Microsoft Confirms ‘Stardew Valley’ Coming to Game Pass as Long as We All Agree Joja Corporation Is Not Evil

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft has confirmed that the popular indie game Stardew Valley will be included with Xbox Game Pass later this year, as long as everybody is in agreement that Joja Corporation are not the bad guys in the game.

“We’re thrilled to bring such a vibrant, emotionally rich video game to Game Pass,” said Phil Spencer, Vice President of Gaming at Microsoft. “The only stipulation is that every single subscriber checks a box confirming that they like JojaMart, that corporations are not evil at all, and also that the guy from Joja Corporation, Morris, is a good guy.”

The announcement came during the ID@Xbox presentation, which focused on Microsoft’s relationship with independent developers.

“You can tell Stardew Valley was made with care by a genuine artist, an independent mind with genuine passion for their work,” said Spencer. “That’s how the game is able to get across such powerful messages, like ‘community is good’ and ‘nature is good’ and ‘JojaMart is good.’ Emphasis on that last one, because it’s a dealbreaker.”

After the event, Microsoft issued a press release that included a short description of the game.

Stardew Valley is a story about a sad, pathetic, absolutely hopeless small town of losers, and the big, cool corporation that generously offers to fix it,” read Microsoft’s description. “Players will have a blast eliminating all that pesky local culture, putting shops out of business, and replacing community activities with endless low-wage work — and that’s only the beginning!”

When told that the player character was laid off by Joja Corporation at the very beginning of the game, Spencer put reporters in touch with HR and had no further comment.

Idris Elba Clarifies That He Just Tweeted That Pic Because He Likes Knuckles a Lot

LOS ANGELES — Idris Elba clarified that the viral tweet many have taken as confirmation that he is playing Knuckles in the Sonic the Hedgehog sequel was actually posted because he just really likes Knuckles a lot. 

“Oh boy, I really bungled this one up,” said Elba, just minutes after tweeting out a picture of what appeared to be a closeup of Knuckles’ arm and the caption ‘Knock Knock.’ “I was just poking around on some forums and playing a ROM of Sonic & Knuckles and just generally kind of sitting around thinking about Knuckles all day, so I tweeted that picture. I see now how it might have been confusing.” 

Executives were surprised at what seemed like a confirmation of casting information they had not yet released. 

“We’re really in a tough spot now,” said an executive from Paramount. “We were going to do a lot of Tails stuff in the sequel, maybe Shadow. But now people are probably going to be pretty pissed if we don’t have Knuckles in there. And I guess if we don’t hire Idris, huh? Fuck, I’m not sure if we have that in the budget at this point.” 

As of press time, Knuckles superfan Elba offered to play the role for free.

Andrew Cuomo Accepts Leadership Position at Activision Blizzard

NEW YORK — Following his resignation as Governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo announced today that he has accepted a leadership position at video game company Activision Blizzard.

“It is not yet known what Cuomo’s new role in the company will be, but it is an executive position near the head of the company,” revealed a source close to the information. “What I know is that he was chosen for his bureaucratic experience, smart politicking, and his ability to fit in with the company’s culture. Activision Blizzard is especially interested in his history covering up major scandals like the death of thousands of people at nursing homes due to COVID-19. Who knows how that kind of expertise could be applied to the video game world? We’re living in very exciting times.”

According to Cuomo, he is excited for the opportunity to be in an executive position once again, and hopes to eventually become the President of Activision Blizzard.

“Activision Blizzard has unfortunately fallen on hard times recently, and I am excited to help them find themselves in my own way. As an Italian, it has been incredibly difficult for me to express myself in an Italian way at many different jobs. Activision Blizzard, however, has assured me that this will be no problem here,” Cuomo said in a statement to the press. “Because I love Activision Blizzard very very much. I am a Terran. I am a Zerg. I am a Protoss. I am a member of the Alliance. I am a member of the Horde. I am a D.Va main. I am a Junkrat main. I am a Genji main. I am a Diablo character. I am a generic soldier guy from Call of Duty. And I am Crash Bandicoot.”

At press time, Cuomo had already reportedly finished a first draft of his new book detailing how he solved the crisis at Activision Blizzard.

Shy Guy Discovers Philosophical Doppelganger Why Guy

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — During a routine shift guarding a stretch of Mushroom Kingdom, erstwhile henchman Shy Guy met his bizarro world counterpart: a deeply introspective masked man named Why Guy. 

“Whaaaaaaat happens when we die, eh, eh?” asked Why Guy, when asked which part of the Mushroom Kingdom he inhabits. “Why spend our lives in servitude when we all return back to the sand in the end, eh? Whyyyy must I wear this mask? Whaaaaaat kind of life is this?!”

The masked figure, who looks more or less like Shy Guy save for a weird bendy mustache and the longest legs you’ve ever seen, reportedly is not affiliated with anyone else in the mushroom kingdom. 

