Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Untitled Goose Game Village Still at 0% Vaccinated

Posted on August 31, 2021 by Zach Raffio

UNTITLED VILLAGE — As vaccination rates continue to climb nationwide due to expanded eligibility and availability, local vaccination numbers have unfortunately remained steady at 0%, largely due to that mischievous little goose knocking the syringe out of every pharmacist’s hand before they can administer the shot.

“It’s frustrating. I’ve tried to get the shot three times, and each time that goose has stolen the needle and ran away, forcing the pharmacist to do that weird hunched-over run after it,” noted resident Martha Simulls, whose age and physical frailty has made her a high-risk COVID patient and goose target. “I can’t tell you how many shots have ended up in the river or under a carrot in that one guy’s garden.”

The goose, whose tactics also include honking and scaring the pharmacist right before the shot so they miss, has been a terror ever since the pandemic hit, constantly entering shops without a mask. Some health officials have tried innovative ways of eluding the pandemic-perpetuating nuisance.

“We’ve tried abandoning the local shop, hoping that he’d take the time to destroy that while we get some shots in,” noted Dr. Liam Gertry, who attempted to drive to a neighboring town to get his shot, but couldn’t, as the goose stole his car key. “At one point we put out a decoy picnic, but he saw right through that. We’ve even left that one paper airplane boy alone as bait, but the goose wasn’t interested, which was somehow even sadder.”

While most residents are upset by the lack of vaccination, some have praised the goose for standing up against an “oppressive government.”

“That goose understands that there just isn’t enough info about these vaccines, and they are not safe,” noted resident Chuck Openhis, founder of the Parler page Untitled Tracking Device. “He’s a hero, and I like to think that even if he could get the vaccine, he wouldn’t. But he can’t ‘cause he is fully a goose.”

At press time, the goose was seen handing out fliers for a mass gathering masqueraded as “socially distanced,” at which it will lock all residents in one room in an attempt to further spread the Delta Variant.

Expert Speedrunner Comes Out of Mario 64 Playthrough a Little Bit Younger

Posted on August 30, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — Simon Weaver, an expert in the enduringly popular Mario 64 speedrunning scene, has turned a corner that many are saying will resonate through competitive gaming forever, getting a little younger during a recent playthrough.

“Whoa, this changes everything we thought we knew about how fast you can possibly do something,” said Kira Schmidt, a fellow Mario 64 enthusiast that was present for the historical time traveling run. “Naturally we all used to just think that the fastest possible time would be a small number, minutes or seconds or something. But what no one considered is that you might actually reverse time and beat the game in negative two days, like this fuckin’ gnar dog right here just did!”

The run, which utilized a few standard tricks as well as a few secret interdimensional secrets he’d developed on his own, shattered all previous successful speed runs of the iconic Mario 64.

“There’s still a lot of confusion surrounding this, so let me clear it up,” said Weaver shortly after the record breaking performance. “The simple, two dimensional videos of my run will show a time of 1 hour and 32 minutes, but anyone that was in the room and saw my stubble disappear will tell you that I actually went back in time two days, making my official score one of negative 37 hours, 18 minutes. All 120 stars.”

Executives at Nintendo congratulated him on his success, in addition to publicly reckoning with the weight of the accomplishment.

“We want Nintendo products to be something everyone continues to love as they get older. And frankly, now that you have us thinking about it, we want it to go the other way too,” said Nintendo president Doug Bowser. “We’ve always said Nintendo has what it takes to bring out your inner child. We just didn’t, you know, think our games were the secret to aging in reverse. Holy shit. This kid really warped, huh? That’s fucked up.”

As of press time, Weaver was overheard asking everyone what day it was.

Mega Man Battle Network Collection Released Exclusively for PC

Posted on August 30, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

OSAKA, Japan — Enthusiasts of the Mega Man: Battle Network series celebrated as one astute fan stumbled upon the full 6-game collection online this morning released in a bold move exclusively for PC and Mac.

“Uh yeah, I really can’t believe it’s finally here. It’s so uhh, cool of Capcom to finally come through. Completely of their own volition and with their knowledge,” said Evan Morgan, the observant Battle Network fan who came across the surprisingly quiet release. “And on uTorrent of all places? That’s such a bold move. It’s uhhh, it’s probably like… a reference to the Undernet! Yeah that’s it, it’s an in-joke. Like there’s a dark version of the internet in the games where people plot, cheat and stea— uhm, I mean, find legitimate versions of classic mid-aughts JRPGs. Cool stuff.”

