Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Hogwarts Legacy Criticized for Giving Media Platform to Problematic Figure Voldemort

Posted on February 3, 2023 by Camden Brazile

SALT LAKE CITY — Upcoming Harry Potter open world game Hogwarts Legacy has been receiving backlash for giving a media platform for the problematic figure behind the series, the dark lord Voldemort.

“After all the hate and ignorance that they’ve spewed on Twitter, I think it’s irresponsible of this game to remind everyone about Voldemort,” said game reviewer Michael Cranston. “I’m not really into cancel culture, but anything Harry Potter themed has kind of been permanently tainted by He Who Shall Not Be Named trying to grow to infinite evil power. Of course since the game is releasing, Voldemort has gone back to his Twitter and fired off his hottest political takes.”

“I know he’s already very wealthy from his various magical exploits,” Cranston added, “but I just don’t wanna buy something that I know will give him another dollar. I don’t want to be a part of adding to Voldemort’s wealth.”

With the game in the forefront of the news cycle, Harry Potter fans have begun to reflect on how the series has been tainted.

“It’s sad, really, because I grew up on these books, but after all the interviews and social media posts, Voldemort ruined it for me,” said Harry Potter fan Emily Ryner. “It’s like every time I log into Twitter, Voldemort has said another stupid, mean thing to someone who didn’t deserve it. I don’t think I’ll be playing Hogwarts Legacy because it’s too unethical to give my money to someone who created so many Horcruxes. It was easy to sweep a few of the evil things he did under the rug, but we expected Voldemort to grow and change but instead he just kept doubling down on his evil beliefs.”

At press time, sources reported that there was a rising online backlash to Hogwarts Legacy for openly pushing the agenda of a Dark Arts lifestyle.

Paparazzi Catch R.L. Stine Stepping Out With Hot Young Monster Blob

Posted on February 2, 2023 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Paparazzi photographers caught 79-year-old Goosebumps author R.L. Stine stepping out with a hot monster blob that sources reported is several decades younger than him.

“In my line of work, you cross paths with a lot of young, beautiful ghouls and monsters,” Stine told photographers. “Me and the blob are just having fun, no label, nothing serious. Yes, she’s a fan of my work, but our relationship is none of your business. I might even feature her in a story! You may think she’s just in it for my money and my industry connections, but I can tell she loves me. And before you ask, she’s over 18. Stine don’t swing like that, baby. Stine don’t swing like that.”

“Life’s a choose your own adventure story,” Stine explained. “And sometimes you gotta get out from under the covers and turn your book to the page where you hook up with someone young and freaky. Get over it!”

This is just the latest in a string of public moments for the children’s horror writer.

“This all started back in June when we managed to get a photograph of Stine lounging on his Mediterranean yacht with a mystery woman who had a demonic mask stuck to her face,” said paparazzo Ryan Phillips. “Then he was caught tearing up the Las Vegas strip with a wolf man that had just gotten off the red carpet in Milan. He clearly has a type. He’s been sleeping his way across the entire genre for the last decade, whether he’s bringing sexy young monsters courtside at Laker games or suddenly eloping to Mexico with a haunted high school mascot or two.”

At press time, sources reported that another scandal may be brewing after an anonymous possessed ventriloquist doll claimed it was six months pregnant with Stine’s unborn child.

Opinion: Super Mario 3D World Is Not That Special, as Our World Is Also 3D

Posted on February 2, 2023 by Brad Waters

Instead of lauding Super Mario 3D World for being three-dimensional, wouldn’t it be more logical to direct our acclaim toward our world, which is also 3D?

Hi there folks, it’s me, Neil DeGrasse Tyson. And frankly, I don’t get all the hubbub around this Super Mario 3D World. This game’s very premise seems to be built on the fact that you, controlling Mario, can run around wide open 3D environments. Well, guess where else you can do that?

That’s right. The real world.

As a matter of fact, you could open up your front door right now, go outside, and frolic around to your heart’s desire, in three dimensions. There may be no “Big Bounce Byways” in your local area, but there’s definitely something even better: trees, which provide the oxygen we breathe as homo sapiens. Our world, which is also three-dimensional, deserves so much more of our time than these fake, virtual ones, which simply don’t hold up to logical analysis. For example, science tells us that our real world orbits the sun, which gives us life. In some of these “Mario” games, the sun tries to kill you! How nonsensical.

