Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

God Damn It: Cool Sword Just Part of Scenery

Posted on May 19, 2022 by John Dixon

AMERICAN FORK, Utah — Dragon’s War player Kenny Blau was devastated last night when a badass sword actually turned out to be part of the scenery.

“So there I am on a forgotten battlefield, way out on the edge of the map, and right there on top of a hill spotlighted by the sun is the coolest fucking sword I have ever seen,” said Blau, who dreams of being the ‘sickest-looking paladin’ in the game. “But when I go to interact with it, there is no prompt. So I look it up and it’s just window dressing! Like why the fuck would you go to the trouble of making such a cool looking sword and putting it in a prominent place and then not let me pick it up or even have a quest associated with it? Truly psychotic shit.”

Jeremy Billson, lead designer of Dragon’s War, insisted the sword does, in fact, serve a purpose.

“The sword is a callback to the pre-rendered cutscene that plays if you leave the game sitting on the title screen for too long,” Billson said. “It’s kind of a reward for the discerning player. I mean, I guess having the sword itself as an in-game item would be a cool reward, too, but the sense of recognizing a reference is even better. Just because video games are a uniquely interactive medium doesn’t mean that we need to take advantage of that interactivity.”

Bridgette Adams, an ambitious young designer working at the same studio as Billson, shares his views and actually wishes to expand on them in future titles.

“We have been kicking this idea around for a sequel to Dragon’s War where every single sword is decorative,” Adams said. “I know it’s ambitious — no one has ever made an RPG where every single sword is decorative — but we’re gonna be the first.”

At press time, Blau’s day had been further ruined when he entered a new castle area in Dragon’s War adjourned with decorative swords on every wall.

Spider-Man’s Girlfriends Announce Plans to Fall Off a Building Again

Posted on May 19, 2022 by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — The old flames of famous superhero Spider-Man held a press conference this week where they announced future plans to fall off a building again.

“Moving forward, we’ve decided as a group to individually come plummeting from a skyscraper when it’s least convenient,” said Mary Jane, speaking on behalf of Gwen Stacy and Liz Allan. “We feel it best if whatever situation Spider-Man is facing with a mentor or friend turned villain be further complicated by one of us being dropped at the last moment off of a high-rise. Whether this animal-based villain attacked where we work, or took us to the top of a separate building entirely, we just believe it to be within our best interest to fall off a building at the emotional climax of the journey.”

New York City’s own Spider-Man provided his reaction to the perilous announcement.

“I can’t say I’m surprised, it feels like a reasonable way to punctuate our emotional arc,” Spider-Man said. “Usually I like to wait until the last possible moment, when you think there’s no way I’ll have time to save her, and then swoop in and grab her as we share a romantic glance. I fully intend to save her life and leave her unharmed, but, speaking historically, I can’t make any promises. Four for five isn’t bad, though. Cut me some slack, here. You’d think being Spider-Man’s known girlfriend they’d hang out somewhere safe when my nemesis is out destroying the city, but they usually either go to work or school or wherever everyone knows they go to.”

Members of the Sinister Six were disheartened to hear the news from the collective of Spider-Man’s girlfriends.

“It’s just kind of weird for them to spell it out so obviously. Where’s the foreplay? Where’s the tension?” asked elderly crime-fighter Vulture. “I mean we’re still gonna do it, don’t get me wrong. Throwing girlfriends off of buildings is one of our favorite things to do outside of monologuing. I just don’t love how they put it all out in the open like that. Makes it feel like it’s not really our choice, you know? Oh well. At least we can still dangle Aunt May.”

At press time, Andrew Garfield Spider-Man refused to comment.

Newest No Man’s Sky Update Lets You Settle Down in Wisconsin for a Little Bit

Posted on May 19, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

GUILDFORD, England — The latest expansion to the popular space exploration game No Man’s Sky will let you settle down in Wisconsin for a little while, sources have confirmed.

“Oh wow, you just never know what corner of this universe you’ll get to experience next,” said Andre Boone, who’s been playing No Man’s Sky since it was released in 2016. “The last update, Outlaws, let you play as a space smuggler, and before that was Exobiology, which put an emphasis on finding and meeting different aliens, but to go to Wisconsin and walk around the woods and shovel snow out of driveways and just sort of vibe for a while? This might be the best update yet!”

