Complete Stranger Wins Big Competition Everyone in Town Cares About

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

WAYFIELD FALLS — A total stranger who just got into town has won the Dusky Days Cup, the annual festival that local citizens usually lose their minds for. 

“This is outrageous,” said Billy, who spends most of his time either working out in Jerry’s fields or working nights at Betty’s pub. “This guy’s grandpa left him that creepy plot of land up on old Barkview Terrace there, and I guess that’s all the qualifications you need to be a major player in town these days. My grandpa just spends his nights standing by the stream telling a story about a woman he danced with twenty years ago, so fuck me I guess.” 

The annual Dusky Days Cup event, as you most certainly know, is the once a year ceremony commemorating the beginning of the 21-day fall season that culminates in the town square for the grand finale, the Wayfield Falls Dusky Days Cup Potato Sack Race, which the strange quiet guy won after spending his first attempt last year really struggling to figure out how the bag worked. 

“I’ve never seen such an improvement,” said Trudy, who spends most of her day standing next to her refrigerator. “He really must have spent all year angry about not realizing what he was supposed to do, vowing to do better next time. Most people come to the Dusky Days Cup with a good attitude, talking about the various foods they ate that day and whatnot. But this guy came in here with an axe to grind, and it really worked for him. I don’t think I need to tell you what winning the Dusky Days Cup will do to a guy’s social status around here.” 

Indeed, the formerly mysterious stranger does seem to have begun attracting an increased interest in him as a potential suitor. 

“Oh my, that quiet kid from Barkview Terrace is sooo cool,” said Tiffany, who spends her days in her father’s shop, and her nights sitting on a bench all night talking about her father’s shop. “At first I didn’t really like him, even though he was in my father’s shop every single day, but now that he won the potato sack race, I think I would like to get married to him. If my father allows, that is.” 

As of press time, the mysterious winner of the Dusky Days Cup refused to speak to the press, but had given this reporter a fried egg as a gift.

Taliban Leaders Demand United States “Let People Enjoy Things”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

KABUL, Afghanistan — Taliban officials controlling Afghanistan have sent out a demand to the United States that the nation should “let people enjoy things,” a message they attached with a drawing of a cartoon man holding another man’s lips shut.

“Everybody is always giving us shit for all the murdering and pillaging and it’s like… I dunno, gatekeeping much?” said Taliban leader Mullah Muhammad Hassan. “Your country spent 20 years trying to dictate how we consume our media and create laws and, newsflash, the nerds won. And by ‘the nerds,’ I mean the Taliban. So maybe mind your own bee’s wax for once and just let people freaking enjoy things. Even if that means, like, chopping off a bunch of people’s heads or whatever.”

The response to the message has been met with anger from citizens of the United States, with polls showing that upwards of 65% of Americans believe that the Taliban was acting cringe.

“I mean this is just out of control, we need to go back over there,” explained New York Times columnist David Brooks. “We have a moral obligation, as the United States, to go around the world and shove any loser countries into a big international locker. With our massive power, we could very easily go over there, and in just a few months, flex our military strength and steal the Taliban’s lunch money. We could hold them by upside-down by their legs until all their coins and opium drop to the floor and it would be easy.”

At press time, the Taliban had raided a nearby school and was holding everyone at gunpoint until they all log into Pottermore and figure out which Hogwarts House they belong to.

‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’ to Feature Cameo From Costumed Out-of-Work Actor Who Came to Your 7th Birthday Party

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

LOS ANGELES 一 The disheveled, out-of-work, costumed Spider-Man from your 7th birthday party has been confirmed to make an appearance in Spider-Man: No Way Home, confirmed Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige.

“After the outstanding reception we received from audiences following the return of Alfred Molina’s Doctor Octopus, we wanted to capitalize on that. So, we thought, ‘How could we use the psychological principles of nostalgia to manipulate fans into overhyping our latest money making endeavor,’” said Kevin Feige at a fan event. “The answer was simple. Every parent has booked a Spider-Man for their kid’s birthday, only to later realize Spider-Man is just some guy with a B.A. in Theatre. Well now that guy’s in the movie too.”

