NIGHT CITY — A guy that recently joined the Aldecaldos is starting to suspect that nobody has a consistent idea of what any of their slang means, sources have confirmed.
“It was really overwhelming at first,” said Buzz Crenshaw, who recently joined the wandering nomad gang. “But then you realize everyone’s just winging it and it actually becomes kind of fun. Nobody knows the difference between a Weefle or a Linefoot or a fuckin’ hole in the ground. We’re all pretty sure ‘eddies,’ are money but once in a while I call it ‘flickers,’ and no one even notices. And I just made ‘flickers,’ up. These guys are my chooms and everything, but what a bunch of gonks.”
Many longtime residents of Night City have vocalized their dislike of today’s vernacular.
“When things got all crazy futuristic around here, the language was fine at first,” said Sue Johnson, a 94-year-old local. “Cyborg became ‘borg,’ ‘dorph’ was short for endorphins, it all made sense. Then one day my grandson said that I was no longer “Gato” and that I was reminding him of some kind of “Netpig.” When I asked him to clarify what he meant, he couldn’t do it. I threw him out of my house and uninstalled all my memories of him after that. No grandson of mine is gonna talk to me like some kind of asshole. Doesn’t surprise me to hear he ended up riding in some gang full of punks.”
Longtime members of the Aldecaldos confirmed off the record what Crenshaw had alleged; that nobody truly had a handle on the slang they used.
“I can’t believe no one’s ever noticed before,” said our anonymous source. “You don’t exactly have to be a Netrunner or a Ripper Doc to pick up on the fact that there’s something that doesn’t add up around here. Namely that nobody knows what anybody else is talking about half of the time, and it feels like we’re making the slang up as we go. It’s ‘haos, and I love it. Total grillio.”
As of press time, the Aldecaldos have issued an ominous press statement that no one could really understand. We think they’re gonna blow something up.
Like many, I have lived every day of my life with the hopes that no one will ever stick a loaded handgun to my head, threatening to pull the trigger if I don’t review the experience with a number out of 10. And yet, here I sit at my laptop forced to perform that very task. Well, despite the various flaws that come with having a gun pointed to my head, potentially seconds away from violently ending my life and destroying those of my loved ones, I have to say the experience was really cool and I’m going to give it a 9/10.
From the cold steel pressed against my skin to the truly terrifying notion that I could die in one of the most horrifying ways imaginable, having a loaded gun pressed to my temple is by no means a great time. Time has slowed down for me as I contemplate every moment of my life from good to bad, taking in all the paths I went down to bring me to this treacherous place. If I survive this experience, which I very possibly may not, considering I can see my assailant’s finger slide towards the trigger of his gun, it will likely be something I reckon with for the rest of my life. Years of therapy from the PTSD I gain from these few minutes will last until I die, and it feels like I may never be able to form a healthy relationship again.
That being said, it kind of feels like being in a movie. What can I say? That’s really cool.
Now I understand that some people think I shouldn’t be talking about this at all. But as critics, our job is to answer the question of whether or not we find having a loaded gun pressed to our temples fun to experience and why. Whether or not we could die is obviously a very important question. So just as in virtually all cases, we’re choosing to expose and address the fact that I could have my brains blown out at any moment. We’re doing it here and we did it with Elden Ring as well, for example. (That one was a lot easier, because playing Elden Ring had no chance of killing me).
A lot of fans aren’t going to like having a handgun threatening to take their lives, and there’s no reason to fault them for it. And to be clear, there’s no way I’m saying that it’s a full experience; having an unknown person, shrouded in darkness and mystery, threatening to take your life is not going to be for everyone, and it certainly does not come without its flaws. For me, however, I just think it’s great. And for that reason, I have to give a 9/10, implying that it is nearly perfect. That’s just me.
But hey, whether you love having a gun pointed to your head pleading for your life or you hate it, at the end of the day, at least you don’t have to sit through playing 100 hours of Hogwarts Legacy.
Greninja, the fan-favorite final evolution of Froakie and the Water-type starter Pokemon of Generation VI, is is finally in Pokemon Scarlet & Violet. The frog earned its popularity through its significant role in the animated series and its strong performance in both casual and competitive battles.
Despite the abundant supply of Pokemon in Scarlet and Violet, sometimes the desired Pokemon is harder to obtain, and Greninja is no exception. With recent Pokemon games limiting their roster, many fans are wondering how to get Greninja in Pokemon Scarlet and Violet.