Developers of the game said they’d long wanted to take players to the American Midwest.

“One of the things we got absolutely hammered on when we released was that we’d shown all this cool Wisconsin stuff in the original trailers for the game,” said Sean Murray, co-founder of Hello Games. “And then we launched without a way to go stay in a cabin in Northwest Wisconsin, and the players let us hear it. But we are grateful to everyone that stuck it out with us, and present to you our latest vision: No Man’s Sky: Wisconsin. This one’s been a long time coming.”

The Wisconsin expansion continued No Man’s Sky’s streak of impressing critics with recent updates.

“No Man’s Sky is a case study in how to bounce back when your game misfires at launch,” said Renee Washington, a games journalist. “As much as we bemoan the way modern games wall off content and shake us down, we should remember to applaud the pioneers like Hello Games, who have so unselfishly brought us their stunning 4k portrayal of Wisconsin. Not some tourist bullshit, either. I’m talking hardcore Wisconsin. Where people are waiting for their neighbors to die so they can get their Packers tickets. This is my game of the year”

Hello Games still hasn’t confirmed a release date for the Wisconsin update, but has released a teaser video, showing a cosmonaut wandering away from their crashed ship, holding nothing more than a case of Milwaukee’s Best Ice.

Nintendo Announces Female Characters Will No Longer Be Able to Drive Mario Karts Following Saudi Arabia Investment

Posted on May 19, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Following today’s news that Saudi Arabia now controls 5% of its shares after making a nearly three billion dollar investment, Nintendo has announced that female characters are now banned from driving in Mario Kart 8.

“I know what the assumption here is, and I assure you it isn’t the case,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “This decision has nothing to do with our new ties to Saudi Arabia. Besides, women have been able to drive there for a few years now, so I’m not really sure where people are getting their information from. No, we’ve long been planning on restricting women’s ability to share the roads with the game’s male and lizard drivers since well before we did this deal. That’s just a funny little coincidence!”

Gamers reacted to the news with disappointment and confusion.

“So wait, Princess Peach is still in the game,” asked Melanie Miller, a confused Mario Kart fan. “She’s just unable to drive, make eye contact with the men, expose her wrists or ankles, and she’s been stripped of her sovereignty? What’s the fucking point, even?”

Other Nintendo representatives defended the controversial association with the country known for its extensive history of human rights abuses.

“I know it sounds unpleasant, but this is just the cost of doing business,” said Mel Gipley, an executive at Nintendo. “If this is news to you, please know that Saudi Arabia’s also recently invested in Capcom, EA, Activision, and plenty of others, so it’s getting harder and harder to play games without blood money tied to them. But again, this will not influence our content whatsoever. The day you assassinate and dismember a journalist and face no consequences for it in one of our games, then you’ll have a point! But until that day, I’m afraid they’re merely business partners of ours.”

As of press time, the highly anticipated Metroid Prime 4 had been abruptly canceled.

Female Enemy Only Drops 70% of Gold of Male Variant

Posted on May 18, 2022 by Camden Brazile

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Indie game designers for upcoming indie title Dungeon Quest: Quest for Dungeons implemented a new form of realism into their beta today by coding the game so female enemies only drop 70% of gold than that of their male variants.

“We’re trying for an immersive, real-life experience,” said lead designer Dennis Limerick. “We didn’t want people to have to suspend their disbelief that slaying a medieval peasant woman would yield the same amount of gold as slaying a man. It’s just good game design. Similarly, if the player chooses to play as a female adventurer, they earn much less gold from completing quests, that is, if they even get the quest over a male NPC in the first place. Additionally, many healing items for female characters have a luxury tax on them, and cost a bit more gold.”

A Dungeon Quest player Cecilia Burke commented on the gameplay as a female character.

“As a woman and an adventurer, I have to quest twice as hard for NPC’s to notice me; it’s incredibly realistic,” Burke said. “There’s also a mechanic where sometimes you’ll solve a puzzle, but then another male adventurer will just repeat your solution louder and get all the credit for your idea. I like challenges and all, but clearly playing as a woman is only for seasoned veterans of the game, and if you’re playing as a minority woman, it’s basically impossible.

