Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Nintendo Announces New Daily Fee to Keep Your Pokémon Alive

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Matt Shore

KYOTO, Japan — In order to remain competitive in the games-as-service era, Nintendo announced today that players will need to pay a new daily fee to keep their Pokémon alive.

“Since 1996, players around the world have treasured their Pokémon as friends and partners. Should they wish to continue to do so, we humbly request a daily fee of $17.99 USD to ensure that nothing unfortunate happens to them,” explained Satoshi Tajiri, president of Game Freak. “We think that this will help trainers grow an even stronger bond with their Pokémon than ever before. Plus, we really love having money without having to do a lot of work.”

Tajiri noted that the Pokémon collection app Pokémon Home will be updated to feature a daily countdown timer that can be stopped as soon as payment is received.

“As time ticks down, the player’s Pokémon will travel along a conveyor belt towards an incinerator. Of course, fire-type Pokémon would resist this, which is why they will simply be drowned,” Tajiri said. “Your daily payments are all that can prevent them from this terrible fate. As you might have guessed, shiny Pokémon will be the first to go, and based on existing lore, they also feel the most pain. We are so excited to introduce you to all of these new features and stories!”

The online Pokémon community erupted in heated debate following this announcement, with some fans dismayed that they were being extorted by Nintendo.

“When they charged $60 for a bare-bones, lackluster remake of Pokémon Diamond, I realized that Nintendo was exploiting our love of Pokémon,” said popular Twitter user, BabyWhorelax. “But when they threatened to kill our Pokémon unless we paid them, that was when I realized that they had nearly gone too far. If they make six or seven more crooked business decisions like this, I might actually think about considering not giving them my money.”

Other Pokémon fans considered the debate “ridiculous,” and praised Nintendo for ensuring that their Pokémon would live forever.

A self-proclaimed Pokémon addict with the username EatMeowth responded angrily to BabyWhorelax, tweeting, “Anyone who cannot afford $17.99 a day to keep their best and only friends alive is NOT A TRUE FAN.” After a fiery exchange between the two, BabyWhorelax admitted that he had already signed up for a daily subscription, and EatMeowth revealed that he would be financing the service via Twitch donations.

At press time, fans became even more enraged after realizing the new games wouldn’t feature every Pokémon from previous games constantly fearing for their lives.

LED on Vape Pen Used to Navigate Dark Basement

Posted on March 26, 2022 by Kyle Erf

PITTSBURGH — A man stranded in the dark during a recent power outage reportedly used the light on the end of his vape pen to navigate the basement and gather emergency supplies, sources have confirmed.

“That was pretty murky down there, not going to lie,” said Terry Kelly, shortly after the ordeal. “I was using a lighter, but that wouldn’t stay lit, and then I realized I could just use my vape pen light. It was great. Well, not great. It made everything all blue and I got fucking so fucking high I forgot what I was doing. But it did the job, there’s no doubt about that. Did you ask me a question or did I just start talking about this?”

Roommates of Kelly’s were impressed with his ingenuity and adventurous nature.

“Man, that’s just how that guy is,” said Raymond Jones, one of Kelly’s several housemates. “I don’t think I would’ve had the brains, or the nerve, frankly, to wander around in the basement by nothing but vape light. That’s so hardcore. He came up with some weird shit like dryer sheets and that old busted vacuum, but he also grabbed some candles and canned goods, so overall it was a help. Plus now he gets to be high as fuck.”

While the methodology proved effective, professionals warned against relying on vape pens as a light source for an extended amount of time.

“Of course there’s a literal light on the end there,” said Lauren Greene, a representative from Vape Canaveral Products, one of the leading distributors of vape pens in the area . “But come on, they’re just mostly there to look badass and let everyone around you know your whole deal. These aren’t meant to explore basements or anything like that. We can’t recommend that you use the light on the end of your vape pens to explore any kind of basements, caverns, or tombs. Use a torch or something.”

As of press time, the power came back on right when Kelly was finished telling his entire story.