How To Catch Greninja in Pokemon Scarlet & Violet
Unfortunately, Greninja does not spawn in the wild, meaning you won’t find the critter roaming freely around the Paldea region. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t get this Pokemon in the game.
To obtain Greninja in Pokemon Scarlet and Violet, you currently have two options: participate in the limited-time Tera Raid event or receive one through trading. Trading is a viable option if you are unable to participate in the Greninja Tera Raid, and know someone who may be able to breed you Greninja’s pre-evolution, Froakie.
Another way is to participate in the 7-Star Tera Raid event, which allows players to battle against Greninja and catch it if they defeat the Pokemon. A Greninja Tera Raid event took place in January, but another is scheduled from February 10th to 12th.
To participate in 7-Star Tera Raids in Pokemon Scarlet and Violet, you must follow these steps:
Finish all three story paths (Victory Road, Starfall Street, Path of Legends) and complete the finale quest, “The Way Home.”
After completing the main story and unlocking the post-game content, defeat all eight Gym Leaders a second time.
Finish the Academy Ace Tournament.
You can find the raid dens for this event scattered around Paldea. The incredibly powerful-looking seven-star raid dens are where you’ll find Greninja.
It’s also worth noting that players will likely be able to transfer a previously owned Greninja from Pokemon Home. However, there’s not yet a Pokemon Scarlet & Violet compatibility release date for the software.
LOS ANGELES — Twitch streamer Amber “CroniK” Stokes is worried that playing the game Cult of the Lamb would be a little too on-the-nose for her parasocial viewers.
“My entire business model revolves around the fact that my viewers, who worship me and send me money because I’m cute, hanging on my every word as if I were their leader, don’t realize how weird that is. And Cult of the Lamb dares to threaten all of that. But it looks so fun!” Stokes reportedly told her boyfriend, another streamer. “And I know I want to play with the Twitch add-on that lets you recruit your viewers into your cult, but it really feels like a hat on a hat. In many ways, they’re already in my cult — we just haven’t summoned any Lovecraftian monsters yet. Yet.”
Despite reservations, Stokes did eventually play the game on stream for viewers, who responded well to it.
“Watching CroniK play Cult of the Lamb was so fun! For some reason, I found it super relatable. Like SUPER relatable. Like a mirror was being held up to my screen. Really weird stuff. Cool though!” said one of Stoke’s moderators in her Discord server.
“When CroniK recruited my little Axolotl into her cult, I was so excited. CroniK really changed my life and how I think about the world, so it was just such a cool little moment for me. I know it was just RNG but I felt chosen — I felt a connection to her,” said another Discord user. “Watching her order my little avatar around, it made me wonder what his life was like. Did he like being in the cult? Did he ever have dreams of leaving? Was he being indoctrinated? But then CroniK sacrificed him to The One Who Waits so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. When that happened, I cried for two whole days. But they were happy tears. I was happy to be a part of something larger than myself.”
At press time, some of Stokes’ Twitch viewers had been chattering about whether or not they were members of a cult themselves, but quickly lost focus when a really sick hype train started popping off.
Hey this article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! Whether you’re playing it for a legion of devoted fans willing to heed your every order, or just looking for a cool indie game to fuck around with on your own, you should check out Cult of the Lamb!You can grab it on Steam right now for a cool $25. DO IT. YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE HARD DRIVE CULT. FOLLOW MY COMMANDS!!!!
KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo announced a collector’s edition boxed set honoring the cult RPG series Mother that will only be two thirds full of stuff, sources have confirmed.
“Good news for Mother fans!” said a press release issued by Nintendo today. “Since you’ve supported this series for years and kept the conversation going around EarthBound (and those other two games), we’ve decided to give you exactly what you’ve been asking for. We think this box set will be exactly what all long time fans of the series will come to expect, including copies of EarthBound and EarthBound Beginnings, a couple of posters, a book of conceptual art, an adorable Poo keychain, and absolutely no mention whatsoever of Mother 3.”
“People don’t really seem as into that one,” the statement continued. “So you’ll see when you open the thing up where it would’ve gone if we had decided to include it. But we didn’t!”
Fans of the series were disappointed but ultimately not surprised about the exclusion of one third of the beloved trilogy.
“The Mother box set is kind of cool, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also underwhelming,” said Gary Williams, a longtime fan of the series who is still holding out hope for an official domestic release of Mother 3, even though you can just go online and get the really good fan translation for free as soon as you’re done reading (and sharing) this article. “I just don’t know why Nintendo can’t put part three in there? It’s pretty weird how they have Lucas all over the box art and everything if they’re not going to give us the game he’s in. I hoped that putting EarthBound Beginnings on the Switch Online service was a sign of good things to come, but sadly, I think it may have been a drip of Mother content that is meant to last us for a few more decades.”
