New ‘Breaking Bad’ Spin-Off to Explore Wrong Turn Taken by Bugs Bunny in Albuquerque

Posted on by Jake Menez

LOS ANGELES — Vince Gilligan announced today that the newest project in the rapidly-growing Breaking Bad universe will follow Bugs Bunny during the events of the infamous wrong turn he once took while traveling through Albuquerque.

“We are so excited to bring What’s Up to AMC this fall and to finally see what happens in the moment when Bugs Bunny forgets to take that left turn at Albuquerque,” Gilligan said in a statement. “The world of Breaking Bad’s Albuquerque is one that means a lot to me, but my love of the southwest first began watching Looney Tunes. I can’t wait to share this show with audiences and connect the story I’ve been telling since 2008 with the one that Mel Blanc, Chuck Jones, and everyone at Warner Bros. have been telling since the 1930s. I think everyone is going to be really excited to see just how Bugs Bunny became the Bugs we know and love in Breaking Bad.”

Unlike Better Call Saul and El Camino, which take place before and after the original series respectively, What’s Up will explore the world of Walter White’s criminal empire from a completely separate perspective. An early trailer screened for the press shows images of Bugs Bunny as a drifter who accidentally ends up in Albuquerque on his way to Pismo Beach and is pursued by law enforcement after being confused for Heisenberg.

Other co-headlining stars who will be featured in What’s Up include Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd, as well as Dean Norris, who will reprise his role as Hank Schrader from Breaking Bad.

“At first I was skeptical of this project, but these ‘toons sure are fun to work with,” said Norris. “That rabbit is a really great scene partner, but I didn’t think he had the chops to play someone damaged like the script calls for. Vince is able to find humor and seriousness in the writing really well, too. The other day we recorded a scene we did where [Bugs Bunny] sticks his finger in Hank’s service revolver, and instead of the bullet getting stuck like in Looney Tunes, it gets blown clean off. That’s when I knew we might have a hit on our hands.”

At press time, eagle-eyed fans were already predicting potential multi-season arcs for the series after spotting an ACME industries logo on a shipment crate from a mysterious unknown drug cartel.

Nintendo Announces the Mew Under the Truck Has Died

Posted on by Max Barth

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo announced via press release that the Mew hidden under the truck in Vermillion City has passed away. 

“We are sad to let the Nintendo family know that the Mew under the truck died last week, primarily from natural causes, if you consider twenty-five years of neglect ‘natural,’” said the statement posted on the gaming giant’s homepage last evening. 

Pokémon trainers worldwide found themselves asking if anything could have been done to prevent such an unspeakable tragedy.

“My friend told me in 1998 that he’d heard Mew was capturable, and that you simply had to use Surf to get over to that truck,” said one player who asked not to be named to keep “the proper respect and focus” on the recently deceased rare Pokémon. “It was a rumor, so I dismissed it out of hand. I didn’t even try to go over there and check the truck, I just went to the next gym. I was wrong. I was selfish and naïve, and poor Mew paid in blood.”

Mew, #151 in the Pokédex, was said to possess genetic traces of all other Pokémon. Experimental medical tests on its “bloated little corpse,” which washed up on the eastern shore of Cinnabar Island in the Kanto Region, have confirmed that to be the case.

In a tersely worded public statement, Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa put the blame on players for Mew’s tragic death.

“We understand how traumatic it is for the entire Pokémon community to realize that Mew was actually under the truck this whole time, waiting to be discovered. But now it’s too late,” said Furukawa. “By declaring Mew’s existence a mere rumor, or by giving up the search too quickly, players all but sentenced Mew to a joyless life and painful death from smoke exhaust and emotional neglect. If only our carefully released hints concerning Mew’s location under that truck had been heeded. If only Mew’s plaintive cries had been heard over the raging surf. May Mew now rest in peace, despite its gruesome last hours in an uncaring and cruel world.”

