Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Dying Gamer Uses Last Breath to Recommend ‘Ghost of Tsushima’ If You Haven’t Played It

Posted on August 17, 2021 by Andy Holt

LANCASTER, Pa. — Recently deceased gamer Kyle Larson used his final words to recommend the PlayStation video game Ghost of Tsushima to anybody who hasn’t given it a shot yet.

“Kyle said he loved me, thanked me for giving meaning to his life, and then, as the light faded from his eyes, he told me Ghost of Tsushima was totally worth checking out sometime,” said Jessica Larson, his wife of 26 years. “I’ve heard a lot of people recommend that title, but this felt different. Something in his face told me he really enjoyed the game.”

In addition to the verbal message, Jessica also remembered feeling a spiritual connection with her husband near the end.

“I’m not a religious person, but I swear, I could hear his voice in my head,” said Jessica, speaking of the last few minutes she spent holding his hand. “He said, ‘Jess, my love, if you’ve been looking for an action-packed samurai game that rewards patience and exploration, look no further than Ghost of Tsushima.’ It’s something I’ll never forget.”

When reached for comment, Larson’s son only wished his father had more time on this Earth.

“If he’d lived longer, even just another minute, I think Dad would have wanted people to know about the mode where the game looks all trippy, like an old Japanese movie,” said his son Timmy, 23, who was present at his bedside. “Seems pretty dope.”

At press time, neither Jessica nor Timmy had followed the recommendation, claiming they didn’t have a PS5 and didn’t really feel like digging out the old PS4.

We Have Decided, As an Editorial Team, to Not Look Up What the ‘Boyfriend Dungeon’ Story Is

Posted on August 17, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

The video game world is lighting up with hot takes about a new video game titled Boyfriend Dungeon, the importance of artistic integrity, and how far content warnings should go. That’s as far as we know and that’s the limit for our website, because we have decided, as an editorial team, to not look into whatever the fuck is going on with this story.

Boyfriend Dungeon, as far as we understand it, is a video game that people are angry about. That’s enough information for us and you know what? We’ve heard it all before. If you’re curious about our thoughts on this kind of situation, feel free to dive through all our articles about all the other times people have been angry about a video game. While we don’t know the details, we’re sure there’s at least something in there that’ll get the job done for you.

And we know that Kotaku, Polygon, IGN, and all the other websites are all diving into this story headfirst. Good for them. In fact, it sounds like they have it covered. Not really sure why we would need to do any article, it looks like everybody has already done one.

In fact, one of our writers posted a screenshot of someone complaining about Boyfriend Dungeon in our Slack and we deleted it. No thanks. Not interested in this one. Don’t even want to know. Don’t have the time or the interest. To even Google the game to know how we should structure a legitimate take on it would be a bridge too far for us.

Besides, we’re really busy working on our exposé about how Splitgate is like Halo if you could use the portal gun from Portal.

Welp: We Were Gonna Do Something Called ‘GameShark Week,’ But We’re Out of Shit to Write About Already

Posted on August 17, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

Fuck, man. I pitched GameShark Week and figured it was a home run for sure. I lied and said I had a week’s worth of content planned. Everyone rejoiced at the meeting when I said it. Phrases like “slam dunk” and “Mark with the big dick” were thrown around, but alas — I got ahead of myself, and now I think GameShark Week is running on fumes just one day into it. Crap.

I sent in “Ranking Every GameShark,” which isn’t the worst thing for a site like ours to put up, when you think about it. People click lists, everyone knows that. The article would have done okay, but I hadn’t thought of a single other GameShark article for this week, and I promised my editor Jeremy “a dozen or two.” Now he keeps calling my phone and I am terrified. Okay, I’m actually going to throw this phone out the window.

There. I think that will buy me some time. Maybe I could hop on Twitch and, like, put GameShark codes in? Or maybe I could interview gamers and journalists about what the GameShark meant to them? Oh fuck, we did that article already. Did anyone read it? Maybe we can run it again. I’ll pitch that to Jeremy. Oh wait, I threw my phone out the window. Well, I’ll just remember for when I see him next.

Ok, think, Mark. Think, think, think, think, think. Let’s try some free association. Shark, water, games, water games, Jaws, water polo, Jaws on Nintendo, Shark Boy and Lava Girl, Sewer Sharks. Is any of that anything? Maybe I could tell Jeremy he heard me wrong and it’s actually Sewer Shark Week.