As of press time, Nintendo confirmed that there would be a collector’s edition of the Mother boxed set that includes a special display case that would look really neat with a copy of Mother 3 in it.
GLEN ELLYN, Ill. — After recently developing chronic sleep apnea, aging gamer Sarah Aldridge requested that her newly prescribed CPAP machine come in atomic purple if at all possible.
“When my doctor told me they would have to order me a CPAP machine so I don’t stop breathing when I fall asleep, I asked if it was possible to get it in that clear atomic purple color, like those N64 controllers or old Mac computers” said Aldridge, 38, launching into a coughing fit. “Jungle green or ice blue would be fine too if they’re out though.”
Dr. Pete Richter, Aldridge’s primary care physician, was slightly confused by the unique request.
“I told her I would look into it,” said Richter, who also asked Aldridge to cut down on vaping. “But I’m not really sure how to break it to her that the machines only come in white or gray, and we don’t really get to pick which one. Honestly, she should just be glad we caught it soon enough so that she doesn’t end up choking on her own saliva during a REM cycle. Gamers, man.”
Aldridge continued to be more focused on the color of her machine’s outer shell rather than her newly diagnosed respiratory condition.
“What ever happened to those wacky color schemes, anyway?” asked Aldridge after reviewing a pamphlet titled The Dangers of Obstructive Sleep Apnea. “Remember playing Goldeneye with an electric orange controller? Video games used to be so much cooler back in the day. Or maybe I just took better care of myself when I was a kid.”
At press time, Aldridge had reportedly modified her stock CPAP machine to look like colorful ’90s technology, and was finally able to get a good night’s sleep.
WASHINGTON — The American government is concerned that Mr. Beast will trigger a disturbing wave of copycat philanthropy after recently uploading a video that shows him curing 1,000 people of their blindness, sources have confirmed.
“We can’t have this garbage rotting the minds of our children,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s bad enough that a kid might get on YouTube and find a drag queen or rap music video, but to see someone using their vast resources to improve the lives of others? Kids are going to see this trash and think accessible healthcare is an achievable goal. We’ve really failed the children of our nation, letting them see this crap.”
Parents across America echoed the fear that their children might start helping others.
“I was trying to raise my son to be a good boy and slit anyone’s throat he had to to get ahead in the world,” said Kim Gilman, one of many worried mothers that have voiced concern. “But after he saw Mr. Beast cure 1,000 people’s blindness, he keeps going on about how positivity can be infectious and he’s wondering what he can do to help the community. The community? How about you get outside and shovel that walk, buddy!”
“If he keeps this up I’m taking away a few hours of his daily screen time,” she continued.
Washington’s growing concern about widespread generosity is a bipartisan one.
“I saw that stuff, and I didn’t like it,” said President Joe Biden. “This kid’s out here putting his ideas directly into action, it’s completely amateur stuff. Shouldn’t he be dangling the notion of one day presenting some kind of plan to possibly help finance the surgery over their heads in a series of videos that lasts years? I don’t understand his play here.”
As of press time, Mr. Beast had been assassinated and the United States had installed a temporary host of his channel.
As of press time, Mr. Beast had reportedly begun installing a series of high speed rail lines throughout the Midwest for his next YouTube video.
If you’re an active player of GTA Online, chances are that you have at some point ran into an error stating the game “failed to host GTA Online session”. This can be extremely annoying when you’re looking to load into an online session, as it prohibits you from creating one you can join up with your friends in.
While this error is pretty common, there are multiple steps you can take to prevent it or fix it. We’ve outlined all the measures you can take below, so let’s dive in!
Failed to Host GTA Online Session Error: What it is & How to Fix it
First, it is important to ensure that you have a stable connection to the internet, especially if you are utilizing a wireless connection. Check the signal strength on your computer and ensure it is strong, which means it is at three bars. If not, you will need to take some steps to check this out.
First, we’d advise you to restart your computer or console to see if this fixes the issue. Sometimes, there is something running in the background that can prevent you from establishing a proper connection to GTA Online. If you have a wired connection, try unplugging and replugging in your ethernet cable.
If this does not work, your next measure would be to unplug your router and restart it. While this process might take some time, generally a lot of issues can be resolved by restarting your network. You can either unplug the router for 15 seconds or press and hold the designated restart button.