At press time, we reached out to any female game designers at the company for comment, but there weren’t any.

Ocarina Center Employee Sick of Everyone Playing ‘Zelda’s Lullaby’

Posted on May 17, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

HYRULE VILLAGE — An employee of the local Ocarina Center has reportedly lost his patience for customers playing ‘Zelda’s Lullaby’ on the store’s merchandise.

“Here we go, another day of the same exact bullshit,” said Carl Rivers, as he unlocked the store and opened for the day. “People are gonna come in and get some Ocarina down from the wall that they have no intention of buying, and play the same goddamn song that everyone plays. They don’t even play it well. It’s like, yeah, you’re hitting the right notes, but it’s got no soul the way most of these people play it. I hate this job.”

Customers of the store felt differently, however.

“Hey, tough shit, pal,” said Len Childs, an Ocarina Center customer, as he struggled to remember the progression of the three-note melody. “Don’t wanna hear me shred? Don’t work at Ocarina Center. You’re as bad as the asshole at the bomb store that kicked me out for trying out one of the bombs on the wall right behind him. Everyone around here is so uptight, I swear. Hey, does this sound like ‘Zelda’s Lullaby?’”

Spokespeople for several prominent Ocarina companies defended customers’ right to noodle around on an Ocarina they might never buy.

“Look, this is the closest a lot of these little guys are getting to their big adventurer dreams,” said John Harrington, a representative from Gibson. “They’ll never get the chance to play an Ocarina SG in front of a village absolutely stoked on his presence, giving them a hero’s welcome and all that. So what does it hurt if they play a little make believe in the store on their day off?”

At press time, Childs had reportedly stolen an ocarina after using one to play Minuet of Forest and teleport away from the store, unpurchased items in-hand.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness Is a Sam Raimi’s Greatest Hits Album and We Will Take It

Posted on May 17, 2022 by Joseph Stilwell

Sam Raimi, the director behind the Evil Dead franchise, the original Spider-Man trilogy, and a whole bunch of other wacky film adventures hasn’t made a movie in almost a decade. Hell, he hasn’t made a movie in 13 years if you close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and pretend that Oz the Great and the Powerful doesn’t exist. So for the sake of anyone who doesn’t remember Sam’s greatest hits, let’s quickly run through some of the features that make up a Sam Raimi movie and whether or not they appear in Raimi’s newest film, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:

New York’s Gothic Architecture Being Smashed To Pieces? Check.

Body Horror Blended Seamlessly With Slapstick Comedy? Check.

An Undead Mirror Version of the Hero? Check

Bruce Campbell Cameo That Steals the Show? Check.

Disembodied Spirit Float-Cam? Check.

Brutal Violence & Death for Sympathetic Characters? Check.

Wacky Out-There Fight Scenes Inspired Equally by Looney Tunes and Hong Kong Action Movies? Check.

At this point, we can all agree: If you’ve seen another Sam Raimi movie, you have basically seen Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. Sam is using every little trick he’s ever pulled in every one of his movies and TV shows, with the biggest budget he’s probably going to get, ever. This isn’t even his first movie about an Arrogant Doctor Turned Superhero.

The story opens with a gruesome death in classic Raimi style: a demon rips Dr. Strange’s face open. Of course, it’s not our Dr. Strange — he’s from ANOTHER DIMENSION, and his companion, America Chavez, is hurled into a portal that takes her to a new, strange place.

The all-important New York Fight Scene where Gothic Architecture is smashed to rubble tells us, okay — we love Spider-Man. We are going to get the big soaring hero fights. But that’s one section of the Raimi Catalog. It’s the moment when he rips the Cycloptopus’ eyeball out that announces “Raimi’s back on all counts, baby!”

As we settle in after the opening numbers Raimi hits us again: who’s the big bad villain chasing down America Chavez? Why, it’s a woman driven to evil deeds by the loss of her family. And how does she plan to get that family back? With the help of an evil book that corrupts and destroys anyone who reads it, of course!