As of press time, Mew’s lifeless body was being dumped into the sea from the deck of the S.S Anne.

Remembering the GameCube: That Fucker Ruled

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Well, it’s another day of absolutely fuck all video game news, so what the hell, I thought today would provide a wonderful opportunity to reflect on a beloved system that somehow still doesn’t get the respect many feel it deserves when considered in the pantheon of classic gaming consoles: The Nintendo GameCube. In short, that fucker ruled, huh?

Now, I don’t know the most about specs or hardware and things like that, but I feel qualified by way of being a lifelong gamer. Do you know what the GameCube did that no other system has done since or will ever have the balls to do again? They put a little handle on that thing! You could carry that bastard onto the bus and people might think you had a lunch in it. Nah brah, no lunch, just a copy of Mario Superstar Baseball.  

That’s another thing, those optical discs were so tight, weren’t they? I could honestly just run around and throw the discs at people and use the GameCube to swing around and hit the ones that had a problem with it. These are fun things you can do without even plugging the dang thing in! Today’s heavy ass bulky systems could never offer this level of versatility out of the box. You’re practically chained to your television with an HDMI cable. 

There was other cool shit about the GameCube, as well. I thought the controller kicked ass, and I can’t all the way remember if the Star Wars game I’m thinking of was on there, but I’m pretty sure it was! It was really fun. You could also do shit with your Game Boy Advance too. I can’t remember what all the way. Take pictures or something? It was innovative as fuck though, whatever it was, you gotta admit. 

Another key radical feature of the GameCube? They made it be in different colors. A LOT of different colors. This part will seem sarcastic, but the orange one they made? One of the coolest things you’ll ever see. It’s a work of art. You don’t even need to turn on a GameCube for it to kick ass. You ever see that first Xbox they made? It looks like a fucking cinder block. 

But if you did turn it on, oh man. You ever do that thing where you hold the X button and it plays like a whole different song?! Or was it the Y button? Either way, it kicked absolute ass. Two start-up songs for the price of one console! Insane!

So yeah, that’s it dude. We’re just kinda sitting around DM’ing each other about the GameCube today. It was a really fun video game system, but you know what? In this professional’s opinion, most video game systems can be pretty fun at times. 

What did you like best about the GameCube? Sound off in the comments! And if someone already mentioned your favorite thing, go ahead and harass them a little!

Pixar to Follow Success of ‘Lightyear’ With Film About Real Life Potato That Inspired Mr. Potato Head

Posted on by Bill Hawken

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — After Pixar’s bold move to produce a full-fledged origin story for action figure Buzz Lightyear paid off, the studio is set to produce another origin story, this time for the real-life potato that inspired the Toy Story character, Mr. Potato Head.

“Once we saw the results from Lightyear’s early screenings, we knew we had to jump on Mr. Potato Head,” said Lightyear director Angus MacLane. “We would be remiss not to tell the story of the potato whose rise to fame came from harvesting and wearing human body parts.”

Though excitement was palpable, MacLane’s team did have to sell the idea to Disney, who wasn’t immediately pleased with the pitch, sources claim.

“They said that a killer potato wearing the faces of dead children wasn’t exactly ‘on brand,’” said MacLane, who has been researching the historical figure for years. “I get where they’re coming from, but you can’t argue with data. This is what people want.”

Eventually, Pixar’s producers and Disney executives came to an agreement.

“We settled on fudging Mr. Potato Head’s story a bit,” said MacLane. “Now, it’s going to be a period piece telling the story of an impoverished family during the Great Depression who dressed up their last potato as a doll for their daughter after she was told they were too poor to afford a real one. Years later, after Mr. Potato Head teaches her how to disguise her appearance, the two embark on a Bonnie and Clyde-like adventure that ends in a similar way. Doesn’t seem as interesting to me, but hey, Disney controls the purse strings.”