If none of the options above fix the failed to host GTA Online session error, you might need to check and see if the servers are down. This information can be found here. You’ll need to check the Grand Theft Auto Online section, where you’ll see an indicator light next to the PC platform. If it is anything but green, you might be unable to connect due to the Rockstar servers.
Finally, if you’ve continuously tried everything and you still cannot connect, your last resort option would be to contact the support team for GTA Online. This is located through the Rockstar Games Support Panel, who will assist you with your errors and email you a response.
If you’ve been playing Persona 3 Portable since its release a couple weeks ago, you may be close to the finish line. One final trial stands before you, in the form of Persona 3 Portable‘s Request 55, featuring a secret boss capable of crushing your mortal bones in one lethal blow. Who, you ask? Your beloved Velvet Room attendant of choice: Theodore or Elizabeth, masterful Persona users both.
Players in search of a challenge, rejoice! This guide will turn you from minced meat to god-slaying messiah in no time.
Before The Fight – How to Prepare for Request 55 (Persona 3 Portable)
First: grab a calculator. You’ll thank me later; the boss has 20,000 HP, and you need to keep track of how much health it has as you go.
Now, before you can take on Request 55, you’ll need access to an area called Monad Depths, a hidden section of Tartarus. To unlock it, you will have to both clear Request 53 and reach Floor 254 of Tartarus itself. Once you’ve fulfilled both requirements, a new path will appear in Tartarus’ lobby — you’ll be knock, knock, knockin’ on Heaven’s Door, a silver and gold gateway on the right side of the staircase.
In addition to housing the secret boss on its 10th Floor, this area is host to a character-slaying cadre of Level 90+ Shadows, making it ideal for grinding. You’ll want to be Level 99 for this fight, giving you 999 in both health and SP. The boss ain’t kidding about being “the ultimate adversary”; given that you’ll be fighting them solo, you’ll need every boost you can get.
Speaking of boosts, the equipment you’re wearing will make a huge difference, too. See the chart below for a suggested loadout!
Weapon
Armor
Shoes
Accessory
Lucifer’s Blade (male protagonist; fuse Lucifer with any Nihil Weapon)
Vel Vel Muruga (female protagonist; fuse Kartikeya with any Nihil Weapon)
Armor of Light
Obtained by fusing Orpheus (Fool) and Thanatos (Death) to create Messiah (Judgment); only possible when your character is Level 90+. Grants strong Magic resistance.
Shoes of Light
Obtained by fusing Orpheus (Fool) and Thanatos (Death) to create Messiah (Judgment); only possible when your character is Level 90+. Grants strong Magic resistance.
Divine Pillar (reduces damage taken by 50%)
Earned by fusing Alilat (Empress), which requires a maxed-out Empress Social Link. One valid Triangle Fusion is Skadi (Empress), Gabriel (Empress), and Mother Harlot (Empress).
Certain items will also be necessary, including one Armageddon Fusion Spell and at least 10 Infinity Fusion Spells. Armageddon is exactly what it sounds like: a massive damage-dealing nuke. Infinity grants you full invulnerability for one turn, which is crucial for dealing with the boss’ attack patterns (more on this later). Both of these can be purchased at Shinshoudo Antiques in Paulownia Mall. Pearls and Malachites are easy enough to come by for Infinity, but if you’re short on Rubies for that Armageddon, you can find them via the following methods…
Enemy drops in the fifth or higher blocks of Tartarus; very rare. If you want to grind ’em out, use a Persona with a high Luck stat (which can be boosted with cards from Shinshoudo Antiques). Enemies that drop Rubies include a black lion Shadow called Mighty Beast (Tartarus Floors 165 to 179), a muscular humanoid with two extra arms for nipples and a red mule called Jotun of Blood (180-190), and a cluster of floating eyeballs called Noble Seeker (245 to 261).
Velvet Room Request #71 rewards you with 3 Rubies.
On 11/8, Tanaka’s Amazing Commodities (accessible on Sundays via the TV in Your Room) will sell one Ruby.
On 12/6, Tanaka’s Amazing Commodities will sell two Rubies.
Once you’re leveled and stocked up, there’s just one more thing you need to win this fight…
Fusing Orpheus Telos – How to Beat the Secret Boss in Persona 3 Portable
Orpheus Telos is one of the strongest Personas in the game, second only to Messiah. It resists every element in the game, making it crucial for the secret boss fight. As such, you’ll need not only to fuse three very strong Personas, but also to max out every Social Link in the game. It’s likely that you won’t manage this in your first playthrough, but New Game+ will help you get it right the second time around.
