“Politics Are Ruining Video Games,” Says Person Ruining Video Games

Posted on by Sean Fallon

CHICAGO — Local gaming enthusiast Mike Johnston, who is actively ruining video games for everyone, recently took to his blog to write about politics and how they are the main thing ruining video games these days.

“Video games used to be good but now every developer can’t help but shove their politics down our throats,” said Johnston, who was recently banned from Twitter for harassing female game journalists and sending death threats to voice actresses. “If they could keep their politics to themselves, there’d be no problem.”

Johnston wrote the post for his blog, Mike’s Musings, in between review bombing The Last of Us Part Two (“For old times’ sake”) and doxing a programmer for having pronouns in their Twitter bio. Upon finishing the article, he logged onto YouTube and spent the rest of the evening searching for videos about David Cage in order to write comments defending his behavior. 

“I play games to relax, right? If I wanted to see gays or see black people, I’d watch the news, or go outside,” he wrote in his blog, which as of this writing does not currently have any regular readers. “The next thing you know, Sonic the Hedgehog will be Trans or something. It’s all politics.”

Johnston’s roommate, Carl Snail, confirmed he had never seen him read a newspaper or watch the news, and as far as he knew he’d never voted. 

“I’m pretty sure he still thinks Obama is president,” said Snail. “The other day I heard him complaining that TV was better before all this political stuff, but it turned out he was just watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

At press time, Johnston posted a follow up post remembering the simple joys of playing apolitical games like Metal Gear Solid, Bioshock, and Papers, Please.

Body Cam Footage Has Post-Credits Scene Where the Cop Gets Away With It

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Police body-cam footage viewers were confident that a local officer recently seen committing a brutal misuse of police force would be relieved of his duties, until a shocking post-credits scene revealed he survived any repercussions to fight another day.

“I’m not surprised he got away with it, they always keep the villain alive so they can return to their evil ways later,” said local man Rodrigo Simmons. “When I saw how vicious he was in the video, I knew the police force would keep him around for a sequel beating or two. I’m sure next time he’ll be bigger and badder somehow, though, to keep up the threat. They’ll probably promote him to Captain. I hear it has already leaked out that the next hate crime will be released as early as February.”

The officer in question commented on the difficulty keeping the post-credits scene a secret before the premiere.

“Oh my god it was so hard not to tell everyone, but I didn’t want to take that moment away from the audience,” said officer Kevin Fray. “I had to deny it for so long, but it’s such a relief that everyone knows now. I’m so excited for my future projects, most of which will surely involve terrorizing my local community, but I can’t talk about them just yet. Right now I’m just suspended with pay, but I promise I’ll be back on the streets for a follow-up as soon as this filler ‘trial’ arc wraps up.”

Police Chief Ryan Fellows weighed in on his decision to keep officer Fray around.

“When you have a character like that, you can’t just kill him off,” Fellows said. “This is all according to my plan. Eventually he’ll fade into the background, because people will realize that he was just a pawn being puppeted by me, the final boss. We think fans are really going to respond to all the shocking footage we put out in 2022.”

At press time, sources reported a huge leak which says there will be a massive villain crossover event between the police force and a local chapter of the KKK, which reportedly has been decades in the making.

“They may not be under the same companies, but these franchises are far more connected than fans realize!” the leak said.

Pixar Confirms They Have Almost Collected Enough Tears for the Ritual

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

LOS ANGELES — Pixar is reportedly ahead of schedule on their latest top-secret project, a ritual designed to summon an elder god to cleanse the world of all life so that it may be born anew.

“We’re really laying down tracks with [the ritual], it’s terrific,” said one Pixar executive, shrouded behind a menacing, shadowy veil of swirling purple mist, who asked to remain anonymous. “At the rate by which our heartstring-tugging animated films can generate human tears, we thought we would need to make at least six more of them to finally open the Death Eye of the Elder God. However, the release of Soul in the middle of a pandemic when everyone had nothing to do but sit at home streaming movies and contemplating their own mortality gave us a huge boost. So right now we’re pretty ahead of schedule and looking at a really strong Q2.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the recent developments throughout Pixar’s shadowy leadership team which mysteriously took control of the company seven years ago, sources say there is also growing support internally for the small collective of scrappy underdog Pixar employees who believe in good triumphing over evil.

