Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Fake One Piece Fan Can’t Even Name 500 Episodes

Posted on December 22, 2021 by Kevin Podas

NAGOYA, Japan — Members of the subreddit r/OnePiece have confirmed that local man and purported One Piece anime fan Tyler Robbins is actually a fraud, as evidenced by the fact that he can’t even name 500 episodes of the hit series which has been consistently airing since 1999.

“Let’s see, well, there was the first episode, called ‘I’m Luffy! The Man Who’s Gonna Be King of the Pirates!’ Everyone knows that one,” said Robbins in a post on a recent trending topic, clearly buying time trying to think of 499 more examples. “Oh, and who could forget ‘End of the Fishman Empire! Nami’s My Friend!’ That’s a classic one. But to me, nothing beats, uh, ‘The Beginning of A New Chapter! Straw Hats Reunited!,’ that’s a good one, too. I guess it’s easier for me to remember moments from the show, instead of individual episode titles, but I swear I’m a huge fan.”

Hundreds of true fans in Robbins’ replies who have been along for the ride since the very beginning had no problem recalling 500, 600, or even 1000 episode names word-for-word.

“If you’re a true fan of One Piece, this should be an easy task. It’s not like there’s any shortage of episodes to pull from,” said another, more confident fan. “Name any story arc, any fight, any iconic moment from the show, and I can tell you not only the episode name but also the episode number in which it was released. Child’s play for anyone who’s been following the Straw Hat’s journey across the Grand Line for over 20 years, baka.”

When reached out for comment, One Piece manga creator Eiichiro Oda had this to say about his fans and his creative process.

“I’m really just kinda making it up as I go along,” said Oda. “If people can’t remember 500 episodes of the show, I don’t blame them. Wait, did you say that each episode has a title? I definitely didn’t come up with those. They’re probably just gibberish.”

At press time, fans in the thread all agreed to be most wary of bandwagon fans who might soon be able to easily memorize the episodes of Netflix’s live-action One Piece adaptation, as it is bound to be canceled after only a single season.

Gamer Who Played Three New Games This Year Releases Top Ten List

Posted on December 22, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

MADISON, Wis. — A gamer who played exactly three new titles in 2021 has released his list of the top ten video games of the year.

“I didn’t really have the time or money to keep up with gaming like I would have liked to in 2021,” said Moe Vickers, in a half hour YouTube video he recently uploaded. “But everyone else is releasing some vaguely similar top ten list, so I figured I’d throw my hat in the ring and use the time I could use playing games to instead convert my passion for them into a list that I am prepared to defend and argue about, despite not having actually played a majority of the games on it. Pretty sure I get Deathloop just as much as anyone who played it.”

“I watched videos of most of them,” he added.

Friends of Vickers say that he seemingly spent more time anticipating, researching, and discussing this year’s games than he did actually playing them.

“I’m sorry, why do I need to know what Moe’s top ten games were?” said an online friend that only knows Vickers through Discord. “I mean, no disrespect, but he spent all year talking my ear off about all of these games he hadn’t gotten around to playing yet. Why do I want to see the written version of that? He says I’m just bitter because I didn’t make this top ten friends of the year list, but I swear I didn’t even read that one.”

Journalists said that despite not having played all of the games, Vickers’ list was spot on.

“Pretty close to mine, honestly,” said Richard Thornton, a reviewer at IGN. “They way he had Metroid Dread at two and It Takes Two at three shows that he clearly values a single player campaign more than a couch co-op experience. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree! This is what makes gaming such an exciting place, the way so many different voices can be heard. I had them in the opposite order, myself.”

As of press time, Vickers was buying a bunch of 2020’s best games that were finally on sale.

SneezeCon 2021 Cancelled

Posted on December 22, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

PHOENIX — After hoping they’d be able to resume their annual gathering celebrating sneezing and the various subcultures surrounding it, the organizers of SneezeCon 2021 have once again cancelled the event.

“We pushed this thing as far back into the year as we could,” said Marley Cunningham, founder of SneezeCon, who also cancelled last year’s iteration as the coronavirus swept the world. “And it looks like we’re gonna do the safe thing and just have it online again this year. Of course this isn’t anybody’s idea of an ideal way to do this, but we just have to protect all of our community. We’ll try again next year. Anyone that purchased sneeze-and-greet tickets for Norman Reedus will receive a full refund in the mail. I just hope this stupid pandemic doesn’t screw up SpitInEachOthersMouthsCon 2022.”

The event, like many others, had hastily rescheduled this year’s event during an apparent lull in new COVID-19 cases this fall, but with the Omicron variant’s presence and case numbers surging, the call was made to postpone it again.