The costumed actor has already received plenty of attention as the newest member of the MCU.

“My boss called me up a few months ago and told me to suit up for a job. I was under the impression it was just another birthday party, so when I saw Tom Holland, I figured he was the birthday boy,” said actor Aaron Westerfield. “Apparently it was all a misunderstanding. But, it just goes to show that after 15 years, 56 dog attacks, and 23 fistfights with drunk dads, you’ll eventually be rewarded for your hard work. I’ve never even seen a Spider-Man movie.”

A leaked image from Spider-Man: No Way Home took the internet by storm, prompting Kevin Feige to confirm the news for fans.

Marvel fans have taken to social media to express their opinions about the recent Spider-Man reveal. 

“At first, I didn’t get it. Who’s this guy? He looks like every shitty Spider-Man cosplayer,” said long time fan Quentin Salazar. “When I explored the lore of this character further, I realized that I did know this guy. He’s the asshole that kept breaking character at my 7th birthday party because his contact lens fell out. He also kept asking me to steal a lighter from my parents so he could go take a smoke break.”

At press time, Marvel enthusiasts on Twitter complained that it’s not accurate to source material unless Aunt May flirtatiously asks the costumed Spider-Man to help her with something in the laundry room.

Entry Level Dungeon Still Requires 3-5 Years of EXP

Posted on by Ryan Fleishman

THE FORBIDDEN WOODS — A run-of-the-mill dungeon has caused controversy by insisting that entry level henchmen and guards must have three to five years of EXP before even being considered for employment.

“Ah, fuck that, I’m fresh out of warrior training and I can’t get anyone to take me on,” said Gilthrax the Strong, who’s been unemployed for two years. “I get that I’m not gonna lead a crusade right away and all that, but I thought I could get a job somewhere standing in the same spot in the castle all day, and work my way up from there. That’s what my dad always told me I’d have to do. I’d tell him he was wrong if he hadn’t been slain at work. Actually, it was in this very building if you can believe it.”

Managers at the dungeon defended their controversial hiring practices. 

“We’re just a dungeon trying to compete with the flaming temples and whatever the fuck,” said Glenn Hulton, owner and manager of The Cursed Ruins. “It’s our right as small dungeon owners to hire and not hire whoever we see fit. You walk into any dungeon, you see the same thing. It’s unfair to single us out just because someone wrote a Medium post about this particular dungeon.” 

Many of the town’s elders said that the hiring issues of today are being overblown.

“The problem isn’t the dungeon, it’s the warriors,” said Ackland the Great, a great fighter who thrived decades ago. “These adventurers today, they gotta pull themselves up by the foot plates and just go out and get it. When I was their age, I was in a guild, had saved three princesses, and the town bards had a whole album about me. These kids today just don’t want it, that’s the problem.” 

As of press time, the dungeon had found itself embroiled in a new controversy after subverting the traditional hiring process entirely and just hiring the son of Dracula.

Wikipedia+ Service to Lock Film Synopses Behind Monthly Subscription

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

SAN FRANCISCO — Wikipedia, the formerly free encyclopedia website, has announced a new paid subscription service that will now make users of the website pay money to read summaries of films.

“Oh my god, I’m ruined,” said Shawn Cameron, a Wikipedia user that was shocked by the announcement. “What am I gonna do now when I want to go to Wikipedia but I can’t go because I don’t want to pay for a 12th service right now? I can’t believe they’re pulling this shit. I miss the good old days of Wikipedia. Well, not the old old days, when you couldn’t trust Wikipedia, but after that. And before right now. Right now sucks. This sucks.” 

Executives have defended their decision, going so far as to speculate that it may make users enjoy the average trip to the website more than they currently do. 

“Look, we know every other time you go to Wiki we’re like totally hitting you up for cash,” said Keaton Howell, a chief executive at Wikipedia. “But this will do away with that entirely. Now for just a few bucks a month you can enjoy our vast vaults that cover quite literally the annals of shared human knowledge accumulated over our vast collective experiences. And yes, you can look movies up on there, too.” 

In addition to unfettered access to newly gated off portions of the site, Wikipedia+ users will also be able to view video game release dates, cereal mascot history, and those charts that show you when people were in a band, all for $4.99 a month. 

