Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Long-Distance Couple Changes Zoom Background to Seedy Motel to Spice Things Up

Posted on March 20, 2022 by Matt Shore

SAN DIEGO ー Struggling to keep the flames of their long-distance relationship alive, Tasha Rice, 33, and Mark Kolar, 32, decided to add a spicy twist to their regular video calls by changing their Zoom backgrounds to the tattered, yellowing wallpaper and coin-operated beds of a seedy motel in a Florida suburb.

“At first I wasn’t sure if I’d be into kinky roleplaying, but as soon as those virtual backgrounds clicked on I actually got really into it,” admitted Kolar, a tech consultant whose work separated him from his live-in girlfriend in Chicago last year. “I really felt like I was in that humid Florida motel room. And once Tasha addressed me as the slovenly ice machine repairman, I really started to come alive.”

“It’s just so nice to have a change of pace from my stuffy work life,” said Rice, a soprano for the Lyric Opera of Chicago, who explained that the fantasy was a nice excuse to experience a less sophisticated walk of life. “Sometimes I’m the maid, and when I enter the room to change sheets, I find him handcuffed to the bed with a sock in his mouth,” said Rice. “We even tried one where he was a hillbilly hand-fisher, and I was a very naughty alligator. I got a noise complaint that night.”

Regardless of the specific scenarios they dream up to match the dingy backgrounds on their Zoom screens, Rice and Kolar have found a way to make long-distance work.

“She’s my little bedbug, and I’m the greasy janitor who watches her undress through the eyehole of a Ron DeSantis portrait. When I’m ready to propose, I’m taking her ass down to Florida for real. The giant roach costume I’m working on is going to rock her world.”

At press time, the date ended right when things were heating up due to Zoom’s 40 minute time limit for free accounts.

First Nice Day of Spring Spent Orienting TV So Light Won’t Shine On It

Posted on March 20, 2022 by Jon Ruggiero

A quick report from the Hard Drive Weather Department:

According to our Accu-Climate Weather Doppler it looks like we’re in for a beautiful couple of days, which means you’ll be spending some time moving your TV so the sun doesn’t directly shine on it while you game.

With highs in the low 70s and not a cloud to be seen, you can be sure that you’ll spend at least an hour over the next few days angrily watching the sun creep across your monitor to the point where the UI of the game you’re playing is so obstructed you’ll be forced to get up and physically turn your television — a very easy task that will feel like the most laborious thing you’ve ever put yourself through.

Mild temperatures will continue through the week, meaning you might want to open your window to let some fresh air in along with the cool breeze to get rid of the combined smell of the various take-out foods you’ve consumed the last few days. Be sure to properly secure any anime figures you may have so that the wind doesn’t blow them off of your shelves.

Looking ahead to the weekend, we may get a light shower of rain early on Friday for a wet morning commute.

That should all clear up by mid-day, when the sun will once again come out to stay for Saturday and Sunday, and if you happen to have moved your monitor back into its original position, we estimate you’ll get upset when the light reflects off of every single speck of dust clinging to your dirty screen.

Enjoy the weather as best you can, and if you do end up having to go outside, don’t forget to bring a little umbrella to shade your Nintendo Switch for any park gaming.

New Ubisoft Game Lets Players Tackle Same Mission in Any Order They Want

Posted on March 18, 2022 by Camden Brazile

TORONTO — Ubisoft’s highly anticipated game released this week, with fans praising the game’s open world for letting players tackle the exact same mission in any order they please.

“It’s all about giving players choices to feel like they are really in control of the narrative,” Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot said. “There are twenty seven towers in the game for the player to fortify and add to the map, and what’s so fun is that every player can choose to do the same mindless chore over and over at completely their own pace. In fact, there’s nothing stopping you from just going straight to the final boss fight, in which you have to clear out a tower and then fortify a base, but this time maybe there’s a guy there with a lot of health.”

The game’s lead developer Gene Abbott said the game’s open world capabilities took a long time to perfect.

“Games like this are really tricky to balance, but I think we found the perfect recipe to make it work,” Abbott said. “As you clear out more bases of the same four enemies in slightly different camo, you gain more abilities and weapons, but we add a couple enemies and give them a little more health. It’s all to make sure that it never feels like you’re getting more powerful, but the game also never gets more challenging as it goes on. Other game studios had written off this level of futility as impossible, but I’m proud to say Ubisoft’s team finally cracked the code.”

Players have also appreciated the level of unprecedented autonomy the game provides them.

“It’s just so crazy that I’m allowed to play the game any way I want,” Twitch streamer HaloCrash said. “I’ll be off in the jungle fortifying a base when an NPC calls me and tells me he needs me to fortify a base ten yards away, but I don’t have to go there yet if I don’t want to. I can go fortify a base on the complete other side of the map, or just hang out doing side quests where I fortify bases. It’s really putting power in the hands of players.”

