Sexually-Awakened J. Jonah Jameson Demands Feet Pictures of Spider-Man

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — Daily Bugle Editor-in-Chief J. Jonah Jameson shocked staff today when, after a recent sexual awakening following an adult retreat, he demanded the Bugle photographers get him feet pictures of local vigilante Spider-Man.

“Dammit! Regular pictures won’t do it anymore!” Jameson bellowed to the Bugle photography staff this morning. “Why can’t anyone get me a picture of Spider-Man’s feet? I’ll settle for costume-on! I didn’t spend fifty-one years in the newspaper industry denying my kinks for some hack photographer to get me a photo of him apprehending a criminal from the waist up. He may be a menace to society, but I want to decide for myself if his feet are going on my special DeviantArt page. If Spider-Man is out there listening, I demand he reveal his identity, turn himself in, and send me some of his old shoes.”

Daily Bugle staff photographer Peter Parker expressed his misgivings about his new assignment.

“As a friend of Spider-Man, I’m worried Mr. Jameson is thinking I’ll pull through for him,” Parker said. “I can’t explain why, but I think I’ll be able to pull it off. Just makes me feel kind of…dirty. I mean, for Spider-Man. I feel bad for that guy. He’ll have to pay big. It seems like he’s willing to, though, he actually gave me $600 advance to make sure Spider-Man gets a pedicure beforehand.”

Jameson elaborated on what he would do with the photos he requested.

“The good people of New York deserve to see this so-called-superhero’s face,” Jameson began. “Furthermore, once this Spider-Menace started taking justice into his own hands, New York has the right to see his feet handcuffed together and pressed through a chain-link fence. Let’s get that real-life-hentai tentacle monster Doc Ock in there too while we’re at it.” 

At press time, Jameson was not satisfied with the photos Parker eventually turned in, citing that it looked like Peter got lazy and just took photos of his own feet instead.

skate. Will Be Filled With Microtransactions, Just Like Real Skateboarding

Posted on by David Arriaga

Despite the Skate series’ attempts to offer a more realistic skateboarding simulation, it’s still not real enough for hardcore skaters. Skate 4 – or skate., as I guess we have to call it now – is finally addressing that complaint in the most EA way possible: It’s going to be a free-to-play game with microtransactions. After all, what’s more true to the skateboarding lifestyle than having your wallet drained by little hidden fees that add up over time?

EA confirmed that it won’t utilize pay-to-win mechanics for skate., but it’s unclear what the game’s shop will contain. Wheels? Deck graphics? Truck colors? Hospital bills? That all has the potential to add up if you want to live your skateboarding dreams. That might be the most honest depiction of real skateboarding we’ve ever seen in a game.

If you’re a beginner, real skateboarding has a low cost of entry (though it’s not free, like skate.). You just need to buy a board and start moving. Though to be safe, you’ll also want to pick up a helmet and some pads. Easy and cheap … if you want to have a miserable time. The more you skate, the more you’re going to want to invest in some better parts to make your ride smoother. Wheels, grip tape, bearings, trucks – all those microtransactions start to add up as you customize your board.

I hesitate to write this in case EA is reading but: Like The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, parts deteriorate over time too. You’ll need to replace all those parts I mentioned. The less money you spend to do that, the sooner you’ll just have to replace them again. Oh, and don’t forget that you’ll need skating shoes too and those will also need to be replaced. Before you know it, you’ve become a whale in the skating world.

That’s just the functional part of the equation. The hyperrealism EA can really bring to the table is with cosmetics. Skateboarding is an act of self-expression, and that costs cold hard cash in America. Let’s start with the board itself. Deck graphics can range from just the name of the company to an entire painting of whatever the hell the artist making it was feeling when they made it. That graphic speaks to your character; no one wants to roll into some skateboarding compilation video with a Walmart board that says “live, laugh, skate” on it. And you can’t just have any old truck or wheels with that. You’ll want to customize those too to visually complete your board.

The same pressure is on clothing thanks to the commercialization of skate culture. Some skaters find themselves dropping a couple hundred dollars for one oversized hoodie and an extra baggy pair of jeans with a snoopy patch on the back. It doesn’t even matter how good they are at skating – you can’t buy skill, but you can buy cool. In reality, you don’t need to spend a dime on fashion to be a skater, but there’s a psychological pressure there. Like most games with purchasable in-game cosmetics, if your style is on point, outsiders will just assume you are a good skater. When you see one person with a default skin and another fully blinged out in a Fortnite lobby, who do you assume is winning the match?

