BEDFORD, Mass. — Local gamer Keith Dickey reportedly attempted to slot himself into his bed’s inventory only to find that his girlfriend, Sarah Young, had maxed it out with pillows, stuffed animals, and various other decorative items, sources confirmed yesterday evening.
“She usually keeps the bed‘s inventory near max, but we always leave at least two slots open so each of us has room to sleep,” said Dickey, inspecting a decorative wooden placard resting on his side of the bed. ”I mean, yeah, I do have to arrange myself around everything like I’m in the attaché case from Resident Evil 4, and I usually wake up with horrible neck and back pain, but at least I can usually get in there. That’s all out the window now that she’s completely maxed out the bed’s inventory.”
Young insisted that her decision to max out the bed’s inventory was a practical one, with the added benefit of being aesthetically pleasing.
“What if we run into a tough random encounter with some lower back pain and need an extra pillow for lumbar support?” Young said, trying fruitlessly to shove a stuffed animal into the maxed-out bed before adding it to the nightstand’s storage drawer instead. “I just think we’d really regret discarding any of this stuff. Plus, default bed loadouts are so boring. These epic rare ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ pillows I unlocked look so much cooler, and they took like fifty department store runs for me to get. What am I gonna do, not equip them?”
Dickey says that although he empathizes with Young’s item-hoarding impulse, he knows from experience over-equipping that this can only get worse.
“I’ve been there,” said Dickey. “I’ve gone down the unholy path of compulsively loading up my Skyrim inventory with wheels of cheese, and then installing mods to carry even more. The impulse doesn’t stop just because you run out of space. Next thing you know, you can’t even pick up key items anymore. That’s where we’re at now. This sleep quest I’m trying to finish is timed and I have to complete it before the work quest tomorrow, but that’s going to be impossible if I can’t equip myself into this bed.”
At press time, Dickey was checking Google Maps to review alternate resting points on nearby friends’ couches that he could fast-travel to in an Uber.