“Yeah, I’m really sad, but I guess I understand,” said Ty Garner, a long-time attendee of SneezeCon. “I understand why it’s not great for us to run around sneezing into stranger’s open mouths with everything going on right now, but like, we’re gonna be sneezing anyway. People are gonna be getting together for the holidays and whatnot. Just let us have our convention, you bastards. It’s the one thing I look forward too all year. Well, that and cold season.”

Though many felt the convention should be able to go on anyway, many high profile figures in the sneezing community urged potential attendees to consider the bigger picture.

“Look, this sucks and there’s no way around it,” said Lee Wheezer, “The Tennessee Sneezer,” who was scheduled to headline the first night of the event. “I look forward to the big show every year as much as you guys, but we want there to be a SneezeCon 2022 don’t we? We want Sneeze Cruise to come back, don’t we? I for one don’t want to see Sneezing Man cancelled again next year. We all just really need to think about the long haul, and sit around and sneeze inside for a little while longer. And may god bless every one of you that does so.”

As of press time, it was rumored that SneezeCon might just move their thing to Florida.

Gamer Dentist Has Almost Collected All the Teeth

Posted on December 22, 2021 by Joshua Hudson

CHICAGO — A dentist that has been an avid gamer all his life has happily reported that he’s nearly collected every type of tooth that can be found in the mouth.

“I’m a bit of a completionist, so this is very exciting,” said Dr. Anthony Caldwell, D.D.S. of his nearly finished pursuit. “It’s a little harder than you might imagine to get out of here with someone’s tooth in your pocket come closing time. I mean, obviously the guy in the chair doesn’t want his tooth back, but we have procedures for getting rid of them, and everyone gets real weird when you insist on doing it all yourself and disappear into the back room.”

Many of Dr. Caldwell’s patients did not share his enthusiasm for what they believed the be an immature pursuit.

“My dentist has been collecting people’s teeth?” asked Judith Grandy, a longtime patient. “Hmm. That explains a lot. He used to offer me deals on getting certain teeth extracted? I don’t mean ones I was having trouble with, either. I mean he was like, ‘Oh man, I’ll give you all the money in my wallet for your number 8 maxillary central incisor,’ right after he told me all of my teeth were in perfect health. Then when I said no he’d pull everything out of his pockets and ask me if I’d trade my tooth for any of it.”

The revelation that there’s no greater purpose to collecting a complete set of teeth beyond the accomplishment he would feel came as relieving news to many staff members.

“That explains so much,,” said Nat Cooper, a receptionist at Dr. Caldwell’s office. “I mean, I’m realizing right now that I do have an awful lot of new questions, but at least I have some answers. I straight up caught him putting someone’s tooth in his pocket one time and he just gave me a little shush motion and winked at me. I didn’t sleep for a week after that because I thought I worked for a serial killer. Working for a gamer doesn’t seem as bad.”

As of press time, Dr. Caldwell was trying to complete a new speedrun record for performing a root canal with no anesthetic.

Man Speedruns Whiskey Advent Calendar

Posted on December 22, 2021 by Ben Friedman

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — A new speedrunning record was shattered today after a man drank an entire whiskey advent calendar in 47 minutes, astonished witnesses have reported.

“I got this whiskey advent calendar as a present from work, and it dawned on me: I’d never seen anyone do a 100% puke run of one of these. I didn’t feel like savoring it day by day anyway,” said prolific speedrunner Chris Humphries. “It got a little hairy there once I got to the middle of December with three bourbons in a row, trust me they are not meant to be slammed. But damn did it feel good to blaze this trail. Almost felt as good as when I got my stomach pumped later that night.”

Humphries’ boss, who gifted the advent calendar, was not as enthusiastic about the new world record.

“All I know about his personal life is that he’s on Twitch 16 hours a day and he likes brown liquor, so I got him the advent calendar for Secret Santa. Last night a coworker sent me his Twitch stream and I jumped in at the Makers Mark on the 23rd. I thought for sure that I was going to be charged with involuntary manslaughter if he died of alcohol poisoning,” said Jeff Biggins, who faced tough questions from corporate after the video reached 400,000 views. “If I knew he was a speedrunning fan, I would’ve just bought him a copy of Super Metroid.”

Advent calendar curators at Dram Yankees admitted that the publicity from this speedrun has been helpful, albeit dangerous.

“While this unexpected embrace by the speedrunning community has seen our profits spike 500% this quarter, we are legally obligated to remind everyone to drink responsibly. That being said, we have to admit, it’s pretty hilarious watching streamers projectile vomit all over their RGB keyboards,” said Adam Nesbit. “Our only worry is that each person who attempts to shave seconds off Humphries’ record is inching closer and closer to acute renal failure.”