Immortal Quest-Giving Man Perfectly Calm While Plane Is Going Down

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Hunter R. Thompson

KEARNEY, Neb. — Quest giver Brahm Elga’art the Wise was reportedly calm and collected as his New York-to-Los Angeles flight caught fire and tailspun 35,000 feet into the ground, according to other passengers who were disturbed by his behavior.

“I try to make small talk like the good old days before smartphones, yaknow? So I poke the young man next to me on the shoulder, he takes his headphones off, and he tells me, ‘Do not speak to me again unless you carry the Glade Scepter of the Undead,’” said Ellen Sherfield, who was seated next to Brahm the Wise for the entire flight. “I later saw the engine catch fire out the window, and he just smiled at me and said, ‘Gomhaen shant permit me to die until His will is done.’ Is that a Mormon thing?”

As the plane began its rapid descent, Brahm the Wise took the opportunity to speak animatedly about the Glade Scepter of the Undead, including its forging and subsequent theft by the Lich Queen and her Sodden Thrall, its location in a hidden stash in the undersea catacomb of a long-lost civilization, and the enchanted hat he offered as a reward to anyone who could retrieve it for him.

“My husband Paul’s been needing a new Fortified Elfsteel Helmet ever since his hair started going,” Sherfield continued, “but I reckoned it’d be better to consider his offer when we were safely on the ground and everybody wasn’t screaming our heads off. In the worst case, you know, maybe I could’ve looted it off him if he didn’t make it?”

After the plane touched down in a nearby field, rescue operations on the ground were hampered by Brahm the Wise’s erratic behavior and apparent immortality, according to the National Transportation Safety Board.

“First responders found Mr. The Wise crouching on one knee in a pile of rubble, clutching his chest and weakly grunting curses at no one in particular,” reported NTSB spokesperson Eoin Farrell in a televised press conference. “He stood up after several hours in a, uh, belligerent state, it says here. Summoning soul imps from the earth, blasting innocent and guilty alike with holy fire from his hands, and so forth. My condolences to those impacted.”

When reached for comment, Brahm the Wise only repeated the phrases “Hello,” “Can I help you?” and “Glory be to Gomhaen” in no particular order.

Ten Pushups Successfully Offsets Seven Hours on Couch

Posted on March 24, 2022 by Jacob Colliver

MADISON, Wisc. — All consequences of a sedentary lifestyle can be averted with several half-hearted pushups, a local man reported yesterday.

“It was Sunday, and I was surprisingly lethargic after spending an entire week on the couch playing Elden Ring,” said IT technician Thomas Austar. “Luckily, I committed to ten solid pushups — both all the way down and all the way back up. Now I’m limber, reenergized and completely prepared to go bouldering for my cousin’s 21st birthday tomorrow.”

Austar, 32, credited his athleticism to a sporadic series of self-improvement efforts, including going for a walk around the block every month to mitigate a decade of sitting five feet from a 50-inch screen in the middle of the day, blinds drawn.

“Thomas is the most responsible patient I’ve ever had,” Austar’s physician Dr. Mary Hollis revealed. ”If he drinks an entire 20-fluid-ounce Mountain Dew at D&D night, he always makes sure to have a glass of water, too. He’ll heed my advice on snacking and eat plenty of popcorn, which is a vegetable. He worries about his aerobic exercise, but cardio is ultimately anything that gets your heart racing — like Rocket League, which is a sport, actually.”

Austar considers the balance of both physical and mental health to be the “ultimate personal responsibility.” His commitment to fitness is aided by “many, many herbal supplements” that help him to relax, get frequent naps and keep his appetite active.

“Thom’s cracked the code,” housemate and devotee Geoff Puglston said. “I was a slob before I moved in with him, but all I had to do was follow some practical advice like ‘eat a lunch with more than two colors in it’ and ‘remember to wriggle your toes when they go numb.’ Now, I have the chiseled physique of a marbled Greek statue.”

Austar’s health continues to improve, as his varicose veins have reportedly cleared up after “thinking about getting a standing desk one day.”

Upcoming Patch Promises to Nerf Only Enjoyable Thing About Game

Posted on March 23, 2022 by Saad Khan

IRVINE, Calif. — Developers of the critically panned online shooter Guardian Clash announced plans to patch a glitch that made the game enjoyable, promising to bring the game more in line with their original vision and effectively removing the only enjoyable thing about the game.