“Seems like a lot when IMDb is still free and technically better for that sort of thing,” said Casey Snow, who said they wouldn’t be paying to use the new service when it launches this winter. “Wikipedia will tell you the plot, sure, but don’t you want to know what all the goofs are in Hoosiers? Don’t you want to watch the trailer for Crank 2? It just seems weird to pay money for a service when all you’re going to do is just read different summaries of movies all the time. That’s already what I use Netflix for. It’s called searching for a movie to watch and I hate it.”

As of press time, rascals had gotten onto the Wikipedia+ service and changed it so it said The Big Short was about a guy’s weiner.

Gamer’s Sexuality Awakened After Spending Hours Crafting Perfect Man in Character Creator

Posted on by Andrew Darling

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local gamer Fern Brennan learned something about his sexuality after spending hours in Monster Hunter Rise trying to create the perfect man in the game’s character creator.

“I thought I was just picky about character creators in general, but then the game asked me to design my cat and dog and I just clicked ‘random.’ I guess it was the guy that I was into,” Brennan explained. “Maybe some people spend a lot of time making their character be the person they themselves want to be. But I don’t think you spend as much time as I did in that character creator unless you’re crafting a guy you want to fuck. Coming to that realization was a big wake up call for me, but I’m proud to say that video games turned me gay. Or made me realize I’m gay. Whatever.”

In an attempt to help other gamers realize their sexualities, Brennan created a new gay gamer dating app called Gamr.

“The way that Gamr works is that you first spend hours creating a CGI man in our character creator and then the app’s algorithm tries to match you with a guy who looks as close to that as possible,” Brennan said. “So far, a lot of the people who use the app are just people who like to create characters in video games, which makes sense because our in-app creator is incredibly detailed. But they’ll figure out what that means about themselves soon enough. We all do, eventually, if we’re lucky.”

At press time, podcaster Griffin McElroy’s sexuality was reportedly awakened after spending hours crafting a horrifying creature in a character creator for his web series Monster Factory.

Simon Belmont Admits He Only Goes to Church on Easter and Christmas

Posted on by James Gruich

ROMANIA —  Legendary hero and noted slayer of Dracula, Simon Belmont, shocked many in the Catholic community today when he revealed that he only really attends mass on Easter and Christmas. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very spiritual,” said Belmont, who famously wields crosses and throws vials of holy water at his enemies. “I’m just not very religious. I have a more personal relationship with a lot of this stuff, as you may imagine. Plus. I’m just so busy, man. I used to do a better job of getting there. But my relationship with God is, like, personal. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with church, I just don’t feel like it’s right for me, you know?” 

“Totally cool if that’s your thing, though,” he added.

Belmont’s comments stirred controversy, both in the public and his bloodline.

“Oh bullshit,” said Richter Belmont, a descendant of Simon’s that also killed Dracula one time. “That’s all well and fine, but ask him to do anything during football on Sundays and he’ll have an excuse. He’s just a lazy asshole that hides behind those crosses and shit. Total poseur. Come midnight mass on Christmas Eve, however, and I just know Simon’s gonna be front and center, belting out ‘Silent Night’ like it’s a damn volume contest.”

Belmont’s large fanbase was disappointed by the admission as well. 

“Wow, I suppose nothing truly is sacred,” said Ray Tanner, a dismayed Castlevania fan. “I’m so sick of our heroes pretending to be spiritual when they are merely cashing in on the sacred beliefs of large parts of their fan base. I swear it’s like one extreme or the other, either you’re Simon Belmont chucking holy water every chance you get, or you’re Mario, and you barely make mention of your Catholic upbringing. All of these characters are making their mommas really, really sad.” 

As of press time, Simon Belmont had let his nephew know that he wouldn’t be able to make it to his First Communion this weekend, but that he would be sending a card with some cash in it.

Opinion: In Polite Company, You Should Never Talk About Religion, Politics, or Anime

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

You all know the old adage: in polite company, you shouldn’t talk about religion or politics. Well it’s time to add a third topic to update the adage for the modern era. In polite conversation, you should never, ever, bring up a conversation about religion, politics, or anime.