As of press time, Humphries’ record has since been stricken from the record books as the speedrunning community agreed that Fireball, which was included in the calendar, is not whiskey.

Live Podcast Taping Derailed After Audience Member Skips Forward Fifteen Seconds

Posted on December 20, 2021 by Tom Peters

NEW YORK — A live podcast taping was disrupted after an audience member skipped ahead fifteen seconds in the middle of recording, several sycophantic attendees confirmed.

“We were in the middle of deconstructing the logic of Back To The Future when this guy in the third row stood up and yelled, ‘Skip,’” said Dwayne Gillman, cohost of The Movie Guys. “I did my best to predict what I would be saying in fifteen seconds, but then he yelled out, ‘Skip, skip! Wait, no, back!’ I’m not sure how he was able to bend the reality of time, but I seriously hate our listeners. Even if they pay for my incredibly easy life with their Patreon subscriptions.”

Derrick Garnett, one of the podcast’s five main hosts, explained how they ultimately brought this chaos upon themselves.

“Apparently it’s a privilege that came with our highest tier VIP ticket package,” Garnett said. “We didn’t think anyone would actually buy one, but it looks like one person did. I am really not looking forward to talking to this guy, or anyone, at the meet-and-greet. Hopefully he skips through that part as well, but I’m guessing we’re gonna be doing more rewinding than anything else.”

Podcast superfan Holden Wurfield clarified that his attempt to hasten the show’s progress was all out of love.

“I’ve heard every episode of The Movie Guys. It’s my favorite podcast,” Wurfield said, holding a homemade sign that read, “Hold The Ranch,” a phrase one of the hosts supposedly said on an episode six years ago. “But I don’t like when they talk about stuff I don’t like. I usually yell at them on Twitter or complain on Reddit, but this way lets me feel like I’m one of the guys, which is what I’ve always wanted, even though they suck and know nothing about movies.”

At press time, Gillman and Garnett were abruptly cut off in the middle of their recording after Wurfield’s podcast app sleep timer ran out, disengaging all power for the entire venue.

Girlfriend Maxes Out Bed’s Inventory Limit

Posted on December 20, 2021 by Saad Khan

BEDFORD, Mass. — Local gamer Keith Dickey reportedly attempted to slot himself into his bed’s inventory only to find that his girlfriend, Sarah Young, had maxed it out with pillows, stuffed animals, and various other decorative items, sources confirmed yesterday evening.

“She usually keeps the bed‘s inventory near max, but we always leave at least two slots open so each of us has room to sleep,” said Dickey, inspecting a decorative wooden placard resting on his side of the bed. ”I mean, yeah, I do have to arrange myself around everything like I’m in the attaché case from Resident Evil 4, and I usually wake up with horrible neck and back pain, but at least I can usually get in there. That’s all out the window now that she’s completely maxed out the bed’s inventory.”

Young insisted that her decision to max out the bed’s inventory was a practical one, with the added benefit of being aesthetically pleasing.

“What if we run into a tough random encounter with some lower back pain and need an extra pillow for lumbar support?” Young said, trying fruitlessly to shove a stuffed animal into the maxed-out bed before adding it to the nightstand’s storage drawer instead. “I just think we’d really regret discarding any of this stuff. Plus, default bed loadouts are so boring. These epic rare ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ pillows I unlocked look so much cooler, and they took like fifty department store runs for me to get. What am I gonna do, not equip them?”

Dickey says that although he empathizes with Young’s item-hoarding impulse, he knows from experience over-equipping that this can only get worse.

“I’ve been there,” said Dickey. “I’ve gone down the unholy path of compulsively loading up my Skyrim inventory with wheels of cheese, and then installing mods to carry even more. The impulse doesn’t stop just because you run out of space. Next thing you know, you can’t even pick up key items anymore. That’s where we’re at now. This sleep quest I’m trying to finish is timed and I have to complete it before the work quest tomorrow, but that’s going to be impossible if I can’t equip myself into this bed.”

At press time, Dickey was checking Google Maps to review alternate resting points on nearby friends’ couches that he could fast-travel to in an Uber.

Nintendo Sues Guy for $25 He Made Selling N64 on eBay

Posted on December 20, 2021 by Naomi Krause

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Nintendo has declared its latest lawsuit and will be suing a guy in Vermont that made $25 selling his old N64 on eBay, sources have confirmed.

“Wow, this wasn’t worth it at all,” said Arnold Wells, shortly after being served a notice to appear in a Washington courtroom for an upcoming pretrial regarding his unlicensed Nintendo profiteering. “I found this thing in the attic and figured it wasn’t doing any good up there, so I just listed it online. Is that a problem? Could I go to prison for this?”

