Shop Owner Switches Careers With Adventurer After Buying His Entire Inventory

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

ETURENE — After buying a plethora of weapons, armor, and items from a local adventurer, local business owner Welton the Shopkeeper has decided to venture into the woods for a hero’s journey of his own. 

“Yeah, wow, this is just such great shit,” said Welton, trying on a chain mail and swinging around a mace he had bought from Klagmore the Punisher. “Usually I’d just polish these up and put them on the shelves, but there are some real top notch items in here. This dagger, for example, fucking shoots fireballs. I’ve always wondered what might’ve happened if I chose a life of adventure, and I ain’t getting any younger. It’s now or never.”

Welton’s abrupt change of career paths was complimented by Klagmore, who having sold all of his combat equipment decided to seek a new line of work to take care of his family. 

“I got a kid on the way, man, I gotta start thinking about my family,” said Klagmore, who once famously won The Battle of the Lower Plane by plunging his sword deep into Lutharian the Dragon’s icy heart. “So I’m here selling my stuff, even the ultra rare flaming dagger I received upon banishing the soul of Zeldman from the eighth barrier over there outside of Lichtenberg. It’ll help for now, but I really needed a solid gig going forward. So I asked this dude if I could watch the shop while he’s gone, and he said I could tend it full time! Everything’s coming up Klagmore the Punisher!” 

People in town rejoiced about the shakeup to the local marketplace. 

“I think it’s great to have some new faces around here,” said a local who seemed confused when they were asked their name. “Every day in this town has felt exactly the same since I can remember. I wake up, I stand here with a broom sweeping the same part of the street for 12 hours, and then I go home and do it all over again the next day. I think it’s great to have some new faces around here. Every day in this town has felt exactly the same since I can remember.”

As of press time, Welton has been slain in battle and his former shop has reopened under the name Klagmore’s Save More Items and Weapon Shop.

Photo via JaceH555.

Sega Announces Next Sonic Game Will Be One of the Bad Ones

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TOKYO — Sega announced today that they are working on a new game featuring their iconic mascot Sonic the Hedgehog, and that it will also be one of the bad installments in the long-running franchise.

“We’re really happy to bring you this abomination,” said Haruki Satomi, chief executive of Sega. “We looked at a lot of different games from the past before we went to work on this, and we left all the bangers on the shelf, straight up. We are introducing new annoying characters, eliminating fan favorite features, and basically just shipping an unfinished pile of code and selling it for full price, most likely.” 

Bizarrely, the Sonic fandom rejoiced at this straightforward declaration of mediocrity to come. 

“Oh fuck yeah dude, the bad Sonic games are my favorite ones,” said Joey Thompson, a lifelong Sonic the Hedgehog fan. “I mean, as a fan I enjoy them all to some extent, but what a lot of people write off as the rejects or the lesser than games, a lot of us find those ones to be really charming and entertaining. It’s a big part of my personality to disagree with people online about stuff. Plus, ain’t’ no Werehog in the good Sonic games. Love that Werehog.”

Games journalists pointed out that the vague reveal actually wasn’t exactly a revelation.

“Saying it is one of the bad ones isn’t nearly enough information,” said gaming journalist Abigail Streep. “Is it going to be one of the good bad ones like Adventure 2, one of the fun bad ones like Colors, one of the forgettable bad ones like Unleashed, or one of the bad bad ones, like Sonic ‘06? Any fan could have told you that once we got Mania there was no way we got another good one for a while. This is barely news, to be honest.” 

As of press time, Sega had revealed a final detail about the mysterious game, announcing that Sonic would be purple in this one. “Why not?” asked Satomi.

So Called Gaming Chair Doesn’t Have a Single Fucking Game on It

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local gamer Alan Polk was outraged after the purchase of his new GTRACING X2090 gaming chair after discovering that despite the name, the furniture contains zero playable games on it.

“I’m filing a lawsuit as soon as possible,” Polk said. “Not one single fucking game. Not even Brick Breaker, or Solitaire! I’ve been plugging various controllers into it for the last two hours and it seems I paid $300 for a chair whose only special quality is that it’s red. I don’t even think it has backwards compatibility with other chairs. You may say I’m spoiled, but I think when a man buys a piece of furniture in this technological age, it should at least have Minesweeper on it.”

A spokesman for GTRACING gaming chairs Richard Montoya defended the company’s product.

“With a GTRACING chair, sitting is all the fun you need,” Montoya explained in an email. “May I note, as well, that the chair’s only special ability is not just ‘being red.’ It’s red AND black, which we feel gives it an exhilarating feel just to sit in. These gamers just can’t be happy with anything. Our chairs are perfectly functional the way they are, as boring run of the mill furniture. Although, you could just think of putting the chair together as an immersive puzzle game, gamers go crazy for stupid shit like that.”

