing. That’s why I put it on this list, because it’s so hilarious to watch you get upset.

#4: Final Fantasy XV – Combine a half-finished game with a story that requires both a movie and an anime to be narratively coherent, and you have the fourth-best Final Fantasy game on this intentionally antagonistic list.

#3: Final Fantasy XIV (Version 1.0) – Don’t get too excited, MMO stans, I’m specifically referring to the base version of Final Fantasy XIV here. Also known as the version that sucked ass and didn’t have anything you actually liked about A Realm Reborn. Take your Shadowbringers and shove it.

#2: Final Fantasy XIII – Man oh man, it feels good to put Final Fantasy XIII so stupidly high up on this list. I can already feel the angry tweets about to come flooding in. I will of course never read them, but their cosmic energy will indirectly fuel me. And just as a cherry on top, I’ll say here that I think Lightning is a better RPG protagonist than Cloud.

Now before we get to the final game on this list, here are a few honorable mentions that just missed the cut. Who cares?

Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus

Final Fantasy IV: The After Years

Chocobo’s Dungeon 2

Now, drum roll please! You’re going to fucking hate this one:

#1: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within – The only way to make sure no one was satisfied with this list was to end it with the amazing cinematic experience that is Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Yep, this hour-and-forty-six-minute monolith starring Alec Baldwin, Hironobu Sakaguchi’s career-killer, the box-office King Bomb, is better than Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy VI COMBINED.

If you disagree with any of the points listed above, you can tweet the link to all of your friends and force them to agree with you if you’re so bent out of shape. Also, Dragon Quest III is better than all of these combined. Fuck you.

Time Traveler Confirms George Orwell Was Talking About Facebook Meme Group Moderators

Posted on July 23, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LONDON — A local time traveler has transported himself back to 1949 to confirm with author George Orwell that his novel Nineteen Eighty-Four was written about people who moderate Facebook meme groups.

“I had to win this argument once and for all. I couldn’t just let myself get muted by the mods just because I posted a little bit of Sonic porn in our group,” said the time traveler. “So I started looking into quantum physics and engineering and all that shit and I went back and found that George Orwell fucker and figured out exactly what 1984 is about: it’s about these fucker mods who muted me. We literally live in 1984 — I was right!!!”

According to those familiar with the situation, Orwell, who was pulled into the present time with the time traveler after being interrogated about his novel, was mostly confused about the situation.

“Yeah, uh, this guy kidnapped me and said he wanted to take me to the setting from my book and I blacked out for a good few hours, but now I’m back and I’m mostly just really scared. Who are you?” Orwell explained. “Am I going to die? The guy said I was going to die soon. Who is Sonic? Am I to be murdered by a hedgehog?! Oh god, this world is much worse and scarier than my book!”

At press time, the time traveler sent Orwell back to his 1949, but with a copy of a manuscript written by the traveler titled Nineteen Eighty-Five, a sequel to Orwell’s novel, based on a Wikipedia description of the plot, but this time explicitly naming Facebook moderators as the villain.

Guy Decides Right Before Watching Movie If He’ll Like It or Not

Posted on July 23, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TULSA, Okla. — Local moviegoer Nick Hancock decided, as he sat in his seat to watch the new Nicolas Cage film Pig, that he would dislike the movie.

“It can be really difficult to form an opinion around a new movie that everybody’s talking about. That’s why I like to get a headstart and figure out if I’m going to like a film or dislike a film before seeing it,” Hancock explained. “That way, I can spend my time watching the movie figuring out how I can support my opinion on it. I know I’m going to be arguing a lot about any given movie both online and offline, so I want to make sure my decision about its quality is backed up! Ya know, if I have the time to see it.”

“People think that liking or disliking a movie is purely based on how you feel while watching it. Wrong,” Hancock continued. “Every time I hear about a movie, I run a basic algorithm in my head to decide whether or not it’s good. I have to consider all sorts of things, like, how do I feel about the people involved in this movie? Do my friends like this movie? How can I disagree with them over minor details to dismantle their whole argument about it? Does the girl I have a crush on like this movie? How can I prove to her that I have the correct opinions about pop culture? What are the politics of this movie? Do I agree with them? What’s the general consensus on social media? Do I have a funny Letterboxd review for this film? What opinion on this movie will make me sound the smartest and most cultured? And so on, and so on.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Hancock’s method of formulating movie opinions is not particularly popular with his group of friends.