That aspect of bastardized skate culture is sure to creep its way into skate. Streamers won’t be able to get by off of hours of gameplay, skill, and technique alone. They will need to update their avatars and decks to make sure they stay on the latest trends. In skate., it likely won’t matter if you can tre-flip over a moving train. It’ll be about how good your avatar looks while doing it.

The promise of live updates should keep the profit – I mean party – going. We don’t know how far EA will go with its microtransactions in the game, but it’s safe to assume self-expression will be for sale. That’ll keep the same spots feeling new with evolving style, just like real life. If EA replicates even just one of the aspects of skating I mentioned here, this will be the most realistic and profitable skateboarding game to date. 

Simon Belmont Takes Damage a Few Times to Make Room for Second Helping of Turkey

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

TRANSYLVANIA — Famed vampire hunter Simon Belmont reportedly took a few punches to make room for a second helping of turkey, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Yeah, every now and then I let a ghost whack me in the head a few times if I’m feeling like I want another one of these bad boys,” said Belmont while eating a perfectly cooked turkey leg that he found in a wall. “Ya know, ‘cause they taste good, but if my health bar’s full, I just have to leave it there. Kinda sucks. So a few bonks to the face and I’m munching on turkey leg. Great trade for me.”

Nearby enemies were reportedly confused by Belmont’s actions after he let them attack him.

“Dude, it was so weird. He just put his whip down and let me blast him in the face with a fireball. Then he killed me. What?” said a confused ghost. “I hope everything’s cool with him, because it would bum me out if he was really depressed or something. I know we’re enemies and all that, but I kind of respect him and appreciate the little routine that we’ve been in. I attack him, he attacks me, so on and so on. But this time he just let me hit him. I dunno. It’s just kind of freaking me out, I guess.”

“Not to mention, he’s been eating so much turkey lately,” the ghost added. “To me, it seems like binge eating and I’m not body-shaming him at all, but it doesn’t seem to be coming from an emotionally healthy place. It’s not for me to say, maybe, but I just hope he’s OK. Plus, he would just wipe his hands all over his leather armor. One time he cleaned his hand on a wall. Just nasty. And I’m a ghost!”

At press time, a very full Simon Belmont dozed off during a fight with Dracula.

Sick, Depraved Streamer Can’t Have Fun Unless Others Are Watching

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

ORLANDO — Local sicko Twitch streamer Maverick Correa can’t get off on his gaming online unless a bunch of other people are watching him play with himself.

“Sorry, but I guess I just only like to game in public. I like to know that someone is watching, heh heh,” explained Correa, rubbing his controller’s sticks. “For me, gaming is a bit of a shameful, embarrassing hobby to begin with. So it really multiplies that rush for me if I know that a lot of people are watching me do it. And trust me, I’ve tried solos, I’ve tried duos, and I’ve tried squads. But it just needs to be broadcasted. And I gotta read the comments and shout out the names, baby. Oh god, I thank you for the four months prime, ohhhhh.”

Fans of the stream say that, while they enjoy gaming on their own, it makes them feel more connected to watch someone play video games on the computer.

“He said my name once when he killed a guy. I’ve never gotten such a good feeling from gaming in my life,” said Twitch user BallRunner83. “For me, it feels like we’re all gaming together. I’m like the guys in Eyes Wide Shut who are wearing the masks and just hanging out. I don’t need to fuck the girl or nothing, I just like to be there. Makes me feel included. Sometimes I yell poggers.”

A spokesperson for Twitch said despite objections from some viewers, there’s not really anything they can do about Correa’s gameplay. 

“Look, I know that we have rules against sexual content, but if this guy’s just playing games and letting people watch, it’s hard to really crack down on that. Our TOS are not that specific,” said the representative from Twitch. “At the end of the day, we can’t prove that he’s not just a guy making noise. He’s got all his clothes on and everything. Plus, he’s not a girl — so we can’t just ban him for wearing a kind of shirt or whatever.”

“He’s probably cumming, though,” he added. “I’m pretty sure he’s cumming.”

At press time, Correa posted a long apology video to YouTube after revelations that he had played a duos match in private with someone other than his wife.

Dad Falls for Email Scam Claiming He’s Been Invited to Join the Avengers

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Local father Dean Atkinson accidentally clicked a phishing link emailed to him that claimed it was an invitation to join fictional superhero team The Avengers.

“Son of a gun!” said Atkinson, excitedly putting his credit card information into the response email, as requested. “It says here that as soon I pay my entry dues, armor bill, and cash handling fee, I’ll be first in line to be among the next recruits to The Avengers! You know, I’d never really thought about it, but I might be a pretty good Avenger. Do you think they need an HVAC guy?” 

According to a viral Tiktok video from Atkinson’s daughter Renee, the email was very clearly a scam link.