To placate consumer demand for entertainment being attached to the chair, a future model of GTRACING chairs will be outfitted with an infant nursery mobile spinning over the chair.

Opinion: Actually That Part Was Really Easy

Posted on by Clayton Anderson

This game claims another victim, eh? Honestly, I’m tired of people posting in these forums like, “Help me with this! I can’t get past that!” This game isn’t hard! You people act like you find meaning somewhere else in your life, instead of taking the time to thoroughly learn the ins and outs of every single video game you play. Pathetic.

Quote from well_adjusted_gamer: There’s a platforming section at the end of level 3 that seems needlessly complicated. Am I missing something?

You’re having trouble with that part? I beat it my first try. That’s the norm for me, really. Turbo Tunnel in Battletoads? First try. Matador in Shin Megami Tensei III? First try as well. I have blindfolded runs of Ghosts’n Goblins and Ninja Gaiden on my YouTube channel, too. I’m up to almost 50 subscribers.

Quote from well_adjusted_gamer: And even if I get past that part, there’s no save point before the boss, so I have to redo everything if I lose. Kinda frustrating.

Have you tried reducing the boss’s HP to zero? There’s a pro tip for you. You can do that by hitting him with your weapons. Oh, and you have to do it before he reduces yours to zero. Think you can handle that?

Quote from well_adjusted_gamer said: The boss isn’t so bad except for the super fast, one-hit-kill move it seems to throw out at random. Any pointers?

Please. Everybody knows that if you abuse the geometry at the southwest corner of the boss arena, you can hit him without him being able to hit you. Play smarter, not harder. I really don’t get your mentality. Don’t you know self-actualization can only be achieved by consuming media at the highest level? What else could a person possibly stake their personality on?

Anyway, I don’t have time to hold your hand. If you’ll excuse me, it’s almost time for dinner, so I’ve got to go look up how to boil water.

Black Mirror Episode Set in the Stone Age Warns Audience of the Dangers of the Wheel

Posted on by Saad Khan

LONDON — Charlie Brooker, creator of Netflix’s Black Mirror, announced a special one-off episode of the popular sci-fi anthology television series set in the Stone Age which will follow a group of early humans dealing with the ethical dangers of relying too heavily on wheel technology.

“I’m extremely excited for this episode to premiere,” said Brooker, speaking into a microphone and occasionally pausing to muse on how microphones can ironically both amplify and distort one’s voice. “When a group of cave dwelling humans accidentally invent the wheel, they eventually learn to fashion entire carts mounted on these wheels and use them to transport resources. Of course, as the viewer will discover, this will prove to be the first step on the slippery slope towards the decline of all human civilization.”

Brooker reportedly then drew a huge breath inward before ramping up to begin a full-blown lecture about how humans forsake their own innate potential.

“The cavemen stop relying on the organic locomotion afforded to them by Mother Earth,” said Brooker, bending down to grab his own legs for rhetorical effect. “They give into the doomed temptation to rest their weary legs in the backs of their crude, stone carts. Little do they realize their leg muscles will soon atrophy from lack of use. And then, one day, a bear attacks, but their carts fall apart during the escape. Their grim fate is sealed, just like ours.”

John Glover, a casual viewer of the show, wasn’t sure what to make of Brooker’s comments.

“This episode still seems like a stretch, even for Black Mirror,” Glover said. “The wheel’s super useful, we definitely wouldn’t be where we are today without it. Plus, like, aren’t wheels part of wheelchairs? A lot of people need wheels for one reason or another so I don’t really know what he expects me to do.”

At press time, Brooker clarified that the new Black Mirror episode would actually only be produced as a stage play to avoid needing to use big studio lights, pulleys, or any other form of modern technology.

Mark Wahlberg Spends Entire Flight Simulator Playthrough Pretending to Stop 9/11

Posted on by Brandon Puff

BOSTON — Mark Wahlberg reportedly streamed a playthrough of Microsoft Flight Simulator on Twitch this weekend, the entirety of which he spent pretending he was on a mission to stop the horrific events of 9/11.

“Alright, Wahl-crawlers, thank you for tunin’ in, this is going to be the most patriotic Twitch stream you’ve ever seen. We’re going to be flying in this beautiful Boeing 757 and I’m going to show these fucking terrorists what happens when you mess with the United States of America,” said Wahlberg before starting the playthrough, breaking character only to shout out new subscribers to his channel.

As the plane left the ground, Wahlberg began to painstakingly roleplay the minute-by-minute events of the hijacking by reassuring the imaginary passengers that everything would be okay. 

“This is your captain, Mark Wahlberg, speaking,” said Wahlberg, choking back tears and fighting to maintain composure throughout his speech. “I want everyone to remain calm. If anyone can stop these assholes, it’s me, the star of the 2001 summer box office smash hit, Planet of the Apes directed by Tim Burton. Let’s fucking do this.”

