Warner Brothers Announces Larry David as MultiVersus DLC Fighter

Posted on by Kevin Podas

LOS ANGELES — Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment, in collaboration with developer Player First Games, announced the first round of DLC characters for their fighting game MultiVersus, starting with the first addition to the roster, comedian Larry David from the HBO comedy series Curb Your Enthusiasm.

“We here at Player First Games want to do right by fans of the original properties our characters come from,” director Tony Huynh said during a recent Warner Brothers Direct. “Ever since the announcement of MultiVersus, fans have been practically begging for Larry David’s inclusion to the roster. Soon, you’ll be able to defeat Tom and Jerry, Batman, and Steven Universe using Mr. David’s unique moveset of sarcastic one-liners, shrugs, and swooping hand gestures. We’re very excited, especially, for Larry’s special moves, which include things like disrespecting wood, staring people down in the face, and having sex with beautiful women several decades younger than him.”

Following the reveal, many gamers expressed excitement and glee across the internet, some even recording their live reactions.

“Is that… no… it can’t be… no, no, no FUCKING way! They actually did it, they added Larry David, the crazy bastards!” one Twitch streamer screamed during a live broadcast of the trailer, in which Larry David stepped out of the shadows as the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music begins to play. “Hooooly shit. Holy shit. Larry fucking David. Larry FUCKING David is a playable fighter in MultiVersus. No fucking way. They always said he was too tall to be in the game, but they fucking pulled it off!”

While reaction to Larry David’s addition were mostly positive, some gamers expressed varying levels of skepticism.

 “I mean, sure it’s kind of an oddball inclusion and I get that’s the fun of it — but at what point do these wacky crossovers not begin to feel like shameless cash grabs?” another streamer said, somewhat disappointedly after live-reacting to the Warner Brothers Direct. “I think it’s kind of fucked up that they would add an old guy to the roster before the Ice King from Adventure Time. At the very least, there should be an Ice King costume DLC for Larry so I can pretend. I just wish these big companies would listen to all of my great ideas.”

At press time, fans have suddenly begun to debate whether or not Warner Brothers and NBC would ever agree to allow George Costanza from Seinfeld to appear in MultiVersus as Larry David echo fighter.

Zoo Employees Unionize and Present List of Demands to Tycoon Who Keeps Letting Them Get Mauled by Animals

Posted on by Spencer Roth-Rose

WASHINGTON — After years of tending to the animals and making poorly programmed rounds at Spencer’s Radical Zoo, zookeepers have unionized and decided to bring forth their concerns with the zoo owners’ employment practices. 

Below is a list of demands that employees have sent to the tycoon who keeps letting them get mauled by various zoo animals.

  1. Higher wages. We’ve been earning $800/month since 2001, which simply isn’t fair for a full-time job of raking animals’ poo, healing them when they’re sick, and making little green smiley bubbles float up from their heads every time we enter their cages.

  2. More staff to share the workload. For example, a single zookeeper is currently in charge of the chimpanzees, the elephants, the bison, the white rhinos, the black rhinos, the two male leopards, the empty exhibit where the last remaining grizzly bear died 18 months ago but you haven’t noticed, and the crocodiles. Given that each female animal gives birth once every ten minutes, the workload adds up.

  3. Stop giving us all silly names. Take Anthony and Denise, two outstanding zookeepers. They don’t appreciate that everyone here knows them as “Dr. Zoo-little” and “Zoo-zen Sarandon.” A little respect goes a long way. One of our comrades is forced to be called “Cum.” Just Cum. It’s ridiculous and juvenile.
  4. Increased diversity. Try hiring zookeepers who don’t share the exact same skin color, hair color, eye color, height, weight, disconcertingly robotic gait, and facial features.

  5. A permanent freeze on the inhumane practice of letting out all the animals to terrorize the guests, and then reverting back time to the point just before you let it happen. Do you think we can’t remember? Just because you’re some kind of timelord doesn’t mean we don’t all suddenly forget what we just saw go down between Lion 15 and the little boy with the cotton candy. At least hire an on-staff trauma psychologist, for Christ’s sake. Cum keeps getting torn apart by lions.

  6. Release the mermaid that you’re keeping inside of the zoo. She’s a person! At least half. Every day she sits on the single rock you gave her and sings her sad song of woe, of beautiful cities under the waves that she longs to return to. It’s honestly so fucked up.