“It literally said they saw a video of him and wanted him to become a superhero because he had the skills and the heart for it. What the fuck? How is my dad so dumb?” said the video, which was streamed over 16 million times. “I swear to god this is almost as dumb as the time my mom almost divorced him because she thought she was in a long distance relationship with Keanu Reeves.”

Marvel Cinematic Universe head Kevin Feige responded to the controversy.

“I feel so bad about this, it hurts me to know that we got this man’s hopes up that he could join The Avengers. Unfortunately, and this pains me so much to say, but The Avengers do not exist in the real world,” Feige explained. “If The Avengers really did exist — and again, I would do everything in my power to make sure they do, if I could — I would be happy to have Mr. Atkinson join the team. I mean, hell, we have Hawkeye in there. It’s not like it’s that hard to join.”

As of press time, Atkinson hadn’t been seen for three days after reportedly entering a sketchy van driven by a man who claimed to be Tony Stark, but didn’t even have a goatee.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe Is in Its Flop Era. But Then Again, So Is the Planet

Posted on by Chandler Dean

Welp, Thor: Love and Thunder is the latest installment of the Marvel Cinematic Universe to be thoroughly, whelmingly, mid. But that shouldn’t be too much of a surprise, given that the MCU is now firmly in its Phase 4 “flop era” thanks to middling films like Eternals and Black Widow.

But hey, who can blame Kevin Feige? Our own universe is in a steady decline, so maybe it makes sense that Marvel’s is too.

The Flop Era

With 6 films and — Jesus Christ — 7 Disney+ shows released over the last 18 months, Phase 4 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe has felt both lethargic and overwhelming. We’ve gotten 50 hours of content that’s mostly amounted to more homework and less clarity about what the hell this is all supposed to be building toward. (I think maybe the Skrulls are enlisting Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Harry Styles to stop the Time Department from blipping the multiverse? Or whatever.)

Everyone seems to be taking note of this phase’s disjointed aimlessness — from IGN to Collider to Forbes (which I thought was supposed to be a website about the stock market or something). And although the Hollywood-owned Rotten Tomatoes has gradually seen its average Tomatometer scores creep up over the years, the mean score for the MCU’s Phase 4 movies is currently 75% — the lowest of any phase yet. 

With the release of Thor: Love and Thunder, the latest cycle of mocking a new MCU entry’s failures (while it nevertheless rakes in a gazillion dollars) is in full swing. And a lot of the most prominent criticisms reflect the broader problems we keep seeing in the MCU’s Phase 4 movies. Spoilers below!

  • Every plot beat of Thor: Love and Thunder feels like an answer to the question “wouldn’t it be cool if this happened?” instead of “what would these characters be motivated to do next?” It’s like Disney executives saw the success of Endgame and instead of thinking “audiences love it when we patiently build to an incredible climax over the course of a decade,” they thought “audiences love it when we mash characters together in wacky situations and we shouldn’t waste our time justifying how or why they got there. Also audiences want to see actors from Ted Lasso in post-credits scenes.” 
  • To that end, Jane Foster’s arc to become Mighty Thor is criminally rushed—and a lot less exciting than it might have been if it wasn’t revealed in every trailer.
  • In the spirit of blindly copying-and-pasting what has worked previously, the movie’s tone is an inferior rehash of the genuinely delightful and once-fresh Thor: Ragnarok. (It was cool when Thor fought to “Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin — so surely it’s even cooler to slap a bunch of Guns N’ Roses songs throughout the soundtrack, joining the creative echelons of Megamind and the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Jumanji movies.)
  • As in so many other superhero movies, the villain is totally right until he’s randomly super wrong.
  • And like seemingly every Marvel project, the visuals were rushed under terrible working conditions to create a laughable final product. (Source: Director Taika Waititi literally laughing at the final product.)

Thor: Love and Thunder is just another jester in the clown square that is Phase 4 of the MCU. But unlike everyone else online, I’ve decided that I’m not mad about it. Why? Because the MCU sucking ass now is just a symptom of a more insidious disease: which is that life as a whole sucks ass now.

Phase 4 of the MCU Is Mediocre, But So Is Life

Think about it: the MCU peaked with Avengers: Endgame. Endgame came out in 2019, and life was simply better then! (Okay, life was actually really shitty in 2019. But we were living in blissful ignorance that it was about to get several magnitudes shittier in the Spring of 2020.)

