Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Xbox Controller Just Needs Some Time to Recharge After Grueling 30 Minutes of Work

Posted on September 6, 2021 by Andy Holt

MESA, Ariz. — An exhausted local Xbox controller has reportedly taken some time off to chill and recharge after putting in a brutal 30-minute gaming shift.

“Things got a bit intense there for the little guy, so a nice long vacation was in order,” said a representative from Microsoft, speaking on behalf of the Xbox controller in question. “We hear the cabinet under the TV is great this time of year. A quick couple hours down there, and that baby will be ready for another three Rocket League matches, easy. Maybe even half a round of PUBG.”

The gamer who uses the controller, Paula Walsh, was surprised to see the controller exhausted so quickly.

“Look, I get it. Everybody needs a break sometimes. But it’s like, dude, all I did was turn on the console and jump in a lobby,” said Walsh, who paid nearly $100 for a controller and rechargeable battery pack. “Now you’re already ‘getting low’ and ‘feeling a little burnt out?’ Let’s not abuse my generosity here.”

Some observers were even less forgiving.

“In my day, a controller would last for months and months without a break. These new controllers are a bunch of spoiled brats,” said Walsh’s father Tim, 45. “What do you mean those controllers were ‘not wireless’ and ‘didn’t even have batteries?’ Sounds like an excuse to me.”

At press time, Walsh just said “fuck it” and went out to grab a 64 pack of AA batteries.

Sorry Gamers, We Have Delayed Our Fall 2021 Preview Until Next Year

Posted on September 6, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

Hey gamers, I don’t wanna bullshit you here. Every single video game website, whether it’s a real one like IGN, Polygon, or PCGamer, or a fake one like The Onion Gamers Network, or Kotaku, publishes a fall preview article. Hell, most will publish several. But we have to delay ours, for reasons I’m sure everyone will understand. If I get some other things done, I can get it to you all next year. Is that cool?

It’ll be really unbelievable once it all comes together. I wish I had, like, a preview of it or something to show you, but that would be a little ridiculous. I can tell you it’s going to have a lot of features, though! Insights, videos, little quips like we do and all that. Like it’s gonna be one of our best articles, easily. It’s just nowhere near ready!

Sorry if you were looking for a preview of upcoming games, though. That’s one me. I shouldn’t encourage you to go read those other sites, but like, maybe just keep an eye out on the storefronts and check out trailers and stuff. There’s bound to be some good stuff coming out.

I bet you can figure it out.

You know, the more I think about it, I don’t think this is the worst thing in the world. When I publish the Fall 2021 Preview in 2022 (or like maybe early 2023 AT THE LATEST) it will still be a Fall 2021 Preview, I want to be clear on that. So not only will it be a preview, it will also be a retrospective. A review, preview, and postview, if you will. Truly, the definitive preview of the games of Fall 2021.

It just won’t be ready for a while.

We thought about putting one out with just a few entries, but that would have felt cheap. It’s like me editor Jeremy told me one time, “A delayed fall preview is eventually good, but a rushed fall preview is forever bad.”

He’s so right, you guys.

Thank you again for understanding. We want to provide you articles, and we want to make you laugh, but we just came up a little short this time. In short, we’re sorry.

You’ll have to excuse the ads and banners we’ve employed all over our website. I really told the guys I would get this thing done. This is ‘Game Shark Week’ all over again, frankly. If you see an ad for our coverage before a video on YouTube, I’m gonna ask you right now to ignore that, too, okay? Thank you so much.

Jeff Bezos Demands Plate From Every Single Amazon Employee’s Labor Day Barbecue

Posted on September 6, 2021 by Andy Holt

MEDINA, Wash. — Upon learning that employees were enjoying Labor Day barbecues with family and friends, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos reportedly demanded a “heaping plate” from each and every one.

“These deadbeats are out of their fucking minds if they think I’m not getting my cut,” said Bezos, who also demanded at least four beers and a LaCroix from each event. “Normally I’d ask for 99% of the entire spread, but hey, it’s a holiday. I’m in a generous mood.”

In response to criticism, Bezos claimed the country would become a “lawless wasteland” if he didn’t receive plates from all 1.3 million Amazon workers.

