Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Video Game Mini-Boss Insists on Being Called ‘VP of Bossing’

Posted on August 14, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

THE IVORY VALE — A large arachnid henchman that appears halfway through a nearby magical field has repeatedly been curt with fellow employees of the Dark Lord’s Empire as of late, loudly insisting on being called VP of Bossing in lieu of the traditional “mini-boss,” the moniker he’s traditionally associated with.

“That is a demeaning title,” said Meldgar Ackbaas, the large undead tarantula tasked with guarding the Enchanted Key, a challenge which most heroes seem to fly through no problem. “To insist that I am merely a smaller version of the more serious threat you will face later is not only insulting to me and all that I provide to the bossing department, but VPs everywhere, in all fields. I’d cut your tongue out if I weren’t so devastatingly ineffective in battle!”

Reportedly this wasn’t the first time Ackbaas had confronted his colleagues about workplace terminology.

“Oh man, if it’s not one thing it’s the other with Meldgar,” said a guard positioned near the field’s entrance. “First he kept telling us not to call his chamber a ‘stage,’ which I’m sorry, there’s moving platforms and spikes, sure feels like a stage to me. But okay, whatever you have to tell yourself, Meldgar. Now this VP of Bossing bullshit. OK fine, but instead of Shadow Guard Number Three, I want to be called Sir Todd the Brave Warrior around here from now on. Since we can just do that apparently.”

Many at the nearby tavern populated by the local adventurer’s guild said they were unaffected by whatever changes happened in the nomenclature of the team.

“Mini-boss, VP, bad guy, I shall slay thee thusly all the same,” said William the Rugged, a 13th century warrior descended from the Lightning Gods of the Third Guild. “Also, I suspect that all of this infighting about titles and responsibilities has led to a pretty bad work environment for everyone there. It’s become so easy for us to get through that whole thing. Sometimes we take the shittiest weapons we can find, just for fun. Glen went through the other day with two shields! Just fucking around!”

As of press time, Meldgar had been viciously slain and respawned even madder.

Gamer Working Through Backlog Amazed How Good Pong Is

Posted on August 14, 2021 by Jon Ruggiero

LAREDO, Texas — While playing through his gaming backlog on Twitch, professional streamer Duncan Clyde was surprised to find out how good Pong is.

“Like most gamers, I spent the quarantine trying to keep up with the unbearable amount of new games coming out every month. But then I decided, no, that’s not enough,” said Clyde, 17, who goes by Doocly online. “I’m not going to be a true gamer until I’ve played them all. Every single one. So, I might as well start at the start. And holy, shit, Pong owns!”

Doocly’s original idea was to play and finish one game every few days on stream, but instead, he spent two weeks just playing Pong, an early arcade game released by Atari in 1972.

“Gang, you just don’t get how good games used to be,” Doocly said on stream. “This is pure gaming, right here. Moving paddles to beat the opponent in weird tennis. That’s it. Nowhere do I need to pay gems for anything. No grinding for experience to unlock new stuff. It’s all there from the jump. I’ve never seen anything like it. Let’s go!”

Doocly, a former massive fan of Call of Duty, gave up playing the first-person shooter after his experiences with early video games.

“I’ve won and lost to this opponent, and not once has it said I should go fuck my dead grandma,” Doocly said, booting up his 30th round of the night. “So don’t expect me to drop into any lobbies anytime soon.”

At press time, Doocly had been banned from Twitch after moving on to the next game in his backlog, Custer’s Revenge.

Indie Developer Sacrifices Everything to Make Worse Version of Super Meat Boy

Posted on August 14, 2021 by Kyle Erf

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local independent game developer John Petrov has staked his entire financial future and personal stability on the success of Turtle’s Jumping Journey, a game sources close to the 32-year-old don’t have the courage to tell him is doomed to fail.

“I figured the best way to get my feet wet with game development was to immediately quit my full-time job and just dive in full time. Sploosh!” said a proud Petrov, who estimates he is less than two months from finishing Turtle’s Jumping Journey. “For years I’ve wanted to make a game that was like a cross between Super Meat Boy and Celeste, you know? Completely my vision.”

“I turned down a big promotion with a company car to work on this,” Petrov added.

The developer believed the game will soar to the top of the charts on its unique elements, explaining, “First of all the story is epic — an entire world with warring tribes of turtle men. I couldn’t figure out how to integrate it with the platforming but it’s all readable there in the options menu. Oh, and unlike Super Meat Boy, you have to wait like 10 seconds for the level to reload in order to attempt it again, so that makes you try harder. It’s sort of a Dark Souls thing.”

“The game will be PC-only since Nintendo never got back to me,” added the first-time dev. “I’ve read that platformers aren’t very popular on Steam, but I figure that’ll just make it easier for my game to stand out.”