Cut to the pandemic. Black Widow, a movie that was already coming out way too late to justify its own existence, got significantly delayed. So did a bunch of other shit, creating the release date pile-up that has undoubtedly contributed to growing MCU fatigue. The projects that hadn’t finished production shifted to more COVID-cautious greenscreen-heavy shoots, exacerbating the lifeless, washed-out visuals that have often plagued the MCU. All the while, the rest of the moviegoing industry has been hanging on by a thread, meaning we get fewer palate cleansers between our quarterly servings of Feigeslop. Feigeslop has its place! But it is best consumed as part of a balanced cinematic diet — which is simply no longer possible now that the world sucks big ass.

Mind you, these are just the ways that the world sucking ass has directly affected the quality of the MCU. We’ve barely considered some of the more tangential reverberations of universal ass-suckery. It could be that our collective despair in the midst of a crumbling world order might adversely affect our ability to enjoy escapist content—particularly when that content often intimates that you should just lay low and trust the global elite (uh, I mean, Ant-Man) to solve your problems for you. 

Oh, also I guess it’s worth remembering that we’re all 14 years older than we were when Iron Man came out and these movies are for children.

So, sure, the MCU has fallen off. But so has everything. Therefore, until Disney finds a way to acquire existence itself, the Marvel Cinematic Universe will remain but a pawn in the grander scheme of our actual universe. Lest we forget, that universe sucks ass — and it’s not even America’s ass.

Opinion: Elon Musk Not Buying Twitter Is Genius, Unless He Does Buy It, Then That Was the Right Move

Posted on by Camden Brazile

Wow. Mr. Musk has done it again. He could smell the blood in the water in that awful Twitter deal and dipped right after creating a good amount of chaos in the system like the hilarious troll he is. Twitter is a cesspool of an app that was just trying to milk the real-life Tony Stark out of a few billion. Even though that’s pennies for Elon, he’s not going to let some evil corporation sneak a bunch of bots past him, he’s much too smart for that. Did they really think they could outfox the clean energy king? 

Shutting down the Twitter deal was one of the shrewdest, brilliant business moves in the last decade. He wakes up and grinds so hard every day, and did the research to figure out Twitter was dead on arrival. I can’t think of a more genius play than dropping the mic on this crooked, bot-ridden “social media” app. 

Unless he does end up buying it. 

If he does end up buying it, I’m astounded at what a revolutionary, game-changing business deal Mr. Musk made by purchasing one of the most successful, engaging media platforms in existence. 

If Elon buys Twitter, you’re an idiot if you think it wasn’t a perceptive, savvy business play that is just the first step in a master plan real-life Tony Stark is cooking up behind the scenes. He just said he was backing out like the hilarious troll he is, and he knew he was pwning all those idiot libs who think he didn’t know exactly what he was doing. 

Twitter is essentially a mirror image of our society, where all the greatest minds come in unison to philosophize on the great questions of life. In many ways, Twitter is akin to the modern salon, and Elon is a genius for working to preserve the sanctity of speech on this platform, assuming it turns out that he does want to buy it.

You may say he was “legally bound” to buy Twitter in the end, but that’s just what he wants you sheep to think. If he buys Twitter, he’s the wisest move any other businessman wouldn’t have the balls to pull off. He was probably just lowering the interest in Twitter by trying to pull out only to swoop in as a hero at the eleventh hour. Business king.

And if he gets sued and loses millions, oh boy. That’s truly the smartest move of all when you think about it.

Local Crackpot Insists 8K TVs Are a Thing

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DICKSON, Tenn. — A local crackpot, just a world class asshole, this guy Lenny Vickerman, has again insisted that 8K TVs exist and that “you can go buy one right now.” 

“I’m not kidding, why don’t you believe me,” ranted Vickerman, after authoring yet another of his delusional fantasies, wherein resolution on TVs has somehow gotten better yet again. “I’m not even saying you necessarily need to get one, but they exist, that’s all I’m saying. Why do you get so upset with me when I bring this up?”

Vickerman has deceived many in the past about tech related matters, most recently when he was talking some shit about how they have lawn mowers you can charge now. Yeah right, Lenny. Lawn mowers run on gas, you fucking asshole. 

According to those familiar with the situation, Vickerman was being a total nut with his bizarre insistence that they have 12K TVs now or whatever the hell he was saying. 

“Yeah, fuck Lenny man, that wasn’t cool,” said this guy Louie after you made Vickerman leave your barbecue. “Trying to embarrass you and make you fall for his little joke. I’ve known him a while, and that seemed really out of character for him. Nevertheless, good on you for not standing up to his bullshit. I’m not sure I would have decked him like that, but a man’s gotta do what he feels is right. ‘8K TVs’… Fuck off.” 

As of press time, some dumb ass commercial on TV had said something about 8K TVs now in what must have been some sort of skit or goof.