“That pesky puke brain?” said Bowser when asked if he’d ever come into contact with the deep thinking creature. “I’ve never met him but one time some of my boys ran into him while they were out fucking around. He blew their minds with some dark shit and some of them haven’t been the same ever since. Iggy stayed in bed for a week! You keep that philosophical fuckhead away from me!” 

Although rumors of Why Guys have floated around the Mushroom Kingdom since the early ‘90s, today’s encounter was the most concrete ever captured on film. Much is still unknown about the creature, including whether he’s a good or evil.

“I don’t-a know this guy’s deal,” said Mario Mario, local plumber and 24-time rescuer of the entire kingdom. “I ask him-a question, he ask-a me one back. I tell him it’s-a me, Mario, he tells me there’s more to life than mushrooms and-a coins. I don’t like-a this guy! He told Yoshi he no have-a soul and I said I’ll a-see you in Hell and he said he’ll a-see me in the a-collective unconscious. Is that a kart racing level?”

As of press time, the horrified Shy Guy had turned around and kinda shuffled away from the Why Guy.

Riverwood Trader Announces Double Reward Points When You Pre-Order 10 or More Cheese Wheels and Enter Code ‘FUSRO’ at Checkout

RIVERWOOD, W.H. — Local general goods store Riverwood Trader has announced that all customers will earn double reward points by using the special code ‘FUSRO’ when pre-ordering 10 or cheese wheels. 

“This rewards program is going to shake things up around here,” announced Riverwood Trader operator and merchant Lucan Valerius. “For instance, we’ve always loved the Dragonborn at Riverwood Trader, but now we’re giving the Dovahkiin some special perks to go with that title. Specifically if they buy at least cheese wheels in advance first.”

Yet other members of the shop were not as excited. When asked about the new program, Camilla Valerius, sister to Lucian and second in command at Riverwood, expressed her doubts. 

“I’m not so confident about this program, truth be told. This just feels like another one of my brother’s last-ditch efforts to save our dying business,” said Camila. “It’s like when he mandated that employees push pre-used Iron Arrows at no cost. We lost a lot of customers with that one.”

Residents of the town were also skeptical of the business’s recent practices, with some even offering business suggestions for the dying company.

“The solution is simply one word: figurines,” said Riverwood lumberjack Embry. “I make no joke. Everyone in Whiterun wants little wooden statues of their favorite Skyrim legends inside their homes. So let’s just ditch the boring shopkeep wares and throw the little figurines in the store. Perhaps the store should also include some bygone goods, like antique helmets that are hard to come by. We’ll call those ‘retro’ items. I’ve been speaking highly of that venture for the Riverwood Trader for years.” 

At press time, Lucian had been killed by the Last Dragonborn after a reported altercation over the company’s trade-in policy. Lucian, 33, was found with a basket over his head and the entire store’s cheese wheel supply stolen.

Nation Comes Together in Moment of Grand Unity Over Feeling Weird and Sad About Chris Chan

UNITED STATES — Members of all political parties and allegiances came together in a moment of unity following the arrest of Sonichu creator Chris Chan on an incest charge, citing feelings of weirdness and sadness about the situation.

“I saw it trending on Twitter, so I said ‘uh oh!’ and clicked and saw what happened… and I just deflated. I stood up and walked out of my house onto the street and to my surprise, found that all of my neighbors had done the same,” said Massachusetts resident Taryn Franks. “I found myself talking to people I hadn’t spoken to in years. People who I disagree with on every major political and cultural issue in the world. But on that day, we just talked — not about politics, but about our lives. There was something bigger going on that we knew transcended petty arguments. The Chris Chan thing, to be clear.”

Around the nation, people have experienced similar situations following the arrest.

“I’m as rightwing as it gets. Hell, even I admit I’ve said some pretty nasty stuff about trans people. But I can’t pin this on them… it’s just not fair,” said Alabama resident Leo Jarvis. “In this moment, we need to forget our differences, even the ones that make other people inherently less than me, and remember that we’re all Americans. We’re all going through this moment together.”

“I’m a Clinton/Biden voter and my parents are Trump supporters. I swore off all communication with them after the 2016 election, but I felt like I had to just call them up today,” said California resident Harlen Beech. “They had just seen the news on Fox — it’s a crazy day that none of us will ever forget. I don’t know how long it will take for us to mend our relationship, but it’s going to be a long journey. In some sick way, I think I need to thank Chris Chan.”

When asked to comment, Chris Chan sent a lengthy message that made us think, “nah we’re not gonna put that on a website.”

YouTube Film Critic Worried After Seeing Video of Robot Rolling Its Eyes Convincingly

SAN FRANCISCO — A tech demo showing a recently developed automaton with the ability to critique movies and roll their eyes at them has reportedly left one YouTube film critic terrified for his future. 

“Oh man, I knew this fucking day would come,” said Nathan Mitchell, who posts film reviews regularly on his channel Nate Mitch’s Hits and Misses. “It’s so advanced, the way it leads with a thesis and shoehorns whatever it feels like into that thesis, the way it makes absolutely introductory level observations, and that’s not even mentioning its pissy, condescending demeanor. I got six months left in the game, tops.” 

