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Sega Announces Next Sonic Game Will Be One of the Bad Ones

TOKYO — Sega announced today that they are working on a new game featuring their iconic mascot Sonic the Hedgehog, and that it will also be one of the bad installments in the long-running franchise.

“We’re really happy to bring you this abomination,” said Haruki Satomi, chief executive of Sega. “We looked at a lot of different games from the past before we went to work on this, and we left all the bangers on the shelf, straight up. We are introducing new annoying characters, eliminating fan favorite features, and basically just shipping an unfinished pile of code and selling it for full price, most likely.” 

Bizarrely, the Sonic fandom rejoiced at this straightforward declaration of mediocrity to come. 

“Oh fuck yeah dude, the bad Sonic games are my favorite ones,” said Joey Thompson, a lifelong Sonic the Hedgehog fan. “I mean, as a fan I enjoy them all to some extent, but what a lot of people write off as the rejects or the lesser than games, a lot of us find those ones to be really charming and entertaining. It’s a big part of my personality to disagree with people online about stuff. Plus, ain’t’ no Werehog in the good Sonic games. Love that Werehog.”

Games journalists pointed out that the vague reveal actually wasn’t exactly a revelation.

“Saying it is one of the bad ones isn’t nearly enough information,” said gaming journalist Abigail Streep. “Is it going to be one of the good bad ones like Adventure 2, one of the fun bad ones like Colors, one of the forgettable bad ones like Unleashed, or one of the bad bad ones, like Sonic ‘06? Any fan could have told you that once we got Mania there was no way we got another good one for a while. This is barely news, to be honest.” 

As of press time, Sega had revealed a final detail about the mysterious game, announcing that Sonic would be purple in this one. “Why not?” asked Satomi.