Wait, shit, we did Sewer Shark Week last year. Goddamn.

Okay, here’s one. ‘Top Ten Games That Would Be Better if They Had GameShark Stuff.’ Yeah, let’s do that! Okay, that’s what this article is now. Sorry. Ok, here we go.

Uh, so like, Red Dead Redemption? There could be a code that lets you sober up if you drink too much? Oh man, what a great time that could be. Don’t you guys think it would be really great if you could put a GameShark code into Red Dead Redemption that made you less drunk? I think it sounds great. What a great idea.

Isn’t this fun? I hope everyone is enjoying GameShark Week as much as I am! See you tomorrow for some more GameShark content. It’ll be right here on the website. You’ll see it!

Sound off in the comments if you had a GameShark, what you’d like to use it on today, and what kind of things we could write articles about for Wednesday through Sunday. Happy GameShark Week everyone!

Photo via YouTube.

Client Doesn’t Get Why 5-Month Pregnant Artist Can’t Just Release Baby Already

Posted on August 17, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

HENDERSON, Nev. — Local man Albert Nixon is reportedly harassing artist and surrogate mother Annabelle Dotson about when her baby will be born despite Dotson being pregnant for just five months.

“I don’t get it at all! I know she said the baby was going to take nine months to be completed, but I figured she was just exaggerating. What the hell could possibly be taking so long?!” Nixon asked. “I paid really good money for Annabelle to be the surrogate mother for my baby, so I think I’m entirely in my right to demand that the baby be born right away. When she told me nine months, I thought that included the time it would take to fix any edits I had in mind, free of charge. If the baby doesn’t come out looking exactly how I want it to look, you bet I’m going to send it back with notes!”

Dotson, however, sees the experience as regular, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’m an artist by trade, so I make most of my money drawing fursona commissions for people. So yeah, I wasn’t too surprised by this guy,” Dotson explained. “Before I even agreed to be a surrogate mother for this guy, he tried to convince me to do the whole thing for free. He said he would give me a shoutout on his Instagram account when he posted a picture of the baby. Not really sure what he thought that exposure would be good for… getting my name out there to be a surrogate for a more expensive baby?”

At press time, Nixon had reportedly threatened to commission a different surrogate mother who could produce a baby on a faster timeline if Dotson wasn’t able to agree to his demands.

Guy Who Just Bought $250 Arcade Stick Losing Even Harder Now

Posted on August 17, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

TAMPA, Fla. — Local fighting game player Jake “BanditBoy” Steeler has reportedly lost every single match of Guilty Gear: Strive since upgrading to a high-quality $250 arcade stick, according to sources close to the matter.

“After playing casually for years, I thought it was finally time for me to take the plunge and get a stick like the pros at EVO use” Steeler said, as he failed to input a quarter-circle forward for the fifth time in a row. “I did a ton of research because I really wanted to get the most optimal stick to give me that competitive edge. I ended up with the Qanba Pearl, I’m still adjusting to it but I know in the long run it’s going to be great!”

While Steeler used to go 0 and 2 at local fighting game events, since purchasing the stick Steeler has managed to maintain an average record of zero wins and four losses per event, a feat which tournament organizers have described as “impossible” and “not how tournaments work.”

“Controller choice doesn’t matter as much as you think,” said local top player Brian “TITKING” Smalley, who has been dominating the local FGC with a MadCatz Xbox 360 controller for the last 12 years. “It costs zero dollars to block. Jake, please just block. Please.”

Despite the offers of advice and coaching from the local pros, Steeler seems to be doubling down, insisting that a few more upgrades will set him on the road to success.

“I think I just have to do a couple tweaks and then I’ll see some improvement, I’m going to buy a Korean lever and a set of mechanical-switch buttons, and maybe I should buy an octagon gate to replace the square gate,” Steeler explained, as he pressed the Kick button instead of the Slash button while trying to input a reversal. “If I install a new zero-delay PCB, that would reduce the input delay by a few milliseconds for only $70, I think that would make a huge difference for me!”

At press time, Steeler had reportedly lost so many online matches of Guilty Gear: Strive that the game ranked him at Floor 0, a floor that no other player is bad enough to enter.