Now, I’m no gamer, but if the core appeal of Super Mario 3D World is simply that it’s 3D, then I think that’s rather unimpressive. However, I do find it intriguing that Mario can turn into a cat in the game. That’s impressive, and certainly not something we’ve seen in the real, tangible world. Not yet, at least. Technically, it’s always possible with science. Much more possible than the existence of God. (Don’t get me started on this God of War business.)

If you insist on playing one of these silly Mario games, I’d at least implore you to consider giving Super Mario Sunshine a look. That’s a game from the brief period where Mario seemed to both acknowledge and appreciate the importance of the sun to our planet. Or maybe Super Mario Odyssey! I wonder if they took inspiration from a certain astrophysicist’s documentary miniseries for that one? Haha, hey fellas, don’t be shy!

Regardless, I’d suggest you steer clear of this hugely overhyped Super Mario 3D World. And don’t waste your time with the terribly misleading Super Mario 64, either. There were provably fewer than 63 Marios before that.

Fans and Detractors of HBO’s The Last of Us Agree on How Gay It Has Been So Far

Posted on February 2, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — After airing several episodes of its inaugural season, everyone agrees that The Last of Us television series has been very gay thus far.

“Wow, what a poignant episode of television,” said fan Carmen Adler, who’d just finished watching last week’s episode, which has garnered acclaim for the love story portrayed between the Frank and Bill characters. “Everyone really did such a great job. I’m glad it’s on HBO so they can make a mature show. Sadly, a lot of people get squirmy and downright fuming when they have to think about gay people, so I bet there’s been a backlash you could set your watch to, huh? I just read that the show was already picked up for a second season, so I don’t know. Have fun screaming about it, I guess.”

While the show has inspired wildly different reactions, audiences have found a common ground.

“Wow, what a gay episode of television,” said local denigrator Mike Bunker, shortly after composing his most recent post about last week’s episode. “I’m so sick of watching something and then suddenly they put some gay stuff on my screen and I find myself fixated on it for weeks, months even. Enough already! At least there’s still some manly shows on HBO like Peacemaker and Our Flag Means Death, but there’s fewer all the time. Why does it have to be in The Last of Us? It’s not like it’s anywhere in the game. And before you ask, no, I don’t really remember the game.”

The mixed and passionate response was anticipated by the creators of The Last of Us series.

“Sadly, when we set out to merely flesh out some backstory that is alluded to in the game, we knew we’d cause a lot of predictable meltdowns with a certain percentage of viewers,” said showrunner Craig Mazin. “In fact, I’ve just gotten off the phone with Hollywood, and they said we’re actually just a few hundred more bad iMDB reviews away from the show being canceled entirely, so I’m afraid we have no choice but to reconfigure how we make the show going forward.”

“No, I’m just kidding,” he added. “Who cares about IMDb reviews?”

As of press time, Mike Bunker was cruising HBO Max hoping to find something less gay, before ultimately deciding to check out Oz.

Dead Space Remake Easter Eggs Guide: All Easter Egg Locations

Posted on February 2, 2023 by Tarun Sayal

A remake of 2008’s classic, Dead Space Remake is the second edition of the survival horror game remastered for modern gaming systems. Though Dead Space Remake is largely the same as the previous iteration, it is also filled with new hidden Easter eggs and references for fans of the original game to discover.

So in this article, we’ll be exploring some of the most notable Dead Space Remake Easter eggs and what they mean for fans of the series. So grab your plasma cutter and get ready to discover the hidden secrets of this remastered classic.

Spoiler Warning: The following information contains spoilers for Dead Space Remake.

Dead Space Remake – Secret Ritual Easter Egg

In the “Obliteration Imminent” chapter of Dead Space Remake, players will encounter an increased number of collectibles that delve into the game’s backstory and the tragedy that occurred on the USG Ishimura caused by the Church of Unitology. These include logs, Nodes, weapons, and schematics that will give protagonist Isaac a tactical advantage against the Necromorph threat.