Wahlberg then began to make evasive maneuvers in his plane while pretending to physically fight the terrorists from within the cockpit.

“Oh wow, that was a good punch, but not good enough to destroy America, jerkoff! Take this, and this, and that! Did you see that, chat? I can’t believe I just roundhouse kicked that terrorist in the face, his head almost came off. Now one of them has a gun, but too bad I know martial arts. Wham! Just like that, you’ve been disarmed by old Marky Mark. America is safe baby!!”

Upon defeating the imaginary terrorists, Wahlberg reportedly ended the stream abruptly after realizing he’d stopped paying attention to flying the plane and was about to crash.

Indie Director’s Career Tragically Cut Short by Marvel Ten Year Contract

Posted on by Gabe Porter

LOS ANGELES — Sources have sadly confirmed that indie director Yohanna Hultz’s promising career has tragically been cut short as a result of a ten-year contract she signed earlier today with Marvel Studios.

“It’s hard not to feel robbed of Yohanna’s refreshing cinematic voice right now, but unfortunately it’s unlikely we’ll ever see anything with a modicum of real artistry from her ever again,” said film critic Alan Rush. “I know the art film community will miss her dearly, and I’m sure wherever she is, she’s looking down on us and smiling. No, I know she’s not dead, I just heard she bought some 40 million dollar mansion up in the hills with all of that insane Marvel money.”

Kevin Feige sees the indie darling’s new position as a new beginning for her career, not an ending.

“We are so happy to welcome Yohanna Hultz into the fold, and we can’t wait to see what she does to leave her mark on the Marvel universe,” said Feige, pausing in the middle of writing an email about how the next Ant-Man movie needs more Disney+ synergy. “Her experience creating slow-burning dramas that delve into the psyche of battered people will do wonders when she has to direct the one talking scene in Avengers 14: The Rise of 3-D Man. Her deep, patient character studies also make me excited for her developing the origin story of Asbestos Lady, one of Marvel’s finest characters.”

Hultz herself says she’s eager to begin the next exciting step of her filmmaking career.

“Listen, they came up to me with a literal briefcase full of millions of dollars, what am I gonna do, say no?” The young director said. “At the end of the day, artistic integrity is stupid and I am now rich. Each art house movie I made had a little piece of my soul in it, but they were all box office failures, so who gives a shit? There’s no point in making movies like that when I can make millions doing a couple of days of glorified story editing before they hand it off to the fight choreographer to pad out every other scene.”

At press time, Hultz’s still-in-production passion project, Yonder Down The Hill, has been canceled after each actor attached to the project has reportedly been poached for other Marvel movies.

Local Blacksmith Gives Quest to Go See His Band at the Tavern Tonight

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

INTREPID ISLE, Midgard — Blacksmith Angus Krant issued a quest this morning for all adventures that visit his stall: stay in town and watch his band perform at the local tavern.

Krant and His Kronies will be performing at Intrepid Isle’s local tavern, The Enchanted Wyvren, at nightfall. Due to attendance issues, the event will be what villagers call a “bringer” show, meaning the bands must provide audience members in order to perform.

“Look, I have adventurers wandering through all the time, looking to purchase new armor, or have me hammer a gem into a shortsword to buff fire damage, or whatever,” Krant said. “Might as well incentivise them and help out the Kronies at the same time.”

The folk punk band includes two other Intrepid Isle denizens, Twyzert the baker and Valencia the grave digger, who were born and raised in the village and have never set foot outside it.

“We have a lot to offer to anyone that comes to our show,” Twyzert explained. “People from out of town get to learn about the Isle, since it’s all we sing about, and people that live here will get all the references.”

Over the course of the afternoon, Krant was able to convince an adventuring party to attend. In exchange, he offered them a small amount of experience, which is the only thing Krant and His Cronies will be paid for the show.

Once the quest is turned in tomorrow, the adventurers are expected to leave the village quickly, before the blacksmith asks his final question, “So, did you guys like it?”

We Spent 15 Years Testing the Xbox 360 and PS3 and are Ready to Declare a Winner

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Any lifelong gamer knows that every so many years we are treated to the cutthroat environment that surrounds the launch of a new console generation, and 2006’s duel between Sony’s PlayStation 3 and Microsoft’s Xbox 360 is no different. 

We here at Hard Drive have spent the last 180 months playtesting every feature and are finally ready to debut our head to head analysis of the two systems. Make sure you check this guide out before making your purchase! And please don’t tell me how Lost ended in the comments!

