MEDINA, Wash. — Upon learning that employees were enjoying Labor Day barbecues with family and friends, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos reportedly demanded a “heaping plate” from each and every one.
“These deadbeats are out of their fucking minds if they think I’m not getting my cut,” said Bezos, who also demanded at least four beers and a LaCroix from each event. “Normally I’d ask for 99% of the entire spread, but hey, it’s a holiday. I’m in a generous mood.”
In response to criticism, Bezos claimed the country would become a “lawless wasteland” if he didn’t receive plates from all 1.3 million Amazon workers.
“All these people combining their labor to make food for each other, sharing the proceeds communally in a celebration of love and friendship — it makes me sick. It’s just not what this country is about,” said Bezos, unwrapping his 513,342th plate of the day and adding it to the pile. “This might not be a perfect system, but it’s the only way to ensure innovation.”
Others defended Bezos, insisting that people were just jealous of the 8 million pounds of food he earned today, all through individual hard work.
“If you want to be rich, maybe stop sitting on your butt and work a little harder,” said local restaurant server David Rosensteel, taking a break from his Labor Day double shift. “Someday, I’m going to have a whole room in my mansion, packed to the brim with rotting food, just like my guy Jeff. You’ll see.”
When informed that some of the barbecues involved multiple Amazon employees in the same place, Bezos sent some muscle to break them up, saying he “thought we put all that union bullshit behind us.”