“I hate to be a bother, but I don’t really want to bring about the Glorious Melding of All and None,” said Boogarlathel “Boogie” Altunéthrough, a Pixar employee who was born from a crystal egg deep in the heart of an ancient mountain. “I just want to skate with my friends in the big competition. And…I guess maybe, I wish my dad would accept me for who I am.”

For now, despite internal debate, the studio is focused on collecting the remaining required tears and preparing the ritual chamber, while simultaneously guarding against efforts by other Pixar employees to undermine the project.

“Honestly, at this rate we may get all the tears we need before we work out the logistics,” said the shadowy figure. “The ritual was planned for 2024 and now we’ll have to work around everyone’s schedules to bump it up. We’ve got guys flying in from the secret base on Titan for this, and we have a movie coming out about a fatherly cat whose daughter dies, so absolutely nothing can go wrong. Wait, intruders! Stop them!”

At press time, the precious vial of existing tears was being tossed around the ritual chamber in a high stakes game of keep away.

Quality-of-Life Update Uninstalls Game

Posted on by Naomi Krause

AUSTIN, Texas — Finally delivering on an anticipated feature that had been promised to fans for years, Bethesda released a quality-of-life update to their online multiplayer game Fallout 76 which improves upon the game’s core experience by uninstalling it from the user’s device.  

“We’ve heard the feedback of the Fallout 76 community, and after a lot of hard work we’re excited to roll out this new feature which will totally reinvent the way people interact with the game,” said Bethesda director Todd Howard. “So the latest update just deletes the game. This isn’t just a quality-of-life update for the game, but also your own actual life. We’re confident that this update is a step in the right direction on both fronts.”

Players were skeptical after reading the single line Patch Notes that simply read “we give up,” but many have come around to and appreciate the change. 

“At first I thought this was just another case of out of touch game developers thinking they know what’s best, but they were really on the ball with this patch,” said longtime Fallout 76 player Bailey Thomas. “Ever since the patch hit, I’ve been so much happier. I’ve been spending more time with my family, I stopped chugging Mountain Dew, hell I swapped out grinding for yoga. Thank you, Todd Howard!” 

“Look, we’re not like those weirdos who think videogames turn people into degenerates,” explained Howard. “But this one specific game clearly sucks your soul out of your body slowly as you play. We’ve been hearing reports about this for years, and this should finally put an end to it.”

At press time, Bethesda had reportedly applied another patch to Fallout 76 which stops players from reinstalling the game and just installs Skyrim instead.

Townspeople Don’t Have Heart to Tell Protagonist He’s the Fifth Chosen One So Far

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SMALL VILLAGE JUST OUTSIDE CASTLE WALLS — Neighborhood residents have reportedly decided against telling the most recently prophesied chosen one that he was in fact the fifth one so far, timid villagers have reported. 

“Yeah, we thought about it and discussed it for a very long time,” said Revin Nimberhoof, the owner and operator of the village’s lone inn. “And to be honest, we almost did tell him. Then he burst into the room we were all in with his armor on for the first time and he was swinging his sword around, and he just seemed so into it. None of us could look that boy in the eye and tell him. I’m just an Innkeeper man, I don’t know how to tell a child he’s about to be skinned by the Dark Lord.”

Others in town felt that anything less than warning the kid of his fate was a display of cowardice. 

“Shame on us, shame on every one of us,” said Mr. Lillywhite, the owner and operator of the only shop in town. “These chosen ones come in, we translate the markings on their sword that reveals they’re the chosen one, we sell them armor and potions and tell them all about our town’s history, and then we leave out the most important part. On the other hand, the traveling protagonist industry keeps a lot of us in business, so there is a conflict of interest there, no one is doubting that. Not that many people are buying potions in this town, don’t get me wrong. Even so, that kid doesn’t stand a chance out there, man. We can’t keep doing this.” 

Despite the seemingly insurmountable odds facing him, the local hero seemed to be in positive spirits immediately before embarking on his fateful, coming-of-age voyage. 

“I’m gonna be a hero,” said the wide-eyed adventurer, who seemed like he was 15 or 16, tops. “I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to feel like I’m doing something important, and I think I’ve finally realized what that is; to use this sword I found to slay the Dark Lord and bring peace to this village. Everyone in town seems to nod and agree with me when I say that I think this is my chosen destiny. At the very least, no one has told me I am wrong. Here we go! Save a bed for me at the Inn, cuz I bet I’ll be pretty tired when I come back!” 