Curt Lobb, die-hard fan and N1GP Discord moderator, seemed uncharacteristically nervous when approached for comment on the news.

“I know I speak for all of my fellow .EXE-heads when I say we are shocked and appalled that anyone would even dream of saying that this release was both a) illegitimate or b) had absolutely anything to do with the community,” he shakily protested with no provocation. After reminding him that the release’s legitimacy had not come into question, and consenting to a wire pat-down, Lobb said, “Oh! Yeah, no, sorry about that. It’s just been a big day for us. We’re all very excited about this release, and it’s got us feeling like our Navi Customizers have a few pink program blocks touching other pink program blocks, if you know what I mean.”

At press time, Capcom both casually confirmed their involvement with the release and shared their plans for the future of the franchise. “End of the day, we’re just glad that the emails are finally going to stop. Go nuts, everybody. Maybe you’ll get a pachinko machine in five years if you’re good. You’re never getting another one.”

Marvel Universe Discovers Lead in Water Supply That Makes Population Overly Quippy

Posted on August 30, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

EARTH 199999 — Researchers living in the Marvel Cinematic Universe have discovered a mixture of chemicals in their water supply which makes the population say an abnormal amount of quips.

“We were noticing an anomalous amount of quips, snarky one-liners, and empty pop culture references among all populations in the last fifteen years or so. That’s when we realized that the drinking water? Well, let’s just say it’s not the kind that fish could live in. We’re talking lead levels off the chart — and no, I’m not talking about the Billboard Top 100,” said lead researcher Eamonn McKay. “You writing this down, All the President’s Men?”

The realization has sent ripples across Earth 199999, as many people came to the harrowing realization that their loved ones may have been affected by this significant increase in quippiness.

“I guess I did think it was weird I made so many snarky comments, considering that I’m not a superhero, I’m just a random orthodontist, or as I like to call it, a tooth sleuth,” said Dr. Darien Drew. “I never really questioned that my patients might find it annoying because most of them are incredibly snarky as well. What’s next? They’re going to tell us there’s a chemical in the water supply that makes most men over 40 grow a goatee? I’ll be tapping my foot like the floor’s a DDR pad.”

According to those familiar with the situation, government officials are working around the clock to find a way to reverse the effects of the lead.

“We’re looking into possible solutions and we’re gonna make them snappy. Sorry, I shouldn’t use that word anymore, after all we went through with the big purple guy. I guess I’ll say we’re looking into possible solutions and we’re gonna make them Thanosy,” said United States President Rose Armstrong at a press conference. “This is an incredibly emotional moment for all of us — one that I desperately want to avoid undercutting with an annoying joke. And the fact of the matter is… I’m sorry, did someone fart in here? It smells like the inside of a butt right now.”

At press time, researchers further found that not a single person in the Marvel Universe had laughed in ten years.

Gamer Praises Replayability of Game He Played Exactly Once

Posted on August 29, 2021 by Connor McGarry

SPRINGFIELD, Miss. — Local man Jonah Baker has been recommending hit stealth game Dishonored 2 to all of his friends and coworkers for its “high replayability” despite the fact that he has and will only ever play the game one time.

“There’s a ton of stuff in the game that really encourages playing through more than once. Every level has so many different approaches to them, it’s crazy,” Baker said, despite the fact that he followed a guide for most levels, taking the exact same path as thousands of other players. “Plus, you get to make different dialogue choices that can change the way the story progresses, it even has alternate endings which I can’t wait to see on my next playthrough,” explained Jonah, referring to content in the game that he would only ever see through clips uploaded to YouTube.

Baker’s have bought into his sales pitch for the game, however. His coworker Francis Springmeyer reported

“I’ll definitely check the game out, it sounds right up my alley,” said Baker’s co-worker Francis Springmeyer, who would later forget the game existed when he went home that night, opting to play his 2,453rd round of Call of Duty: Warzone.

Developers at Arkane Studios were reportedly pleased to hear about the glowing praise coming from Barker.

“We’re really happy that players enjoy the options for replaying the game we worked so hard on. Implementing all the new game plus features took me an entire year of twelve hour workdays alone, so I’m glad so many got to enjoy it,” said programmer Charlotte Marie excitedly, unaware that data collected by the company showed only two percent of players ever even started a new game plus file. “It’s just so great to see my hard work enjoyed by so many!”