At press time, Ubisoft already announced their next project, which was revealed to be just one long, interrupted trailing mission.

Players Locked Out of ‘Gran Turismo 7’ Offered ‘Midnight Club II’ as Loaner

Posted on March 18, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

TOKYO — After a server update left players unable to access even the solo portions of Gran Turismo 7 for over 24 hours, developers Polyphony Digital have offered everyone affected by the outage a gently used copy of 2003’s Midnight Club II in the interim to fulfill their daily racing game obligations.

“Eh, I’m still not thrilled that I couldn’t come home from work and unwind by playing the career mode on a game I just dropped 70 bucks on,” said Clark Miltroe, a PS5 owner that was disappointed to find the game inaccessible last night. “But, it’s nice for them to set me up with something until I can get back into GT7. Midnight Club II is definitely a little older and slower, but I’ll be able to smoke a little weed and vibe out to this tonight. I hope they get me my game back soon, though. I have a girl coming over this weekend and I told her we’d play Gran Turismo!”

Kazunori Yamauchi, Gran Turismo designer and Polyphony Digital CEO, explained that routine maintenance on a game is integral to ensuring it lasts a long time.

“Nobody wants their game to have to go into the shop, we know that,” said Yamauchi. “But we also know that no one wants their game to crash when they’re in the middle of a race. So we decided to fix the issues we saw now, rather than have to deal with more explosive crashes happening later in the game’s lifecycle. And hey, we’re gonna hook you up with Midnight Club II as a daily driver. Would Microsoft do that? Doubt it.”

One of the lead programmers on the game echoed Yamauchi’s insistence that taking the game off the road was necessary.

“Oh yeah, that cocksucker had a few bugs that were seizing the whole thing up,” said Cal “Hoss” Billings, a third generation game programmer, as he wiped the motor oil from his hands onto a soiled rag. “Sumbitch wasn’t firin’ like it shoulda. So we got in there and cleaned some things out, polished some things, gave the chassis a new coat. Oh, and we cranked down how many credits you get per race, in an effort to make players spend more of their real money. Buncha shit like that.”

As of press time, Gran Turismo 7 was back online and Polyphony Digital had politely asked that all copies of Midnight Club II were returned to them by midnight.

Genius Notices ‘Hard Drive’ Article Was Already Posted Once Before

Posted on March 17, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MADISON, Wisc. — Local genius and prolific social media commenter Nate Goulding was commended by online peers after noticing that an article recently posted by video game comedy website Hard Drive had been posted once before in the past.

“I don’t know what it is; I just notice things that other people don’t see. I guess it has something to do with my superior mind? It’s hard to say for sure, but that’s definitely a major factor,” Goulding explained to no one in particular. “I’m a big believer in the idea that you should share your gifts with the world. That’s just a little theory about life that I’ve picked up from the hundreds of superhero movies I’ve seen. With great power comes great responsibility. For me, that gift is my intelligence and my insights. How could I sleep at night, knowing that I’ve seen a Hard Drive article posted to Instagram in the past, without telling other people in the comments that I have? Either you die a hero or you live long enough to become the villain. And no, I don’t ever plan on clicking one of the links to read the full article.”

Other Hard Drive readers were reportedly thankful for Goulding’s comment pointing out the repeated headline.

“I was really enjoying the Hard Drive joke because I hadn’t seen it before, considering it was published in 2018 and I only found out about the website in 2020. But now that I know it’s old? You bet I’m fucking pissed off. Fuck this website!” said former Hard Drive fan Anushka Dillard. “How dare these people think they can get away with slipping old jokes by us like we won’t find out? I can’t believe the twisted psyches these Hard Drive editors must have, but I won’t have it! Not to mention, I also just realized that a YouTuber I like made a similar joke last year, and even though the Hard Drive article is four years old, I still feel like they ripped him off. Fuck Hard Drive!”

When goaded to comment, Hard Drive Editor-in-Chief Jeremy Kaplowitz was dismissive of complaints.

“I don’t care about the miserable little cretins who read our website. I am a video game satire comedy god,” Kaplowitz said, his eyes glowing with contempt and unknowable power. “Do you know who I am? I made a slightly viral video making fun of Jerry Seinfeld in 2019. I had a popular Facebook meme page in 2014. I have several tweets that masterfully utilize irony to destroy the opinions of those who disagree with me online. How dare these peons step before me? I am an unstoppable force of internet comedy. The world will crumble at my feet long before I ever fall from the mountaintop of humor at which I reside! Every sentence I say could be followed up with an advertisement for a vibrator or glowy lights for your bedroom. Hahahaha! I’m laughing! Hoohhahaaahah!”

