Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

“Ugh, Got Queued Up With Another Round of Bots,” Says Squad Crushing You in FPS

Posted on September 3, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local Splitgate squad was reportedly disappointed to be playing against a group of bots while crushing you and your friends, who are actually human players, in a game of Team Deathmatch, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Ugh, I thought this game had a larger playerbase. It sucks so much to be playing against such obvious bots,” said Splitgate player Clifford Charlton while, unbeknownst to him, was actually playing against you and your friends. “If they’re not gonna be able to get real players into the queue, can they at least reprogram that AI to be even OK at the game? These bots have absolutely garbage aim, they just walk in a straight line towards my bullets, and spend half the match just looking around the map, trying to jump on stuff. Ugh, the modern state of online gaming is such trash. I’m not even trying,” he said, killing you for the fifteenth time in a row.”

Despite the other team thinking you’re AI players, your teammates have stayed positive, lulling themselves into a false sense of assurance.

“We’re getting ourasses kicked, but these guys are such sweaty fucking tryhards, am I right?” said your teammate Pierre Miles, who got 4 kills and 17 deaths this match. “They’re probably the type of losers who know literally everything about the maps and all the exploits and shit. Sorry I don’t know about some glitch that makes your gun 3% more effective, I’m just trying to have some casual fun!” he said, having spent most of the match walking into walls.”

At press time, you and your friends managed to pull off a genuine win in a close game of Splitgate, unknowingly against an actual squad of bots.

Nintendo Confirms Toadette’s Braids Are the Scalps of Smaller, Weaker Toadettes

Posted on September 3, 2021 by Andy Holt

KYOTO, Japan — In a somber Direct presentation, Nintendo confirmed that the popular character Toadette makes her trademark pigtails from the scalps of lesser Toadettes, all of whom she defeated in brutal single combat.

“Fans have asked, ‘If there are many Toads, are there not many Toadettes?’ Well, the answer is that there used to be,” said Nintendo game designer Yoshiaki Koizumi, snapping his fingers to reveal a list of the character’s heinous crimes. “But now, there is only one Toadette. And the innocent residents of Mushroom Kingdom thank their god for that, every single day.”

Koizumi went on to detail a nearly 20-year reign of terror, during which Toadette has eliminated every possible rival to her position as the Lone Toadette. The mushroom-shaped scalps hang from her head as trophies — and as warnings.

“Did you know Toadette made her first appearance in Mario Kart: Double Dash!! all the way back in 2003? That game brought an end to what Toad villagers call The Before Times,” said Koizumi, revealing a new Amiibo depicting Toadette sitting on a throne of bones. “Of course, she has since become a permanent fixture of our games, thanks to her adorable antics, charming smile, and unique ability to consolidate power through violence.”

In classic Nintendo style, the presentation turned coy at the end, leaving fans room to speculate.

“Why are the scalps different sizes? Did she take those smaller ones from normal-sized Toadettes, too, or are they — I shudder to think — taken from innocent children? These are all good questions,” said Koizumi before signing off. “You’ll just have to decide for yourself.”

When asked if Toadette’s longtime partner Toad was complicit, Nintendo forwarded a letter from his lawyer, denying any knowledge of her activities outside the games.

Luigi Decides He Doesn’t Want to Wear Matching Clothes With Mario Anymore

Posted on September 2, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Following 38 years of pretty much just aping whatever his older brother wears, famed video game sidekick Luigi Mario has announced that he will start choosing his own wardrobe.

“I’m-a sick of dressing like a couple of little boys,” said the star of the Luigi’s Mansion franchise. “Maybe I want to put on a nice a-flannel or skinny jeans once in a while or something. My a-brother, he gets to play referee and doctor and all kinds of other costumes, it’s-a my turn.”

The move is an abrupt shift from his previous style of thoughtlessly shadowing whatever garment his older brother would wear, a style he preferred for decades.

“We never really wanted to commit so hard to Luigi being a little mindless piece of shit,’ said someone from Nintendo. “But every time we talked about putting him in something else, the real Luigi would come down to my office, sobbing, saying ‘I want to dress-a like my brother!’ so we’d always just cave in and give him the same clothes as Mario. Sounds like maybe he’s finally outgrown it. Thank god.”

Luigi’s first appearance with full wardrobe independence was recently confirmed to be in the upcoming Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope.

“We worked really hard with Luigi, trying to figure out what he wanted to wear now that he’s his own man,” said Kayla Hoover, an animator that’s been doing motion capture work for the game. “It was, uh, well, he’s got a ways to go. He kept insisting on cargo shorts and Affliction shirts? I don’t think that’s a style that exists in the world. Also he cried one day when he tried to operate a button up shirt on his own. He wouldn’t let anyone help him. This is gonna be a long project, I can just tell.”

