Trek to Yomi Is a Fantastic Homage to the Black and White Video Games of the 1950s

Posted on May 16, 2022 by Aaron Weerasinghe

Unlike with film, you don’t see too many black and white video games anymore. Sure, many games have monochromatic filter options, but technological advances have encouraged developers to pursue colors no gamer has ever seen before. Enter Trek to Yomi, from Devolver Digital. You play as the young samurai Hiroki who is honorbound to protect his town. This lush, cinematic, and bloody game wears its influences on its sleeves. It was clear from the launch trailer alone that Flying Wild Hog is drawing inspiration from the classic black and white video games of the 1950s.

Those familiar with the history of video games are probably well aware that the 1950s constituted a so-called “Golden Age” of gaming; however, despite the abundance of culturally significant games the era produced, it is often overshadowed by the games of the ’90s. Some of the most popular games of all time owe a profound debt to this time period where color was considered a luxury. How can we forget that the side-scroller, a format we take for granted, was invented by Nintendo’s Ryunosuke Mori in his 1950 magnum opus The Kingdom of Mushrooms? The monochrome aesthetic recalls an era of game development that paved the way for the 8Bit Age while adding a sense of theatricality and timelessness. Trek to Yomi’s return to the simple, honest art of 1950s game development is, frankly, a breath of fresh air.

The highly cinematic approach is clearly inspired by From Software’s Demon’s Souls. I am, of course, referring to the original 1952 Demon’s Souls, not the subsequent 2009 and 2020 remakes. Flying Wild Hog draws from plenty of other classics too, from Team Ico’s The First Guardian (1949) to Pong: Revelations (1955). And while these homages are fun, the true joy of Trek to Yomi is how it updates Golden Age games for a modern gaming experience.

Trek to Yomi’s stylish and deceptively tactical combat has players stringing together stance changes, parries, and blade skills. The side-scrolling, hack-and-slash gameplay will remind gamers of early Devolver Digital games such as Katana Null (1951). The union of style and mechanics makes Trek to Yomi feel less like something you’re watching on a screen and more of an immersive experience, recalling the days when gamers had to yell out command inputs for actors to execute in real time. The ranged weapon and ammo mechanics even bring to mind Call of Duty: Balkan Warfare 2, which, while critically panned, has in recent years seen appreciation for its unflinching look at the second Balkan War. Thankfully, you don’t need to rent a theater troupe and live orchestra to enjoy this tale of honor and bloodshed. A controller and console will suffice.

Ultimately, both diehard Golden Age aficionados and casual gamers alike are sure to enjoy this reverent tribute to 1950s video games. I hope everyone who enjoys Trek to Yomi will be inspired to check out the actual retro games that paved the way for (I’m looking at you Earthbound fans.)

This review is sponsored by Devolver Digital. That’s right: all of your worst fears about video game reviews being paid for are accurate. The world is crumbling around you. There’s no hope for the video game journalism industry anymore… except… is that a light? Yes… yes! You can wash away your fears and misery by exploring the beautiful Kurosawa-inspired world of Trek to Yomi! Have fun, gamers!

My Homemade PlayStation 5 Might Not Play All the Games, But At Least My Wait Is Over

Posted on May 16, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

Finally! At long last! I’ve been waiting since they came out in 2020, and finally, my PlayStation 5 has arrived.

Well, not so much arrived, as I’ve had trouble getting my hands on proper ones ever since they were released 18 months ago, despite my constant efforts, but the last few components I needed for my homemade PlayStation 5 are here. That’s what I’m celebrating. Still, try not to be too jealous.

Okay, so first things first: No, this is in no way an officially sanctioned PlayStation 5. But who cares? I got the idea when my neighbor was telling me about how he was going to rebuild some old car in his garage. Fuck you Sony, I’m gonna build my own. I tried it your way, I tried to get it straight up, but to no avail.

Have you ever heard that Johnny Cash song, “One Piece At A Time?” It’s about a guy stealing a car from the factory he works at piece by piece and putting it together at home. It’s really good.