“All these people combining their labor to make food for each other, sharing the proceeds communally in a celebration of love and friendship — it makes me sick. It’s just not what this country is about,” said Bezos, unwrapping his 513,342th plate of the day and adding it to the pile. “This might not be a perfect system, but it’s the only way to ensure innovation.”

Others defended Bezos, insisting that people were just jealous of the 8 million pounds of food he earned today, all through individual hard work.

“If you want to be rich, maybe stop sitting on your butt and work a little harder,” said local restaurant server David Rosensteel, taking a break from his Labor Day double shift. “Someday, I’m going to have a whole room in my mansion, packed to the brim with rotting food, just like my guy Jeff. You’ll see.”

When informed that some of the barbecues involved multiple Amazon employees in the same place, Bezos sent some muscle to break them up, saying he “thought we put all that union bullshit behind us.”

Sagging Interest in ‘Law and Order: SVU’ Episode Renewed for Local Gamer After Ice-T Mentions Fortnite

Posted on September 5, 2021 by Jolie Darrow

NEW YORK — A Law and Order: Special Victims Unit character’s tossed off reference to Fortnite has piqued the interest of a formerly disengaged gamer, sources have confirmed.

“You mean this kid was gonna shoot up a playground, like some jacked up game of Fortnite!?” asked Odafin “Fin” Tutuola, Ice-T’s character on a recent episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, in a reference that while not wholly inaccurate, certainly felt inorganic. “Why don’t these kids get off these computer games and learn how to talk to a girl?”

The remark, quickly disagreed with and moved on from by the other characters, was enough to make local gamer Melvin Krueger want to know what was going on with the rest of the show’s characters and general plotline.

“I was just about to change the channel,” said Libby Krueger, Melvin’s mother. “When he suddenly was looking up from his Nintendo and asking me not to touch the remote. Fine by me — I think it was a rerun — but I haven’t seen him that focused on a show since they found a box of Ataris in an episode of Storage Wars.”

Ice-T, known for acting, music, and being a notorious gamer, said his intriguing dialogue shouldn’t have surprised any true fans of his.

“You goddamn right I said Fortnite,” said Ice-T, who won his second Grammy award earlier this year. “I ad-libbed that shit too, motherfucker. Dick Wolf started hollerin’ some shit about I couldn’t talk about Doom Eternal in my scenes no more so I watered it down for these motherfuckers. Suck my dick.”

As of press time, Ice-T had kicked our ass.

Video Game Physicists Propose Existence of Theoretical Third Jump

Posted on September 5, 2021 by Jimmy Beliakoff

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Physicists specializing in video game theory have now speculated that a third jump may in fact be possible, according to several new findings.

“This quite literally changes everything we thought we knew about video games,’ said Vanessa Daniel, who’s spent 12 years at MIT focusing on the hyperspecific field that many have questioned the need for. “While we’re probably a decade out from actually seeing it in action, today’s findings are enough to keep us giddy with excitement about the revelation. We haven’t been this excited since, well, the double jump I guess. Man, we’re gonna jump so fucking much!”

The excitement comes from a theorem put forth by several physicists, based on some findings that seemed to indicate that Metroidvania games would actually be pretty cool if they gave you a triple jump sometimes.

“We’ve really sort of hit the walls with the double jump, so to speak,” said Dean Wyatt, a fellow physicist that has long studied the double jump. “Franky, we’ve not had anything that exciting come along in quite some time. If we are lucky enough to live to see the triple jump, why, my god, just think of the platforming possibilities. Oh, and the boss fights! I have the greatest job in the universe.”

Many purists, however, bemoaned the expansion of the traditional video game moveset.

“Where does it end,” said Joshua McPherson, a self described retro gamer who was protesting outside of lab that the study was conducted in. “We’ve gone from running and jumping to gliding, cooking, climbing, and farming! What’s next, is Link gonna have to mow the lawn in the next Zelda game? Enough is enough! Put the lid on the basket, I cannot handle a triple jump. We’re jumping too close to the sun here, people!”

As of press time, the video game physicist community had split and was arguing after one of the scientists discovered Super Mario 64.