If Mr. Potato Head succeeds at the same level as Lightyear, it could very well be the start of a series of origin stories — Pixar has already begun work on Mr. Spell, about the mean English teacher who becomes trapped inside a computer, doomed to teach toddlers how to spell for eternity.

Guy Who Doesn’t Even Like New ‘Star Wars’ Thing Now Forced to Defend It

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local guy Michael Knight reportedly feels compelled to defend the new Obi-Wan Kenobi streaming series despite not even really liking it that much, according to frustrated sources.

“I watched the first three episodes of Obi-Wan and I was like, I dunno it’s fine I guess. Kinda boring. Then the racist backlash against one of the actors came and now I have to go to bat for this thing! I really hate being a part of modern entertainment discourse,” Knight explained. “Did I think that actor was good on the show? Not really. I didn’t think any of the actors were that good on the show — I kinda watched it while washing dishes after a while. But now I’m in the comments of Instagram photos calling people ‘absolute dumbasses’ for criticizing her because that’s my duty as a person who wants to criticize Star Wars for non-racist reasons.”

“I mean holy shit, how did they think it was a good idea to do another Star Wars prequel about an annoying child-version of one of the OT characters?! Didn’t they learn their lesson with Episode One?” Knight continued. “Shit, sorry, I should point out that this is not the young Leia actor’s fault and that by criticizing the writing of her character, I am not in any way endorsing people harass her until she quits acting forever, like the last few times that happened. Gotta add that disclaimer to any Star Wars complaint now that people ruined complaining about Star Wars, which was once one of my favorite activities.”

According to Knight, the people criticizing Moses Ingram have even changed his opinion of the show.

“I actually watched the third episode of the show and ended up liking it slightly more. Probably because I spent the last two days praising it online to combat racist trolls to the point where it seeped into my brain,” Knight said. “When will people figure out that if they want people to agree with them about Star Wars criticism, all they have to do is not be a goddamn real-life Rancor?”

At press time, Knight explained that he was sick of the continuous cycle of it all. “I just wish they would do something new for once. Not the same old song and dance,” Knight said. “Sorry, I meant both the Star Wars franchise and the Star Wars haters.”

If Sonic Is So Fast, Why Is He 5 Years Late to ‘Breath of the Wild’?

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

A video showcasing Sonic Frontiers gameplay was released yesterday, featuring Sonic’s gameplay in an open-world format. And after three years of waiting the answer is a resounding…not well. Sonic is all about speed, but Sega has come in last place in the race to capitalize on Breath of the Wild. 

The footage made me realize there is one version of Sonic worse than a hyper-realistic CGI model with human teeth: a version that walks. For seven minutes I watched the blue not-blur stroll around a detailed world full of nature and puzzles an RA at college would set up to get awkward freshman to mingle. It’s trying so hard to be BOTW that, at one point, Sonic stops running up a wall like a badass so he could climb up like a chump. Fingers crossed they haven’t also added a stamina meter and breakable shoes.

Sonic may be the ultimate speedster, but sometimes it feels like every new Sonic game is a desperate attempt from SEGA to capitalize on a trend years after everybody else did. Sonic Unleashed was criticized for trying to force a God-of-War-like section with its Werehog levels, while Sonic Lost World looks like it was made to be a Super Mario Galaxy ripoff for mobile phones. 

It’s usually a good thing when games incorporate features from other new games. We wouldn’t have Breath of the Wild if the team behind it hadn’t been inspired by Skyrim and Shadow of the Colossus, or without the hard work of the Xenoblade team. But while Zelda and other games considered which features would improve their game, Frontiers looks like it’s just copy-pasted in the world of Hyrule and added some rails. It’s gonna be harder to believe Sonic is the fastest creature alive when Genshin Impact is running laps around the poor bastard.

Sonic was once the coolest kid on the block. Now he lets his mommy dress him. It’d be better off learning from a game like Tony Hawk Pro Skater, but we’ll probably be back here in five years talking about how Sonic traveling the land to become Elden Lord doesn’t work either. (Sidenote: they better at least call that game Sonic: Elden Rings.)

