SAN ANTONIO 一 Author of the beloved fantasy series The Crown of Ptaki is worried that astute readers have finally noticed that his fictional Elven language is actually just Polish.
“After years of reading fantasy, I figured I’d give it a go as well. I mean, it sounds so much easier than other genres because you can justify any mistakes or inconsistencies as canonical lore,” said Jeff J.M. Grisham. “But assholes like Tolkien fucked over the entire genre by creating their own languages! Get a life, nerds! I’m not doing any of that shit, so I used Google Translate and picked some random language that already exists. And now, I’m being painted as the bad guy for not acknowledging Polish culture. I don’t subscribe to that narrative at all, man.”
Vocal critics of the book series expressed their opinions through viral Twitter threads.
“Yeah, no shit it’s Polish. I’ve been saying that since day one. The first line of the entire book is ‘Witam wszystkich, jaki jest twój ulubiony owoc?’ I mean, I’m no linguist, but that’s very clearly a Slavic language,” tweeted @BigTimeFantussyFan. “Also, did no one else notice that the elves exclusively eat pierogies and kielbasa? How did this guy get away with this for so long? The main villain is literally called Baba Jaga. Who is buying this shit?”
Others within the fandom still loved the series and refused to acknowledge the legitimacy of the claims.
“The Crown of Ptaki is the greatest book series of all time. The storytelling, the character development, the worldbuilding. It feels like I’m truly existing in a mystical country with a long and storied history. I mean, where else but fantasy could you have names like Frydyrek and Krzysztof?” said Alec Kaminski, aka @PtakingTheCrown. “And about these bullshit rumors: I’m half Polish myself. Even though I never bothered to embrace my heritage and learn the language, there’s absolutely no way that is Polish — and no, I’m not going to look it up.”
Hoping to distract from the criticism, Grisham later revealed his next book series would focus on a gruesome and putrid fictional land called ‘Ohio.’