SEGA Confirms Real Hedgehog Couldn’t Actually Run That Fast

Posted on August 17, 2021 by Kyle Erf

TOKYO — In a stunning press conference this morning, SEGA has finally validated the long-held fan theory that Sonic the Hedgehog’s abilities do not reflect what a real hedgehog is biologically capable of.

“We are embarrassed and ashamed it has come to this,” said SEGA representative Ichika Morimoto. “The rumors are true. Sonic is faster than the ordinary hedgehog because he is in fact a complete fabrication. As far as we know, no hedgehog is blue, nor can one eat even a small fraction of a chili dog.”

“We are sorry we lied,” continued a somber Morimoto. “Years ago, our executives got drunk and just kept telling people that hedgehogs were really fast and then we couldn’t go back on it. The lie became too big and we ended up making a game about how fast hedgehogs are.”

The mea culpa is a believed attempt at getting in front of an upcoming bombshell study on hedgehog reaction to video game-style stimuli out of UC San Diego. Said UCSD researcher Dr. Susan Khumalo, “Our experiments show the Sonic the Hedgehog series to be a big falsehood. Even when assisted by an extremely fast treadmill or pinball machine bumpers, velocity never exceeded 20 mph.”

“While we’re busting myths,” Khumalo added, “a hedgehog also can’t defeat a robot in combat. In our tests the robot won every time.”

Fan reaction online was mostly flat, with some disappointment. “I had never thought of Sonic in terms of a real hedgehog before,” said one Reddit user. “I’m upset because I just looked up what real hedgehog genitals look like and my fanfictions need a complete rewrite.”

At the end of SEGA’s press conference, the spokeswoman let loose a few more stunning revelations: “Flying squirrels only have one tail and we don’t even know what an echidna is. Shadow, however, is real.”

Magic Spell Heals Same Amount as Eating Tomato

Posted on August 15, 2021 by Kevin Hufe

SOLANUM REALM — The magic and agricultural industries of the realm of Solanum are in turmoil following a recent exposé that the popular life rejuvenation spell “Spell of Healing” supplies the same amount of energy as eating an average farm-grown tomato.

“As soon as I saw the results of our tests, my first thought was, ‘The people have to know about this.’” explained whistleblower Darthmar the Terrible, a rogue belonging to the party that discovered the controversy after frantically trying to heal up after a difficult random encounter. “People in some towns are spending as much as 250 gold for the scroll that teaches you Spell of Healing. As a rogue I steal from people for a living and even I think this is crooked.”

Wizards across Solanum are scrambling to defend the fair market value of their arcane magic considering that all of their efforts to distill the very essence of life itself are just as potent as naturally occurring fruits and vegetables.

“Listen alright, it’s a level 1 spell, what do you expect?” Daldoff the Grey, Wizard of White Mountain explained in a press release through a spokesperson. “We have to water the entry-level spells down to be able to distribute them to everybody, that’s just economics. Maybe this is more about this generation being spoiled by instant gratification. Either save up your gold for a professional-level incantation if that’s what you want, or hit the books and learn how to do it yourself. There’s 3 schools of magic on this continent alone, if you put in the work and get to level 25 and you can spam Continuous Heal as long as you need, you ingrates.”

At press time, the price of antidote vials has plummeted after a separate discovery that the body naturally heals poison after a good night’s sleep.

Nintendo Switch Leaker Reveals Bayonetta 3 Will Be a Video Game

Posted on August 15, 2021 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

According to leaked internal documents, posted to Twitter by industry insider “makomaro,” the highly-anticipated Bayonetta 3 will be released as a video game, which is “a form of computer entertainment played by manipulating images on a screen in order to achieve various goals.”

The included schematics also suggest the “video game” will be playable with a controller, which the leak defines as “an external peripheral device used to operate software on a gaming console.”

In a final post, makomaro concluded that, based on the current evidence, the game is probably being developed by a video game developer, a studio that specializes in the production of computer entertainment. He noted, however, that readers should take this analysis “with a grain of salt.”

Fans of the Bayonetta series have been eagerly awaiting more news on the mysterious sequel ever since its first teaser back in 2017. Extensive research has revealed that a teaser is a small preview of an upcoming event that presents little to no information on its contents. This leak represents the first scraps of tangible news for the upcoming title since its first reveal. Following makomaro’s tweets, fans began to speculate as to whether Bayonetta 3 will be playable in their living rooms or if the game will feature sound.