However, Chapter 4 of the game features a well-hidden text log that offers cryptic hints about the game’s lore. To uncover this hidden text log, you must head to Break Room while heading to Electrical Systems. In the room, you will find a couple of shoes and hand markers engraved with blood, followed by a large red circle. At this point, you must stand inside the ring and perform certain actions in a particular pattern to solve the puzzle: Use Melee x1, Jump x3, Melee x1, Jump x1, Melee x1, Jump x3, Melee x1, and Jump x1.

After successfully performing the secret ritual, you’ll notice a text log right next to your location, which reads, “Dead, they ascend to the stars. Blessed are the watchers who guard their sleep. May the holy fleet endure beyond the reach of our enemies. May the brethren make them whole. For our fleet and its sacred cargo glory everlasting. For those who disturb their stasis-blessed death will be denied them. Praised be the Markers and Altman, their external prophet.

New Game Plus Text Log

While playing the Dead Space Remake new game plus mode, you may have come across several extra text logs in your inventory. One log is labeled as “Indecipherable,” but it’s actually decipherable and holds an exciting easter egg for fans of the horror game series.

The text logs offer hints and spooky lore bites, with some featuring conversations between characters that hint at events in future games. The conversation progresses to exploring the possibility of employment at the Sprawl on Titan.

If you’re a seasoned Dead Space fan, you must be aware of The Sprawl. Even if you’re not, don’t worry! It’s a space station featured in Dead Space 2, which was built by EarthGov in the aftermath of near-extinction due to resource depletion.

So far, the Dead Space community has concluded that another installment of the classic survival horror game could be under development as a few players have found some log texts that hint towards Dead Space 2’s remake.

Dead Space Remake Easter Eggs: Honoring The Former Game Designer

Well-known video game designer, and director, Glen Schofield is the mastermind behind EA’s original 2008 hit game Dead Space. Schofield, however, left EA Games a long time ago to co-found Sledgehammer Games, meaning the renowned artist was not involved in the production of Dead Space Remake. He also went on to direct 2022’s The Callisto Protocol, a different take on the genre Dead Space helped pioneer.

Yet, Motive Studio and Electronic Arts honored Glen Schofield in Dead Space Remake by engraving Schofield Tools on the Plasma Cutter, a weapon used by Isaac Clarke. Since the text is small and placed on the bottom of the weapon, players need to adjust their camera angle to view the bottom section of the weapon – thanks to Ben-Gun for discovering this easter egg.

Secret Ending

Besides the normal ending, in which Nicole ends her own life before boarding the Ishimura, there’s an alternative ending for Dead Space Remake. The secret ending reveals that Clarke plans to build more Markers, as he tells Nicole he needs to “build a little something first.” This implies that he may have gone to another planet and created more Markers, unleashing Necromorphs and potentially threatening other worlds, including Earth.

Players must undertake the following steps to access the alternate ending in Dead Space Remake:

Complete the game on any difficulty level to activate the New Game Plus mode.
Collect all 12 Marker Fragments hidden throughout the USG Ishimura in the New Game Plus mode.
Place the collected Marker Fragments on the shrine in Lt. Commander V. Holt’s Quarters.
Finish the game to unlock the alternate ending automatically.

In the alternate ending of Dead Space 2, Isaac Clarke experiences hallucinations of Nicole and goes insane while leaving planet Aegis VII. This is caused by the Marker, which seems to have control over Clarke.

These are just a few Easter eggs we discovered throughout our journey to Dead Space. Undoubtedly, the game is filled with more hidden references and nods that are well worth checking out.

Dead Space Remake Secret Ending Guide: How to Unlock it

Posted on February 2, 2023 by Noah Hunter

The remake of the renowned horror classic, Dead Space, has finally released! Players around the world are experiencing the game for the first time, with some also revisiting the USG Ishimura. For those unaware, the remake actually offers a secret ending you can unlock by performing certain tasks. We’ve got you covered with just how you can unlock the secret ending in Dead Space.

How to Unlock the Dead Space Remake Secret Ending

To unlock the secret ending, you will first need to playthrough the entirety of the game normally and beat it. After credits roll, you can then start new game plus. This mode will be unlocked regardless of what difficulty you beat the game on. Throughout your NG+ playthrough, you will come across Marker Fragments. These items are scattered all across the USG Ishimura, and you will have to search for them during each chapter.