And for the love of god just bring back Chao Garden already. Maybe SEGA should try being inspired by the Sonic games that have worked.

Congress Institutes Three Act Waiting Period on All Chekhov’s Guns

Posted on by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — Today marked a watershed moment for gun control in the United States as Congress pushed through a new bill enacting a minimum three act waiting period on all Chekhov’s guns. 

“We’re at a crossroads where we decided it would be the safest move for all plays and movies,” Representative Mike Gallagher said. “So much violence occurs in America, and we felt that it was taking place way too soon, before any suspense had built up. We understand that this is a violent country, but  I think we’re doing the right thing for our Americans by making sure that gun violence can still happen, but at least with a little more dramatic merit and plot resolution backing it up.”

NRA President Carolyn Meadows publicly decried the waiting period as an infringement of constitutional rights.

“The second amendment clearly protects the desire to kill off other characters whenever we choose,” Meadows said. “Without this, how will other countries know that there are stakes to our story? By creating a waiting period, nobody will have fear or believe that anyone is in actual danger. Without guns, how will Americans protect themselves from things like sappy dialogue scenes or poorly-cut action scenes? I think it’s within every American’s best interest to stand their ground against dramatic cliches and bad writing.

At press time, members of Congress announced bipartisan support to do absolute nothing about real guns.

You Think You Can Order From The Deli Counter? Come Back When You’ve Got More Badges

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

Huh? Did I hear something? Oh, it’s you. I didn’t notice you down there, pipsqueak. I bet you think you can just waltz up here and collect some of this store’s fine selection of deli meats, cheeses, and prepared salads, huh? Well, forget it! I’m not serving up my wares to some chump who hasn’t even collected six badges! 

That’s right. The Great Deli Worker Tad doesn’t turn on the meat slicer for just anyone, especially not for a nobody like you. You haven’t even visited the other great grocery kingdoms and claimed their badges! If you were to visit the MEAT, SEAFOOD, BREAD, DAIRY, DRY CEREAL, and BOTTLED WATER & SODA kingdoms and proved yourself to be a true customer, then we’ll talk. 

What’s that? Oh, that’s just my precious NUMBER DISPENSER. Do NOT touch it! A moron like you would never be able to figure out how to use it. So just forget it!!

You’re still here? I don’t know what kinda talkin’ tree or Grocery Professor told you to talk to me, but I ain’t budging. The only way you’re getting to these BOARS HEAD and STORE BRAND deli products is by obtaining six badges! But a kid like you would never be able to accomplish a task like that. You haven’t even equipped a SHOPPING CART and GROCERY LIST. 

Hey! What did I say about my NUMBER DISPENSER? I thought I told you NOT to touch it! It’s very precious to me. I can’t have kids like you putting their sticky fingers all over it. 

Look, kid. I can see you’re very insistent about ordering from the deli counter. So you know what? I’m gonna be a pal. Even though you’re a shrimp who can’t even collect six badges from the MEAT, SEAFOOD, BREAD, DAIRY, DRY CEREAL, and BOTTLED WATER & SODA kingdoms, I’ll let you order for a mere $1,000,000. Do we have a deal? I didn’t think so! Now go get those badges!

And remember: if there’s one thing I know about eatin’ sandwiches — and I know a lot about that — it’s that you can SAVE your GAME by pressing START to open the MENU.

Hospital Requires Baby’s Name to Include At Least One Uppercase Letter, Number, and Special Character

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

AURORA, Ill. — Local hospital Our Lady of Lourdes has updated its naming policy, stating that all newborns born at the maternity ward must include at least one uppercase letter, number, and special character in their first name.