As of press time, Baker was heard waxing poetic about the numerous different combat builds you could try out, just weeks before he would permanently uninstall the game off his computer to make room for Arkane’s upcoming game Deathloop, which he will play for four hours and never finish.

Marvel Debuts New Superhero Who Just Doesn’t Make Things Any Worse

Posted on August 29, 2021 by Cathy Herbert

NEW YORK — Marvel has announced a six-issue comic series featuring Burnout, a new superhero who “just stays chill and tries not to fuck shit up even worse.”

“Burnout has powers akin to Superman, but we figured there are enough superheroes who inspire people to do the right thing via larger-than-life metaphorical feats,” said creator Donna Sherwood. “So we made one who is just here to vibe.”

Set against a modern backdrop of uncontrollable climate change, rising wealth inequality, and the ongoing violent oppression of marginalized groups, Burnout will focus on trying to keep things from snowballing into an even more horrific and soul-crushing waking nightmare.

“It’s time for a hero who provides practical examples of how to just keep your sanity while living within this absurd, capitalist system,” said Sherwood, revealing panels in which Burnout boycotts palm oil and votes strategically. “Deep down, Burnout knows these actions don’t make any real difference in the fight against the oligarchs who control every aspect of our lives, but hey, it’s better than nothing, right?”

While focus groups initially complained about the hero’s lack of agency, participants usually came around when they realized they all had college degrees and full-time jobs, yet still needed to attend a focus group in exchange for fifty dollars and a free cold sub.

“They establish in the first issue that even with their godlike strength, time-freezing speed, and laser fingers, Burnout is still no match for an expansion-based economy supported by a massive global population that is forced to forge their own chains every day or die,” said Patricia Chase, a comic book fan with an advance copy. “That villain really hit home, for some reason.”

If Burnout is a success, a rumored second series would depict the hero just saying “fuck it” and taking that job at Uncle Rob’s firm.

Report: The Teletubbies Have Gone Extinct Due to Intense Global Warming Now That the Sun Is an Adult Man

Posted on August 29, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

IDYLLIC MEADOW — A harrowing report from the home of the Teletubbies has confirmed that the species has died out as a result of their sun reaching adulthood, drastically increasing the temperature of their Eden-like home.

“We head over to the Teletubby planet every year or so just to check on them and this time… honestly I can’t even really talk about it without gagging,” said researcher Dr. Lennon Friedman. “We show up and they’re just all fucking dead. The crops had all died out half the area was flooded, but worst of all, it looks like Tinky Winky was the last of the group to perish and — I’m not even sure how to fucking say this — we think he ate most of the flesh of the other Teletubbies.”

“We were all just freaking out and a few people started to throw up and then we got hit by pools of water coming from the sky,” Dr. Friedman continued. “I look up and there’s this ginormous sun with the sobbing face of a man. The sun just kept aging! Our scientists predicted it might happen, but no one thought it would happen so rapidly. And now they’re all fucking dead.”

According to researchers, the Teletubbies have been an endangered species for a long time.

“There used to be hundreds of thousands of Teletubbies running around, watching little things on their bellies, but for the last twenty years or so, they have dwindled to just four,” explained Columbia professor Brax Krueger. “We had them in this meadow to try to get them to reproduce, which they do sexually, but we could not save the species in time before the sun grew to adulthood. It’s a terrible shame, too, because the human sun is, of course, an invasive species.”

When asked to comment, the sun let out a booming “sorry” that washed flames over the Teletubby planet, leaving it in a great perpetual fire.

Keeping DM’s Cat Off Table Is D&D Party’s Hardest Challenge of the Night

Posted on August 28, 2021 by Jacob Colliver

LOS GATOS, Calif. — An adorable pet cat has consistently decimated any chance of progression in a year-long Dungeons & Dragons campaign, weary party members confirmed Saturday.

“Every time we start to get somewhere, Bubble jumps onto the kitchen table and knocks over absolutely everything,” Dungeon Master and cat owner Harvey Gatto said. “Why does he do this? I don’t know how, but it seems that a group circling a flat surface while making strange noises and eating snacks in colorful clothing will somehow attract pets.”

Gatto’s friends have so far patiently endured Bubble’s complete disregard for the game’s carefully arranged elements. Figurines, tokens, maps and pizza boxes have all been sacrificed by the rotund orange feline to a surprisingly noisy tiled floor.