Friends of the ex-marketing writer have given him feedback on Turtle’s Jumping Journey saying it is “a good start” and “kinda neat for a little hobby project. That’s what it is, right?”

But Petrov’s fiancé and boyfriend of six years, Charley Gibbons, has been nothing but supportive. Said Gibbons, “Oh, I’m not a gamer at all. I was skeptical when John said it would be worth me supporting him financially for two years while he worked on this game, but when he showed me how much money something called Stardew Valley made with just one guy working on it, that made me feel safer. Seems like a sure thing.”

Asked about potential revenue from the 23-month project, Petrov said, “Oh I think it’ll do well. Well enough that my fiancé won’t even be mad when he finds out I took out a second mortgage on the house.”

Turtle’s Jumping Journey is set to release at a price of $39.99.

Hideaki Anno Releases Final Batch of Evangelion Meme Templates

Posted on August 14, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — Japanese animator and filmmaker Hideaki Anno has released the final group of Neon Genesis Evangelion meme templates for shitposters to start working on, a slideshow of images titled Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time.

“It feels like the right time to finally close the book on Neon Genesis Evangelion, perhaps the greatest series of meme templates I will ever create,” said Anno. “Seeing my characters meet Dominic Toretto, Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Homer Simpson, and so many more, has filled my heart. But it had been too long since we created more material for shitposters to work with, and I’m excited that we were able to release another batch of meme templates with a budget large enough for the memes to reach their full potential. In the ‘90s, there were meme ideas I could only dream of. Now I get to see them become a reality.”

“I’m not much of a shitposter myself. Perhaps my greatest meme achievement is when I put a version of ‘Decisive Battle’ in my film Shin Godzilla,” Anno added. “But I merely create the canvas for which the artists paint on.”

According to popular shitposters in the Evangelion community, the new batch of meme templates has been well received.

“As soon as I saw the new templates were available on Amazon Prime, I looked myself in the mirror and said, ‘get in the robot, Shinji,’” said popular Evangelion shitposter AsukaAndYouShallReceivuka86. “The wait for the new Evangelion felt like I was in that silent elevator scene. I’m definitely gonna be looking at my hand like Shinji when I finish watching it all! But now that it’s over, I guess we all come tumbling down, tumbling down… There’s only one thing left to say: congratulations.”

“Yeah, we desperately needed more memes,” they added.

At press time, longtime fans of the series expressed disappointment that Anno was seemingly less depressed when he came up with the imagery in the newest set of meme templates.

Kidz Bop to Enter Film Industry With Kid-Safe Remake of ‘Requiem for a Dream’

Posted on August 13, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

NEW YORK — Branching out from the increasingly less profitable physical music industry, the Kidz Bop company has announced its transition into cinema, debuting with a family friendly remake of filmmaker Darren Aronofsky’s harrowing saga of addiction and loss, Requiem For a Dream, featuring young children in all of the roles.

“Let’s be reasonable here, no one is buying CDs of kids singing contemporary pop songs, at least not like they used to,” Jeff Varnsen, the President of Kidz Bop, who hasn’t released an music album since 2019. “That’s why we’re broadening our horizons and expanding into tackling some of the most thoughtful and cerebral cinema of the last 30 years, starting with that absolute mindfrick of a movie, Requiem for a Dream.”

The project excited many who’d grown up on the audio series, many of which have become parents in the ensuing years.

“It sounded like a horrifying idea at first, remaking Requiem for a Dream with children,” said Devin Carlson, a married father of three. “But the more I thought about it, I think I would like to start introducing my children to the classics. As a kid I was really on my own when it came to great film, and I saw some pretty hardcore Abel Ferrara and Gasper Noé stuff that probably should have been toned down. I’m glad I can expose my kids to the great auteurs without fearing their exposure to violence, swear words, and Jared Leto’s horrifying infection he gets as a result of repeated needle use.”

The scene he mentioned was merely one of many that had been highly altered in order to suit the franchise’s target demographic of young children.

“At first, I was hesitant to let them do this to my film, for obvious reasons,” said Darren Aronofsky, the writer and director of such critically acclaimed films as Black Swan and The Wrestler. “But then when I heard his ideas, like the Tyrone character being hopelessly addicted to Sour Skittles and for Harry to pawn his mother’s television to buy a skateboard, it started to make more sense to me. When I saw the storyboards for the ‘Caboose-to-caboose’ scene, I was all in.”

As of press time, Kidz Bop had announced several more adaptations of films to star child actors expected to release in the following months, including My Dinner With Andre, Grizzly Man, and The Deer Hunter.

Zelda Timeline Explained to No One in Particular

Posted on August 13, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — The correct chronological order of the events depicted in The Legend of Zelda series of video games was the subject of a recent explanation that eyewitnesses confirm was given to no one at all, really.