That’s right, I’ve One Piece’d At A Time’d my very own PlayStation 5.

The problem is that I don’t work in a PlayStation factory, however. So, it wasn’t going to be the exact same thing as the Johnny Cash song I based my plan on. So I gathered what I felt I needed to make my own PlayStation 5 from various thrift stores and garage sales over the last month or so.

Laugh all you want, but do you want to know something? This thing 100% will work. In theory. It might not have every port and “ability to play sound,” that a real one would, but it’s gonna be in my home, which puts it a notch or two above the real one, if you ask me.

I could easily keep listing things that the official PlayStation 5 has that mine won’t (HDMI, online access, no exposed wires, lack of razor sharp edges), but instead, how about I list everything that mine CAN do? (Again, in theory. I gotta get this fucker running first. But these blueprints I made myself look pretty good, honestly.)

For starters, how about backwards compatibility? How about playing old Playstation 1 and 2 games? How about emulating a few of them at a time? What am I talking about? Oh, I don’t know, how about TWO different disc drives, each capable of playing any game from either PlayStations one through two! Hell, there’s even a disc drive in the middle that will play PS1 games exclusively.

Oh, and there’s no wireless support for controllers, sadly, but do you know what there is? Six controller ports! That’s right, six! Fuck you, N64. I did six.

Struggling Item Shop Considers Adding Fourth Thing for Sale

Posted on May 14, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

BELANTARA — A struggling mom and pop item shop is considering dismantling a longstanding tradition and adding a fourth item to their available inventory to try and increase revenue, local sources have confirmed.

“My grandfather’s rolling in his grave right now,” said Maxon Underhall, one of the co-owners of The Belentara Item Shop. “This place has been open for over a hundred years, and we’ve never had to sell anything more than health potions, bombs, and some arrows. Makes me sick that we’re thinking of putting a shield up on the counter for sale. On top of going against everything we stand for, it sure feels like I’m stepping on the toes of the weapon shop across town.”

Despite his hesitancy, Maxon’s wife and co-owner of the shop, Wendy, insisted that they must do anything they could in order to survive life in Belantara.

“Hey, we have to do what we can, especially in a place like this,” she said. “I mean, this town is crazy. At night the skeletons break out of their caskets and roam the streets. Did he tell you about his grandfather? I just want to save up enough money so we can get out of here one day. If that means selling a big ass shield instead of nickel and diming people for potions, then I’m sorry if that upsets you, but there’s more important things going on.”

Townsfolk were mostly indifferent to what the shop did.

“Honestly, who the hell wants to buy a giant shield?” asked a local villager. “I’m a farmer, and the only other people that live here just own the various shops across town. Doesn’t bother me one bit if they want to try, though. It’s bound to go about as well as the Planet Fitness they put in here last year. Place didn’t last a month.”

As of press time, the fledgling item shop was also thinking about adding some sort of shooting range game in the back room, once they got the paperwork figured out.

RANKED: The Top 5 Jokes About Mario’s Genitals We’ve Made

Posted on May 14, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

Everybody loves a list, right? They’re objectively meaningless at best and absolutely self-serving and pedantic at worst, yet I spend more time reading “Best Game Boy Advance Games of All Time” lists than I do actually playing through old handheld classics of yesteryear (that I swear I’ve legally obtained in whatever way Nintendo would like me to). So with that, when I awoke in a cold sweat this morning wondering how I would feed the merciless content grinder that we have hitched our family’s livelihoods to, I had a nifty little idea: I should write a stinkin’ list!

However, we here at Hard Drive are buckets of immature filth with fifth grade senses of humor, so the best I can really muster up is this definitive ranking of Every Joke About Mario’s Genitals Hard Drive Has Ever Made.

Enjoy!

Hmm. That really doesn’t feel like the right word for what I’m about to do here.

#5 — Nintendo Confirms That Viral Tweet Depicting Mario Banging Out Toad Is Not Canon

This was a bad thought I had that turned into a cursed pitch that is now this godforsaken article. I have nothing to say for myself, and I’m sorry for everything. Kinda funny though.