There are a grand total of twelve different Marker Fragments scattered throughout the ship that you will need to encounter and collect. After obtaining them, you’ll need to head over to Lt. Commander Holt’s room and place all twelve of the Marker Fragments onto the shrine located there. It’s a bloody mess and you will not miss it. From there, all you need to do is beat the game, and when the credits roll you will see the secret ending.

What Is the Secret Ending?

The secret ending showcases the events that lead to the opening of Dead Space 2. You see Isaac start to hallucinate Nicole, which leads to him stating he is going to create more Markers. The Markers are tied to the Necromorphs, allowing them to enter wherever it is placed. The striking opening of Dead Space 2 has Isaac in a mental hospital tied up, which is now becoming much more clear after viewing the secret ending.

Gaming Exec Wishes Someone Would Have Told Them NFTs Were a Bad Idea

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — A gaming executive was caught on a hot mic recently bemoaning the fact that no one warned him his company’s new NFT-focused game wasn’t going to be received very well.

“It’s just not fair you guys,” said Scott Pittman, CEO of Refractal Games, who just released the poorly performing Smokin’ Tokenz, a PvP shooter with NFT integration heavily woven into its gameplay. “I was told pretty convincingly by a young man wearing shorts that this NFT thing was going to be the future and that we’d make a lot of easy money. He said people would be excited to buy and sell stuff with real money inside of a video game. Did no one let our consumers know that this was the way of the future? It’s a real pain in my ass the way these gamers are saying it makes no fucking sense and no one wants it at all. It’s not really fair to me, you know?”

Refractal Games employees who worked on Smokin’ Tokenz, which currently holds a conglomerate score of 9 on Metacritic, said the company had every indication it wasn’t going to be well received.

“It really wasn’t hard to read the room on NFTs,” said Dylan Singleton, a Refractal employee who spent the last two years working on Smokin’ Tokenz. “Everyone who didn’t have their thumb on their scale was happy to tell anyone that would listen that NFTs sounded awful at best and completely fraudulent at worst. Video games are actually fine and I somehow don’t think the future of finance is in auctioning digital tokens to other weirdos. Hey, did the boss get laid off? ‘Cause I just got laid off. I think I’ll try to hit him on the way out.”

Despite the promises of financial advocates, gamers have been skeptical about the value of NFT’s since their inception.

“Remember when those money dorks were talking about how we could take an item from one game and use it in any other game?” asked Lynn Shields, a financial reporter for Forbes. “And the funny thing is I think they thought it was real. They really thought you might find Diddy Kong inside of a barrel in Grand Theft Auto one day. They called it the future of video games. I mean, they will be a historic part of video games maybe, in the sense that NFT’s are going down in history with the Virtual Boy and that landfill of ET cartridges. Just an absolute hall of fame embarrassment that anyone could have told you was going to be a bust. So yes, they’re making history in that sense. Way to go, bros.”

As of press time, Refractal Games executives announced that the company would be pivoting away from video game development and shifting its focus to scamming retirees.

Hayao Miyazaki: “Cutesy Movies Won’t Save the Environment. I’m Going to Blow Up a Factory”

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Camden Brazile

TOKYO — Legendary Studio Ghibli director and animator Hayao Miyazaki reportedly went off the rails during an interview about future projects, claiming he was going to take matters of conservation into his own hands.

“Cutesy movies won’t save the environment. I’m going to blow up a factory,” the Spirited Away director said Thursday. “Man is killing the Earth, and I can make a thousand adorable Totoro movies, but it will not stop a logger from massacring a jungle. You idiots aren’t getting the message. So now instead of painstakingly animating a beautiful metaphor for environmentalism, my next big project will be detonating an improvised pipe bomb on the load-bearing walls of a sheet metal plant deep in the Amazon. I have detailed sketches and storyboards of what I intend the explosion to look like, including a gorgeous full-color animation of the factory foreman charring to an obsidian corpse.”

Miyazaki fans seemed unsure about the Japanese animator’s latest project.