Backyard Baseball Season Called Off After Pablo Tests Positive for COVID-19

Posted on September 5, 2021 by James Webster

ERNIE’S HOUSE — A positive COVID test for league superstar Pablo Sanchez has resulted in the entire 2021-22 Backyard Baseball season being called off, sources have confirmed.

“I don’t like this any more than you do,” said fellow backyard ballplayer Dante Robinson. “There’s been a lot of speculation about whether or not sports should require vaccines, and since we’re a team composed of nine-year olds, that was a conversation we got to skip. Hard to imagine playing without him, as he’s our biggest star. But it’s clear that the Delta Variant is just gonna wreak havoc on the kids if we let it, and we can’t let it get to Kenny Kawaguchi, for obvious reasons.”

Fans all over were sad to hear that Sanchez, known for his iconic backwards baseball cap, had tested positive for the Delta variant of COVID-19, though many understood the reasons for the cancellation of the season.

“Oh my god, not Pablo” said Dustin Giles, a lifelong supporter of the Backyard Baseball league. “I didn’t realize those kids were all still playing, that’s great. But also damn, let’s make sure we get Pablo the help he needs. Backyard Baseball cannot lose Pablo, absolutely cannot. Not to mention Backyard Basketball, Backyard Football, and uh, Backyard Hockey.”

Many others wished Pablo well, including Major League Baseball Hall of Famer Ken Griffey, Jr., who famously played a season with the backyard league in 2001.

“Pablo is one of the best guys I’ve ever played with, straight up,” said Griffey, who finished the 2001 Backyard Baseball season batting .351, leading the league in most stats, as you’d imagine. “I had a lot of fun with the Backyard League, but for a lot of reasons, mostly financial, I decided to return to the Majors after that. That is a special league though, there’s no doubt about it. I remember one time I hit a ball into left field and a dog grabbed it and ran away and they called it a double. That’s baseball, baby.”

As of press time, bad boy outfielder Tony Delvecchio had addressed the press with a lollipop many confused with a cigarette, claiming that Covid-19 was created to interfere with the American election.

Anonymous Stand-Up Comedian Reveals His Fear of Releasing New Material Under Cancel Culture

Posted on September 3, 2021 by Jake Menez

LOS ANGELES ー An unnamed comedian has issued a scathing public statement pushing back against “wokeness” in comedy, claiming stand-up is a dying art as a result of cancel culture.

“It seems like every time I get on stage to do my act, the crowd ends up booing me. I’ve been doing standup for over 40 years, and I’ve never seen crowds this hostile,” the famous comedian confided anonymously. “Sure, there’s always been a couple of hecklers at shows, usually those two old guys in the balcony, but this is something else entirely.”

Critics have been vocal in their disdain for his act, which has evolved very little over the years.

“Every second he’s on the stage is complete agony for moi,” said a frequent collaborator. “I’m embarrassed to be associated with someone so unpopular with the audience. I’m sure they would much rather see more of my act; I am the star of the show, you know. This article should be written about me!”

In spite of the pushback, the comedian insisted he has no plans to retire or change his act.

“Why change a joke because sensitive people don’t like it? I know the material is good. When I say ‘Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmon-ella,’ I know they’re going to cancel me. But I don’t care. Let them throw their tomatoes and drag me offstage with that big hook. Cancel culture doesn’t scare me. I’ve been in this business too long to give in to these snowflakes. And speaking of snowflakes, why did the snowman run the red light? He was in a flurry! Wocka wocka!”

The comedian’s statement was overshadowed later in the day, when a prominent local eagle announced support for re-invading Afghanistan.

Michael Caine Sick of Explaining Shit to Christopher Nolan

Posted on September 3, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Actor Michael Caine is reportedly sick of director Christopher Nolan constantly calling him up to ask him to explain random things about the world and society at large, according to those familiar with the situation.

“It’s ridiculous. It’s absolutely ridiculous!” Caine said to friends, dodging another call from Nolan. “It started with him putting me in his films to explain the more complicated concepts to the protagonists and, in turn, the audience. But then he started calling me up at my home to ask me to explain the movies to his friends, because he was having trouble with it. A few years later, he’s calling me up once a month or so to explain complicated things about the world, like political processes and scientific theories. I don’t know how I pulled it off! These days, I’m getting a call from Chris weekly, just asking me to explain basic things like where he put his laptop. I don’t know where he put his laptop! This is insane!”