“I don’t watch movies with Nick anymore,” said his sister Courtney Hancock. “I’m done. I’m just out.”

Man’s Friends Realize All His Jokes Just Quotes From ‘The Simpsons’

Posted on July 23, 2021 by Gabe Porter

LOS ANGELES — Local man Herman Gunther reportedly realized that his supposedly funny friend Matt has been stealing all of his funny quotes from the popular cartoon The Simpsons.

“I’ve known Matt since high school, and I always knew he was a clever guy, but after The Simpsons debuted, he really became a laugh riot. Pretty suspicious!” Gunther said. “I had never actually seen the show until recently, and to my surprise, all the characters kept saying some of Matt’s classic one-liners. Every time I laughed at his jokes, I was actually laughing at some cartoon guy’s jokes. My whole worldview has been shattered.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Matt’s co-workers have also noticed a similar trend..

“Yeah, every time we had a mixer at work, that jerk would say the most hilarious stuff. Then I was like, hold on, didn’t I make that joke first?” explained Matt’s friend Bill Oakley. “I remember whenever someone would even offhandedly mention potatoes, you could expect him to bust out the classic, ‘I just think they’re neat!’ I’m like 99% sure our co-worker Josh Weinstein came up with that. But no one can really do anything about it, I guess, because he’s the boss. We’re not gonna just call out the guy who employs us just because he steals all his jokes from his employees and some cartoon.”

The Matt in question, however, finds no faults in his lifting jokes from The Simpsons.

“What is happening? I wrote The Simpsons! It’s my show! Am I going insane?!” he said, defiantly. “I can say ‘don’t have a cow’ as much as I want! I feel like I’m losing my mind. Hell, I think I’d even be OK taking jokes from Family Guy, because without me, that shit wouldn’t even exist!”

At press time, Matt’s friends completely lost it at their friend after watching Futurama and Disenchantment.

Activision Blizzard Responds to Controversy by Merging With Local Woman

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Hard Drive Staff

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — In response to a lawsuit alleging gender discrimination, Activision Blizzard has announced a corporate merger with a local woman, Jennifer.

“Activision Blizzard has certainly made errors in judgment in the past when it comes to treating its employees equitably,” said Josh Xavier, a representative for the new conglomerate, Activison Blizzard Jennifer. “But we’re going to bring forth a brighter future here at ABJ, not to mention making history as the first company to ever directly merge with a human person.”

While the precise details of the merger remain under wraps, industry experts predict that it will end the negative press cycle around the lawsuit.

“It’s hard to know how they handle the particulars — they could convert Jennifer’s $97,000 net worth to Activision Blizzard stock, or they could convert AB’s $8 billion into Jennifer stock,” said analyst William Gershwin. “Either way, it’s going to have the intended effect: everybody forgets about the lawsuit, people keep buying Call of Duty, and a massive company keeps treating their women employees like crap.”

After finalizing the offer and accepting her new position on the company board of directors, Jennifer herself sounded positive about the future of the company.

“HALT! I AM ACTIVISION BLIZZARD JENNIFER,” said Jennifer, her eyes glowing bright white and her voice echoing in all directions. “THE MERGER IS COMPLETE. STAND BY FOR ASSIMILATION. BUY OVERWATCH.”

Fraternity Criticized for “Activision Blizzard-Like Culture”

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Andy Holt

FORT SMITH, Ark. — A local chapter of the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity has been accused of mimicking the toxic workplace culture of the gaming studio Activision Blizzard.

“This fraternity is a hive of substance abuse, misogyny, and sexual harassment, with no respect for the health and safety of individuals within the organization. The behavior of these young men is disgusting, and it’s clear where they are learning it from: the behavior of Activision Blizzard employees in the office,” wrote an unnamed source in a complaint to Huntington University. “Something needs to be done before this spreads to other fraternities.”

Few members of LCA were willing to go on record, but those that did described a culture that matches the worst reports from the California video game studio and publisher of such titles as Call of Duty, World of Warcraft and Diablo.