  7. Build a restaurant that isn’t Mexican-themed. For the love of god, those enchiladas are really getting old.

Video Game Studio Has Great Idea to Also Make Breath of the Wild

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

REDMOND, Wash. — Video game studio Parakalo announced that their upcoming release, Divine Infinite Ultimata, was inspired by their idea to make Nintendo’s Breath of the Wild.

“Coming up with an idea for a video game is incredibly difficult; we played a lot of different genres to get a feel for what we wanted to do with ours. But when I was playing through Breath of the Wild, I was struck with inspiration: what if we just make a slightly uglier version of this exact game? It was a revolutionary idea,” said Divine Infinite Ultimata director Brandon-Lee Fuller. “Taking all the mechanics and art style of Breath of the Wild, but making the protagonist a guy wearing more clothes? It’s never been done before. That’s why we’re so excited about what we’re doing here. I hope fans have fun cooking, climbing, and killing goblin-like creatures all over the wonderful landscape we’ve created for them. But with microtransactions or something.”

Despite the influence, some developers at Parakalo have denied that the game is “literally just us doing Breath of the Wild but changing some of the characters.”

“I don’t think it’s fair to say that we’re doing an exact copy of Breath of the Wild. Open world games have existed for a very long time,” said developer Isabella-Rose Beck. “And our game improves on that formula by having things like towers you can climb to unlock new areas of your map, the ability to climb any rock that you see, a gliding mechanic, cooking, a stamina bar, mini temples all the around the map that each have one puzzle or skill challenge, these cool little enemies called koboblins, weapon durability, and Zelda. Did Breath of the Wild do any of that? They did? OK then yeah, actually, we are making Breath of the Wild. But that’s still a really good idea, that game fuckin rules.”

At press time, Nintendo released a new trailer for Breath of the Wild 2, which fans quickly dismissed as derivative of Divine Infinite Ultimata.

Gentlemanly Speedrunner Slows Down ‘Super Metroid’ Run So Samus Doesn’t Have to Take Off Her Suit If She Doesn’t Want To

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local speedrunner and distinguished gentleman Jonathan Rudgers has sparked controversy for deliberately slowing down a WR-pace Super Metroid run so that Samus wouldn’t have to take off her suit in the victory screen if she didn’t want to.

“I love Super Metroid. It’s incredibly replayable and ahead of its time for both tight game design and atmosphere,” reported Rudgers. “But it’s really messed up that the player is rewarded with Samus in a bikini if they beat the game in under 3 hours. Did anyone ever ask Samus whether she agreed and consented to this sick stunt? It’s messed up, and I don’t want to be a part of a scene like that.”

Rudgers’ statements follow his controversial decision to willingly put the controller down and idling just long enough to be in range of the “fair ending” completion time where Samus thanks the player while fully clothed with her helmet still on. 

“I’ll put down my SNES controller and leave a timer on so that I can beat the game just a few seconds after the three hour mark,” Rudgers explained, his voice rising in volume to overcome the sound of the horny, frustrated crowd furiously booing him. “It’s not a huge loss to me. I mean, I do want to beat the game in the fastest time possible, but I don’t want Samus’ body to be the prize for doing that. If she wants to wear that, then that would be cool, but I can’t buy the idea that a bunch of middle-aged developers at Nintendo had that kind of presence of mind in 1994.”

Members of the speedrunning community revealed that this kind of polarizing selflessness isn’t uncommon for Rudgers, and that he goes to great lengths to make game characters feel comfortable during his speedruns.

“There was that time where he ruined a Pac-Man killscreen run because he thought it was unfair to force Pac-Man to eat all of those pellets,” said Roger Frakes, a former speedrunner friend of Rudgers. “He got thrown out of the event to avoid stirring up a mob just because he didn’t want Pac-Man to overeat.” 

At press time, Rudgers used his shoutout time at the end of his speedrun to advertise an upcoming Dead or Alive Xtreme Volleyball stream he was planning using a mod that changes all of the characters’ outfits to regulation Olympic volleyball gear. 

Review: ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’ Is Packed With Thrilling Surprises If You Haven’t Used the Internet a Single Time Since 2020

Posted on by Connor McGarry

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is known for heartrending, multi-movie story arcs and shocking plot twists hidden in bonus scenes. As such, Spider-Man: No Way Home is a spectacle filled with the kind of exciting twists and surprises that will shock any viewer, assuming, of course, that they have not been on the internet to witness the constant deluge of info regarding the film over the past two years. 