As of press time, a new eager, young child had entered town with a sword that he had found, seeking to have the strange markings on it translated.

Rising Gotham Housing Prices Force the Riddler to Terrorize Cleveland for a While

Posted on by Camden Brazile

CLEVELAND — Infamous criminal mastermind The Riddler announced that he was forced to take his word-play inspired capers to Cleveland, Ohio, following the skyrocketing cost of living prices in his hometown of Gotham, New Jersey.

“It’s not ideal, but I’m considering it an opportunity. I can already think of a bunch of fucked up shit to do with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” The Riddler told reporters at a press conference. “Gotham has always been great to me, but murder and puzzles just don’t pay the bills like they used to. Cleveland makes a lot more sense in the long run. They’re even offering me a tax break if I promote different Cleveland landmarks. I’ll blow up the Cleveland Indians Stadium, or hold someone hostage in Historic Little Italy. I’m not sure how Batman can afford to stay there with no income, but I’m confident someone in Ohio will rise to the occasion to foil my plots.”

“What has two legs, two arms, and a new outlook on life?” The Riddler asked reporters. “Me in a few months, hopefully.”

Frank G. Jackson, the mayor of Cleveland, commented on the supervillain’s moving plans.

“We could not be more excited to welcome Mr. Riddler to our great city, and think he will find a plethora of beautiful, yet historical institutions to terrorize,” Jackson said. “Cleveland doesn’t have a famous villain or murderer yet, and we are incredibly willing to let Mr. Riddler put us on the map. After all, Cleveland seems like the perfect place for The Riddler to reside. A crazy man who loves when things make no sense and are confusing and painful? That guy should live in Cleveland. I know everyone here will love the change of pace.”

At press time, Cleveland citizens seemed nonplussed at the villain’s plans to occupy their city, citing that they doubt that anyone could make Cleveland worse.

Elden Ring Shelved Until You Clean Up Your Act, Little Mister

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

TOKYO — It has been officially announced today in a release from developer From Software that its highly anticipated title Elden Ring has been once again shelved until you clean up your act, little mister.

“We’ve seen your report cards, and frankly, we are not impressed. Not one bit,” said Elden Ring director Hidetaka Miyazaki in a stern, but fair tone in this morning’s release. “And until you shape up, your little video game is going way up here on the shelf where only mommies, daddies, and Bandai Namco can reach.”

Soulsborne fans around the world shared in a great deal of discourse over the upsetting news by taking to social media to express their grievances.

“This is utterly ridiculous. This thing has won Most Anticipated Game two years running in the time it’s taken to come out, when is this gonna end?” complained one fully grown man in the Twitter replies of the announcement. “Not to mention the fact that I’ve been a really really good boy all year long, even tidied my room twice this week. And now this? I might as well just stop cleaning the house and bathing all together. There is literally no incentive to at this point!”

Famed fantasy author and Elden Ring writer George RR Martin was reached for comment, and felt the punishment certainly fit the crime.

“Something I learned in both my youth and my career as a storyteller is that if you misbehave, you shouldn’t be allowed to fantasize about slaying monsters in a gothic medieval setting — or play with your toys. And in this case, and with The Winds of Winter, for that matter, it’s both,” Martin said of the matter. “I encourage all those waiting on Elden Ring to sit tight, say their prayers, and eat their veggies. Who knows, maybe Mr. Martin will put in a good word for you with Santa Claus. He’s on my speed dial, you know.”

At press time, the rumours of an under-the-table deal that was supposedly struck between Bandai Namco and Sony to allow PlayStation owners to play Elden Ring on the weekends at their uncle’s house was confirmed. However, the game’s window of availability is conditional upon completion of homework and ensuring the dog has been fed.

Fan Theory Suggests John Wick and Home Alone Part of Same Pigeonverse

Posted on by Tom Peters

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — A fan theory gaining traction on Reddit suggests that Home Alone and John Wick are part of the same pigeon-based cinematic universe.

“The crux of my theory is that the Home Alone pigeon lady was the original Bowery Queen,” said Redditor nebu_CHAD_nezzar in r/FanTheories. “The ex she refers to in her monologue is actually the Laurence Fishburne pigeon guy, who will eventually overthrow her with the help of John Wick. This explains why she’s always keeping watch over the Plaza Hotel, the original Continental, as well as her access to Carnegie Hall via her connections at the High Table. Once you start pulling at the thread, it all falls into place and makes both movies far more interesting.”