As of press time, Luigi had been spotted at Target grabbing a bunch of graphic tees.

Uatu the Watcher Groans at Pop-Up Asking If He’s Still Watching Universe in Which Iron Man Gets Really Into Ska Music

Posted on September 2, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

THE MULTIVERSE — Uatu the Watcher, the immortal omniscient being who observes the Multiverse from afar, reportedly groaned after receiving a pop-up asking if he’s still watching the universe in which Iron Man gets really into ska music.

“It’s so condescending to get those. Like, I’m sorry, am I supposed to feel bad about the fact that I’m still watching this thing? Because I don’t — it’s totally fine to binge-watch a universe every now and then,” Uatu explained. “I don’t care that it’s garbage multiverses, I just like to zone out and watch a guy getting really into ska music, sometimes. I don’t know why they even have that as a feature. Don’t they know who I am? I’m Uatu the Watcher! These are my stories!”

According to those familiar with the situation, Uatu has been watching this particular universe for a couple of decades in a row.

“Ugh, Uatu loves that Tony Stark ska music universe,” said Uatu’s wife, Ulana the Watcher. “These things… one subtle change can lead to ripples outward that change the entire universe drastically. In this world, Tony Stark, a.k.a. Iron Man, gets really into ska music after watching that new Mighty Mighty Bosstones video about George Floyd. After a few months of listening exclusively to ska and playing hundreds of hours of Tony Hawk Pro Skater games, Stark comes up with the idea that the only real way to save the Earth from evil is to spread awareness by skanking in a viral video where the background keeps changing to different locations around the world. He stops being Iron Man, he stops building new tech, he stops training superheroes, and he stops guarding against galactic threats. Thanos succeeds in his quest to take over the world, aided by Spider-Man, who has no mentor figure — but after the Snap, the two have a falling out and begin a universe-wide civil war with the 50% of life that remains, destroying everything.”

“It’s pretty fucking boring, if you ask me,” Ulana added. “Personally, I much prefer the world in which Black Widow escapes her Russian family as a child and eventually ends up becoming a cast member on The Real World.”

At press time, the Tony Stark ska universe shut down after Uatu failed to press “Yes” because he had fallen asleep.

Kotaku Advertisers Devastated to Learn That All Those Clicks They Got Were Actually From Angry People

Posted on September 2, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Advertisers displaying banners on the video game website Kotaku were reportedly devastated to learn that all the people who viewed their ads recently were actually there because they were upset about an article.

“A lot of people think clicks are clicks. Not to us. We only want views from people who are happy to be looking at our ‘Around the Web’ ads featuring articles like HOTTEST CELEBS Who Accidentally Had WARDROBE ACCIDENTS On Set,” said advertiser Barney Byrne. “It just sucks. We were so overjoyed when we saw we made a bunch of money from some article about a Far Cry preview, but to find out it was people who were reading it to complain on social media? Well we might as well just throw all that money away. We won’t, but we might as well.”

According to those familiar with the situation, there was an air of depression around the advertising agency upon learning the unfortunate news.

“Everyone was kind of just despondent for the rest of the day,” said Google Adsense copywriter Nadir Becker. “Nobody gets into writing pop-up ads saying that you have a virus on your computer that you need to fix right now because they want to make people upset. We’re artists, ultimately, you know? We’re trying to bring people joy or make them think, we’re not trying to just capitalize on whatever we can say to get people to look at our spam. A lot of people think that we don’t care about this crap, that it’s totally beneath us, that all we care about is our bottom line, and that we advertise indiscriminately across thousands of websites, hoping they do literally anything they can to move the line upwards a little bit. Anyway, what was I saying?”

At press time, advertisers were overjoyed to discover that several angry readers of Kotaku had used a workaround to be able to link to the article that upset them without driving any traffic to the domain.

‘Boogerman’ World Record Holder Prays Coworkers Don’t Discover His Crowning Achievement

Posted on September 1, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

DECATUR, Ga. — A recently hired copy editor has grown terrified that his new coworkers will discover that he’s the lone record holder of 1995’s disgusting platformer Boogerman.

“Oh my god, they’re going to find out, I just know it,” said Ray Landry, of his world record speedrun of Boogerman for Sega Genesis that clocked in 27 minutes and two seconds, the highest recorded score of the game. “I know gaming has come a long way and is generally accepted as a mainstream hobby, but that’s like Madden and Call of Duty and shit. Not spending months of your life shaving seconds off of your time in the Flatulent Swamps or trying to find new strategies to beat the Booger Meister. Oh man, I guess I shouldn’t get too comfortable in the new cubicle, huh?”