If you’ve successfully maxed out every Social Link, Igor will give you the Colorless Mask when you return to the Velvet Room, an item that allows you to fuse Orpheus Telos. From there, initiate a Triangle Spread fusion that includes Nidhogger (Aeon), Odin (Emperor), and Scathach (Priestess).
Why these three in particular? Well, for one, you can avoid having to make Thanatos and Messiah, two very time-consuming Personas that you would need for the standard Pentagon Fusion. Odin’s Thunder Reign skill is vital for surviving this fight (as with the fight in Request 53). In this fusion, Odin will pass Thunder Reign down to Orpheus Telos. You may have to back out and re-enter the menu a few times if Thunder Reign does not appear as an inherited skill, but worry not, it will be there after a couple attempts.
Don’t have Odin handy? That’s fine — you can do a few different Triangle Fusions. Try Skadi (Empress), Norn (Fortune), and Arahabaki (Hermit), for one (granting you the skill Niflheim instead of Thunder Reign). For a full list of recipes, check this page while referencing the skill chart below.
Recommended Skills For Orpheus Telos
There are several skill spreads you may want Orpheus Telos to have during this fight. Thunder Reign uses the Electric element, but other valid elemental builds can be used, too. Here are the basic reasons you may want a certain skill and how to get their Skill Cards or inheritances…
Skill
Effect
How To Get
Thunder Reign
Deals severe Electric damage to one foe. 100% guaranteed to inflict Shock if it hits. This may grant you an extra turn to respond to the boss if they are Knocked Down and Shocked.
Inherited from Odin (Emperor) via Triangle Fusion.
Niflheim
Deals severe Ice damage to one foe. 100% guaranteed to inflict Frozen if it hits. This may grant you an extra turn to respond to the boss if they are Knocked Down and Frozen.
Inherited from Skadi (Empress) via Triangle Fusion.
Ragnarok
Deals severe Fire damage to one foe.
Inherited from Surt (Magician) via Triangle Fusion.
Panta Rhei
Deals severe Wind damage to one foe.
Inherited from Norn (Fortune) via Triangle Fusion.
[Element] Amp
Any of the elemental Amp skills, bolstering the effect of one of the above four skills (ex: Thunder Reign pairs with Elec Amp).
Elec Amp Skill Card: Odin (Emperor), Level 66
Ice Amp Skill Card: Titania (Lovers), Level 55
Fire Amp Skill Card: Kumbhanda (Hermit), Level 58
Wind Amp Skill Card: Ganesha (Star), Level 65
[Element] Boost
Stacks with [Element] Amp. Any of the elemental Boost skills, bolstering the damage of one of the above four skills by 25% (ex: Thunder Reign pairs with Elec Boost).
Reduces chance of sustaining critical hits. You’ll need it.
Zouchouten (Chariot), Level 19
Mind Charge
Doubles the power of Magic attacks on the next turn. Pairs with whichever core elemental skill you choose to center your build around (the first 4 skills in this chart).
Atropos (Fortune), Level 59
Salvation
Fully heals the party (just you, in this case).
Vishnu (Sun), Level 87
Diarahan
Fully heals one ally (you).
Daisoujou (Hierophant), Level 59
Bishamonten (Tower), Level 66
High Counter
Counters the boss’ physical attacks; core to the second phase of the fight.
Siegfriend (Strength), Level 67
Unshaken Will
Protects user from mental ailments. This includes Panic, Rage, Fear, and Distress.
Asura (Sun), Level 93
Once you’ve got your desired skill configuration, don’t forget to max out Orpheus Telos’ stats using the Incense Cards available at Shinshoudo Antiques.
Now, onto the fight itself…
Don’t Get Megidolaon’d – How to Beat the Secret Boss in Persona 3 Portable
Megidolaon is an extremely powerful spell that deals massive Almighty damage to all foes. If you let the boss hit you with it, you can kiss your ass goodbye. Thankfully, the boss will only use it during the first phase of the fight if triggered by one of the following things…
An equipped Omnipotent Orb. Do not equip this item if you have it!
Skills that Null, Repel, or Absorb any elemental attack. A Persona’s innate Resistances are fine (Orpheus Telos Resists every element, for example), but avoid using any Persona with skills like Null Ice, Repel Elec, etc. This does not include your Infinity Fusion Spells; more on that, later.