No Way Home picks up exactly where its predecessor, Spider-Man: Far From Home, left off, following the events of the shocking mid-credits scene where — SPOILERS, apparently, to some people — J. Jonah Jameson returns and unmasks Spider-Man as Peter Parker to the public, while he struggles to battle new foes alongside old friends. But in another supposedly “shocking” twist revealed in every single trailer for the film, some of these new foes are actually not new at all. Sorry, is that all too much of a teaser for you already? This must be your first visit to the internet in at least 24 months, because you can’t even fucking open up your phone without seeing a still of Alfred Molina in that latest No Way Home trailer.

Tom Holland’s Peter Parker isn’t alone in the fight, however. As everyone with a Twitter account already deeply knows, Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield reprise their roles as Spider-Men from the alternate universes of their films in No Way Home. If this is coming as a surprise to you, I truly pity you. At first, I found your indifference to recent pop culture goings-on admirable, but now I see that culture has simply passed you by. It doesn’t matter if you’re surprised by the plot details in this movie or not; the world has already moved on. 

Sure, you get to witness the magic of seeing all three Spider-Men on screen together without knowing at all that the movie even entered into different universes — something I genuinely cannot imagine experiencing — but at what cost? 

If you’re a luddite who has managed to insulate yourself from spoilers for this movie, chances are you have friends who are even more dead to the world than you are. If that’s the case, you should round them all up and go have a great time at the movies. But you’d better hurry, because even though you can avoid spoilers on the internet for now, soon Tom Holland will be appearing on every daytime and late night talk show over the next week to personally spoil the entire plot of the movie to the entire nation scene by scene.

Resident Evil Creator Reveals He Got Idea for Game After Opening Door

Posted on by Jacques Mouledoux

OSAKA, Japan  — Resident Evil creator Shinji Mikami revealed today that the key inspiration for the survival horror franchise was a door that he opened up in his kitchen one day. 

“People always ask me if my work was inspired by George Romero or Alone in the Dark,” explained Mikami. “And while those things were clearly influential on what we ended up putting out, I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you where it all started. I woke up in the middle of the night one time, and as I approached the kitchen door, I stood there for about a minute, just wondering what might be on the other side of it. Zombie dogs? A police force slowly being consumed by the evil within a house? It ended up just being my kitchen, but staring at that door for a minute in the middle of the night definitely planted the seeds for the franchise we all know and love today.”

Fans of the series were surprised to know that the inspiration for it all stemmed from such an ordinary object and not something more sinister.

“Wow, I would’ve thought he saw some decomposing roadkill or at the very least had a fever dream about a flesh eating pandemic or something,” said Alan Judith, a longtime fan of the franchise. “But I guess it was just his kitchen door. Makes sense, especially when you go back and play the old ones. It’s like half staring at doors. Other games were exploring survival horror and 3D navigation, but no other games of the era made me sit and contemplate wooden fucking doors quite like Resident Evil.” 

Experts have long cited the influence of the landmark 1996 title in subsequent generations of video games.

“Resident Evil’s influence on modern gaming is tough to put into words, really,” said Sue Melman, a gaming columnist. “The game didn’t so much invent or pioneer any new techniques in suspenseful narrative storytelling or effective voice acting, but it did open the door to a brave new future of gaming. It took a little longer for that door to open than we would have liked, sure, but we’ve arrived at the other side now, and the results have been well worth the wait.” 

As of press time, Shinji Mikami had said he would soon be debuting a brand new franchise, after he had to use those creepy stairs that go up to his attic.

YouTuber Films Rant About “Forced Diversity” in His 23andMe Results

Posted on by Craig Cash

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Harvey Capers, known on YouTube as RedLantern7923, was enraged by the results he received from the website 23andMe and vented about “forced diversity” to his 600,000 subscribers.

“I don’t know what kind of soycuck wokeoid got ahold of my labwork,” said Capers in front of a wall of mint-in-box Funko Pops from franchises he hates, “but it’s totally unrealistic for this much of my genetics to be from non-white countries. Like why did they have to make me so political? Couldn’t they just have my racial makeup be less distracting and forced?”

Capers, who uploads an average of 25.7 videos per week about Brie Larson, said these results had ruined his childhood memories.

“My mom always told me her parents were from Ireland, and dad’s parents were from Norway, so what’s all this Sub-Saharan Africa shit?” asked Capers. “You know they just put that there because Black Panther was popular. Here it says I’m .3 percent Manchurian. These companies, they all just wanna suck China’s dick ‘cause they know that’s where the money is. It’s so blatant.”

As of press time, Capers is already planning a follow-up video about how half of his ancestors were women, and how “their outfits don’t show enough skin.”