At press time, all comments arguing about Hard Drive’s history of reposting were usurped across social media feeds after a really angry guy thought the article was real news.

Billiards Announces New Ball

Posted on March 17, 2022 by Jon Ruggiero

SEATTLE — Beloved parlor game Billiards, commonly known as Pool, will finally be getting an update with the addition of a new ball.

The number 16 ball has been rumored to be in development for years with fans speculating whether or not they’d ever see it. After a leak posted to Reddit last week, the ball was officially revealed during a livestream from the International Billiards Group, an organized body that governs billiards rules around the world. To distinguish the ball from both Solids and Stripes, the 16 ball will reportedly have an argyle pattern on it.

“FINALLY the update we needed to bring the game into the future, my grandpa is gonna be so excited,” commented BilliardLad88 under the YouTube video of the announcement, which, as of press time, has received hundreds of views.

Though the rules have rarely changed since the game was created in the 15th century, many had expected an update to the game to get it acclimated with modern times. However, some commenters did not appreciate the news.

“I played this game with fifteen balls, my father played this game with fifteen balls, so did my grandfather and my great-grandfather, this is disgusting I REFUSE TO PLAY WITH THIS NONSENSE,” said YouTube commenter Dale_Sus.

Another commenter, xKingRalphx, said, “ANOTHER NUMBERED BALL?!?!?!? Ridiculous, you guys are obsessed with numbered balls. why can’t we get a lettered ball, WE’VE HAD PLENTY OF NUMBERS…”

The ball’s creator, Wendell Snerf, said in the livestream that his team has been working for a while to figure out what ball was needed.

“We tried changing the composition of the balls, the size of the table, but nothing worked well,” Snerf said. “In the end, our love of the game of pool brought us back to one simple idea: let’s just add another ball. More balls, more fun!”

The IGB finished the livestream by explaining that the new ball can be purchased next month at any local GameStop, and the game will be impossible to play in the future without it.

Running Out of Wii U Titles, Nintendo Announces Switch Port of ‘Super Mario Odyssey’

Posted on March 16, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Having seemingly exhausted its supply of overlooked Wii U titles to bring to the Switch, Nintendo has announced plans to port 2017’s Super Mario Odyssey back to the platform later this year.

“We’re so excited to bring one of the Switch’s biggest hits back to the Nintendo Switch,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser today in a surprise Direct that announced the upcoming port, titled Super Super Mario Odyssey. “And let’s make no mistake here; we’re not changing a thing about this game. We’re just bringing it to the Switch is all. We know a lot people spent some of their formative years playing Odyssey five years ago, and we wanted to show them our thanks by giving them a new version to buy that stayed faithful to the original in literally every way. Also, if you’ve been meaning to check this game out for years, now you can just buy the new one when it comes out!”

Despite no significant changes being made to any aspect of the game, the announcement was met with mixed reactions among Nintendo fans.

“As always, I don’t really understand what they’re thinking here,” said Lenny Maven, a lifelong Nintendo fan. “I’ve gotten used to them blurring the lines between their current and last systems, as well as rolling their big retro snowball along into a bigger weirder version every generation, but remaking games we all loved on the same platform from just a few years ago? I’m not going to pay for that! Most likely.”

Others thought the move was in line with current trends in the gaming industry.

“Honestly, it’ll be one of the best games of the year, what is there to be mad about?” asked games journalist Connor Myers about the upcoming port. “Where do we draw the line all these remasters and rereleases? If Grand Theft Auto V can be a high profile release on most of the PlayStations, then I don’t see why Nintendo can’t release Odyssey twice on the Switch. Fuck it. There’s no rules.”

Super Super Mario Odyssey is expected to release this holiday season, and will also be featured in a bundle with the original Super Mario Odyssey, called Super Mario Odyssey All-Stars. As of press time, Nintendo had also hinted at a possible prequel to Nintendo’s upcoming Breath of the Wild 2.

60 Chickens Accuse Gonzo of Creating Toxic Work Environment on Muppet Show

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Matt Shore

LOS ANGELES 一 A flock of 60 chickens who work on the The Muppet Show have come forward to accuse Gonzo, the show’s eccentric stuntman, of creating a toxic workplace due to a series of incidents involving inappropriate comments, unwelcome plucking, and a cannon, anonymous sources have confirmed.

“The so-called ‘Great Gonzo’ made frequent comments about how delicious the chickens’ legs looked on a regular basis,” said a representative for the aggrieved chickens, speaking through a chicken-to-English translator developed by Dr. Benson Honeydew of Muppet Labs. “During musical numbers, he would always give solos to chickens with ‘the juiciest breasts.’ If anyone complained, he would hold up a feather duster and say, ‘You know what this is? The last chicken who disagreed.’”