At the end of the day, religion, politics, and anime are deeply personal topics that can turn any dinner party into a nightmare. People who seek out political debates are surely terrible, but have you ever heard a subbed anime fan telling a dub watcher that they’re watching anime wrong? We’ve heard the arguments before from both sides: dub fans are dumb dumbs who can’t read, but sub fans are gatekeeping monsters. These are the kinds of issues that no one should have to confront while just trying to have a nice time with their friends or family.

And, of course, we all have a racist uncle we have to tolerate each year at Thanksgiving. We all know not to bring up politics with him, but don’t bring up Avatar the Last Airbender around him either, unless you want your whole family to start another screaming match about how Avatar is an anime despite the fact that the show was created by two white Americans and animated in Korea. Year after year, your moron uncle will insist that Avatar is stylistically very similar to anime and has many of the same themes and story rhythms, but that’s just his rotting brain trying its best to make sentences using what remaining neurons it has. Can’t we just eat some turkey and talk about what we’re thankful for?

Perhaps you think that anime is the least intense of these issues. Perhaps you’re wrong. At least when arguing about religion, no one is trying to figure out if the Buddha is stronger than Mohammed and write 17 pages detailing the Buddha’s power level based on feats he’s accomplished in religious texts. In a world where everyone is an anime fan, we now have to avoid intense arguments over whether One Punch Man’s undefinable strength means he would kick Goku’s ass despite the fact that One Punch Man has never shown any fighting technique at all and has never pulled off feats close to what Goku has. 

Sure, around our liberal friends, we can talk about how Goku would fucking destroy One Punch Man and anyone who thinks otherwise is a piece of shit. But your grandmother who’s 95 comes from a different time — one where it was more acceptable to pretend that the ultra instinct super saiyan form doesn’t exist.

The world is a prickly place and sometimes you shouldn’t have to worry about the more serious things going on. In the past, those serious things included just politics and religion, but the society we live in grows more complicated by the minute. These days, just to stay safe, we should avoid difficult conversations surrounding politics, religion, and yes, anime. Because anime fans fucking suck. And now everybody’s one.

J. Jonah Jameson Demands More Listicles of Spider-Man for Struggling Daily Bugle Website

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — J. Jonah Jameson, the Editor-in-Chief of long running New York City newspaper The Daily Bugle has reportedly issued several demands for more Spider-Man themed listicles to run on the struggling publication’s website, several employees have confirmed. 

“Get me slideshows of Spider-Man, now!” barked Jameson at his gathered assembly of reporters and unpaid interns earlier today at the daily staff meeting. “I don’t care what the angle is, hell, if there’s any angle at all! I can’t believe I pay you people and you don’t know this! This crap writes itself. Listen to this: ‘14 Unbelievable Facts About Spider-Man We Just Learned, You Won’t Believe Number Five!’ Boom, there’s an article. Why aren’t any of you writing this down?”

The assignment is merely the latest sign in the slow degradation of the once hugely successful newspaper. 

“Things really have changed around here,” said Ben Urich, a longtime reporter for The Daily Bugle. “Back when I started, we’d get a lead or a hunch, go do some interviews, some research, then we’d get a few days to turn a story around. Now every morning I get yelled at if I don’t turn in five articles, an infographic, and five ideas for social media posts every day, which is to say nothing of my weekly op-ed I’m tasked with writing about how savvy our billionaire owner is at navigating the business world. It’s depressing shit, man.” 

Even long time readers have reportedly noticed the slipping in standards and output at The Daily Bugle. 

“Growing up, I read the Bugle every day,” said Aaron Wheeler, a lifelong New Yorker. “It’d take me an hour and a half to get through the whole thing. Now, two days a week, I get what’s left of the print version, and it’s mostly advertisements and giant pictures of Spider-Man with headlines like ‘Is Spider-Man A Socialist?’ It doesn’t surprise me to hear they’re having troubles up there.”

As of press time, a young Daily Bugle photographer named Peter Parker had turned in his first article, “19 Totally Crazy Things We Found in Spider-Man’s Garbage.” The article is available on The Daily Bugle’s website, behind a paywall.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.