Representatives from Nintendo defended what many have called an overreaction.

“Here at Nintendo, we are dedicated to maintaining Nintendo’s long established identity,” explained Doug Bowser, Nintendo of America president. “As such, we simply cannot let our players also be the ones buying and selling the units as well as dictating the prices and terms of sale. This disrupts the relationship between us and the public, and really threatens our perception as a family friendly company. That is why we will sue any man, woman, or child that even so much as draws a picture of Mario. It’s because we care.”

Critics of Nintendo’s say this is just the latest in a series of egregious oversteps by the famously litigious corporation.

“Frankly, I think we’re going to be hearing a lot more about this kind of thing,” said Sheila Powell, a games journalist. “Nintendo wants the world to know they have a very-zero tolerance policy regarding any sort of modding, reproducing, or reselling of any of their hardware, software, or intellectual property. That’s why you hear about so many garage sales getting busted up by their goons lately. They’ve entered a real ‘boots on the ground,’ phase to this thing, and I fear for what the future holds for anyone who gets on their bad side in the coming months.”

As of press time, a couple of guys were kicking the shit out of the guy dressed up like Mario in Times Square.

X-Ray Reveals Vestigial Third Handle Inside Nintendo Switch Pro Controller

Posted on December 19, 2021 by Andy Holt

BALTIMORE — Johns Hopkins University completed the first successful x-ray of a Nintendo Switch Pro controller, revealing evidence that the controller’s ancestors once had a third handle.

“We expected to see some circuits, wires, maybe a battery or something in there—normal controller stuff. But when we looked closely, there was a mysterious piece of vestigial plastic. In our professional opinion, this indicates that the Switch Pro likely descends from a three-handle controller,” said Dr. Karen Horton, Director of the Russell H. Morgan Department of Radiology. “Yes, we know how crazy that sounds.”

Hailed as a major breakthrough, the discovery offered scholars a rare glimpse into how gamers may have gamed in ancient times.

“Did gamers used to have three hands? Did three gamers share one controller? It raises all kinds of fascinating questions — more questions than answers,” said Anand Pandian, chair of the anthropology department at Johns Hopkins. “Honestly, we may never figure this one out.”

The public reaction was less enthusiastic, with some expressing skepticism of the theory.

“I don’t care how long ago it was, there’s no way they put a whole extra handle on a controller for no reason. It’s just not done,” said local gamer Chase Morrison, 13. “If our ancestors had been that dumb, we would have gone extinct.”

Radiologists later gave the Switch Pro controller a PET scan, uncovering what appeared to be the remains of a stupid little screen.

J. Jonah Jameson Blames Omicron Outbreak on Spider-Man’s Movie Showings

Posted on December 19, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

NEW YORK — The Daily Bugle Editor-in-Chief J. Jonah Jameson declared that Spider-Man, and his new film Spider-Man: No Way Home are the biggest cause behind the outbreak of COVID-19 variant Omicron around the world.

“Folks, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Spider-Man is a MENACE!” Jameson said at the top of his show. “The only thing super about him is how much he’s spreading this virus with this poor excuse for a home movie! Never doubted Scorsese for a second! The blood from every single death from the Omicron variant is on Spider-Man’s hands, just like the deaths from Delta and the deaths from the Vulture. Why people are even lining up to see a movie supporting a mass murderer is beyond me!”

Despite previously alleging the entire pandemic was a hoax made by Hammer Industries, Jameson displayed a newfound fervor once learning about how many people were buying tickets to see Spider-Man: No Way Home.

“No one has taken the threat of the recent Omicron variant as seriously as I have. It’s something we need real, hardworking heroes to be vigilant about, like newspaper editors and television hosts,” Jameson said before pounding his fist on the desk. “But what does this so-called vigilante do? Invites everyone over to watch him defile the beautiful streets of New York with his disgusting germ-spreading webs. And even worse, he depicted me in his horrid film as BALD! Something he will be hearing from my lawyers about.”

Jameson then took his views even further, implying a more sinister motive behind the wall crawler’s agenda.

“The movie’s all about how Spider-Man brought in a bunch of criminals from other universes. Who’s to say he didn’t outright bring the Omicron variant?!” Jameson said. “He’s so quick to FALSELY point out that I funded the research to create the Scorpion, when in fact he may have been working on something much deadlier than a thug in a green can opener. This wall crawling MENACE is trying to turn the magic of cinema against us!”

At press time, Jameson put his head in his hands, lamenting that once upon a time, all he wanted was more pictures of Spider-Man, but now, he had seen more than enough of New York’s most notorious villain.

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