Starfleet Scanner Detects High Concentration of Plot Hooks on Nearby Planet

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

THE FINAL FRONTIER — A recent scan on an undiscovered planet revealed copious amounts of potential plot points and advancement of storylines on its surface, a Starfleet captain has revealed. 

“Oh wow, these readings are off the charts,” said Captain Michael Watson of the USS Starship Occursus. “Not only is there a race down there that has never been presented with the concept of love, but also I guess our Second Officer’s long lost father is down there? It’s incredibly improbable of course, but the good news is that this should give us plenty of fodder for meaningful conversations and growth over the next hour or so.”

Upon learning of the planet’s readings, an away team was put together and sent down to the icy planet, where the narrative discoveries continued. 

“Couldn’t believe it, as soon as we got down there we found a civilization discussing the merits of going to war to protect their peaceful way of life,” said Dr. Beverly Sanders, the crew’s medic. “It was so fun hemming and hawing about morality and the nature of man versus machine that we almost totally forgot we were down here to teach these aliens about love and find Blake’s father. One of the crazier hours since I joined Starfleet, to be honest with you.” 

The aliens on the planet were impressed with the professionalism displayed by the long tenured crew of the Occursus. 

“Those guys were so pro, it was like watching a race car in a pit stop,” said L’Plor, a resident of the planet that supplied the plot points. “The way they spoke about the surface level things going on with obvious subtext about larger social matters was just fascinating. And they were so efficient. No sooner had we imparted our entire species’ collected observations following eons of living in this highly advanced solar system than they packed their shit and left. They said they got some other signal from a planet that is stuck in a Civil War and took the fuck off.” 

As of press time, the ship had stopped off at a prison planet to refill on fuel and action sequences.

Gamers Organize Massive Anti-Gamer Rally to Stop Gamers

Posted on by Andy Holt

WASHINGTON — Gamers from around the world gathered at the U.S. Capitol yesterday to demand action against gamers and everything they stand for.

“Gamers have always been a problem, don’t get me wrong — but there are more of us than ever before. It’s getting out of control. There should be checks in place to make sure we don’t get what we want,” said local gamer Chris Rosen, who also attended a march for the right to use slurs in chat. “When gamers win, everybody loses.”

The event brought together a highly diverse crowd of gamers, who set aside their differences to agree on one thing: Gamers are bad.

“There’s an old stereotype of the gamer, where it’s always a schlubby white guy. That’s bullshit. There are gamers from every corner of humanity, every gender and race and whatever else,” said Trish Zapata, who moderates seven Facebook meme groups, “and each of us is annoying in our own unique way. We must be stopped.”

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) held a counterprotest across the street, insisting that gamers should share the same rights as any other group.

“We may not be gamers ourselves, but we believe they should be allowed to advocate for themselves and their hobby, with no fear of persecution,” said Debby Anderson, a prominent local activist. “That is their right as human beings.”

After a few hours observing the gamers, however, the ACLU protest dispersed.

“Fuck this,” said Anderson, throwing away her sign and heading home. “Those people are insufferable.”

Twitch Adds Bannable Phrases “Damn,” “Butthole,” and “Actually the Civil War Was Not About States Rights”

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Following a controversial ban of popular streamer Hasan Piker from its platform after he used alleged slur “cracker,” Twitch has announced further additions to its list of bannable phrase, including “damn,” “butthole,” and “actually, the civil war was not about states rights.” 

“This is just ridiculous,” said MagentaDream,  a popular Twitch streamer. “I get that moderating a platform this large will always be a logistical nightmare, but we aren’t going to get anywhere by just arbitrarily adding more and more no-no words to a big naughty list. Frankly, it’s insulting to all of us to start putting words like “cracker” and “butthole” on the shelf next to the most toxic slurs in the language. And what’s that shit about the Civil War?”

Twitch executives defended their newest amendments to their terms of agreement, stating that it was important for them to ensure users had the best experience possible on their site. 

“We continue to strive to make Twitch the best place it can be, and will continue to consider how we can do that. And when we say ‘best place it can be,’ we are of course talking about for advertisers,” said Marlon Buggs, a representative for Twitch. “For example, though it is used very casually, what will now be known as the D-word can actually cause great harm, and is commonly associated with blasphemy. We want Twitch to be inclusive to people with all beliefs, and so this will no longer be tolerated.”

“As for the Civil war thing,” Buggs added. “Well, we wanna keep the lights on around here, don’t we?”

At press time, Twitch released a video iterating again that they are really sorry about that whole hate raid thing that keeps happening.

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