“Studies show that a stronger name is linked to a healthier child,” said Rachel Castagnoli, Chief Executive Officer at the hospital. “If a child is named something common—like ‘Michael’ or ‘Jennifer’—they’d be open to early childhood diseases, immune disorders, and firewall attacks. But if the parents just added a special character and number to the name, so that the child would be named something like J@son244, then they’d dramatically reduce the chances of a hacker stealing their newborn’s personal identifiable information. That’s why we’re adding this control.”

While many expecting parents have voiced frustrations at the hospital for their new policy, other members of the community have applauded the new security measures.

“I think it’s great, personally. My parents were early adopters and gave me a secure name and I’ve always been thankful for that,” shared $tu@rt! McAvoy, whose parents controversially applied the same requirement three decades ago. “My wife and I are expecting our first child this fall, and we’ll be doing the same—but we’re also gonna have some fun with it. You see, we both met in a Modern Warfare 2 lobby back in 2009, which is why we’re so excited for the world to meet our beautiful, healthy daughter xx3lite_$niperxx.”

The name-protected policy represents only the first stage for the hospital in ensuring the safety of their newborn patients. Members working at the medical facility revealed that later requirements were expected to be announced shortly.

“The new name policy isn’t enough,” revealed Vice Director and former obstetrician David Jeong. “While having a unique name may decrease the risk for a child to contract any illnesses for the first seven years of their life, there’s still long-term risks that need to be mitigated as much as possible. That’s why we’ll be requiring parents to use two-factor authentication whenever engaging with their child, as well as enforcing all children born at our hospital to have their name changed every two months. And no, a previous name cannot be used.”

At press time, several parents had already reportedly forgotten their own newborn’s name.

Pokémon Scarlet/Violet Revolutionize the Series by Adding Hot Professors

Posted on by Minus World

A trailer for Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet dropped this morning, sharing new details about the highly anticipated titles. The games are already making headlines for a variety of reasons, from their November 18 release date to The Pokémon Company confirming they will feature full 4-player co-op for the first time in the series history. But that’s not the biggest news. 

The new trailer confirms something more important: The professors are hot this time.

That’s right, sickos. Say goodbye to the days of crusty old mentors like Professor Oak or absolute nerds like Professor Elm. The latest installment in the series introduces not one, but two bonafide fuck machines. 

First, there’s Professor Turo, who looks like a cartoon adaptation of a Sigma Chad meme come to life. Sporting some gruff five-o-clock shadow and a side-cut hairdo, he’s your prototypical hip tech bro who loves designer IPAs and finance apps. Professor Sada, on the other hand, has more of an Earthy Goddess vibe going on with her puka (or Poké) shell necklace and windswept hair.

As you might expect, historically horny gaming Twitter was quick to fall into The Pokémon Company’s thirst trap.

https://twitter.com/adashtra/status/1531987383008346115

 

People always complain that the Pokémon games are too scared to add anything new to the formula, instead opting to just barely update the graphics with each new game and keeping the same general core gameplay since the 1990s. But you can’t really say that’s true for Pokémon Violet and Scarlet because this one has hot professors.

In general, Pokémon Violet and Scarlet seem to be swinging for the simps this time. Even the games’ new legendaries, two lizards with wheels in their chest, are kind of hot. Considering that we haven’t really had a true smokeshow legendary since Mewtwo, it’s a big day for people who actively think about getting railed by cartoons. And don’t even think about making us Google-Image-search “Gardevoir.”

The Pokémon Company knows what it’s doing here. Anytime a new Pokémon trailer drops, there’s an immediate meme cycle as players turn every detail into a social joke. Violet and Scarlet are almost explicitly playing into that trope this time. Just look at Lechonk, a new pig Pokémon with a name designed for fans to slop up like mud.

Maybe that’s the ultimate reason why Pokémon continues to stay relevant so many years later, even with a general decline in quality. The Pokémon Company has tapped into the power of the meme generation, the most powerful marketing tool of all. It doesn’t matter if the latest trailer for the game virtually shows nothing other than vague landscapes and out-of-context gameplay. But you will remember that it has hot professors and you will buy it.

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