One YouTuber took this theory and ran with it, pointing out additional clues that connect the two action franchises.

“It makes perfect sense that Kevin McCallister is kicked out of the hotel and banished into Central Park at Bethesda Fountain, the exact location where Winston declares John Wick excommunicado in chapter two,” said ZaneDaddyMovies in a ten-minute video analysis. “From this point forward, Wick and McCallister are both effectively ‘lost in New York.’ Be sure to check out my other video breaking down how Home Alone 2 predicted 9/11.”

John Wick screenwriter Derek Kolstad has hinted that there may be some truth to the rumors and speculation.

“Home Alone, yeah. That’s totally what I had in mind, let’s go with that,” Kolstad said while polishing his collection of big gold coins. “I also really liked those Blade movies. It’d be cool if you guys could figure out a way to work those in, too.”

At press time, Reddit users were attempting to reconcile fan theories by suggesting that Kevin McCallister is actually Neo moving through a Matrix simulation.

‘The Matrix Resurrections’ Introduces Third Pill That Turns on Big Head Mode

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

LOS ANGELES — Audiences are split after the release of The Matrix Resurrections, which furthers the Matrix franchise with the addition of a new, green pill, that turns on Big Head mode for all characters.

“The Matrix is about exploring what it means to choose between reality and simulation. It’s about the power of love. And it’s about having the option for your head to be much larger than it should be, which is pretty funny to look at,” explained director Lana Wachowski. “Since the original trilogy, I realized that part of being in simulation means you can do rad shit like making everyone around you have big bobbleheads. That’s been an integral part of the Matrix lore since the first movie.”

In the scene where the pill is introduced, Neo, played by Keanu Reeves, immediately grabs and dry swallows it, which has left many audiences to reconsider how they felt about the series.

“I don’t get why this is such a massive portion of the film,” Twitter user @mrandersimp said. “No one acts any different and it just feels dumb watching Neo try to dodge bullets in slow motion when most of them clip through his big head. This is like the pole fighting scene in Reloaded all over again!”

Others, however, have found the change a welcome breath of fresh air to the series.

“This gives so much context we’ve never had before. This is literally the best decision ever made by a film franchise,” The Atlantic film critic David Sims said. “I’ve always accepted The Matrix series as an incredible allegory for gender dysphoria, but it’s also about how cool games like Goldeneye and Turok were. Life is a grand struggle between accepting harsh truths and pissing your friends off by choosing Oddjob. I can’t wait to read all the explanations about this on Reddit; we need this now more than ever.” 

As of press time, discussion about the new pill also began to include speculation about the film’s ending, where a 4th pill was shown that is hinted to make everyone in the Matrix naked.

Woman With +5 Charisma Rolls Nat 20 on Virgin Pregnancy Lie

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NAZARETH — Local player character Mary reportedly rolled a natural 20 when checking an attempt at a lie to her NPC husband Joseph that she became pregnant not by cheating on him, but miraculously while remaining a virgin, according to several astonished Jews. 

“Holy shit, a nat 20?! And your charisma is +5? OK, uh… your lie that you got pregnant without having sex convinces Joseph so well that the townspeople assume you must have been impregnated by God Himself and they form a religion around your son that will one day become the world’s most popular,” said the group’s Dungeon Master, Emmanuel. “Damn! I swear this group never faces any consequences for the crazy shit they pull.”

According to Mary, a level four Bard, this was all factored into how she built her character.

“You gotta go all in on charisma — best and most fun stat in the game,” Mary explained. “The point of roleplaying is exploring the freedom of the world, as it’s built in real time by your DM. And if I’m going Bard, you fucking know I’m gonna romance every single NPC I come across and you know I’m gonna try to lie my way out of any trouble. That’s the Bard life, baby! I gotta get my fuck on!”

Players in the group also praised Emmanuel’s skill as a Dungeon Master.

“What I love about this group is that Emmanuel is so good at world building,” said the group’s Paladin, Elizabeth. “If we pull off any insane moves, like this nat 20, you just know that NPCs in-world are gonna be painting portraits of Mary and shit like that for years that we’ll come across in our adventures. I can’t wait to see what nonsense he writes up to justify all the bullshit we put him through. And Mary is so funny when we play together; she’s always pulling the most hilarious shit.”

At press time, the group was locked into battle after being ambushed by three marauding kings.

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