Using the Armageddon Fusion Spell on your first turn. Gotta fight fair and square, first.
If you get the boss under 5,000 HP, they will start using Megidolaon every turn. There is no reason to do this, and with Armageddon in your arsenal, you won’t have to.
Be sure that your preparations won’t run afoul of these rules, or you’ll be turned into carpet lining for the Velvet Room. The second phase, however, is a different story — keep reading.
The Fight: Turns 1-4
The boss always follows a repeating, eight-turn attack pattern, regardless of your Difficulty setting. After turn 8, the boss will start from the top again. To break it down, here are the Personas and moves the boss will use on each of the first four turns…
Surt – Fire (First turn/start of the battle)
Jack Frost – Ice (Second turn)
Thor – Electricity (Third turn)
Cu Chulainn – Wind (Fourth turn)
Here, you’ll be contending with elemental spells, hence the need for a Persona that can resist every element. Even so, be sure to heal as needed; the attacks will still pack a punch, even with your resistances.
The boss will only be vulnerable to one element on each turn; when they use a Fire move with Surt, they’ll be vulnerable to Ice, so on. You’ll have one opportunity to strike with the elemental skill you’ve given Orpheus Telos, so plan accordingly. Be sure to use Mind Charge the turn before you attack to get the most out of its damage-doubling Magic boost.
The Fight: Turns 5-8
The next four turns in the pattern will be trickier. Say your prayers — here comes that Megidolaon!
Metatron – Light (Fifth turn)
Alice – Dark (Sixth turn)
Nebiros – Status Ailments (Seventh turn)
Masakado – Megidolaon (Eight turn)
Your stock of hapless Homunculi will come in handy on turns 1 and 2, protecting you from any possible insta-kills. Unshaken Will can protect you from any mental Status Ailments.
So, how to deal with the Megidolaon? Easy — block it by popping an Infinity Fusion Spell on your turn before it happens. This is why you want to bring at least ten of them, just in case. After turn 4, the battle will repeat starting in Phase 1.
Persona 3 Portable Request 55 – The Final Blow
Now, this is the clincher — every time you get the boss under 10,000 HP, they will use Diarahan to fully heal themselves on their next turn. This would create an infinite loop of pain, if not for your High Counter skill. You need High Counter to activate and deal damage to the boss on their turn to get them under 10,000 HP, while still giving you room to act before they fully heal. That, my friends, is why you need the calculator. If you’ve been keeping track of how much damage the boss is taking, you’ll know exactly when to perform the final step — that final step, of course, being Armageddon.
When the boss is under 10,000 HP on your turn, slam dunk that Armageddon Fusion Spell right in their craw for 10,000 damage.
DETROIT — A $400 gaming monitor was successfully tweaked to resemble a local gamer’s parents’ old, fritzy Zenith, sources have confirmed.
“Oh wow, that looks like shit,” said Howie Spears, observing his latest modifications while playing a ROM of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Game Boy Adventure: A Bogus Journey! on the recently purchased monitor. “That means we’re almost there. I threw some CRT filters on the emulators I was playing, but it looked too artificial, not like the real thing at all. So I played around with some different shaders, and there was one that made it look exactly like a shitty VHS tape with tracking lines all over the screen. That was dope, but this isn’t one of my cinema appreciation nights so I went a different direction. I’ve monkeyed with these settings long enough that the games are really starting to look like shit. I’m so excited.”
Family members of Spears’ reported confusion as to why he was intent on capturing a bygone experience that had been surpassed by modern technology.
“So let me get this straight,” said Hugh Spears, Howie’s father. “15 years ago he said we were fools if we were watching the Tigers games in anything less than high definition, and made us promise to get rid of our old living room TV. Now he’s buying accessories and studying how to recreate the look of that exact same television set? I can’t keep up with him. This is those vinyl records all over again.”
Spears has confirmed that his project is merely intended as a placeholder until he can procure an authentic vintage CRT television set to enjoy retro games on.
“I can’t wait for that guy to stop coming in here and bothering all of us,” said Marie McCarthy, a manager of a local Goodwill store. “He shows up right when we open every day and is always asking if we got any new TV’s or monitors in. And even though every single day I tell him, ‘No dude, just more sacks of giant pants and stinky books,’ he still comes back without fail. He’s a pain in the ass, but I do admire his dedication to getting old video games to look neat.”
As of press time, Spears had purchased a scanline generator on Amazon and was on YouTube researching how to successfully burn the Super Mario World title screen image into his 4K monitor.
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