According to those close to Nolan, the director has no intention of slowing down his questions for his friend Michael Caine.

“I just really love to hear Michael explain things; he’s so smart,” Nolan explained. “Whenever I’m feeling lost or confused, I know I can rely on Michael to clue me in on what the heck is going on. That’s why I put him in all my movies — I want the audience to see how comforting it is to have Michael explain what’s happening to them. He’s like a father to me, in that sense. In fact, even my actual real life father has started calling up Michael to ask him to explain stuff to him. The guy’s a pro!”

At press time, Caine was tripping over himself trying to explain to Nolan that he can’t explain more things to him without explaining it so that it wasn’t another explanation.

BREAKING: Hill Controlled. BREAKING: Hill Contested. BREAKING: Hill Controlled. BREAKING: Hill Contested. BREAKING: Hill Controlled

Posted on September 3, 2021 by Camden Brazile

FORGE WORLD — BREAKING NEWS for all available Spartan soldiers: UNSC forces have vanquished the enemy and emerged victorious, gaining control over the hill and living to fight another day. We lost countless lives on this excursion, but their sacrifice will have been well worth it when we leverage our permanent control over this territory for years to come.

While we may be injured, this hill is something they can never take away from u—hold on, Spartans, we have more BREAKING NEWS: the hill has been lost to the alien hoard. We must rally our troops and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and attempt to retake this promised land.

Now I won’t lie to you, soldiers, this could take months or even years, but if we train hard enough that—I’m sorry, we have some more BREAKING NEWS: rejoice! The hill is back under our influence yet again. Bards and poets will sing songs of this day for generations to come, and a new breed of Spartan soldiers will be sired under this new land acquisition.

Thanks to all of our valiant efforts we can rebuild a new civilization under the control of this imperative piece of land. Hold on, I’m sorry, this is embarrassing. Fuck.

BREAKING NEWS: The hill is lost. Spartans, the time of our pure despair is upon our ranks. Look deep down inside yourselves for any remaining courage and—oh shit, BREAKING NEWS: The hill is back, baby!

Time to throw a huge party and—Shit! BREAKING N—Wait! Hell yes! It’s loo—god damn it.

BREAKING NEWS: We’re all going to die.

No wait, BREAKING NEWS: We’re all going to live forever!

NHL 22 Will Be First in Series to Actually Have Little Guys Skate Around in Your TV

Posted on September 3, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — EA has confirmed rumors that have been circulating about this year’s installment of their annual NHL hockey title, namely that this year’s game will be the first to actually make little hockey guys skate around inside your TV.

“No sense in denying it any longer,” said Sam Perkins, a lead designer at EA. “We did it, we figured out how to generate little dudes up in your TV. No more talking about pixels, frame rates, polygons, physics, all that is over with now. This is flesh and blood hockey being controlled on your Xbox Series X or PlayStation 5. Realistic, fully controllable recreations of your favorite National Hockey League players. You’ve never seen anything quite like this, we promise.”

The bizarre but seemingly true claims rang true for Auston Matthews, the Toronto Maple Leafs center that graces the cover of this year’s game.

“I came down to their studio one day,” said Matthews. “And they hooked me all up with the motion capture stuff and whatnot. We were doing wrist shots when suddenly a guy holding a giant stack of papers burst into the room and screamed ‘We did it!’ and then they all started celebrating and told me I could go home. I understand what happened now — they were excited about figuring out the little guys.”

Fans of the franchise were excited about the breakthrough and understandably skittish about the morality involved with summoning little fellas into the universe.

“Wow, that sounds fucking amazing,” said Roosevelt Bauer, a longtime fan of the NHL video game series. “At first I thought the thing was they were gonna switch to the Frostbite engine, but that was obviously just a rumor. This is gonna be so much better. What about the guys though, are they real? Do they feel the hits and stuff? What happens to them after I turn off the game?”

NHL 22 will be released on October 15, 2021. A special Stanley Cup Edition of the game is available that will let you communicate with the little guys in there and tell them you’re their creator.

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