“That was weird, he kept going on about the different timelines, and I guess I just assumed someone was listening to him,” said Brittany Louis, who was in the Amazing Fantasies comic book store when the unprompted report broke out. “It’s not that I’m not interested in games and lore and all that, but shouldn’t you wait until someone asks you, or maybe the subject’s been brought up, before you start going on and on about the thing? Everyone was kind of looking at each other like, ‘Hey, did you ask this guy about Zelda?’”

Several other witnesses confirmed that at some point they all thought they might’ve been the target of the description of Zelda events.

“When he started up, I was the closest one around, but I hit the deck and crawled away,” said Jack Connor, a longtime customer of Amazing Fantasies. “I’ve seen this kind of thing before. Once it starts, there’s no slowing it down. It just keeps going, and going. Pretty fucking sick if you ask me. I’m just glad I got out of there before I had to hear his own personal theories on any of it.”

The unhinged explanation lasted until closing time, when employee Jamie Sullivan had to close for the night.

“I went to lock up and found him talking about some Child Timeline bullshit,” said Sullivan. “I figured he was on his phone or something, but no, just over there by the T-shirts going on about Zelda. I said he had to get out of here, that we were closed. I told him it was dangerous out there in the thunderstorm, especially if he was going alone, and then he finally shut up and just started looking at me all freaked out. I gotta find a new job, man.”

As of press time, the mysterious boy from the comic book store had been seen wandering into the woods at the edge of town brandishing a makeshift sword.

Review: I Didn’t Want to Spend $15 So Here’s Five Things WRONG with the ‘Free Guy’ Poster in the Lobby

Posted on August 13, 2021 by Camden Brazile

The movies are finally back. We’ve all longed for the day when cinema would return, and it feels so great to go to theaters again. That said, movie prices are also back. I don’t care how charming or quirky Ryan Reynolds is, it can’t be worth fifteen dollars. So instead of nestling into my seat and watching the latest action comedy, I stayed in the lobby nitpicking the poster, and boy, are there some huge plot holes and issues with this thin sheet of paper. Here are five things WRONG with the ‘Free Guy’ poster in the lobby.

1. It Gives Away Too Much

When I go see a film, I like to go in completely blind. Everyone knows modern trailers give away far too much about the movie, but I also think posters do too. After looking at the ‘Free Guy’ poster for almost three hours until the AMC staff asked me to leave, I have a lot of the movie spoiled for me. I not only know Ryan Reynolds will be in this movie from his appearance in the poster, but now I know huge spoilers like when the movie is being released, who wrote the screenplay, and that the AMC staff can be kind of mean sometimes.

2. It Has No Rewatchability

Something I want in a film is to pick up different lines, jokes, and Easter Eggs upon multiple viewings. Unfortunately with the Free Guy poster, I felt like I was able to take it in after the three hours in the lobby and the subsequent five hours I spent peering through the AMC doors until I was chased away by a homeless man. Movies like Donnie Darko and The Shining have hints and elements that I’m still gleaning to this day, but I can’t help but feel the Free Guy poster felt a little two dimensional after 8 hours of analysis.

3. It Doesn’t Hold Up Later

After looking at the poster for a while, I really thought I liked it. The next day I went and begged on my hands and knees to the 17-year-old manager of the movie theater if I could take my beloved poster home so that we could be wed, but I was refused. After smashing the glass and returning it to my home, I started to notice some tears and stains in the poster that I didn’t initially catch, and I’ve concluded that it doesn’t really hold up by today’s standards, especially when you factor in the crutch if needing tape to stay on my wall.

4. Bad Post-Credits Scene

I love waiting around until after the movie ends to see a quirky postscript or funny cameo, but after my poster watching concluded, the only thing that happened was that I was assaulted by an AMC employee.

4.5 HONORABLE MENTION: I Was Assaulted By an AMC Employee

Not bad enough to make the list but I just thought I would say it again unless you missed it the first time.

5. Our Country Is In the Toilet

The biggest problem with the Free Guy poster is an issue on a much larger scale. Whether you’re a liberal or conservative, I think you have to agree that the Free Guy poster did nothing to change your point of view or make your life better. Sure, the poster is a fun 8+ hour experience, but after? You’re forced to return to your shitty, meaningless life and reckon with the downfall of a once shining beacon of democracy and freedom. I wish I could consider myself a ‘Free Guy,’ but I know that I am a slave to the giant grinding machine of capitalism and corporate greed.

I give Ryan Reynolds’ Free Guy 3.5 Stars!

Report: We Also Don’t Make Any Money If You Don’t Click the Fucking Link But We Especially Don’t Make Any Money If You Post the Onion’s Version of This Headline In Our Comments

Posted on August 13, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Informing readers that it was one of the sole means for a digital publication to generate revenue, a report released Sunday indicated that Hard Drive doesn’t make any money if you don’t click the fucking link, but it certainly doesn’t make any money if you prove that point by posting The Onion’s version of this article in our comments in response to people saying they don’t like to click Hard Drive articles.