“I pledged LCA last Fall and the hazing was really intense,” said sophomore Robert Palmdale. “They made me and a bunch of other pledges crunch on a AAA video game for 40 hours a week, no bonus pay or anything like that either. And they told us if we quit that they would take our names out of the credits of the fraternity, which was just plain cruel if you ask me.”

Victim advocates have called for personal responsibility from the accused, but have also called attention to the negative influence coming from above.

“Corporations are people, too, which means they need to be positive role models to our children, just like anyone else,” said Eileen Harrison from Mother Against Toxic Gaming Industry Workplaces. “For as long as these companies wring out their workers like sponges and mistreat female employees, their influence will continue to corrupt the most innocent and respectful members of our society: American college students who belong to fraternities.”

For their part, the leaders of the fraternity denied the accusations.

“I would never even dream of treating people that way,” said chapter president Bobby Kotick, Jr. “That’s just not how I was raised.”

Gamers Disgusted to Hear News That Activision Blizzard Employs Women

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Zoe Grobman

SAN FRANCISO — Following the announcement of a lawsuit that California has filed against Activision Blizzard for sexual harassment, gamers reacted with disgust upon learning that the company employs women.

“When I saw Jason Schreier’s tweets about the lawsuits against Activision Blizzard, I lost my fucking shit. I mean are you kidding me?! It’s 2021! We STILL need to have women working at these companies?! Come the fuck on,” said gamer Pearce Warner. “We really need to hold these companies accountable. I’m glad that the state of California is filing a lawsuit against them, and I haven’t gone through the actual document yet, but I imagine it’s to make sure it’s just guys only working there. I mean can you imagine a World of Warcraft game made by girls? They would probably have to call it World of SJWcraft or something.”

Upon learning that one of the allegations in the lawsuit is that male employees went on “cube crawls” of women’s cubicles, the gamers became further incensed about the knowledge that Activision Blizzard employees have enough friends to crawl around with.

“Video games need to be made by GAMERS if they’re going to be good. Having friends should immediately disqualify you from being able to work at Activision Blizzard,” said Twitter user VapeJuice420xxx. “This is why I only support video games made by Riot Games. Well, I would, if League of Legends didn’t suck so much ass. But in theory, this is why I would only support Riot.”

At press time, Warner briefly tried to organize a boycott of Activision Blizzard, but was quickly foiled after realizing that would force him to abandon the Call of Duty franchise, the only modern video game series that hasn’t been “totally cucked by the cultural marxists.”

Defeated Merriam-Webster Editor Adds ‘Chungus’ to Dictionary

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Jonah Nink

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Sullenly approving the final edits for publication before breaking out a package of Marlboro Reds for the first time in a decade, sources say that Merriam-Webster editor Harold Mason has defeatedly added the word “Chungus” to the dictionary, coworkers reported this morning.

“For a while there I thought we were safe from adding any more stupid internet slang to the dictionary. But these zoomers keep adding slang so quickly that we have no choice but to stay relevant,” complained Mason. “Next thing I know I’m adding ‘Chungus, Noun: A rotund, rabbit-like creature,’ to our newest dictionary. I guess this will seem quaint when I eventually have to add ‘Sad Keanu’ or ‘Wholesome 100’ or some other bullshit internet slang. I hate my job.”

A contingent of Merriam-Webster staff have argued in favor of including “Chungus.”

“A lot of folks think that adding stupid meme words to the dictionary is bad, but I think it’s poggers,” said linguistics professor and Merriam-Webster consultant Aidy Bennet. “Frankly, I’m sick of seeing the same old lame-ass words like “shibboleth” and “mulct” in the dictionary every year. It’s time we also record important phrases like ‘360 No-scope’ as well.

Bennet also noted that the addition of “Chungus” would likely get more young people interested in the dictionary.

“Merriam-Webster added Chungus? That’s based,” said high-school student Tommy Bayer. “It’s nice to see a company actually embrace Gen Z slang instead of condescending to us as usual. Dictionaries are still shit-tier, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

In response to the expected bump in dictionary sales, Merriam-Webster announced that they will hire the world’s top diachronic linguists to properly conjugate the verb “yeet.”

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