The Scarlet Witch then comes to Kamar-Taj for an epic fantasy battle with plenty of casualties. To escape her, Dr. Strange & America Chavez leap into the multiverse, landing in a dimension where Bruce Campbell beats the shit out of himself with his own possessed-hand. They eventually meet the Illuminati, a bunch of Marvel heroes who all hole up in one building together, completely unaware that they’re each about to meet their gruesome deaths in a style that can only be described as “SAW meets Wile E. Coyote”

Raimi’s just getting warmed up and he gives us even more hits, one after the other: an absolutely bonkerballs musical number that involves our hero almost losing himself to the darkness in his own heart. Then he resurrects his aforementioned undead doppelganger, and harnesses the power of a bunch of slapstick skeletons to make the villain see the error of her ways and stop the universe from imploding. Finally, armageddon is averted, and he can return home. Of course, returning to his normal life doesn’t mean the weird shit stops happening, but now — he’s prepared for it.

Hell, Wanda even gets a chance to do the classic Evil Dead first-person camera move as she stalks and possesses an alternate-version of herself in her own home, not to mention a through-the-tunnels horror sequence that feels like the first time the MCU has let a director briefly try a genre out other than “quippy comedy.”

Of course, there are a few Raimi Originals that didn’t make the cut: like others have pointed out, Marvel movies are never horny. Raimi’s definitely not afraid of making his movies a little naughty — Spider-Man had that upside-down kiss — but even Kirsten Dunst in a wet dress seems too racy for the House of Mouse. Disney’s never going to change the fact that Raimi did a tree rape scene in his breakout hit (and you can find that link yourself, weirdo), but they can pretend like it never happened!

Even still, with Doctor Strange 2: Dimension Boogaloo, Raimi gives us the whole spectrum of his catalog: action, humor, and triumph; but also nausea, terror, and titillation. He gives us exactly what we want, waits for us to go “Oh shit! He did the thing!” then he’s on to the next one, and the next one. Finally, for an encore, he comes back, replays his biggest crowd-pleaser, and audiences eat it up!

Yes, we have all heard these songs before. Yes, this is a shameless repackaging of the most memorable moments of Raimi’s career. Yes, the producer sanded off the edges and rough stuff to make the product more marketable. But you know what? Sometimes you don’t want to hear a new one. Sometimes you just want a motherfucker to play the hits. And frankly, Sam Raimi’s hits are all bangers. Sam Raimi’s hits are instant classics. Sam Raimi’s hits are so good you sing along even if you don’t know the words.

So we say: Play It Again, Sam!

Congress Blames Baby Formula Shortage on Violent Video Games

Posted on May 16, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — Many members of the United States Congress have publicly blamed what they see as the clear cause of the nation’s ongoing baby formula shortage: violent video games.

“It’s pretty obvious when you think about it,” said Senator John Cornyn (R-TX) on Fox News recently. “When you see how realistic these video games have gotten, they’re clearly a bad influence on our youth, and their morals and values are going straight down the drain. These violent video games are giving people the idea that it’s okay to, uh… not …stock enough baby formula. Mm-hmm. Think about it, we never had a baby formula shortage before video games, did we? I think we can all see who’s to blame here. It’s video games. Yet again. I’m just as mad about it as you are.”

When pressed for specific information regarding the correlation between the two matters, Cornyn abruptly exited the interview. Viewers of the segment were left mostly unconvinced.

“Still with the video games, huh?” Jenny Elkins, a longtime gamer. “If there were some video game that explicitly caused a borderline monopoly to exist on an essential household product that left it in no way equipped to handle recent global events, I’d say let’s blame that video game. But I don’t think that game exists. Maybe it’s time we had video game lobbyists so politicians can become convinced they’re worthwhile after all.”

Gaming parents all over the country disagreed with the allegation as well.

“Honestly, I resent the notion that video games have anything to do with the fact that the formula industry cannot keep up with the demand of parents across America,” said Emma Chalmers, a gamer and parent of three. “It’s just such a decades-old braindead reaction to any problem that could really use some constructive thought. The only thing my child’s formula has in common with a PlayStation is I can’t find either one of them on the shelves right now, so what in the hell are they even talking about?”

As of press time, Congress had also blamed inflation, gas prices, civil unrest, and the day’s rainy weather on the video game industry.