Manga Reader Prefers Subs Over Dubs

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local manga Issa Baker prefers to read the kind of manga that has subtitles in English, rather than the kind dubbed in English to begin with.

“When I watch anime, I think that the Japanese voices fit the art style so much better than the English versions. And for me, manga is sort of an extension of anime, so why wouldn’t I feel the same way? That’s why I only read manga if it’s in Japanese and has the English translation underneath it on the bottom. If it just has the English text, it’s just not as good to me,” Baker explained. “At the end of the day, it is more challenging to feel superior for no reason when reading manga compared to watching anime. But I put in the work.”

According to those close to Baker, the subtitled-manga lover scoffs at anyone who reads the Japanese comics in any way other than the way that he does.

“I was shocked they even make manga like that, but I guess if there’s enough demand from pretentious readers, you might as well,” said Baker’s roommate Roman Sharp. “I mean it looks exactly the same as the regular manga, but it also has Japanese text that he doesn’t know how to read covering up some of the image. It’s incredibly strange. But that’s Issa, I guess: incredibly strange. For him, the act of reading a work of art isn’t the thing that’s fun; it’s the fact that it might make him slightly better than someone else with the same hobby.”

At press time, Baker refused to read this article written about him due to the fact that it was not in Japanese with English translations written below.

2022’s Hardest Game Is This Adorable Puzzle Game About Running a Goddamn Donut Factory

Posted on by Minus World

Let’s do some video game word association. I’m going to say a word, and you’re going to tell me what 2022 video game first comes to mind when I do. Ready?

“Hard.”

What was your first thought? Perhaps it was Drive because that’s the name of this website and you’re not very good at understanding prompts. Maybe it was Sifu, the ultra-punishing kung-fu action game where you age every time you die. Or, more likely, your brain went to Elden Ring (despite the fact that we’ve already established it is easy, actually).

Wrong on all accounts, you filthy casual. When I say “hard,” your brain should go to one place first: this cozy, twee-ass puzzle game about running a donut factory.

Freshly Frosted quietly launched back in June and it’s been steadily gaining critical acclaim since then. At the time of writing, it’s one of the best reviewed games of 2022 according to Opencritic, further overshadowing Horizon Forbidden West. It’s easy to see why. The charming puzzle game has players building conveyor belts in order to assemble donuts in the right order and deliver them to customers. It’s a cute premise – and one that has ruined my life.

Don’t be fooled by its gentle pastels and soothing narrator: Freshly Frosted contains puzzles that will shatter your psyche. The game starts simple enough. You’ll start by building straightforward “point A to point B” conveyor belts that loop around a small grid. As with any puzzle game, slowly starts popping in complications one at a time. Soon you’ll need to assemble more complex donuts. Then you’ll need to make two conveyor belts instead of one. Then each will need to deliver a different type of donut. Then you need to use path splitters to turn one conveyor belt into five different ones that all need to deliver different donuts to different endpoints, all while snaking in and out of one another – and also accounting for machines that push your donut forward to another belt if they have a specific topping layout. And that’s before getting to cloning machines and donut mergers.

It’s a good time to note that this game is developed by “The Quantum Astrophysicists Guild.”

While most of the game’s 144 puzzles are easy (and delightful) to figure out, some of its tougher puzzles have turned my brain into jelly. I’ve spent entire 40 minute commutes staring at the screen dumbfounded as I try to solve a single puzzle. When I sleep, I see donuts. The conveyor belts taunt me. If you thought Malenia was hard, just wait until you’re asked to deliver six donuts to the same counter. No Mimic Tear that’s going to do it for you, coward.

When we talk about “hard” games, it’s rare that puzzle games like this really enter the conversation. That discourse is always focused on skill-heavy action games that test players’ speed and reflexes. But it’s time to finally acknowledge that puzzle games are the one-true hardcore gamer genre. In Elden Ring, there’s always some strategy you can find to cut down a boss in seconds. In Freshly Frosted, there are no cheeses – it would be fucked up to put cheese on a donut. You need to rely on the power of your big brain to solve complicated puzzles. You have no choice but to get good … at thinking (and let’s face it, that’s hard for a lot of us).

I’m really enjoying my time with Freshly Frosted so far, despite the sleepless nights a few of its puzzles have caused me. It’s a relaxing puzzle game filled with soothing sounds and cute visuals. Most of its puzzles are “not too easy, not to hard,” but it offers some strong challenges too. But what I especially love about it is that I can use it as a secret weapon. The next time you see a Pro Gamer condescend about how wholesome games aren’t “REAL GAMES,” ask them to solve one of Freshly Frosted’s hardest puzzles. It’ll make them reassess their entire personality.