“According to our findings, most readers seem to think that all of internet satire is under one big satire umbrella,” the read in part, explaining that telling people to click on an article under the url theonion.com doesn’t bring a single fucking cent to the writers who work under the url hard-drive.net. “If you enjoy and engage with Hard Drive’s content at all, and want to continue enjoying and engaging with it for the foreseeable future, then you should consider clicking the fucking link, which by the way, is filled with even more similar jokes for absolutely no cost at all.”

Despite the finding, however, some experts have pushed back against the report.

“While it’s true that Hard Drive receives not a single dollar from people commenting an article from The Onion in response to those saying they don’t read past Hard Drive’s headlines, this report is completely ignoring a very significant amount of context,” said satirical analyst Dr. Anabia Wong. “Despite the fact that Hard Drive’s entire existence is owed to the decades of popularity The Onion enjoyed before its editors knew how to read, Hard Drive currently gives no money to The Onion. Hard Drive is merely driving along the highway that The Onion paved. As someone who has somehow dedicated her life to studying satire, I believe that these publications should function more like professional sports teams or mob bosses; Hard Drive should have to kick back a percent to The Onion merely for existing.”

At press time, sources added that, in all likelihood, all this article would do is convince more people to snarkily post The Onion’s article under Hard Drive’s posts every now and again.

Bahamut Promises Wife to Stop Taking Summon Calls During Family Dinner

Posted on August 13, 2021 by Ryan Fleishman

DEEP SPACE — Saying that he would resolve to put his loved ones before his work obligations moving forward, the almighty dragon king Bahamut promised his wife Rebecca Bahamut-Schmidt and his son Spencer that he would stop answering summon calls from legendary heroes during family dinner.

“Jesus, is that Cloud again? This is the third time this week,” said Bahamut, putting down his fork just before taking the first bite of the chicken pot pie his wife had spent all afternoon preparing. “Doesn’t he know how long it will take me to fly down to Earth at this hour?”

“Whatever it is he’s fighting, just tell him to cast Firaga instead,” said Bahamut-Schmidt, putting her hand on her dragon husband’s large, scaly shoulder. “For heaven’s sake, Bahamut, it’s 8 pm. There are some countries like France that have laws against casting a summon spell this late at night.”

“Maybe if I stood up for myself and refused more summon calls, that spiky-haired idiot would stop summoning the King of Dragons against random packs of goddamn goblins,” continued Bahamut, getting himself worked up thinking about the inequity of his partnership with the sword-wielding adventurer. “Just look at the house Neo Bahamut and his wife live in, why can’t we afford a place like that with all the work that I do? And I’m way faster at my job and cost way less mana than that jerk. That’s it, I’ve had it.”

At press time, Bahamut reportedly stared at his BlackBerry phone for a few moments as it continued to ring before tossing it into the sky and destroying it with a fireball.

Man Quits His Job to Write the Great American Minecraft Novel

Posted on August 13, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

NEWARK, N.J. — Local accountant Steve Denton has quit the drudgery of his 9 to 5 job to pursue his greatest ambition: writing the great American Minecraft novel.

“Oh sure, everyone thinks about it, but he’s actually doing it,” said Sarah Denton, Steve’s wife. “I’m just so proud of him. He’s bringing home a pretty good paycheck right now, but my husband’s happiness is what’s really important. Besides, if this pays off and we get even a hair of that Minecraft money, that’s more than we’d see in our entire lives! I really think Steve909’s Big Bad Castle Adventure Volume One is going to be the thing that changes this family’s life.”

The project, which reportedly has been started and stopped several times during nights and weekends, has reportedly been in his brain for years.

“Oh yeah, I know the plot and characters and everything, I just have to write it down,” said Denton, the soon to be wildly successful first time author. “It’s tough to explain in a conversation, but it deals with life, loss, redemption, lava, and there’s a bit of political commentary in there, too. It’s a crowded marketplace, but no good dream sounds reasonable. I’m chasing this one.”

Denton’s former supervisor expressed skepticism about him carving out a place in a well established, ultra popular subgenre of American literature.

“He thinks he has a shot at becoming a Minecraft author?” said his old boss. “First of all, he’s like five years too late. Second of all, the World War Z guy is writing fucking Minecraft books now. If he thinks he can compete with the skillset and nepotism afforded a guy like Mel Brooks’ son, then have at it. I told him we’d keep his spot open here. The world of Minecraft novels is cutthroat, everyone knows that.”

As of press time, a sticky kid at the library was anxiously awaiting the release of Steve909’s Big Bad Castle Adventure Volume One.

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