#4 — Sonic and Mario Olympic Games Also Hotbed for Sex Between Athletes

This one isn’t so much about Mario’s genitals specifically as it is a scathing indictment of the debauchery that takes place when you get all of these perverted video game stars together. Features a shockingly specific list of individual sex acts! (Low on the list due to the lack of focus on Mario’s genitals specifically).

#3 — Sexual Tension Grows Between Mario Kart Live and Roomba

This counts, right? I’m gonna count this one. I’m prettty sure Mario fucks a Roomba at the end of this one. I’m counting it.

#2 — This Is What Mario Would Look Like Without His Pubic Hair

This one seems shockingly weird out of the context of the nipple controversy surrounding Super Mario Odyssey, but basically, someone photoshopped Mario without his mustache hair and it looked weird. Like sure, my man must shave sometimes, but I just don’t want to think about it, you know? It’s like seeing the Ninja Turtles take a shit.

This one works so well because not only did the joke effectively satirize and escalate the topical situation in which it was skewering, it also gave us three different uncensored pics of Mario’s dong in various stages of his life. We’ve been repurposing this stuff for years. One of our editors got sued by Nintendo over this, but we just said he died and have been paying him under the table ever since. Nice try, Nintendo!

#1 —This is our 1,000th tweet. Thanks for everything

This is my personal favorite. It’s perfect. Look at his crooked little pecker. (check the replies for some surprises!)

Honorable mention: Nintendo Confirms Waluigi is Uncircumcised for Some Reason

This is the one that made us. That changed everything. Our “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” We’re the fuckin’ best, huh?

Amazing: Speedrunner Beats Elden Ring on Steam Deck Before Battery Dies

Posted on May 13, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

LONDON — The speedrunning community has cleared the latest hurdle in the RPG phenomenon Elden Ring: a player has somehow finished the game on a Steam Deck before its battery died.

“Wow, talk about things we assumed were impossible,” said Alan Maltin, who follows the young Elden Ring speedrunning scene very closely. “You figure people are going to find shortcuts and zip glitches and all of that stuff to get some pretty incredible times, but I didn’t realize players would figure this out so quickly. It’s the four minute mile of gaming.”

The run began when new world champion Lloyd Stack unplugged his Steam Deck and started the campaign, which lasted just 93 minutes, and saw him narrowly beat the game just before the handheld system’s battery was fully depleted.

“That was closer than I would’ve liked,” said Stack, the new ‘Elden Ring Any% Unplugged Steam Deck’ record holder. “But I knew I had a good chance when I was fighting Sir Gideon Ofnir and my low battery warning hadn’t come on yet. That’s when I knew I had a shot at actually pulling it off!”

Valve said that they knew the Steam Deck would prove popular with masochistic gamers.

“We really thought the Steam Deck would be popular with the modding and speedrunning communities, and this just proves it,” says Gabe Newell, President of Valve. “In hindsight, our promise of gaming on the go maybe should’ve involved the caveat that you’re not doing that much going, or that much gaming. But gamers are smart — they not only figured it out, they incorporated this thing’s shortcomings into its newest and most appealing challenge. Works for us!”

As of press time, Stack indicated that he would next set his sights on watching a single cutscene from Metal Gear Solid 4 before his Steam Deck died.

Microsoft Announces They Moved Activision-Blizzard Offices to International Waters

Posted on May 13, 2022 by Camden Brazile

INTERNATIONAL WATERS — Tech giant Microsoft announced that after their colossal purchase of Activision Blizzard, they have moved the company headquarters to the middle of international waters.

“We understand and acknowledge that Activision-Blizzard has had some controversy, and we want to rectify that immediately,” Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said. “With their new office upgrade, everything they have allegedly done is now completely legal. Ethics are very important to us, so we wanted to make sure to set Activision-Blizzard up for success in an environment they feel comfortable in, specifically a lawless territory where depraved and sinister behavior is commonplace. If expansion goes as planned, we even hope to open another Activision-Blizzard office in Iraq.”