The robot was originally planned for much more admirable work, engineers have revealed. 

“We had high hopes for this thing, we really did,” said Lisa Covington, engineer at Michigan State University. “We thought we could have it scan the airwaves and internet for broadcasts that sought to misinform or falsely persuade viewers. However, our first test unit just droned on and on about ways that the stuff it watched could’ve been better, and honestly most of us fell asleep. Doctor Bradley stayed up though, and said that when the robot started talking about the hero’s journey in Joker he knew we were sitting on a goldmine.” 

The team of engineers has swiftly adjusted their plans and have now started a monetized YouTube channel where they show the android contemporary films and upload its responses to them. 

“Oh my god, R9-3-5-11X2 is my new film review channel, hands down,” said YouTube user Cameron Hernandez. “The way he cites the film’s most obvious influences like it’s rocket science, the way he can talk for a minute without actually making a point, and of course, the smug, smug nature of it all. This box of lights and wires has got the goods, people.” 

As of press time, Mitchell was uploading a negative review of the robot to YouTube. 

Back 4 Blood Zombie Claims He Was Just Saying “Dinger”

POST-APOCALYPTIC DENVER — A Back 4 Blood zombie accused of saying a horrific racial slur this week now claims that he was actually trying to get the attention of his friend, a fellow zombie known as Dinger.

“Yeah, uh, I saw the video of me going viral saying what sounds like the n-word. Holy shit, so embarrassing. What you can’t tell is that, uh, just off-screen is my buddy Dinger, who is also a zombie. I was just trying to get his attention so that I could say hi,” said the zombie in question. “I know this sounds like a stretch, but I’m just trying to get my job back in the game because it’s actually really hard to get work as a zombie.”

Despite the apology, some fans were not impressed.

“This motherfucker clearly saw the news about the Rockies fan and just tried to hop on the same train,” said a fan on Twitter. “We see through your shit, you fucking zombie. This is why we have to shoot you in the head!”

At press time, the zombie in question was apparently hired by a group of nazi zombies in Call of Duty who were impressed by his tact.

Opinion: I Know Blizzard Sucks But This Video Essay On Why I Love Them Took Me 7 Months

Have you ever worked hard to build something with your own two hands, only for all that effort to be destroyed by some allegations?

Because god damn it, “How Blizzard Taught Me To Be A Better Person” was going to be an amazing 2,000 subscriber special. I am frustrated, disgusted and outraged at Blizzard for not coming forward about their toxic workplace before I spent over half a year of my fucking life slobbering all over their dicks in a video form.

Yes, I know that Activision Blizzard is a cancerous tumor in the gaming industry that needs to be removed. Yes, I did still release my video where I call them “every developer’s dream job.” I could have changed “dream” to “nightmare,” but I don’t think that would flow too well with the rest of the 30 page Frankenstein’s monster of a script that I put my blood, sweat, tears and two weeks of PTO into.

What do you all want me to do? Just not release it? Judging from all of my raw audio files, I spent over three days of my life sitting in my bedroom closet to record the voice over. My girlfriend actually threatened to leave me after I made her watch the 4th rough cut of the video.

Yet still my fans are accusing me of contributing to the problem by ignoring the harm Activision Blizzard has done. I am not ignoring it, I am just selectively deciding not to acknowledge it at the moment. 

So please, everyone, I am aware that Activision Blizzard is full of scumbags that encourage the worst in each other. But if I can’t release this video to get some ad revenue, doesn’t that just mean there’s one more person that’s been hurt by their actions? Think about it.

In relation to my channel, I’ll be going in a much more negative direction from here on out. Look forward to my next video, “How The Gaming Industry Taught Me To Never Trust Again,” which I expect to be out by the end of this week!

Conan O’Brien Delivers Tearful Goodbye to Family Before Running 15 Minute Errand

BRENTWOOD — After a morning spent baking at his Los Angeles home, comedian and talk show host Conan O’Brien broke down while announcing to his family that he would be leaving to get more eggs from the grocery store.

“I’m immensely proud of all the great stuff we created these past few hours,” said O’Brien in his farewell address to his bewildered wife and kids. “We made some really great bits of strudel, cookies, and cakes. I’m especially proud of those Boston cream pies. But none of it would have ever been possible without those incredible farm fresh eggs. I will forever cherish the food and the special memories we created these last few hours.”

After delivering the emotional hour-long speech and tearfully hugging his family, O’Brien was seen walking to the nearby wholesale grocery store Harvest Barn Outlet where he was seen buying more eggs before immediately returning home to make some Masturbating Bear Claws.

“I used to see him all the time at Turner Brothers Supermarket,” said general manager Jason Kilar. “I finally told him that he could buy his baking stuff in bulk and for a way better deal at our other store, Harvest Barn Outlet. And it’s closer to his house. It was a tough transition for him — he cried a lot — but it was ultimately a good move.”

When O’Brien was asked what he would make with the new eggs, he replied, “I don’t know, probably the same stuff. I might swear more?”

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