“I adore Bubble, but it’s impossible to stay in the zone when he’s there,” player Eve Bisad confirmed. “I’ve been playing as an Elven Beast Tamer for the last year or so, and I’ve gotta tell ya, nothing sucks the fantasy out of effortlessly leading armies of lions than constantly having a chubby tabby knock salsa into your lap.”

Years of studying the game’s deep lore and combat system have yielded no practical solution for Bubble’s antics. The group’s best attempt has been to integrate him into the game as “Diablo,” a randomly-encountered, 823-foot-tall Chaotic Evil dragon that deals Hit Points equivalent to that of a “Soviet-era ballistic missile.”

“Every goddamn game,” housemate Kevin Muur mumbled to no one in particular while staring into a wall. “Every game. Carcassonne tiles with teeth marks. A Cosmic Encounter set with three missing ships. Harv and I haven’t even had an uninterrupted round of Catan in years. I dream — I pray — of an unscattered Longest Road. Please… please, grant me peace.”

Despite their frustrations, Gatto confirms that the group still loves Bubble’s company, and he has at least “cleared more goblins off the map than our Cleric ever has.”

Spiritualist Sonic Fan Knows Chaos Emeralds Aren’t Magic, Just Likes Their Vibe

Posted on August 28, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

SANTA MIRA, Calif. — Alternative medicine enthusiast and lifelong Sonic fan Kim Hammond recently purchased a collection of chaos emeralds, which she claims to understand do not actually have supernatural properties, because she merely likes their vibe.

“I mean, I know they’re not magic, of course. They’re a placebo, like religion or PCP,” said the holistic Sega fan, nervously grinning. “But like, sometimes those things make people feel like they’re imbued with the power of God too so you never know I guess! And what if the Finalhazard tries to drag the Space Colony ARK into the Earth? It probably won’t happen, but if it does, I’ll be happy to have the emeralds.”

Hammond noted that while she was confident in their normalcy, she was not entirely certain of the replica emeralds’ origins.

“The place I got them was super sketchy, in like, the bad part of town where they sell drugs and samosas,” recounted Hammond. “The shop was chill but very like, Gremlins vibes? All mystical and stuff. And we all know what happened in that movie.” Pausing briefly, she then added, “Magic stuff.”

Chan Heung, the owner of Chan’s Gaming Collectibles located in the Beverly Center mall where Hammond made the purchase, was able to clarify the nature of the emeralds when reached for comment.

“I have no idea what exactly excited this woman so much, we get these things in bulk from AliExpress. Just that stoked on Sonic I guess?” mentioned Heung apathetically. “Seriously, they come in bubble wrap right next to the dragon balls and hunter licenses. Most of the time they’re even broken.”

At press time, we have heard that Hammond was last seen in various locations in Los Angeles county flying at mach speed. Eye witnesses report that she was spotted with shining, golden hair pointing straight up “Goku style,” surrounded by a floating ring of various gems screaming phrases such as “I knew it!” and “I told you so!”

Photo via RareShinies.

Lackluster A24 Movie Released Direct to Criterion Blu-Ray

Posted on August 28, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — After watching a disappointing rough cut of the upcoming comedy-drama film Funeral for a Marsupial, executives at the independent film distributor A24 have decided to release the movie directly to Criterion Collection Blu-Ray.

“We’re all very pleased with how Funeral for a Marsupial is coming along, and we’re as excited as ever to partner with [director] Clive McKittrick on his unique vision,” said A24 co-founder David Fenkel. “Our decision to take the movie straight to Criterion is not meant to undercut that vision, but just to recognize that there is a specific niche audience who this movie already speaks directly to. It just makes economic sense for us to bridge that gap directly rather than to have another Tusk on our hands.”

Director Clive McKittrick says that he is undaunted by the decision and looking forward to releasing Funeral for a Marsupial in any form.

“I trust good people at Criterion,” said McKittrick. “They know how to curate good movies, but more importantly, they know how to sell Blu-Rays. When you see a movie in the Criterion Collection, you don’t go back to check what its box office numbers were, or how many Academy Awards it was nominated for, do you? That’s right, you don’t. You just shut up, smile, nod, and assume that the movie is good enough for Criterion to charge you $39.96 for it and then explain to you why you should like it.”

At press time, McKittrick nervously added that the Criterion store often has pretty good clearance sales in case anyone is on the fence about purchasing Funeral for a Marsupial on Blu-Ray when it releases this fall.

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