Microsoft customers have already taken notice of the company’s new progressive decision.

“I only like to support good companies, so I’m really glad Microsoft is clearly taking steps to make sure Activision’s and Blizzard’s behavior is technically not illegal,” said customer Kenny Ballinger. “I was appalled by Activision-Blizzard’s horribly toxic workplace, but as long as I can’t physically see it, I’m fine with just pretending it doesn’t exist. Plus, maybe we’ll actually get some quality of life updates to their games if they aren’t constantly bogged down by lawsuits and harassment trials.”

While Activision-Blizzard employees were initially surprised, many are beginning to come around to the new workspace.

“I was apprehensive, but when I saw my four-maiden signing bonus, I changed my tune,” Blizzard executive Michael Stone said. “We’re all paid exclusively in maidens and ale, which we used to have to bring from home at the last office. It’s not all benefits though. I’m still in the hazing period where I have to show up to work sober for the first two weeks.”

At press time, Activision-Blizzard sources noted that they were also going to address some controversy by changing Bobby Kotec’s name to Cassidy.

Activision-Blizzard Announces New Tool to Let Players Measure the Craniums of Characters

Posted on May 13, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision-Blizzard has announced a new tool for their video games that will allow players to measure the skulls of their characters, according to a new blog post.

“We are extremely committed to introducing diversity to our games, and we know that people of all different races and ethnicities are special for all sorts of reasons. That’s why we are excited for our new skull-measuring feature that will allow players to assess each character’s race-based stats for themselves,” reads the Activision-Blizzard blog post about the innovative new tool. “We want gamers to be able to see themselves in these characters instead of just the same group of boring white guys — because, as we all know, being white guys gives them specific abilities and attributes that are inherent to them biologically. Right? Man, it feels so good to be the good guys for once. Activision-Blizzard is looking up!”

According to the company, this is only the first in a series of developments coming to all Activision-Blizzard games.

“And we are 100% sure we know what you’re thinking: this cranium measurement tool doesn’t go far enough to add diversity to the game. You’re right,” the blog continues. “That’s why we’re also excited to announce that we are going to be adding tools that lets players assess all sorts of diversity attributes of our players. You’re going to be able to push characters onto the ground to see how abled they are, you’re going to be able to call in a carnival guy to determine character’s weights, and you’re going to be able to force characters to sit on a chair weirdly to determine if they’re bisexual. I read about that last on Tumblr. Who knew there’s so many cool diversity stats out there?”

At press time, Activision-Blizzard revealed that the new tool had been created by a new mustachioed developer named Lobby Brotick.

Grow Up: Only Children Play Video Games. Real Adults Pay Twitch Streamers to Play Games for Us

Posted on May 12, 2022 by Sophie Lee

Alright children, it’s time we had a tough conversation. You’re not going to like hearing this, but I assure you as a parent and veteran gamer there’s a tough truth you have to hear, and I’d rather you hear it from me than anyone else.

Video games are for children. You’re getting older now, and soon you’ll have to go and get jobs. And then you can use that money to pay a streamer to do some gaming for you. Understand? Welcome to the grown up world, kiddos.

Now, I knew you’d be upset, that’s why I wanted to warn you now, when you still had a few good years left. You won’t have to just pull the plug one day. No, gaming just sort of slowly winds its way out of your life. You won’t realize it, but one day you’ll find yourself retweeting a game trailer or getting mad about someone’s opinion about a Fallout game and it’ll hit you; I haven’t played a video game in months.

Adults don’t have the time to play video games. What they do have is an endless amount of screens that things can be apathetically viewed in the brief moments between obligations. So think long and hard about the games you’d like to play yourself, because pretty soon, you’re going to be at the mercy of whatever your favorite streamer is playing. And god help you if they get stuck on some popular thing you don’t like. But hey, no one ever said being an adult was going to be easy, right?