“Reviews of Guardian Clash have been lukewarm, to say the least,” said game director Gavin Ostermeyer, snacking on a slice of plain white bread with nothing on it. “Player count dropped off steeply shortly after release, but it’s picked back up recently after the discovery of an exploit that allows the character Doomleg to deal massive amounts of damage. Although our metrics show that player count increased significantly once this exploit was publicized, it runs counter to the vision we have for the game. We absolutely cannot allow it to exist.”

Removing another slice of bread from a nearby loaf, Ostermeyer continued.

“We strove to build a game that stays even-keeled throughout, without too many unexpected moments of thrill or excitement, and we will continue working towards achieving that vision.”

A fan of Guardian Clash, Sarah Wallace, was one of the players who came back to the game after learning of the exploit, but was disappointed after hearing of the patch.

“Using Doomleg to demolish everyone is the most fun I’ve had playing the game,” said Wallace. “You’ll have entire lobbies full of Doomlegs just demolishing each other. It’s great. I was one of the people who fell off the game at launch because it was so boring, but seeing a video of the glitch pulled me back in. I’ll probably just stop playing again if they go through with this patch. I wish the makers of the game would just let people have fun.”

Upon release of the patch, players quickly discovered an additional exploit that made the game even more enjoyable and brought in thousands of new players. Guardian Clash developers announced they would be taking the game offline completely until all issues could be fixed.

Realist Kid Watching Batman Wants to Grow Up to Be Alfred

Posted on March 22, 2022 by Doug Kolic

SAN DIEGO — After watching the new Batman movie, pragmatic local tween Jayden McIntosh declared he wanted to grow up to be the subservient British butler Alfred Pennyworth, not Batman, the crime fighting superhero most kids his age aspire to be.

“I’m only 12 years old, but I already know I’m not cut out to be anybody’s hero. I’m not that smart or athletically gifted, and I’m fully aware that my personality is ‘meh.’ Plus, everyone’s always bossing me around, so I think I’m better suited to be someone like Alfred, a simple butler who knows his station in life. I’ve come to terms with it. It’s fine.”

Jayden’s parents expressed concern after hearing their son’s mediocre life goal.

“When Jayden told us that he loved the new ‘Alfred’ film, we were a little confused. Then he started putting up posters on his vision board of the butler doing tedious household chores like steam cleaning Batman’s cape and making tea,’’ said McIntosh’s father. “We just wish we had the heart to tell him that he may not be butler material either, since he’s pretty weak at taking direction and can’t make tea for shit. The bar may need to go even lower.”

Jayden’s older brother Todd, who was once a die-hard Batman fan, also weighed in on his younger sibling’s odd aspiration.

“I totally wanted to be the Caped Crusader when I was his age, but I grew out of my desire to help innocent people after I got in with the wrong crowd and started drinking, smoking dope and getting arrested. I was more like a DC villain than anything, which was way more fun. I’m not sure about this butler thing, though,” said his brother. “We used to share a room, and Jayden was incredibly untidy and very unorganized. I’m pretty sure Batman would never hire him.”

By press time, Jayden had ripped down all his Alfred posters and was following Todd to the train tracks in hopes of joining his brother’s crew of ne’er-do-wells, where he would undoubtedly begin a life as a low-level henchman engaged in petty crime.

Blinding White Bandai Namco Logo Closest Thing to Sunlight Elden Ring Player Has Seen in Weeks

Posted on March 22, 2022 by Chandler Dean

SOUTH BERWICK, Maine — Having refused to move from his spot on the couch since he purchased Elden Ring in February, local gamer Victor Magoon has begun to rely upon the blinding white light of the Bandai Namco logo as his sole source of electromagnetic radiation, which he would otherwise receive via exposure to the sun.

“At first, I’d have to look away when the logo appeared, because I play in the dark — as any real gamer should, to maximize immersion — and the shock of white light made me physically uncomfortable,” explained Magoon, whose skin tone is now indistinguishable from the pale white matte of his undecorated walls. “But now? I’ve started hittin’ reset on this baby every few hours, crawling up to my TV screen, and basking in Bandai Namco’s glorious glow.”

