People today take for granted the amazing technology at our fingertips, so much so that it’s hard to imagine life without smartphones. Have you ever thought about how characters from your favorite classic movies would have used cell phones if they had them? Basically every pre-2000s movie would have had their plots TOTALLY ruined by smartphones! Here are five movies that would have ended in, like, five minutes if everyone in them had smartphones with this ridiculously addictive strategy game, Game of Empires, downloaded.
#5 — Home Alone (1990)
The plot of Home Alone unfolds VERY differently in 2021. All Kevin has to do is text his mom and say, “Uh, hello, you guys left me home alone over here!” They turn the van around, scoop him up, and have a nice family vacation in Paris.
OR, Kevin lets his family leave so he can binge on Game of Empires, a ridiculously addictive strategy game that’s free to download. Assemble your forces, my lord, and lead your armies into glorious battle! Ninety-five percent of players couldn’t make it past the second level. Can you?
#4 — You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Lol, remember chat rooms? Or book stores, for that matter? Kathleen and Joe never would have hit it off if they had done what everybody does now and met on Tinder (or Bumble, if they’re feeling classy). They’d just cyber-stalk each other, realize they’re business competitors, and BOOM, instantly swipe left.
Though, they might have generated a spark while venting their mutual distaste for each other by squaring off in no-holds-barred combat on the fields of Dromgold, a premium add-on in the ridiculously addictive strategy game, Game of Empires. Just don’t get caught enjoying the more NSFW content while on the job at Fox Books, Joe ;).
#3 — Finding Nemo (2003)
Okay, assuming waterproofing, this heartwarming Pixar classic would have been a snooze-fest if all the fish had smartphones. All Nemo would have had to do was share his location with Marlin, and voilà, Nemo is found. No sharks, no sea turtles, no problem-o.
And while Nemo is waiting to be rescued from Dr. Sherman’s tank, he can vanquish his enemies and grow his dominion in Game of Empires, a ridiculously addictive strategy game. You won’t last five minutes after your busty high-elf consort, Shalel, delivers this secret message to you. Just try not to bust!
#2 — Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)
Erm, okay fam, we’re not sure why our editor suggested this one. Kidnapping 18 teenagers and ritualistically torturing them in a country mansion over four months in a deranged fascist orgy of blood and excrement is low-key kind of sus. If Salò were set in 2021, about half the country of Italy would have gotten an amber alert.
Look, if this is the kind of deranged shit you’re into, there’s plenty of fucked-up premium content for you sick little piggies to gobble up in Game of Empires, a ridiculously addictive strategy game. Ever seen a she-goblin suck off a cave troll? How about two hags scissoring each other in a bog? Just make sure you have a VPN, you’re gonna need it.
#1 — Barton Fink (1991)
Okay, another swing and a miss. Look, we’re not gonna lie, we didn’t really “get” this one. What was the deal with the package? And the painting? Did any of the scenes in the hotel actually happen, or was it all inside the mind of John Turturro’s character, a hallucination of the very “new living theater” he failed to birth by typewriter?
If Barton’s writer’s block was really bad enough to drive him insane, he could have given himself a much-deserved break and played the ridiculously addictive strategy game, Game of Empires. I will show you the life of the mind? How about I show you a pair of big honkin’ titties, and you look upon those, instead? And swords. But mostly titties.