As Landry anticipated, many of his new coworkers were delighted at the notion of a world champion video game player joining their ranks.

“Oh, he’s a gamer, too?” asked Calvin Dotson, a fellow copy editor that works in Landry’s office. “I just spent all weekend playing Splitgate with some of the guys from work, what an incredible shooter. Oh, and I just threw my son a Fortnite themed 12th birthday party. Sounds like me and this new fella will have a lot to talk about! I wonder if he likes PlayStation or Xbox. Can’t wait to look this guy up and see what his world records are all about.”

Landry’s wife has reportedly grown tired of the wariness associated with his single greatest accomplishment.

“I don’t understand my husband,” said Frances Landry. “He spends a damn year playing the booger game, but then he makes me swear not to mention it at family get-togethers and parties. What’s the point of holding a world record if it embarrasses you to your core? And why make an entire game about a Booger Man? And he thinks my hobbies are weird.”

As of press time, Landry had again been dismissed from his new company without severance.

Splitgate Draws Influence From Halo and Portal for Gameplay, Pablo Picasso’s Nightmares for Menu System

Posted on September 1, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

STANFORD, Calif. — 1047 Games developers explained today that their video game Splitgate draws influence from the Bungie Halo games as well as the Portal games for its gameplay, but draws from the nightmares of painter Pablo Picasso for its menus.

“We didn’t want to reinvent the wheel with Splitgate, which is why we went to the things we love. And for the gameplay, that’s obviously Halo 2 through Halo: Reach combined with the physics of Portal,” said 1047 Games co-founder Ian Proulx. “But for our menu system, we wanted to draw from something a little more surreal and complicated. At first, we were inspired by the menus of Final Fantasy XIV, but that seemed too easy. That’s why we chose to read from a dream journal of late painter Pablo Picasso, specifically searching for his nightmares, to find the sort of inspiration needed to come up with a rewards system that makes you click like fifteen buttons just to unlock a green skin for your assault rifle.”

Fans of the game, which is still in beta, were quick to spot Splitgate’s influences.

“Yeah, I don’t know if anyone has pointed this out yet, but the gameplay really reminded me of Halo meets Portal. Because the guns and stuff remind me of Halo, but the portals definitely seem pretty similar to the portals from Portal,” said streamer Janine Rankin. “The menus, however, didn’t remind me of Halo or Portal. They seemed dark and confusing — reminding me of something familiar, but not quite right — some sort of surrealist cubism, but more paranoid… I don’t know, maybe they reminded me of Skyrim?”

At press time, in an attempt to capitalize on the trend being created by Splitgate, 343 announced that Halo: Infinite would launch without any menus at all.

Spirit Halloween Managers Awake From Hibernation

Posted on September 1, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Thousands of Spirit Halloween store managers have awakened from their annual 10-month slumber and have begun migrating back to their respective stores, ready for another Halloween season.

“One of the most gorgeous rituals you see in nature,” said Julia Bates, renowned zoologist. “Up there with the swallows of Capistrano and the emperor penguins of Antarctica. These big beautiful creatures rest for most of the year just to wake up, walk to a store, and spend two months organizing costumes and making cash deposits at night, just to come back to the woods after Halloween’s over. It’s hell of a thing.”

One of the first points of business for the managers once they return to their home store is finding temporary mates for the season.

“Pretty pumped I got this seasonal job,” reported Nolan Baxter, who had the store’s first scheduled interview of the day. “That guy that’s gonna be my boss seems pretty chill. I’ve never had someone eat five breakfast burritos and ask me to describe last year’s NBA playoffs to them during a job interview before. I always wondered who managed these stores, I guess it’s these weird motherfuckers that sleep in the woods all year?”

While many in the commercial retail community view this annual tradition as harmless, a growing number of demonstrators have been outspoken about the perceived captivity of the feral managers.

“These are people with souls,” said Erin Mahoney, an animal rights activist that was protesting outside the store. “It’s wrong to make them spend their two active months of the year training high schoolers and dealing with bratty children. They only accept these conditions because it’s all they know. The Halloween industry is no better than the circus or Sea World, I’m afraid.”

Spirit Halloween’s have begun opening all over the country, where they will maintain normal business hours until Halloween, at which point they will dissipate back into our collective imaginations, as Mother Nature again weaves her breathtaking tapestry across the stars.

UPDATE: As of press time, one of the managers of the soon to open Spirit Halloween had mauled the Mahoney woman pretty badly. We’ll update this story as more details become available.