What’s what? Why don’t you use the money you make to buy a system of your own? And some games? I don’t know, why don’t you take the water bill money down to the local candy store and spend it all on Whatchamacallits! Because that’s not the way the world works, that’s why!

Do you have half a grand to spend on a modern gaming system? Well great, because if you’re a homeowner, you almost certainly could spend that money on a much needed improvement or fix to your home. Same goes for your car. I’d love to have played Returnal by now, children, I really would. But remember when you wanted to feed the car soda? That was daddy’s last hope of ever playing something that came out past 2015. It’ll happen to you.

So yeah, it’s hard as an adult to justify spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a childish hobby. You’ve got to do the grown up thing. Support some independent businesses. Subscribe to some Patreons and forget about them until they go through every month. Hire some gamers to game for you. It’s that or nothing, kid.

Opinion: Time Flies When You’re Having Fun or Playing a Magical Time-Altering Ocarina

Posted on May 12, 2022 by Stephen Bell

We often take for granted the time that we have on this planet. At the end of the day, we may find ourselves reflecting somberly on whether or not our time was well spent or if we wasted our focus on trifling matters. Ultimately, having fun is what makes life worth living, and it’s true what they say: time really does fly when you’re having fun. This is also applicable if you happen to play the Song of Time on a magical ocarina like I did, which immediately turned me into an old man.

When you’re young, you can set out on any adventure you want and watch the world unfold before you. Life feels like an endless sea of possibilities. Although, I would generally recommend staying away from the literal sea, especially if you enjoy playing the Song of Storms on your aforementioned magical ocarina. Trust me, that’s a bad idea. Before you know it, your boat will be struck by lightning and you’ll be marooned on some island that’s actually just some giant fish’s dream. We’ve all experienced disappointments like those in our lives. Perhaps free will is also just some giant fish’s dream, and destiny pulls us we’re supposed to go at its whim. That would certainly explain my current predicament suddenly becoming an old man!

Reflecting now at the end of my magically-accelerated life, I get to wondering: do we value the journey, or the end goal? Is it the challenges of overcoming the boss of each dungeon that ultimately excites us, or is it finally collecting that last magical pearl, elemental essence, or fused shadow that had previously escaped us? Would we feel happier if we could somehow go back and do it all again with the knowledge we’ve gained in adulthood? Keep in mind that although I’m mostly speaking metaphorically, I will literally be able to go back to childhood by playing the Song of Time again whenever I choose. Once I do, I’ll be sure to report back here.

But look at me, rambling on like I have all the time in the world! Sometimes I wish we could just slow things down in life and really enjoy them. All of us, I mean. Of course I can already do that by playing the Inverted Song of Time which slows things down to half speed, but I mean “we” as a human race. I guess what I’m saying is you’ve really gotta get one of these magical time-altering ocarinas. They’re really something!

Apple Adds Complaining Gamer Emoji

Posted on May 12, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple has announced its latest wave of new emojis and they include one long-requested: a gamer complaining about something.

“Just when we think we’ve got every seemingly common occurrence portrayed in our signature emoji collection, the people let us know about a glaring omission,” said Tim Cook, chief executive officer of Apple. “After this latest iOS update, users will be happy to know they can now find an emoji of a furious gamer. A long press will choose if he is complaining about something related to PC, mobile, or console.”

Outspoken gamers were ecstatic about the news but still weirdly hostile about it.

“About time those assholes did something right,” said Clark Heinrich, an angry gamer. “I am honestly excited to use the emoji to denote which times I am being serious and what times I’m just goofing around online. So I’ll probably be using it a lot, in fact.”

The new emoji joins a dozen others, and have been met enthusiastically by non-gamers as well.

“Oh, that’s an angry gamer?” said Tabitha Welker, a local mother of three. “I mistook it for someone doing serious work on the computer. I’d been using it when I talked about staying late at the office or racking up some overtime on my check. But, you’re telling me it’s for people who are mad about video games? Like Pac-Man and stuff? That’s pretty weird.”

As of press time, gamers had grown angry about the emoji.