In a particularly disturbing incident, Gonzo allegedly fired chickens repeatedly out of a 17th century cannon in an attempt to retrieve a toilet he had absent-mindedly glued to the ceiling during Muppet Show rehearsals. When one of the chickens’ heads became lodged in the toilet, Gonzo reportedly berated the chicken for “using the ceiling-toilet backwards.”

When pressed for comment, Gonzo insisted that the toilet fiasco could be considered standard workplace behavior on the Muppet Show lot. “There’s nothing dangerous about cannons in the workplace. I’ve used that cannon to blast myself to sleep every night since the 1970s. If it was dangerous, don’t you think I would have brain damage? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go play the bagpipes on a tightrope above a tank full of enraged sharks.”

Gonzo’s longtime girlfriend, Camilla, claims that the chickens accusing Gonzo are simply jealous.

“The Muppet Show is a family and an American legacy, and those fairweather hens should be deep-fried for trying to destroy that legacy,” said Camilla, again through Dr. Honeydew’s translator. “If Gonzo hadn’t given them an opportunity to sing, they’d be rotating in a Boston Market right now. They should be grateful to that beautiful whatever-he-is.”

At press time, in an effort to be sensitive to the Muppet chicken community during the ongoing investigation, Muppet Studios have announced they will no longer be broadcasting their classic segment where Gonzo rides motorcycle over a bridge of chickens above a bubbling volcano.

Dumbass Poser Actually Likes Pikachu

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Naomi Krause

MADISON, Wisc. — Receiving widespread ridicule from other Pokémon fans who openly pitied such a basic Pokémon choice, local 7-year-old poser has been outed as actually liking Pikachu, who sources say is universally understood to be a worthless rat with lower base stats than Luvdisc.

“I like Pikachu because he shoots lightning! Lightning is cool!” said Timmy Berenson, 7, blissfully unaware of what a fool he had made of himself by expressing such a pedestrian opinion. “Also he has cute red circles on his cheeks, and red is my favorite color. But I don’t mind that Pikachu’s mostly yellow, because yellow’s a good color, too.”

Berenson’s comments were eviscerated by those in the local Pokémon community.

“It’s kind of pathetic that someone would even say Pikachu’s name out loud in 2022, doesn’t everyone know how bad that weakling’s defense is?” said Brock Weiland, 42, who first became aware of Berenson’s Pikachu fandom while standing behind him in line at a local GameStop. “I would have given him a little credit if he’d at least added a qualifier that he meant Pikachu specifically holding onto a Light Ball to raise its Attack and Special Attack stats, but he didn’t even seem to know what I was talking about. And when I quizzed him on what Pikachu’s EV spread was, he said ‘Isn’t Eevee a whole different Pokémon?’ I’m terrified that his generation will inherit our world one day.”

When asked for further comment after being presented with Weiland’s critical feedback on Pikachu, Berenson said that his other favorite character on the show is Pikachu’s owner, Ash Ketchum.

Email Hacker Graciously Leaves Pizza Hut Rewards Right Where They Are

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

THE DARK WEB — Benevolently passing over the highly valuable stash of fast-food pizza currency, serial hacker and digital vulnerability extraordinaire teh_Bwnz0r has reportedly decided to leave the Pizza Hut rewards points earned by Troy Spears of Indiana untouched while hacking Spears’s email account.

“I like to think of myself as a people person,” stated teh_Bwnz0r, while scanning the “receipts” tab of Spears’s inbox for relevant bank account information. “I see a lot of personal data in this line of work, and there’s a lot of valuable things to steal, but there’s no glory in taking rewards points so I leave ‘em. Even though it is tempting — you should’ve seen how many Hot Topic rewards points the last guy had.”

Troy appeared less than excited about the kind gesture.

“So I got the hacker’s calling card email letting me know that I still have my pizza points, but he did drain all of my bank accounts so he’s not exactly innocent,” said Spears, still on hold with the local authorities to pinpoint teh_Bwnzor’s IP address. “It’s not like I can redeem these points into cash, although I guess I could at least order a pizza while I’m waiting on hold here.”

A spokesperson for Pizza Hut estimates that last-resort food options for victims of catastrophic ransomware theft account for 80% of all Pizza Hut rewards points purchases.

“Generally I don’t think anyone even realizes they have rewards points with us except for the grace of those white-hat hackers out there,” said Thomas Priebe, SVP of Marketing. “I mean, would you get a personal pan pizza for dinner unless you had no other options?”

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News