When asked about confirmation regarding the leak, game developer Hideki Kamiya stated in an email:

“I am simply a director, someone who is in charge of the general operation of producing media, running an organization, or performing an activity. Idiots who leak things need to stop making such ridiculous assumptions.”

As of writing, it has not yet been confirmed if Bayonetta 3 will cost money upon its release.

‘Gamers Choice Awards’ Immediately Cancelled Upon Seeing What Gamers Chose

Posted on August 15, 2021 by Kyle Erf

LOS ANGELES — The hotly anticipated Gamers Choice Awards, a show recognizing achievement in the games industry based on public voting, pulled the plug on their planned event mere minutes after tabulating poll results.

“The gamers have made their voices heard. And because of that, we cannot ethically carry on with this event,” said Grant Martinez, host and longtime member of the games press. “We at the GCA are touched with the passionate response we’ve gotten, but in retrospect allowing write-in votes was clearly a mistake.”

“We’ve learned a lot from your votes,” continued the statement from Martinez. “We learned that gamers think indie games are boring trash and that AAA games are recycled garbage. We learned that you think the game with best graphics this year was a pencil drawing of Sonic where he’s inflated like a balloon and having his feet tickled by a human woman — oddly enough, the only woman allowed into this year’s winners circle. And we learned that 80,000 of you have the first name Ligma.”

Event insiders noted other categories were equally defaced. YouTuber Pewdiepie swept most contests including best strategy game, best physics, and best sound design, though he failed to win “Influencer of the Year,” which went to “DarksydePhil Jerking Off On Stream Five Years Ago.” Several categories were also won by a list of names, addresses, and phone numbers of over 200 games journalists.

“Grant fought hard to keep the show on track despite the voting,” said one event producer on condition of anonymity. “But the advertisers pulled out immediately once the results leaked. The only company willing to stick on was something billing itself as ‘the world’s most racist energy drink.’ Please know this was no trivial decision. We already paid DJ Khalid. We aren’t getting that money back.”

At press time it is unclear whether Martinez and crew would give this another shot next year. The somber press release ended noting one thing: the game of the year award would have gone to GTA 5.

Nintendo Announces Metroid Prime 5

Posted on August 15, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

KYOTO, Japan — Video game company Nintendo announced today it is just going to skip the highly anticipated Metroid Prime 4 and go right to Metroid Prime 5, which is beginning production now.

“Yeah Metroid Prime 4 obviously isn’t coming out at this point and we just needed a mulligan. So, without further ado, fuck it: we are beginning production on Metroid Prime 5,” explained Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa in a surprise Direct. “Fans are probably wondering, ‘if it’s the fourth game in the Metroid Prime series, regardless of name, isn’t this just Metroid Prime 4?’ It’s not. You are never going to play Metroid Prime 4. Despite this fact, Metroid Prime 5 will be a sequel to Metroid Prime 4 in every way. It will continue the story right where 4 left off, even though fans will have no idea what happened in that story, and the gameplay will build upon the existing gameplay we had planned for 4 that will never be completed.”

“We understand that this may be frustrating for longtime Metroid fans, but please see this from our perspective,” Furukawa added. “Sometimes you just need to say ‘whatever, fuck this,’ and start a new thing from scratch. Maybe one day after getting 5 out of our system, we’ll find the inspiration to finish up 4 once and for all, but I highly highly doubt it. That being said, all the files are still on our computers, so it’s not like we’re going to toss them in the trash bin or anything.”

Nintendo fans across the internet have responded to the announcement with confusion and cautious optimism.

“I had already given up hope of ever playing Metroid Prime 4 so I guess I’m just happy to soon be controlling Samus in a 3D environment again,” said Nintendo blogger Kamila Grey. “The story thing sounds pretty confusing, but let’s be real, it’s a Metroid game. I’m not super worried I’m gonna be desperately confused as to why I’m shooting at ugly space monsters and trying to find some power suit upgrade. It’s not a particularly complicated story, like it’s Tolstoy novel or a Kingdom Hearts game.”

“Nintendo could hand me a copy of Halo 2 but they scratched out the name and wrote ‘Samus’ on the top of the box art in Sharpie and I’d pay $100 for it,” said video game journalist Giovanni Colantonio. “I am not fucking around here. Give me more Metroid games.”

At press time, Nintendo announced that development of Metroid Prime 5 had slowed after several developers felt a collective sense of deep ennui.

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