New Pokémon Game Gives You 10 Pokébucks to Spend in Real Life Pokéstore for Every Hour of Manual Pokélabor You Perform

Posted on May 16, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — Following new announcements about a set of Pokémon mobile games, Nintendo announced in a Direct today that they are working on a new game in the franchise called Pokémon Job.

“Pokémon Go gets you outdoors, Pokémon Sleep gets you in bed, and Pokémon Smile gets you brushing your teeth. Well we are excited to finally introduce the game that’s going to get you working: Pokémon Job,” said Game Freak founder Satoshi Tajiri in the Nintendo Direct. “Pokémon Job is an exciting new chapter in the journey of would-be trainers! When you log into the game, first you will pick a starter Pokémon. You will choose between either the water Pokémon Totodile, the fire Pokémon Chimchar or the grass Pokémon Chespin. Then, you will be assigned to a real life Pokémon Center where you will work manufacturing computer chips for Nintendo Switches on an assembly line for 12 hours a day.”

Tajiri continued, explaining all of the new features that will be available to Pokémon fans in the upcoming game.

“We are so excited for trainers to explore the magical world of the factories that they live near,” Tajiri continued. “For each hour you play Pokémon Job, you will earn 10 Pokébucks. Players will be able to spend these Pokébucks to purchase new outfits for their in-game avatars in Pokémon Job, as well as stickers for their in-game homes, which feature up to 150 different Pokémon from the various generations. Pokébucks can also be spent at real life Pokéstores in exchange for food that can be eaten in order to stay alive. Then it’s Pokémon Go on the walk home, Pokémon Smile in the bathroom, and right to Pokémon Sleep!”

Following the announcement, however, longtime fans of the series expressed concern over the potential for the new game to take advantage and abuse players.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! We need to BOYCOTT THIS GAME. This should be fucking ILLEGAL,” said a comment on Reddit with over 20,000 upvotes. “There is absolutely NO FUCKING WAY they should be allowed to release a game that only lets you collect 150 different Pokémon stickers. GIVE US ALL THE POKEMON FROM ALL THE GAMES.”

New Tarantino Movie Ends With Tarantino Thanking All His Patreon Subscribers

Posted on May 16, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — A new film by Quentin Tarantino reportedly ends with director Quentin Tarantino thanking everyone who subscribed to his Patreon channel, according to those close to the production.

“I’ve seen the latest cut of Tarantino’s new film, The Lone Gunman. It’s interesting, I guess — apparently it’s supposed to be an homage to Lithuanian movies of the 1930s. That’s not the weird part, though. The weird thing is that when the credits start to roll, the screen quickly shrinks and moves to the top right corner of the screen. Then, as the credits go on silently, it’s just Quentin for thirty minutes, talking directly into camera, and thanking thousands and thousands of people by name who subscribed to his Patreon for $100 a month,” said an anonymous source who posted about the film on Reddit. “At first I thought the movie was still going and he was listing off all the people he was gonna kill or something, you know, because Tarantino movies are so violent and crazy. But then it just ended.”

Comments on the Reddit post were surprised to hear about the ending of Tarantino’s new film.

“Wait what? I thought Patreon was a thing for YouTubers. Has the film industry gotten so bleak that Tarantino can’t finance a movie without a few hundred thousand online subscribers? I don’t know if this is Disney’s fault or Quentin’s fault, but it’s weird and sad to hear about,” said one commenter. “I’ll probably wait until it’s out on HBO Max to watch it, anyway.”

“Uh, do people not know about this? Of course he does. I’ve seen like fifty or sixty versions of the movie already myself over the last few years of production. It’s the $10 reward on his Patreon for his fans,” said another commenter.

When asked to comment, Tarantino said that he didn’t find the ending weird at all.

“Looking to support my work? Patreon is the best way. Head to Patreon dot com slash Quentin Tarantino for all the behind-the-scenes access to my work that you crave!” Tarantino said. “And a huge thank you to all the Taranteens and Grateful Mates out there who have subscribed. I couldn’t make top-tier films without you; you have enabled me to quit my job as a studio-backed filmmaker and begin my new career as a self-financed filmmaker and I want to give you a big ole shout out for that.”

At press time, Tarantino was forced to put his new film on hold after Patreon removed his account for saying the n-word several times in a recent update.

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