THE HARDWARE

The PlayStation 3 wins this category by a mile. We were sending back Xbox 360’s so often because of red rings we were actually filling out the help tickets preemptively by the end there. With such a competitive gaming market, it’s pretty wild that Microsoft would just put out a product that shits the bed all the time. As for the PlayStation 3, in addition to working regularly,  I also entered a malnutrition induced hallucinogenic episode about four years into this assignment and my PS3 told me it would never, ever quit on me. This category is Sony’s all the way. 

WINNER: PLAYSTATION 3

THE SOFTWARE

Here’s where the 360 really shines. Its exclusives like Halo, Gears of War, and Too Human are sure to define this gaming generation for years to come. PlayStation 3’s underwhelming array of exclusives leans heavily on sequels and head scratchers like The Last of Us and Demon’s Souls. I’m willing to bet these stinkers came and went without much fanfare. Hard to say, as I’ve been Oldboying this single article since George W. Bush was in office. 

WINNER: XBOX 360

MOTION CAPTURE TECHNOLOGY

Nintendo’s Wii clearly established motion capture technology as THE future of video games, and it’s no surprise that the wave of hardware following that groundbreaking system featured heavily integrated motion controls. There’s no question that this is what gamers want from now on, the only question is who did it better? 

The answer, technically, is Xbox. I wouldn’t call what I had with the Kinect “fun,” but the ambition of it is incredible. I danced with fucking Han Solo. I think. I don’t know. It was rough and weird, man. But all the PlayStation gave us was a Move controller that lets me pretend to row a boat in games sometimes. Microsoft on a technicality here. This stuff all kinda sucks, though. 

WINNER: XBOX 360

SURVIVING ME HAVING A MELTDOWN AND THROWING THE SYSTEM AGAINST THE WALL OF THIS GODFORSAKEN ROOM 

The PlayStation 3 really stood out here, as a letter from my former spouse telling me she’s moved on inspired me to chuck the base model, featuring full backwards compatibility, clear across the fucking room, but it mostly survived! It definitely suffered some cosmetic damages, and sometimes it sounded like it was struggling to read the disk, but I was able to play pretty much every game afterwards!  (A small note, Nathan Drake sported a noticeable limp in my copy of Uncharted 2 after the incident. Not sure if it’s related.)

I was unable to test the units at the same time, as I had recently sent my Xbox back to be repaired for the 11th time. By the time it arrived I had calmed considerably, but decided to administer the test just the same, in the interest of journalistic integrity. Even my half hearted lob still reduced the Xbox 360 to a pile of plastic, wires, smoke, and somehow, a red ring of light. I swept the pile into a box and mailed it back to Microsoft. 

WINNER: PLAYSTATION 3

THE VERDICT

Tallying up the results of the 15 years I spent on this article, it occurs to me that it is a tie! Too close to call! You should probably just pick up whichever one you think you’d like better. Hopefully this guide helped! 

Opinion: Michael Scott Was Actually a Bad Boss

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

It’s been 16 years since The Office first took America by storm. At the time, we all loved Michael Scott for being a funny boss that everyone wanted to be friends with. Although I sadly live a life that will never require me to have a “job” with a “boss,” I would dream for hours on end about telling him how HARD my day was and how much I had to CRAM to get things FINISHED and have him respond with a perfectly timed “that’s what she said!” His antics brought such unabashed joy to us all.

Times have changed, however, and I now realize that Michael Scott was actually an extremely problematic individual that created a toxic work environment. 

“That’s what she said!” is no longer a hilarious catchphrase but instead a cheap, pathetic attempt at humor made by a crude, sexist, and deeply insecure man. The quiet looks Jim or Pam made towards the camera now no longer read as space made for the laugh track the editors always forgot to include, but instead seem like secret transmissions towards the audience that they hate their boss and the awful things he’s putting them through. The fact that we all could go this long without realizing how terrible Michael Scott was is proof that Michael Schur and Greg Daniels are buffoons that have zero clue how to write good comedy in general.

In fact, every time I see Michael holding up his “World’s Best Boss” mug, it actually feels ironic. Because what the show didn’t realize is that he is very far from the world’s best boss — he is a bad boss.

Seeing as there is almost certainly going to be a remake coming in the near future, I have some recommendations for the creators on how to provide clarity for the Michael character so the entirety of the world doesn’t miss the point like we all did with the original run of The Office:

  1. Play a scary music sting anytime Michael Scott enters a scene to let us know he’s bad.
  2. Other characters should often say to Michael, “you are being a bad boss. This is abusive behavior,” so that viewers understand that the show does not support his character. Tell us who is bad and why.
  3. Have Michael Scott be fired by (AT MOST!) the 3rd episode, then show how profitable Dunder Mifflin has become after they’ve fired him.

If this article has left you without a funny show to watch, I recommend checking out The Simpsons on Disney+ but only seasons 11-32.

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