“Time for Bandai Namco! Visions of Bandai Namco! Let there be Bandai Namco!” Magoon added. “Ahh, Bandai Namco! Behold, Bandai Namco! Praise the Bandai Namco! Bandai Namco, O Bandai Namco! Could this be a Bandai Namco?”

Magoon’s roommate, Robin Galef, was visibly concerned about the well-being of her friend as she described her efforts to keep him tied to an ordinary human perception of time.

“I tried to open the blinds so that some natural light would stream into the room, but then he hissed at me and said I was ‘destroying the ambiance,’” revealed Galef, who has also occasionally left snacks in the living room to ensure Magoon was sufficiently nourished. “He also got Horizon Forbidden West but I think he only played that for about 45 minutes.”

According to Dr. Yint Dial, a scientist at Fordham University, a lack of access to sun rays may be the least of Magoon’s problems.

“As it turns out, the Bandai Namco logo is so astonishingly bright that, at a high enough dosage, it could serve as an acceptable substitute for sunlight under certain circumstances,” Dr. Dial shared. “The real risk of playing Elden Ring for 500 hours or more, especially if you are a noob, is that we as humans did not evolve to take this many L’s in such a constrained amount of time.”

At press time, Magoon summoned a friend of his to go outside and absorb vitamin D on his behalf.

Disney Teases Upcoming “Gayest First Gay Character Yet”

Posted on March 22, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

BURBANK, Calif. — Following a wave of backlash and scrutiny focusing on their reaction to a controversial piece of Florida legislature, Disney executives have revealed that their next animated feature will introduce their very gayest first gay character yet.

“We have heard your complaints and concerns,” began a letter penned by Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Chapek that was released to Disney employees earlier today, following a walkout by many employees today. “And we are sorry that we underestimated the passion these social causes inspire in so many here at the Disney family. As such, we have immediately greenlit something that we think not only says we’re sorry, but also ensures people will keep subscribing to Disney+ for a while longer; our gayest first gay character we’ve ever introduced.”

The announcement upset many observers, who were quick to point out Disney’s thorny history with the subject matter.

“I don’t know how they think counting works,” said Cynthia Duncan, a Disney fan that has gotten excited about the first gay Disney character on four separate occasions. “But this is not how counting works. There’s been so many first gay Disney characters they could have their own Space Jam team at this point. Do they think we forgot how they threw themselves a parade when you could see two women kiss for a second in The Last Jedi? Or the time the one Russo brother wandered on-screen during Endgame and mumbled something about a date with a man?”

The gay character, who will appear in Pixar’s upcoming Raccoon Village, appears to be some sort of friend or neighbor to the main protagonists of the film (it isn’t made clear). During a pivotal scene that sees a family of raccoons arguing about what to do next, an adult raccoon steps out of a closet, announces, “I am a gay racoon,” and proceeds to go back into the closet, where he is not seen or heard from again for the duration of the film.

“We think this character will be a pivotal part of the Disney universe for years to come,” continued Chapek. “And while some have remarked that his appearance is literally the bare minimum as far as representation goes, we disagree and are happy to welcome Unnamed Gay Racoon into the proud lineage of First Gay Disney Characters, which includes LeFou from Beauty and the Beast, Artie in Cruella, and those lesbians in the background of a single shot in Toy Story 4.”

When asked if they would commit to cutting off donations to polarizing Florida lawmakers , Disney executives quickly changed the subject and announced several new Star Wars and Marvel shows that honestly look pretty cool.

Fantasy Author Really Hoping No One Notices Fictional Language Is Just Polish

Posted on March 21, 2022 by Neel Bhakta

SAN ANTONIO 一 Author of the beloved fantasy series The Crown of Ptaki is worried that astute readers have finally noticed that his fictional Elven language is actually just Polish.