“I’ve seen all of his movies, he captures nature so beautifully, but I’m not sure how he would handle an act of terrorism,” Ghibli fan Marcus Renfield said. “I’m sure it would look spectacular, even if I didn’t really care about the characters or the story it would probably be a feast for the eyes at least. Honestly, even though it’s an extremist act that will likely have a high amount of human casualties, I can’t wait to see it and it will probably somehow remind me of my childhood.”

At press time, sources close to Miyazaki reported that the filmmaker was also planning to detonate a local movie theater after learning that it would be showing one of his son’s films.

Kind Hearted Gamer Lets Mario Walk a Level to Catch His Breath

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Jake Menez

TORONTO — Selfless local gamer Simon Breeler reportedly committed an act of generosity while replaying Super Mario 3D world, letting the hero plumber Mario walk through a level to catch his breath.

“He’s usually at a full-clip sprint all the time, blitzing around through eight worlds and only being able to rest in the brief moments when he’s dead,” Breeler said. “He’s earned a bit of a rest. I let him slowly amble through world 3-2 in an effort to make him feel a bit better for the remaining time challenges and boss fights. It may not seem like much, but he seemed to really appreciate it. After he calmly grabbed the flagpole at the end of the level he turned to the screen and said ‘Thank you, sir.’ It felt good.”

Super Mario 64 speedrunner Eric Blazer said he will start to enact this benevolent practice in his own gaming habits.

“Now I realize how much Mario has to exert himself on a daily basis for my entertainment, and I see the error of my ways,” said. “It’s past even just running, I make Mario execute thousands of frame-perfect jumps up staircases, off cliffs, and even through walls for hours at a time. I had no idea the toll I was taking on this small Italian man. I probably took years off his life. Now after every speedrun I make sure to complete the game at a modest, leisurely pace to help me appreciate the small details about Mario and his games. I usually cry during them. It’s a beautiful little part of my gaming routine now.”

Mario’s creator, Shigeru Miyamoto, expressed his disgust at people making the video game character move at such an ambitious pace.

“I do not know why they make my son go so fast, he was never intended to go beyond a brisk walk,” Miyamoto said. “I begged, pleaded with the developers to make it impossible for my sweet boy to move more than three miles per hour, but I was rebuffed. Now I am sickened when these bastards make him run, jump, spin, and roll. I hope each and every one has to spend eternity in hell running and jumping nonstop for their sins.”

At press time, no one mentioned in this article responded to comment after Mario reportedly also asked for a little bit of money for all the labor he’s putting into being the protagonist of these games.

Grim New Make-A-Wish Program Sends The Rock to Terminal Children to ‘Finish the Job’

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Camden Brazile

PHOENIX — The Make-A-Wish foundation has launched a new program partnering with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to greet terminal children to, as their slogan puts it, “finish the job.”

“The best part of my job is going into the hospital and seeing those kids’ surprised faces, then watching that surprise melt to fear as they realize they are meeting their reaper,” Johnson said. “I love brightening their day, and those kids are so brave after all they’ve been through, that I’m more than happy to take time out of my day to give them a hug, an autograph, and a pillow forcibly applied to their mouth and nose. Being a movie star and wrestler can be tough, but it makes it all worth it when those poor kids tell me that I’m their hero, and then plead for mercy.”

Johnson’s agent, Julia Gilbert, explained the genesis of the Finish the Job program.

“The idea came about actually by accident, when Mr. Johnson was visiting a nine year old with leukemia in the hospital normally and something went horribly wrong,” Gilbert said. “While we thought this was a terrible accident, we suddenly thought maybe we could spin it, and even turn it into an entirely new form of charity. The rest, as you know, is history.”

While the charity initiative is coming under criticism, Make-A-Wish founder Michael McDormand defended it in a press conference last Friday.

“While this program may seem unfair to the children, don’t worry: many kids will get to pick any celebrity they want to come and euthanize them,” McDormand said. “This exciting new chapter for Make-A-Wish will give these unfortunate kids an amazing memory they’ll cherish for the rest of their life, which admittedly will not be very long. In extreme cases, we’re also testing out some children choosing their death to be from a celebrity firing squad, where one random A-List star has a blank in their gun so they don’t have to bear the weight of killing a child.”

At press time, Johnson’s publicist also hinted that the actor was in talks to partner with local nursing homes to provide a humane form of euthanization via Double Rock Bottom.