Cop Offended by Punctual Portrayal in GTA Games

Posted on August 31, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Local police officer Connor Todd recently sampled the immensely popular Grand Theft Auto 5 and was very disturbed at the depiction of prompt responses by law enforcement officials.

“Oh geez, kids are gonna play this and get a really warped idea of reality,” said Todd as he played the game. “Look at that, I just pointed a gun at a woman on the street and a cop showed up almost instantly. That’s ridiculous. Unless a few hours went by in-game that I didn’t realize, this is one of the most unrealistic video games on the market.”

Representatives from Rockstar Games said that they often have to bend reality to make their games play a little more dynamically.

“Of course we aim for realism in many ways, but we have to distort the truth here and there just to make sure the game plays like we’d like it to,” said Tracy Lyons, a lead designer that worked on Grand Theft Auto 5. “Like allowing your player to carry a dozen weapons at once, making every car easy to hotwire, and yeah, making the police department at large respond with anything resembling urgency when a poor person is in trouble.”

Still, others found the portrayal of police to be entirely accurate to their experiences.

“Look, there’s just too many police officers in the world to paint them all with the same brush,” said Zac Moreno, a gamer that defended Rockstar’s portrayal of police. “I used to think they were all a bunch of corrupt and ineffective assholes that would never show up in my neighborhood. But then one time I lit a joint outside of a bar and the immediacy that the cops beat, tased, and arrested me with is something I haven’t seen represented in media until I played GTA5.”

As of press time, Officer Todd said he had to give credit where it was due and applauded the Rockstar developers for how quickly the Liberty City police were to fire their guns.

The Green Knight Review: You Know What, I’m Actually Curious To Hear Your Thoughts First

Posted on August 31, 2021 by Collin Preciado

The Green Knight, David Lowery’s new film under the A24 banner adapting the legendary Arthurian tale, is — you know what? I already know what I thought about the movie, but I’m actually super curious to hear what you thought first. I mean, I think I liked it, but it was weird, right? Like maybe too weird? But in a good way? At least up to a certain point, you know what I mean?

Like, I didn’t miss anything story-wise, right? Like the whole story is that Dev Patel has to go on this journey to meet the green knight to knowingly get his head cut off? Obviously there was a lot more to it than that, but that’s pretty much the gist, right? I mean, like, that’s how you would describe the premise, correct? Am I wrong?

And did you think the title The Green Knight had a double meaning? The movie was pretty artsy so it seemed like it probably had to? Like, maybe Dev Patel was also the green knight being referenced? Or would become so? Or is that, like, too obvious? Because I mean he’s not actually a knight during the movie, but they kind of make it seem like he will be after he goes on this journey and faces the actual green knight. But didn’t you think there was more going on with that scene where Alicia Vikander and Uncle Owen were talking about the different meanings of the color green? Was that, like, the whole point of the story? I think it was. Actually, nevermind, maybe it wasn’t. Would love to hear what you thought about all that and then I’ll tell you what I’m actually thinking.

And then was Alicia Vikander a witch? Did they say that or did I miss it? She was like a peasant or something at the beginning, but then she shows up again later as a fancy Lady and was probably a different character? But, like, he recognized her, right? Like, he was in shock when he saw her? Like if it was supposed to be two completely different people, what was that supposed to mean you think? I mean, I have a pretty good idea, but I’ll let you go first. I feel like you have a lot to say about it.

And what was the deal with the hand job scene? That came out of nowhere, right? I was like “is she doing what I think she’s doing” and the movie was like “yep and here are the receipts.” I mean that was probably important, right? Like he’s on this epic journey in hopes to become this reputable, virtuous knight of the round table and here he is getting tugged on by a married woman who looks like his girlfriend. Or am I totally overthinking it? I think it was pretty funny, unless you think it was serious, in which case, yeah, great call, I agree 100%.

Have you seen any of David Lowery’s other films? Like, you knew this was going to be pretty out there, but did it seem even more so than usual? Or is that just me? Like, A Ghost Story was weird, but, like, you got it, right? Like, you weren’t confused when Rooney Mara ate that whole pie or why Casey Affleck was haunting her. And are we able to talk about Casey Affleck? Like what happened with all that?

And was King Arthur the bad guy from the last two Mission Impossible movies? He’s pretty good, right? I think everyone was probably pretty good? Did you think everyone was good? Because I mean I could see why you would think some people were not good. Was there anyone you thought was not good? Because I could see that.

And what’d you think of those costumes? Because they were perfect. I mean they were OK, I guess. But what about everything else, though? Just really would love your insight and then I can start telling you a bit about what I’m thinking.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News