“After years of reading fantasy, I figured I’d give it a go as well. I mean, it sounds so much easier than other genres because you can justify any mistakes or inconsistencies as canonical lore,” said Jeff J.M. Grisham. “But assholes like Tolkien fucked over the entire genre by creating their own languages! Get a life, nerds! I’m not doing any of that shit, so I used Google Translate and picked some random language that already exists. And now, I’m being painted as the bad guy for not acknowledging Polish culture. I don’t subscribe to that narrative at all, man.”

Vocal critics of the book series expressed their opinions through viral Twitter threads.

“Yeah, no shit it’s Polish. I’ve been saying that since day one. The first line of the entire book is ‘Witam wszystkich, jaki jest twój ulubiony owoc?’ I mean, I’m no linguist, but that’s very clearly a Slavic language,” tweeted @BigTimeFantussyFan. “Also, did no one else notice that the elves exclusively eat pierogies and kielbasa? How did this guy get away with this for so long? The main villain is literally called Baba Jaga. Who is buying this shit?”

Others within the fandom still loved the series and refused to acknowledge the legitimacy of the claims.

“The Crown of Ptaki is the greatest book series of all time. The storytelling, the character development, the worldbuilding. It feels like I’m truly existing in a mystical country with a long and storied history. I mean, where else but fantasy could you have names like Frydyrek and Krzysztof?” said Alec Kaminski, aka @PtakingTheCrown. “And about these bullshit rumors: I’m half Polish myself. Even though I never bothered to embrace my heritage and learn the language, there’s absolutely no way that is Polish — and no, I’m not going to look it up.”

Hoping to distract from the criticism, Grisham later revealed his next book series would focus on a gruesome and putrid fictional land called ‘Ohio.’

Opinion: Pokémon Should Pay Their Trainer for the Right to Live in a Pokéball

Posted on March 21, 2022 by Andy Holt

It’s about time we address the elephant in the room: Pokémon simply have it too good.

When they’re not battling other Pokémon until they pass out, or cutting through bushes, or flying their trainer from town to town, or ferrying their trainer across the perilous seas, or moving boulders that weigh a thousand pounds, or lighting the way through dangerous caverns, they’re basically just sitting around in their Pokéballs. Doing nothing. That needs to stop.

The gravy train ends now: Pokémon need to start paying rent for their Pokéballs.

While all these spoiled Poké-slackers sit around in their spacious accommodations, probably smoking weed, the trainers are doing all the skilled labor. They’re finding the Pokémon. They’re catching the Pokémon. They’re throwing the Pokémon into battle. They’re telling the Pokémon what to do in battle. They’re collecting the winnings from battle. And on top of that, these same trainers are also supposed to shoulder the burden of giving each Pokémon a ball to live in—completely unpaid, mind you. Last I heard, that’s pretty much the same as slavery.

Take it from the owner of nearly 20 Pokéballs: We are being exploited by a bunch of moochers.

What, you think Pokéballs are free? They cost serious money from Pokémon battles. That’s not counting the risk the trainer takes in purchasing one. What if the Pokémon they catch isn’t as good at battling as the other Pokémon? What if they have to put that Pokémon in storage? Is the trainer just supposed to just eat that cost? Are they supposed to cover these posh living arrangements for these unemployed losers, with no hope of recouping their investment? No. Hardworking Pokéball owners need to get paid for putting themselves on the line.

Because having a Pokéball is a job.

I mean, imagine where the Pokemon would be without their Pokéballs. Where would they live? The tall grass? Surviving off the bounty of the land, taking only what they need, contributing to a single ecosystem that benefits all the many creatures involved? That’s ridiculous. Next thing you’ll tell me their trainer doesn’t need to be the very best. Sorry, but we don’t live in a fantasy world. We live in this world. And this world is the only way things could ever be.

I know what you’re thinking: How are Pokémon supposed to pay rent when the fruits of their labor go to the trainer? You must not have taken economics. It’s too complicated to explain why that’s a dumb question, but basically, Pokémon need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I started with nothing but some Pokéballs, a home to live in, a complete education in how to catch Pokémon, a one-of-a-kind Pokédex from the most renowned professor in the region (a family friend), and a Charmander. But more than anything, I relied on my work ethic.

It’s about time these Pokémon find a work ethic of their own.

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